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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we shouldn't pay for my SIL and her 2 friends to go away for the weekend with us?

56 replies

Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 08:10

My SIL and her friends are coming to stay with us in a few months as they will be passing by whilst they are on there world tour backpacking trip.

So I said to DP last night, shall I email them and see if they want to / can afford to take a trip out to one of the islands here so we could do some scuba diving etc. So DP says "no, we would be paying for it"

I just don't understand why we would pay for his sister and her two friends (who we don't even know) to go away for the weekend. His sister fine we could pay for her but her friends too??

AIBU to think we souldn't pay for them and its perfectly acceptable to ask them if they can afford it and if they can't then none of us will go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 09:02

I just don't see why DP is so against asking them if they can afford it first, if they can't then I would have happy to offer some contribution. But to pay for them all outright without even asking if they can afford it themselves seems a little bit odd to me. But maybe I am being unreasonable. I will look into prices etc, I have just calculated it at $2000 for all of us so I think we will need to down grade that!

Thanks for the input!

OP posts:
Carmenere · 02/09/2008 09:06

No you are certainly not being unreasonable. I'm sure that there will be some way of organising it so you all have a great time.

ipanemagirl · 02/09/2008 09:40

upfront clarity is the secret in all these things.

Could you email SIL - we're happy to contribute towards your costs but we need to know your friends' budgets. then give her cost alternatives 'so they can decide if its within their budget or not".

This just avoids all the awkwardness by getting it out upfront.

Original poster
Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 09:48

Thats exactly whay I want to do, but for soem reason DP does not want me to ask if they can afford it.... I have no idea why

OP posts:
oranges · 02/09/2008 10:05

I think if all three are travelling together, it is nice to treat them all the same - my best friend came with me once on a holiday to visit my relatives - they would never have dreamed of making her feel left out by asking her to pay.

Freckle · 02/09/2008 10:07

Money is always a sensitive subject. Perhaps he's worried that, if you ask if they can afford it, it's implying that you can't afford to pay for all of them. Or the friends won't want to admit they can't afford it - although backpackers rarely have much in the way of excess funds, so that shouldn't be a surprise.

Personally, I think the best way would be to call SIL and speak to her (can you do that?). Tell her what you are proposing and ask her to assess whether her friends would be able to afford it. Tell her that, if it is truly outside their budget, then you and dp are happy to fund it as a contribution to their backpacking experience. Then the ball is in SIL's court.

ComeOVeneer · 02/09/2008 10:11

There are ways of phrasing it so you don't actually have to ask them directly wether they can afford it. As others have said simply suggesting the trip, showing them the prices and asking if they would like you to go ahead and book it would do. Then if cost is an issue they will bring it up and you can decide where to go from there.

Original poster
Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 10:14

I do think that is the issue Freckle, that he doesn't want to look like he can't afford it or probably worse that he is being tight!!

I am going to look into it all, I know flights are only approximately 20 GBP return its the hotels that seem to be expensive!

I think from the responses that it would be seen as a very nice thing for us to do. So will probably do it! My plan initially was to show DP all the answers on here saying "gosh no how could he even think it was normal to pay for sisters friends" but hey ho! Thats the way AIBU goes! I shall now deny all knowledge of making this thread and make him think that I have thought about it sensible so that I look like a nice person!!

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Freckle · 02/09/2008 10:19

LOL! Brownie points scored in all directions there then.

ipanemagirl · 02/09/2008 10:40

How about giving her a range of costs and say obviously it's a question of 'how much they want to spend?' rather than "how much can they afford?"

It's a reasonable question, it's cheeky if they're just assuming you're going to fund them! I wouldn't bother telling dh, I'd just do it.... (personally!)

Freckle · 02/09/2008 10:58

I don't think there's any question of them assuming the OP is going to pay. They don't even know about the trip yet as the Op and her dp are only just discussing whether to suggest it as an option.

Original poster
Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 11:15

As far as I am aware SIL is assuming that DP will take her and her friends somewhere. Although I am not 100% sure that means she assumes that we will pay for them or not!

Problem solved though, we will pay for them. It would be a nice gesture, from us though obviously to SIL it will just be from her Darling most wonderful sun shines out of his arse brother!!

I have spoken to the travel agents and its practically booked now

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BlingLovin · 02/09/2008 11:29

Actually, I think you were definitely Not being U in the beginning. I think it's one thing to take SIL and her friends out on outings, for dinner etc etc, and to pay for that. But to actually take them somewhere that involves flights, hotels etc is way too OTT. And if I was the friend, that would make me seriously uncomfortable, no matter who I was.

