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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Not Make His Dinner

90 replies

memoo · 27/08/2008 08:56

DP and I both work full time. When I finish I still have all the house hold chores to do as well as sorting out the DC, make their tea, homework, bath etc.

I do all the housework and laundry, including DP's. Basically he does nothing around the house at all. I'm not too bothered by this as I'm home by 4 and he doesn't get in until after 8.

But the one thing I generally don't do is make his dinner. The DC have theirs at 5 and I usually eat with them. There is always stuff in for him to make, including a few ready meals that he just has to microwave (oh the shame!!) but when I have been on my feet for 12 hours working my arse off I am just to knackered to make him big meals. I'm up at 7 and then between work and the kids I don't get to sit down till at least 8pm.

At weekends we cook things together and always have a big lunch on a Sunday.

The thing is I can tell that this bothers DP a little, and when it came out in coversation one day when we were at his mothers she nearly had a fit!

So am I being unreasonable, am i just crap and lazy!?

OP posts:
halogen · 27/08/2008 12:48

I'd be inclined to let the kids choose (or rather to make something they like instead of something the husband likes) because they're not capable of making their own dinner.

But there must be a few things that everyone likes, surely? Perhaps you could do something that everyone likes some of the time and let him get his own dinner the rest of the time.

SJisontheway · 27/08/2008 13:02

If he's having ALL his housework done for him then I think getting his own dinner is perfectly reasonable - especially as you're working. If he'd like to eat with you I think he should do the cooking for both of you. Although I understand why you may like to eat earlier. You have an early start and having a big meal so close to bedtime isn't ideal. You're up an hour earlier and on the go longer. Fair's fair.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/08/2008 13:32

why should she 'reheat and add finely chopped chillis and mushrooms' when he gets home?! Blimey! She's worked full time, had sole charge of the kids since getting in, and got them fed and to bed. Why on god's earth should she then stand there finely chopping bleedin' chillis and mushrooms for her DH? JEEEEEEEZ.

Judy1234 · 27/08/2008 14:18

It's really important women don't accept sexism in marriages. He could cook when he gets home. She's been working at home from 4 - 8 with children doing a second shift of work in a sense. I would not however accept a life where ai worked shorter hours than the man and did all the housework. I'd rather work until 6 or 8 myself and have child care in the home. It would make the home more equitable if you both worked similar hours.

Original poster
memoo · 27/08/2008 14:18

Honoria! I couldn't have put it better myself!

Tonight we are having irish sausages, mash, carrots and broccoli, and gravy. I'm going to plate some up and put it in the microwave for him, I bet he turns his nose up at it!!

This is a man who likes me to iron his hankerchiefs! (and yes he's only 35, not 75)

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 27/08/2008 14:19

I wonder how much the mother in law earns. These issues often come down to power and money. When women earn big bucks men don't exploit them. When women take on pin money jobs they get the consequences they deserve.

bozza · 27/08/2008 14:23

The problem is that there is already a major imbalance in the household. So in a household where both partners are pulling their weight roughly equally then yes, SWBU, but because she is doing absolutely everything else, then SINBU. If he agreed to take on some of the other chores then the OP might be more inclined to make an effort over dinners. Also the DH has more time in the morning so maybe he should be putting on a slow cooker stew that will be ready for memoo and the DC when they get home.

FWIW DH never cooks and I always ensure their is a cooked meal for him and the DC even if I will not be there (maybe sauce out of the freezer and he will warm in and do pasta). I do not, however, expect to be doing the clearing up or loading the dishwasher unless DH is not home that evening. And he always does the children's breakfasts and makes his own sandwiches.

Original poster
memoo · 27/08/2008 14:24

my MIL is retired now but she worked in a pub, so definately not big bucks.

She had DP when she was in her 40's and is now in her 70's. I think that generation did have different ideas about how things should be in the home. I know she did all the housework, childcare etc, did dinner when her DH came in from work, put the kids to bed and then went to her job in the pub at night!

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 27/08/2008 14:25

memoo, be strong! The meal you are making sounds blummin delicious (can you plate me up one as well, be round about 7!!!!)and if he turns his nose up, he can make something else. I am staggered that he would think it was reasonable to do anything else.

I think it is time for a list to go up in the kitchen of domestic chores and it needs to be split FAR more equally!!!! Good luck!!

