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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think we shouldn't pay for my SIL and her 2 friends to go away for the weekend with us?

56 replies

Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 08:10

My SIL and her friends are coming to stay with us in a few months as they will be passing by whilst they are on there world tour backpacking trip.

So I said to DP last night, shall I email them and see if they want to / can afford to take a trip out to one of the islands here so we could do some scuba diving etc. So DP says "no, we would be paying for it"

I just don't understand why we would pay for his sister and her two friends (who we don't even know) to go away for the weekend. His sister fine we could pay for her but her friends too??

AIBU to think we souldn't pay for them and its perfectly acceptable to ask them if they can afford it and if they can't then none of us will go?

OP posts:

belgo · 02/09/2008 08:13

I would send an email suggesting the island trip and telling them the prices, and asking what they think. Send a link to the scuba diving. It sounds fab.

Where do you live btw?

belgo · 02/09/2008 08:14

but of course it's acceptable to ask them to pay and if they can't, then none of you will go;

Original poster

Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 08:15

Thats exactly what I wanted to do, but DP refused to email as he would be embarrassed about asking if they could afford it

We live in the Philippines

OP posts:

Gobbledigook · 02/09/2008 08:16

I agree with you Bonifacio.

belgo · 02/09/2008 08:18

Wow the Phillipines! There must be some great scuba diving. You are right, you have to give them the choice. They may have the budget for something like scuba diving - I did scuba diving in Thailand and Australia when I was back packing.

Don't know why your dh would be embarrassed about asking them to pay.

ipanemagirl · 02/09/2008 08:19

I agree with belgo, this kind of thing has to be right upfront before any other plans are made. Make the suggestion and outline the costs and see if they're still interested. You can't pay for non family and if you outline costs then they can make a clear decision.

Heifer · 02/09/2008 08:19

Tis a nice gesture from your DH. For me it would depend if you could afford to pay for them or not, will it mean that you will have to go without anything.

Original poster

Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 08:22

We could easily afford to pay for them but I don't think thats actually anything to do with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 08:23

DP has said we won't go at all then rather than have me ask if they can afford it. Tis very confusing!

OP posts:

belgo · 02/09/2008 08:26

There's no reason for you to pay, that is unnecessarily generous.

I've stayed with friends while travelling and would never ever expect them to pay for anything other then the food we eat in their house.

Original poster

Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 08:29

Thats what I thought Belogo, I have emailed them already asking them if they have any particular food faves they would like me to have in for them as I realise they have been travelling and will be missing the home comforts. I just don't think its reasonable to be expected to pay for them.

OP posts:

Freckle · 02/09/2008 08:34

There's no obligation for you to pay but it would be a lovely gesture and really make their backpacking experience for them. Also buys you a lot of brownie points with SIL.

Perhaps a compromise with dp would be to email with the suggestion and a list of prices. Then, if they reply that it is outside of their budget, offer to pay some or all of the cost. SIL could then agree to split the balance with her friends so she is not necessarily the only one being paid for and you are not necessarily paying for all of them, IYWSIM.

Cies · 02/09/2008 08:35

I can see your DP's point. And if you can afford it and want to be generous, you would be very kind. But it's certainly not inappropriate or mean to do as Belgo suggests.

I was in a similar but different situation once. I and two cousins from England had gone to Canada to visit our uncle and cousins who live there. The Canadian cousins had rented a cabin on the lake near where they live, and invited us visitors to go and stay with them for a few days. We did, had a great time, and then on the last day were very shocked to be asked to stump up for our share of the rental cost. We didn't even have that much money with us. Our uncle heard about this, and got very angry with his kids for even suggesting it, as we had gone all the way to Canada to visit them. He ended up contribuiting a part of the cabin's costs.

Obviously, in this case because it wasn't done up front it was very embarrasing and unexpected. If you want them to pay their way, you must set it out clearly from the go.

Heifer · 02/09/2008 08:36

So it it more that he doesn't want to ask them if they can afford it rather than he would like to pay for them.

IMO there is nothing wrong with offering to pay for them if he wants to, but tis silly if he just is embarrassed..

greenandpleasant · 02/09/2008 08:38

oh for heaven's sake, why is your dp being so precious about this? he won't pay for them, fair enough, no-one's asked you to, but he won't ask if they want to go at all? so no-one gets to go because of his odd attitude.

they are travelling around the world, taking in new experiences in new places. should think they would be delighted if you suggested this trip, as belgo says, just email saying "while you're here, do you fancy a scuba trip. it costs x per person so let me know if you're ok with that, no problem if not as there are lots of other things we can do."

if you feel that you can't do this without your dp's sayso well... I don't want to be rude, but really can you not just email them and ask? and if you just can't then get dp to think of other things they can do and arrange them.

ghosty · 02/09/2008 08:40

I agree with belgo ... email them, suggest it, send links and highlight prices with tactful sentences like, "letting you know in advance so that you can add it to your budget .... if you think it is too much then don't worry we'll have a nice time at home instead ..."
Great idea ... I don't know why they would expect to be paid for.

Original poster

Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 08:42

His sister will assume that we would pay for her anyway. We don't even know if the other 2 would want to be paid for I know I would feel particularly uncomfortable with it especially as we have never met them. But DP won't even 'let' me email and ask them or tell them how much it costs!

FWIW it would cost us around $600 extra to pay for the 3 of them, inc flights and hotel.

OP posts:

greenandpleasant · 02/09/2008 08:43

your dp will not "let" you email? I think you need to grow some tbh. with the sil too, why should she "expect" to be paid for? generous if you do and she should thank you not take it as her due.

Freckle · 02/09/2008 08:46

Personally I would pay for it. When I lived abroad, my younger sister would come and visit and often bring a friend with her. They were on a limited budget and, although I wasn't particularly well off, I certainly could afford more than they could. So I would take them out and pay for all of us. They were very grateful and bought me little gifts to say thank you.

I wanted their visits to be special and very different from when they were at home and, if they couldn't afford to pay for these experiences and I could, I certainly didn't begrudge paying. There was no obligation on me and certainly no expectation on their part and we all had a great time.

Original poster

Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 08:50

Greanandpleasant, he has requested that I don't and as it is his sister I will leave it up to him.

Freckle, I have no issue in paying for them when we eat out or something like that but a weekend away I think is a bit much and am trying to get my DP to see that!!

OP posts:

Heifer · 02/09/2008 08:51

I agree with Freckle, I see nothing wrong with paying for it IF that is what DH wants.

Tis a nice gesture.

Freckle · 02/09/2008 08:52

But why is that a bit much, if you can afford it and he wants to do it?? I don't understand why you feel so strongly about it. Would you feel the same way if it was your family?

If you were struggling financially, I would understand completely, but if the cost is not an issue, what is?

Original poster

Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 08:55

I have no issue paying for the family member it is the 2 people we don't even know and have never met before that I don't see why we should pay.

OP posts:

Freckle · 02/09/2008 08:57

The friends may not be able to afford to go and, if they can't, I suspect that SIL won't go either. I truly would not have a problem doing this. I could understand if you couldn't afford it, but you have already said that finance isn't an issue. Why do you object to paying for the friends in order to give SIL (and you and dh) an experience of a lifetime?

Chances are that the friends may say they don't want you to pay, but you could give them the option of going if they can't afford to pay for themselves.

Carmenere · 02/09/2008 09:01

Although I don't think that you should have to pay for the friends I agree with Freckle too. If you can afford it and it would be a fab experience for all of them and your dh wants to treat them, well, why not? It will be really great fun for all of you.
You are under no obligation to do it but it would be a really nice thing to do.

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