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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Not Make His Dinner

90 replies

memoo · 27/08/2008 08:56

DP and I both work full time. When I finish I still have all the house hold chores to do as well as sorting out the DC, make their tea, homework, bath etc.

I do all the housework and laundry, including DP's. Basically he does nothing around the house at all. I'm not too bothered by this as I'm home by 4 and he doesn't get in until after 8.

But the one thing I generally don't do is make his dinner. The DC have theirs at 5 and I usually eat with them. There is always stuff in for him to make, including a few ready meals that he just has to microwave (oh the shame!!) but when I have been on my feet for 12 hours working my arse off I am just to knackered to make him big meals. I'm up at 7 and then between work and the kids I don't get to sit down till at least 8pm.

At weekends we cook things together and always have a big lunch on a Sunday.

The thing is I can tell that this bothers DP a little, and when it came out in coversation one day when we were at his mothers she nearly had a fit!

So am I being unreasonable, am i just crap and lazy!?

OP posts:
Scarletibis · 27/08/2008 10:56

YANBU - I am a SAHM and DH often cooks his/our meal in the evening. He does his own laundry - I do pretty much the rest of the housework. I think particulary if he's being fussy about what he eats he can't complain.

chapstickchick · 27/08/2008 11:04

maybe im old fashioned (i have been known to get up at 2am heavily pregnant to cook pork chop, egg and chips for my dh returning after shiftwork).

If you are home at 4 and cook tea for children and yourself then yes i think you could cook dh something or prepare something ready(even if its just parboiling his potatoes or preparing his salad).

its what makes a family-looking after each other imo.

as a mum of 3 sons if their wives didnt cook for them i reckon theyd come home for tea to me!!!!

bozza · 27/08/2008 11:17

But what looking after is he doing chap? It is sounding a bit one way really. quint I give my children fishfingers and chips on a weekend lunchtime when they are going to have a party (sandwiches) tea or eat late or whatever.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/08/2008 11:19

Why chapstick? Does he have to leave his arms and brain at work? Poor chap.

QuintessentialShadow · 27/08/2008 11:26

Gosh I really hope I manage to raise my boys as such wellrounded and selfreliant people that they can cook a meal for themselves rather than come running to me!

VictorianSqualor · 27/08/2008 11:27

Chapstick, I agree to a point, if she is already cooking, then she should make something for him too, and just adjust the meals for all the family, but he should agree to take on more of the housework if she is going to do that.

I actually think if she was to do that, and practically make one dinner for everyone, he wins, cos he gets dinner, and she wins too as she gets more help with the house, but less work as only making one meal.

feature · 27/08/2008 11:27

YANBU - M&S ready meals are fantastic for situations like this one!

Original poster
memoo · 27/08/2008 11:29

DP likes really spicy stuff, rice, couscous, fry-ups,

Type of stuff kids eat:

pasta with homemade tomato sauce (DP will only eat if its really spicy full of peppers and mushrooms, kids won't)

home made maccaroni cheese, (DP won't eat this reheated)

Mash, Veg and sausages or fishfingers (DP would eat the mash and veg but would like me to do him steak or similar when he gets in.

baked spuds with fillings ie tuna, beans, cheese (DP won't eat reheated baked spuds)

I do sometimes do stews which he doesn't mind reheating but he prefers them if they have been cooked for hours which isn't possible if i'm at work all day.

VictorianSqualor, I don't work outside the home for 12 hours, I'm up at 7 with kids (DH gets up at 8). Then I go to work for 9 and i'm home for 4. I mean I'm on my feet for 12 hours including running round after kids, doing housework etc.

OP posts:
slavemum · 27/08/2008 11:32

Can you reach a bit of a compromise with him?
ie, maybe 2 or 3 nights a week you make a dinner that the kids can eat at 5 and can be reheated for you and dh to eat together when he comes in, and the other nights he sorts himself out.
I understand how tiring it is being on the go all day and trying hard to keep everyone happy. Maybe if you're wiling to come and go abit during the week, then on saturday he could let you sit back and cook dinner.