LoveMyGirls · 27/08/2008 14:36

Can you get a slow cooker? (don't know if its been suggested) then you can put stew in before you go to work? (chop and freeze batches of veg at the weekend)

You can also do chicken chasseur, spag bol, chilli, shep pie etc

Judy1234 · 27/08/2008 14:45

I don't agree. My mother worked full time for 13 years. She would never have tolerated in the 1960s an unequal relationship. My father did all the night fees for each of the first three babies for example (once she stopped breastfeeding me) as well as working full time and he hoovered at weekends. It all comes down the personality of the women - some are made to be door mats and tolerate inequities and others don't allow them to happen.

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2008 14:47

He should make his own. Have only read OP though.

marymungoandmidge · 27/08/2008 14:51

YANBU but I think if you just made up one meal (which you do for the children I presume)and he could also eat it later when he gets in, then it would be easier all round? I always eat with my OH later in the evening...cos its not exactly relaxing eating with the los

Judy1234 · 27/08/2008 14:53

True and I'm being a bit militant and having a nice relationship is more important than who cooks the dinner. I had a very very unhappy marriage which was very fairly arranged in terms of domestic chores which is hardly compensation. We used to get the nanny to cook the children's meal and then eat in the evening if we were both in or if one out the other would just cook for themselves. I suspect one or other of us was out more in the evenings though that some people where every day they both get home and stay in.

marymungoandmidge · 27/08/2008 15:00

I think you've got a point Xenia...but it isn't just down to training the husband in what he should do - their bloody mothers (MILs) have a lot to answer for - hence the OP's MIL 'having a fit'...Anyway that's another one...I'm thankful that my OH does actually like preparing dinner, but we inevitably do have then the debate over other chores.........

bergentulip · 27/08/2008 15:24

I think half the problem seems to be that you are having your dinner with your children and leaving your DH to eat by himself. That would p* me off too if it happened on a regular basis. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but..!

I don't feel nearly as awful cooking dinner after a long day at work if I know I can actually share it with my 'loved one'.

I cook dinner for my two DSs at 5pm, generally something very easy, and pretty quick to prepare, not perhaps the most exciting thing in the world but home-made, they like it, and the grown ups eat something lovely in the evening.
We all eat together at the weekend.

YANBU. I would not cook two full on meals a day either, but I think YABU expecting your DH to cook and eat alone every evening. I'd find it pretty depressing if I was him.

Spatz · 27/08/2008 15:26

I do agree about the eating alone really, but it sounds like he could help out more, especially in the morning.

marymungoandmidge · 27/08/2008 15:26

I agree Bergentulip...we do exactly the same in our house.

VictorianSqualor · 27/08/2008 15:40

I don't like reheated microwaved foot at all, so wouldn't be likely to eat it, but if my partner was willing to do more around the house and eat dinner with me I'd put up with horrid reheated dry food.

expatinscotland · 27/08/2008 15:48

You're his partner, not his mother or skivvy.

YANBU.

He's very lucky he's married to me and not you.

Because bothered a little is the least he'd be if he were living with me and we were both working FT and he didn't do FA around the house AND expected me to make his fucking dinner as well.

In fact, he'd soon need to find another place to live so he could hire a maid.

I could not abide such laziness because I certainly don't dish it out to my husband.

expatinscotland · 27/08/2008 15:48

You're his partner, not his mother or skivvy.

YANBU.

He's very lucky he's married to me and not you.

Because bothered a little is the least he'd be if he were living with me and we were both working FT and he didn't do FA around the house AND expected me to make his fucking dinner as well.

In fact, he'd soon need to find another place to live so he could hire a maid.

I could not abide such laziness because I certainly don't dish it out to my husband.

expatinscotland · 27/08/2008 15:48

You're his partner, not his mother or skivvy.

YANBU.

He's very lucky he's married to me and not you.

Because bothered a little is the least he'd be if he were living with me and we were both working FT and he didn't do FA around the house AND expected me to make his fucking dinner as well.

In fact, he'd soon need to find another place to live so he could hire a maid.

I could not abide such laziness because I certainly don't dish it out to my husband.

expatinscotland · 27/08/2008 15:49

i meant married to you and not me!

HonoriaGlossop · 27/08/2008 15:50

Also wanted to add that I think it is more important that the kids get a parent eating with them; family mealtimes are so important in terms of communication, role modelling social skills, sharing food as a pleasure, etc; if the other parent gets in too late to partake that's a shame but it shouldn't mean the kids don't have family meals with a parent each week day IMO.

If getting in later means eating alone, that's just a fact of life IMO and doesn't have to mean the marriage will fall apart

swiftyknickers · 27/08/2008 15:51

oh oh oh i agree with Expat!!! get him to cook his own food-lazy git