I know it's practically done now, but I think it would be good to check with the SIL and the friends BEFORE you commit them to a few days away diving, whether you're paying or not.

Also, on the embarrassed thing for DH, weirdly mine is a bit the same. His mother stayed with us for three weeks. I had no issue therefore with her spending some money at the supermarket or whatever to stock the fridge or if she wanted to buy us dinner occassionally but he seemed to feel that as she was our guest, we should pay for everything at all times. Not a chance.

pamelat · 02/09/2008 11:42

Are they really young?

Could you say to SIL that whilst you would be willing to pay for her, you cant be expected to pay for her friends. Can they not do something else for the day, if they can't afford it?

I wouldn't think that was rude?

Original poster
Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 11:51

No they're not young, older than me! but younger than DP (we have a 10 year age gap)

I tried to explain to DP that the other 2 would feel uncomfortable with being payed for, I think he expects them to be just like his siter who is happy to have him pay for everything. I think I am just getting worked up about it because I know that every meal for his sister will be paid for and she won't even offer anything in return. I know its not about getting something in return but to me if someone buys you dinner thenn its only polite to at least offer to buy dinner back! Even though DP would always say no. She has already sent him an email telling his she has ran out of money and he needs to get his wallet out when she arrives. It was said in a jokey manner but she always does the taking and was actually serious. I suppose it runs a bit deeper than just the weekend away.

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BlingLovin · 02/09/2008 12:00

oh god. You have the same SIL as me. The one who is older than I am but that makes me feel like some middle aged matron in comparison to her lack of responsibility, social skills and general ability to act like an adult?

Freckle · 02/09/2008 12:10

Maybe I come from a different generation, but I was raised to treat guests as just that, guests, who do not pay for anything whilst they are here. Yes, turning up with a bottle of wine and/or some flowers, but I would then expect to provide them with all meals, etc. Special treats such as this trip are a little different, but, if it was my suggestion that we do it and I knew it was beyond the normal cost of holiday stuff, I would also be prepared to foot the bill.

And older siblings who are settled and are comfortably off financially are there to spoil younger siblings. At least that's how I've always treated my younger sister.

Original poster
Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 12:11

Similar I think Bling! She makes me feels like I am so young, but her issue is that she is jealous that I have "taken away" her brother I just don't get how she thinks its normal to have him pay for everything.

I have emailed her now though, I slipped it into converstaion that maybe it would be a good idea if we went to the beach, it isn't too expensive, what do her and her friends think. So not outright asking her but slipping in the money part.

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Original poster
Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 12:15

She's 28!! And my elder sister treats me yes but then I treat her back!

She is also financially stable otherwise she wouldn't be able to afford to take a year off work to travel around the world.

Can I also point out that they weren't actually invited to stay!! They are going to be here fo 11 days, do you think that for 10 days we should pay for their every meal Freckle? Is that what you would do??

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BlingLovin · 02/09/2008 12:16

Oh yeah, the classic in the middle of an argument between brother and sister... "You've changed recently!" with the "since you met Bling" hanging almost visibly in the air between us.

My SIL is quite nice. And I could really like her if she would JUST GROW UP! In the meantime, she annoys me intensely. [came round for supper the other night and was on her phone from arrival until I served the food 40 minutes later. It is like being with a teenager].

Original poster
Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 12:16

11 that should say!

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Original poster
Bonifacio · 02/09/2008 12:18

I also really really like my SIL she is great fun! I just don't agree with some of the things she does!

How rude to be on the phone all that time while your going to so much trouble!!

OP posts:
BlingLovin · 02/09/2008 12:18

Freckle, I am afraid that there's a big difference between inviting guests to come and do something with you, and family or friends who turn up and move in because you live in a convenient place. I used to visit friends in France, and of course part of it was that I got a great cheap holiday in France. In that situation, of course I contributed financially by buying the odd meal or whatever.

And I am not English so often have people from home staying with us and while I expect nothing, I'd be pretty cheesed off if they ate me out of house and home, expected me to entertain them permanently and didn't contribute in some way - even if it's just by doing the washing up. I was taught that the guest/host relationship works both ways.

BlingLovin · 02/09/2008 12:19

I didn't take the phone thing personally. LIke I said, I just pretend she's still a teenagers - I wouldn't expect a teenager to behave any differently!

BlingLovin · 02/09/2008 12:19

"a teenager" singular. Clearly.