Spatz · 27/08/2008 11:32

Perhaps if DH could get up with kids at 7 you would have the energy at the end of the day to cook for him

My DH often cooks for both of us in the evening - he actually enjoys it as a wind-down after work. Feels he actually produces something worthwhile. We do try and eat together rather than me with the kids - otherwise our week-day lives would barely overlap.

slavemum · 27/08/2008 11:34

Sorry memoo, x post.
I take all that back..if he's gonna be a fussy git sod it and let him sort himself out. Tell him you'll happily cook for him when he helps you more.

VictorianSqualor · 27/08/2008 11:37

Could you adjust those dinners so that you could get one out of them?

For example, when making the pasta for the DC's leave some over, and just add spices, pepper and mushroom that you could have prepared when doing the DCs, when you eat with DP? I add mushrooms to DP's pasta once I've served mine.
Macaroni cheese, just make extra pasta nd put the cheese sauce on when he gets in.

Jacket potatoes are the easiest, if salad/beans/cheese is prepared when you do the Dc's then just throw a couple more spuds in the oven an hour or so before he is due home.

The mash and steak, if you did enough potatoes and veg for all of you, then he could do his steak, or you could do the steak and he could do something you'd normally do.

If he wants stews etc then they could be prepared in the morning, and left on slow cook all day. But if he expects you to do it then he will have to take over a job you would normally do in the morning.

It would be pretty simple to make dinner for all of you in one go, but you need him to do more aroudn the house if he wants this.

Spatz · 27/08/2008 11:37

PS YANBU

VictorianSqualor · 27/08/2008 11:38

Oh also, is there a reason you don't want to eat with him? Or is it just that as you're cooking the DC's dinner you find it easier to eat then?

chapstickchick · 27/08/2008 11:38

no honoria his arms are still attatched and quite often carried in vimto lollies that i craved and flowers and of course wages ....he was working v long hours - i wasnt and so i cooked for him.

catsmother · 27/08/2008 11:45

Bloody hell ...... if all I had to do was reheat something someone else had kindly made previously - on the same day, not blinking weeks ago FFS - I'd be very grateful. There is little, if any, difference in reheating the sort of food you've described - and certainly not enough to then expect you to cook something else again.

If he's that fussy, then he really needs to sort himself out.

BandofMothers · 27/08/2008 11:46

It seems to me that he is quite fussy himself, which would annoy me as well as having to cater to fussy dc's, which mine are too.
He needs to compromise some re reheating things, and if he wants steak instead of whatever you have had then he needs to be prepared to cook it himself, you work as hard as he does and you are not his servant.

My DH used to be a chef but has no qualms about reheating, he will cook a steak himself, as I don't do it right and he is just glad to be fed usually, so has no room to complain. Though admittedly I dont work. He needs to give you a break.

VictorianSqualor · 27/08/2008 11:51

I wouldn't eat a reheated jacket spud or Macaroni cheese tbh.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/08/2008 12:02

yes but getting up at 2am to do it smacks of the martyr to me. Couldn't he have had a plate left in the oven and heated that up? I don't know what sort of man likes to see his heavily pregnant wife get up at 2am to cook....he should have had more concern for you. Earning money is not all there is to it.

Nismy · 27/08/2008 12:03

Good Lord, why on earth should you cook for him? It sounds like you are doing more than your fair share already! If he wants you to cook for him then he needs to take over some of your chores.

chapstickchick · 27/08/2008 12:05

no honoria i chose to get up.

Jux · 27/08/2008 12:05

YANBU. If he won't eat what the kids eat, then he should make his own. Bloody hell, what a baby.

VictorianSqualor · 27/08/2008 12:14

Why should the kids get to choose?!?!

HonoriaGlossop · 27/08/2008 12:16

yes clearly you chose it but what I'm saying is I can't think much of a man who wouldn't say, "no, don't be silly, you're heavily pregnant, get back to bed and rest"

However, I fully accept that is your approach and your life; different horses for different courses and all that

QuintessentialShadow · 27/08/2008 12:40

I very often cook for Indian guests, who like things a lot more spicy than we do. I have been known to cook curries in three different spice strenghts. Spicing up food is not difficult. With some pickled jalapenos, some fresh chilli, and hot chilli sauce, you are nearly there. To a tomato based pasta sauce, reheat and add finely chopped chillis and mushrooms when your dh gets home. etc.