To think that my PIL are trying to kill me?

[JuneBugJen]

Can you tell me if IABU about my PIL dogs/cats.

I am totally allergic to animals. By that I mean I have ended up in hospital TWICE because of staying at their house. At one point they had 2 dogs and 1 cat (they got the cat even after my 1st massive asthma attack!) They say they will keep the pets out the back, but strangely they still seem to get all over the house.

This is not too much of a prob at the moment as we live in the same town. But in a year we will be relocating (I dont know where) which means I will need to stay at theirs overnight if they want to see the DCs.
One of their dogs died recently and the other has cancer, soon there will be just the cat (which I will be able to cope with, with just some piriton and ventolin etc)

My MIL was going on about getting ANOTHER dog yesterday. and

I said 'well then we wont be able to come and stay with you' in a jokey voice. But she kept going on about it all day to other people.

For such LOVELY people how can they be such ignorant tossers?
What should I do? They obviously are not going to listen to hints.

PS I love animals, their fur just doesnt love me.

But seriosly, you cant ask them to alter they way they want to live their lives because YOU are allergic? I find that VERY unreasonable. The onus is on YOU to work around it.

"Thought that might be an adequate 'dont get any more pets' hint!" - Are you a bit self absorbed?

This isnt the situation at the mo Quint, its next year when we move. Agree weekends off would be nice in many ways, just feel sad I wont see them as much, and by the same thing I wont see my SIL (who is one of best friends now) or all the family friends.

I really love them all and feel a bit hurt that this seems to be their blind spot.

'I said 'well then we wont be able to come and stay with you' in a jokey voice. But she kept going on about it all day to other people.'

You have obviously never lost a much beloved pet - maybe thiking of gettig another pet is her way of coping wth what is likely to be a very sad tme. Your 'jokey' voice might have madeit seem to her (and, to be honest, the rest of your post gives the same impression)that you ar just waiting for her dog to die. Have you had a serious discussion with them about it, rather than just making joking asides?

YABU

No, not self absorbed, just terrified of not breathing!

Well I am sorry, but you cant ask them to not have pets. You can make efforts to ask them to yours, to meet at other locations, but you cant ask them to get rid of their pets/not get new pets because you are allergic.

Have lost many totally loved cats we had as achild (including one who was age 18), as said, Im a pet lover.

I understand that.

I have a son which we have to be very careful with as he had an asthma diagnosis at 1 year old. No flowers, no dust, no pets, and make sure he doesnt get a cold. It is hard. But I cant ask other people to alter their lives much so he can fit in with it.

Is your asthma well controlled? Have you spoken to your asthma nurse or your gp what you can do to survive visits to their house without getting an attack? Steroids? Upping your inhalers? Or is the best advice not to be in contact with these triggers?

Also, dont forget, DS is a really rashy allergic child, so if they do get another dog, it could mean he cant go and stay which makes me feel sad as well.

So you shoud realise how callous you appear in your OP then.

Message withdrawn

I understand that too. I lost my cat due to own allergies at 16, and I am so sad and pathetic I still think about her. I do want pets in my life.

But if you are an animal lover, and you have experienced the loss of not just one pet, but many, you should also have some understanding for your inlaws, who are going through the same.

Honestly, quint, done everything. I am really well controlled otherwise.
Can see in alot of ways I cant ask them to organise their lives around me though.

Message withdrawn

ParCark, compared to your post below, my posts have halos.

Thank you parcark, was a bit worried about seeming callous!
That is why I havent said too much about it, because I do see how sad it is about the dogs dying. I chose the one who has cancer for them as I really loved its mother who lived on a nearby farm So I really do have sympathy, which is why I gently joked. It may not come accross that way when written down though, but it was a gentle joke.

Message withdrawn

It was my GP who decided the PILs were trying to kill me (again in a jokey way) when I had to see him about my asthma. He couldn't believe that they were expecting me to survive in such a challenging environment!

Ta Parcark for support. I knew I would get a bit of negative feedback when I put it as an AIBU! Its always interesting to see where it comes from though. Never knew I was callous!

Only feel a bit when I put that IABU but still get a bit of an insult!

Yes, ParCark, callous. That's how it seems to me. The dog's cancer is made to sound as something convenient because it means soon they will just have a cat.

JBJ - I appreciate that it is a difficult situaton for you, but I think you need to sit them down and discuss things thoroughly. You might expect them to see your POV straight away, but people have huge blind spots where pets are concerned.

Pets are companions and company and your PIL are facing losing their pets and having their son and gc move away. So it must be quite an upsetting time for them.

The pets will be with them 365 days while you will potentially be there odd weekends.

Also I think its true that many of the older generation think that allergies etc are "all in the mind" and dont really appreciate how ill sufferers can be. However if they have witnessed you being ill/ hospitalised then that may not be the case.

Also being blunt do you think they may change their views if it was your dc not you?

Could you suggest boarding kennels for the pets as a compromise - you could pay.

Thank you freckle. Will sit down and chat about the blind spots. Good advice.

Sorry seem callous, just also really defensive about ds's developing allergies and can see if it carries on this way he wont get to see much of them either.

I think that people who don't have allergies and asthma have no idea just how dangerous it can be and how blummin miserable it can make your life. The thing is though, that even if they did put the animals out the back, their house is already covered in dander. In fact, even without the new dog I would bet that you'll have an attack in their house because they won't have damp dusted and shampood all their carpets and furnishings.

I wouldn't make it a PIL vs me thing though. I would just explain that you cannot stay at their house. Not their fault that you're allergic, not your fault either, it's just the way things are. If you've been hospitalised twice, then there is concrete evidence that it just isn't worth it. Either they can visit you, or you can stay in a B and B. End of story.

I think you also have blind spots in that you expect them to live their lives in such a way that suits you.

have you said why they can't come to you?

I think you all need to reach a compromise.

You can't stay somewhere there are animals.

They should be allowed to have animals, there are all sorts of good reasons for this.

Therefore, you need to stay somewhere else or have them come to you.

Nobody is being unreaonable! You just need to find ways round the problem. Try to be really kind to them and acknowledge that they are trying but just can't accommodate your needs without a hell of a lot of sacrifice on their part - so find a way in which you can still see them without having to suffer. Work together toward the same end:

Grandchildren and grandparents should see each other somehow.

Your combined enemy is the asthma. Work with them.