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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my PIL are trying to kill me?

91 replies

JuneBugJen · 01/09/2008 08:43

Can you tell me if IABU about my PIL dogs/cats.

I am totally allergic to animals. By that I mean I have ended up in hospital TWICE because of staying at their house. At one point they had 2 dogs and 1 cat (they got the cat even after my 1st massive asthma attack!) They say they will keep the pets out the back, but strangely they still seem to get all over the house.

This is not too much of a prob at the moment as we live in the same town. But in a year we will be relocating (I dont know where) which means I will need to stay at theirs overnight if they want to see the DCs.
One of their dogs died recently and the other has cancer, soon there will be just the cat (which I will be able to cope with, with just some piriton and ventolin etc)

My MIL was going on about getting ANOTHER dog yesterday. and

I said 'well then we wont be able to come and stay with you' in a jokey voice. But she kept going on about it all day to other people.

For such LOVELY people how can they be such ignorant tossers?
What should I do? They obviously are not going to listen to hints.

PS I love animals, their fur just doesnt love me.

OP posts:
Original poster
JuneBugJen · 01/09/2008 09:38

dont know where we will be soupdragon. as said, could be send hundreds of miles away or even abroad, which could make seeing difficult.

Dont expect them to live to my way, but perhaps moderation in the number of pets? Honestly, if you saw me you would understand. I am usually covered in some kind of eczema rash which looks as though i have been attacked by a cheese grater. This is despite years of consultant appointments and alternative medicine. I am ok in a vaguely non alleric environment, but can become ill very quickly.

OP posts:
kazbeth · 01/09/2008 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FfreckleFface · 01/09/2008 09:43

I think that if you have continued to go round there, despite previous asthma attacks, you have given them the impression that it is something you are prepared to tolerate, which probably explains why MIL doesn't take the issue seriously. If you tell them that neither you nor your little boy will be able to visit unless the pets are kept securely outside (and follow this through, maybe leaving early if an animal comes back in), I think you'll find that the sitation changes.

None of my family are allergic, but I have friends who are petrified of dogs, so I always ensure my dogs are kept outside when they visit.

MrsTittleMouse · 01/09/2008 09:43

But moderation in the number of pets will make no difference! Honestly, if you're that allergic then you'll have an attack anyway. I can see that it feels like rubbing salt in for them to get another pet, but it doesn't make any practical difference.

I do understand, I can remember feeling an asthma attack coming on when I was a child or young teenager, and desperately trying to get my parents to leave right now, but they didn't want to, because it would be rude. It is terrifying, and people with pets often don't understand, and think that it's just a bit of the sniffles. But it's still not your PILs fault that you have allergies, and it really would be better to find a way to work through this that just doesn't involve you staying over at their house.

QuintessentialShadow · 01/09/2008 09:45

Unless they made sure to mention it so many times to give you a hint that you have to make other arrangements when you move because they will still have the dogs and dont feel they want to have the responsibility of YOU in their home with your asthma. Which I think is perfectly reasonable. I think you need to have a little chat with them so you both know what the situation is, and will be.

Original poster
JuneBugJen · 01/09/2008 09:47

Strangely, tittlemouse, the number does seem to have an effect.
My mum has a cat and can stay there with just a bit of eczema by end of weekend. But 3 pets seems to generate alot of fur.

Have said to PIL in past if I have to take ventolin more than 10 times a visit, then we are all going. Had to do this once recently.

OP posts:
TheHedgeWitch · 01/09/2008 09:47

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SoupDragon · 01/09/2008 09:50

If you are relocated 100s of miles away or abroad, you won't be visiting that often. Do you expect them to live to suit you just for your (say) 4 visits a year?

Original poster
JuneBugJen · 01/09/2008 09:51

Hallelujah! was wondering if someone would see that I have nearly died of this twice!!
Thank you hedge.

Agree that it is not my business in alot of ways how many pets they have in their house. But feel hurt that it doesnt seem to matter to them that I cant come and stay in future as we always have a lovely time (in between wheezing!)

