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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect not to be a single parent at the weekends as well as during the week!

17 replies

rubyloopy · 26/08/2008 09:14

Message withdrawn

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 26/08/2008 09:19

He is taking the piss but, in fairness, you are letting him.

You need a weekend with the girls. Just let him get on with it and for God's sake do not leave him a list of instructions, let him work it our for himself.

ihatebikerides · 26/08/2008 09:22

Think you need to Have A Talk. Soon. YANBU. Don't foreget you work hard during the week too, but seems it's 24/7 for you whereas he has the weekends off. Bit of task reassignment due, I reckon. And don't ask him to "help out." It's his job too.

potoroo · 26/08/2008 09:22

Ruby, I feel your pain....and I also hate 'nagging'. DH is usually quite reasonable, but will come and talk to me while I am working and I have to say 'could you stack the dishwasher' or 'could you help me hang out the clothes' at the same time.

I have come to the conclusion that men sometimes don't actually see what needs to be done and actually need a list, or at least some direction.

It's really important that you talk to him - it might not be that he deliberately ignores what you are doing, but has got used to it. But if you don't talk to him, you will get more angry which won't help.

Perhaps make a list of chores? Divide them up or share them? Ask him how he would like them to be done - get his input. But don't let it go on, and definetely don't assume that he will pick up the slack if you stop... that doesn't usually work.

LazyLinePainterJane · 26/08/2008 09:28

Well, you have 2 options. You can stop letting this happen and talk to him, or you can let it fester and then divorce him in 10 years when you can't stand him any more.

Original poster

rubyloopy · 26/08/2008 09:31

Message withdrawn

OP posts:

slavemum · 26/08/2008 09:34

Ruby, think you may have my husband!
Know just how you feel, and it's not nice..feel like screaming 'this is not a Hotel' at him sometimes.
They seem to think because they're out at work all day it excuses them from any work when they get home. They don't seem to realise we work ALL the time and a 'day off' is a very distant memory.
How old are your dc? Could you maybe try drawing up a list of chores that they can help with, then show it to your dh and tell him if the dc are helping, he needs to to?
Or go on strike..tell him the washing fairy is on holiday this week and he'll need to get off his arse and do it himself!

Heifer · 26/08/2008 09:34

Well, tbh, to start with I think you SHOULD EXPECT SOMETHING FROM HIM during week day evenings! My DH is out from 7.00 - 7.00ish and he puts DD to bed (used to bath her every night when she was smaller)...

If that isn't possible due to bedtime etc, then at least he can do is wash up (load the dishwasher etc)....

Then at weekends - take it it turns to have a lie in - Saturday you have one, for at least 2 hrs, then he can get breakfast etc for the children and play with them etc.

Why should you not get to sit there and do nothing! surely you are entitled to a rest yourself sometimes!

He is doing this because you are letting him. Things won't change unless you make them, maybe do it little by little but do something!

VictorianSqualor · 26/08/2008 09:38

What have you tried to change things so far?

Original poster

rubyloopy · 26/08/2008 09:42

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OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 26/08/2008 09:59

Doesn't he want to do anything with his children?
You need to have a frank discussion

Heifer · 26/08/2008 10:00

Good for you, probably best not to write him a 2 page list to start with though, little and often I think would be best....

Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 10:02

rubyloopy - you have all my sympathies, a totally passive partner who thinks his sole contribution to family life is earning money is a nightmare to live with. And I think it's unsustainable as a couple "relationship".

How do/did his parents function as a couple? Is he copying his father's role model?

Original poster

rubyloopy · 26/08/2008 10:13

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OP posts:

Aimsmum · 26/08/2008 10:16

Message withdrawn

Anna8888 · 26/08/2008 10:19

Very interesting . So his mother ruled the roost and didn't actually allow her husband or child(ren) any room to manoeuvre in the household? If that's the case, it is hardly surprising that your DH is totally unskilled when it comes to domestic life.

Bad luck because you will need to train him with great patience and tact and it will be a lot of work. The most important bit will be convincing him of the benefits to him of learning how to operate domestically. Once you have convinced him, he'll want to as he'll realise that he'll be much happier contributing to his own life that being a passive partner.

Original poster

rubyloopy · 26/08/2008 10:20

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HonoriaGlossop · 26/08/2008 10:59

expect more; that's it exactly. He has CHOSEN to have a wife, children and a home. With that choice comes responsibility - and not just to earn money. Yes that's very important but it does not cancel out the other very real responsibilities that come with being a father.

You should expect much, much more from him. And it will be far better for you and for the kids in the long term if you stop enabling him. He needs to be more involved to help his bond with the kids and to give them a chance of seeing how a good domestic set up works; kids learn so much from watching their parents (as Anna has shown, his own parents had a BIG impact on how he is, didn't they?)

It probably will need you to actually make a written list that goes up in the kitchen detailing exactly what needs doing every day. And then it's just a case of "I'll do this, if you can get on with that".

Good luck.

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