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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to not want dd to stay at mils house?

17 replies

anon1982 · 27/08/2008 18:34

my mil has recently asked if she can have dd over night on a sunday when i go back to work as i have asked her to have her on a monday. she currently has her other grandchildren over to stay but they are older.

the reasons dh and i dont want her to have her are that she has recently remarried and we dont really know her dh very well, plus she has moved 40 minutes away as apose to 10 mins away, dd is only 6mo and mil has barely seen her since she was born. she is much more familiar with my parents and has stayed with them which mil knows.

dont want to upset her (v. easily upset and easy to cry) but i think i would worry too much about dd.

OP posts:

hanaflower · 27/08/2008 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flibbertyjibbet · 27/08/2008 18:37

If she's only 6m old then yanbu.

When she is older she can go for holidays.

biscuitytrousers · 27/08/2008 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CapnTaLcY · 27/08/2008 18:53

YANBU

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 18:54

6 months old is too young. Tell her that you will wait until they have a good relationship and your DD knows who she is!

Original poster

anon1982 · 27/08/2008 19:05

Plus I wont see her from Sunday teatime till Monday teatime. I know IANBU. Thanks for agreeing just need to be tough.

OP posts:

hercules1 · 27/08/2008 19:06

YANBU

posieflump · 27/08/2008 19:08

yanbu
hope she still wants dd on Mondays though when you tell her no

HonoriaGlossop · 27/08/2008 19:08

Agree, YANBU. It is perfectly reasonable not to want your baby out of the house overnight. I'd just say "I will miss her so much I want to be with her all the time that I can when I'm not at work".

pamelat · 27/08/2008 19:48

I think 6 months is too young. I would be devasted if my 7 month DD had to go away for one night a week.

How would she like 1 night a month when DD is a bit older?

lardybump · 27/08/2008 19:53

My dd is 17 months old and mil has asked the same but I have said I am not ready to leave her yet. I have said that when dd is talking and can express her needs then she can stay overnight but until then I am not happy to be without her.

alicet · 27/08/2008 19:58

YANBU but I think the fact that you have let your dd stay with your mum makes this more of a minefield.

I think however the fact that they haven't spent much time with dd as yet is a good argument. I would say that you are not opposed to it but that you would like them to get to know each other better first by spending the mondays together and that you will consider it in a couple of months. And maybe before she stays there on her own stay one sunday night there with her too (only 40 mins away so presume still not too far for work) if practical?

Hopefully this will go down better than a flat no. Although obviously only say this if you mean it! You can also use this time to get to know her dh a bit better.

lilymolly · 27/08/2008 20:03

oh my parents and in laws look after dd on a monday and we have a similar arrangement as they live 40 miles away.

My dd started staying there when she was 7months old - much to my concern and she is now 2.7 and she loves it- I have never had any issues and both set of parents enjoy it

We love it too as we have a nice night off too

Elkat · 27/08/2008 20:09

I don't think that you are being unreasonable. I think the distance does make a big difference. I'm guessing your mum lives closeby, and so if your baby gets ill in the middle of the night or cannot be settled or whatever it is, then it is easy to do a 10 min journey to go and see her at 3am. However, if your MIL is 40 mins away, then you can't exactly be there at the drop of a hat if your child is ill and / or upset and wanting mummy at 3am. I think that is a perfectly reasonable excuse for a child of your DDs age. I wouldn't have been happy being that far away from my DD at that age, hell I even spent my wedding anni in a night in a hotel in my home town when my DD was a baby, because I couldn't bear the thought of not being able to get to her easily if she became upset or needed me. Luckily, for me, she never did - but I do have a friend who regularly has to do 3am pick ups from the grandma for their 4 year old! Would this excuse work for you?

grouchomarx · 27/08/2008 20:14

I don't think you are being unreasonable but...

your parents have already had her to stay? so she is not unused to being away from you/nor you from her. Mil knows this.

you trust her enough to look after her all day Monday. Will she have to drive over to pick dd up or will you be taking her to them?

do you have particular concerns about her new dh or is just lack of familiarity? do you worry that he will be left in charge of her rather than your mil?

perhaps a compromise would be to ask her if she will look after her mondays to begin with and then, once your dd seems settled with her try leaving her one night?

alicet · 27/08/2008 21:07

I still think YANBU (your baby your rules blah blah) but on reading this again it does strike me that it would be a bit difficult to use the argument that your dd doesn't know her that well. If this is the case then why are you happy for her to be with mil a while day on Monday?

Now I know staying overnight is a bit different but I'm not so sure your mil will see it this way.

How about my earlier suggestion that you stay too for a couple of sunday nights? And then you can get to know her dh too and your mil can do the night stuff with the reassurance that you are there if necessary. Then suggest that once a month / whatever you are hapy with is OK.

Of course if you are just not happy it is probably easier to use the its too far away in case she wakes and won't settle argument... As she already knows she stays with your mum you can hardly say you don't want to be apart from her.

Good luck sorting this out

Original poster

anon1982 · 27/08/2008 22:01

MIL lives 40 mins away but still has her old flat from before her marriage 10 mins away so she will be watching her there in a familiar environment. I have only been to her new house twice and its 40 mins south of my house and i work 30 mins north. its going to be over an hour trip to pick her up if she stays over.

however, thanks for the advice.

OP posts:

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