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 01/09/2008 09:55

OK, so our experiences are different - my worst attack was in a house that only had one animal (a dog). I was so scared that I was going to die.
I think that saying that none of the rest of us understand is a bit much though. I can't think of any posts on this thread telling you that you should just suck it up and visit. Just that pets are part of your PILs life and that while you can't dictate to them how they live their life, they can't dictate to you how you live yours - which means finding another arrangement like them visiting you.

TheHedgeWitch · 01/09/2008 09:57

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Message withdrawn

ghosty · 01/09/2008 09:57

I agree with FlightAttendant. Excellent post.
It is unreasonable to expect your in laws not to replace their dog (dog lovers are funny that way ) but it is unreasonable for them to not understand your predicament.
They clearly don't see it as a big problem as you have put up with it for so long.
As FA says, you need to find a solution to this rather than blame them for being heartless and unreasonable ...

Original poster
JuneBugJen · 01/09/2008 09:57

oh no, didnt mean it that way tittlemouse! Forgot that you had asthma attack and so did, was it quint?

OP posts:
ghosty · 01/09/2008 09:59

If you lived with them then YES, they are being unreasonable but if you are only going to visit sometimes then they should be allowed to get their pet if they want to.

Original poster
JuneBugJen · 01/09/2008 10:00

oh god, so sorry about your friend hedgewitch and your cousin

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 01/09/2008 10:01

June, no, I dont have asthma, but my son does, he has been hospitalized once in his young life. I just have allergies that lead to chronic rhinitus, but it looks like I may be going down that road as been having chest problems lately and been prescribed both inhalers, and also some water soluble tablets to use when it gets too tight in either chese or sinuses. I am sorry if I come across as not understanding, I do. But I dont think you can ask your inlaws not to have pets.

NomDePlume · 01/09/2008 10:03

FFS, stay somewhere else then. You can't expect your IL to get rid off all of their pets on the off chance that you might stay with them once in a while.

SoupDragon · 01/09/2008 10:04

I do understand completely but the simple solution is that you don't go there, they come to you.

Original poster
JuneBugJen · 01/09/2008 10:04

You dont come across that way quint. Its always good to get helpful (perhaps not your post nomdeplume! ) feedback to what you initially see from only your side.

OP posts:
froggyfroofroo · 01/09/2008 10:07

totally agree with everything quintessentialshadow has said.

YABVU to expect someone to live their life around you. even if all their pets kicked the bucket their hair and fluff would still be around.

their home, their decision to have pets.

tortoiseshell · 01/09/2008 10:09

I do understand up to a point - my mum nearly died of an allergic reaction to a bee sting - she was literally unconcious within 60 seconds, and within 10 mins her heart had stopped, not breathing. Fortunately my dad had managed to get her to a hospital. It was one of his bees that had stung her! So he did get rid of his bees. But, obviously, they live together, so it was really important that they did that.

The thing with dogs is that they aren't just a 'pet' - they are a 'lifestyle' I think. Lots of your life can be based round the dog - like I said above - walks can be for exercise, they can be when you meet your friends. I obviously don't know your PIL, but it's possible that the thought of being without a dog is very distressing, because their life is shaped round the dog, so if they were without a dog their life might be significantly different. And especially if you may be overseas, they will also have lost the close contact with your family.

Staying in a travelodge might be a bit of a PITA, but it's ok, and is a good compromise. The option you have suggested is them not having a dog, which would be very sad for them on an everyday basis, rather than an inconvenience in sleeping arrangements every few months, for you.

That sounds unsympathetic - I'm not, honestly, just trying to point out the other viewpoint! Good luck in resolving it.

Original poster
JuneBugJen · 01/09/2008 10:09

ok, thank you for all opinions. Have learnt alot (as said very early on!!) and will give PIL choice openly and stop dropping hints. Then it is their decision.

As one of you said, it will be their decision whether to see us as a family more often when we do move , or to have more animals.

OP posts:
Original poster
JuneBugJen · 01/09/2008 10:10

off now to take the dcs shopping - wish me luck!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 10:11

have you asked them if they would consider getting a low allergy dog like a poodle or poodle mix? They're lovely dogs (and don;t have to be clipped into bizarre shaopes!)

QuintessentialShadow · 01/09/2008 10:11

Will it bee too much for them to put their dogs in a kennel and give their home a deep clean when you visit?

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