to be jealous that other people have kind easy going dps/dhs

[vinous]

i.e. the sort that would take child to playgroup if they were off work and you were ill.
the sort that sees you as in it together
the sort that will still enjoy a day out if it rains
the sort that will pay to park if it's more convenient

Is it normal for dp to be the way he is, or could he be nicer?

OP
What do you mean by nasty?

I wouldn't say not doing the things in the OP are 'nasty' per se, just things I appreciate about DP.

After he finished doing all the housework this morning and making me breakfast I told him he was a SAP, oh, actually, no I didn't. I said 'Thank you'.

Where on earth did I get the word nasty from?

There are lots of different issues muddled on the thread.

Most reasonable men muck in at home, share tasks, deal with children. Most of us wouldn't marry a man who didn't.

A few women tolerate sexist or lazy men but that's more fool them. They made their bed etc....

That is completely different an issue from whether you want a man who does everything you say or whether you want a man who tells you what to do or whether you want neither extreme and just something in the middle. I don't think that aspect is anything to do with who does child care and who is lazy or not.

When I was ill a month or so ago, dh went on the nursery day trip with ds3 that I had committed to.

He's in sole charge of children all this weekend while I am holed up in the office up to my eyes in work.

He's got them dressed, made lunch, done the grocery shop, sat and watched a film with them....he took them to the park yesterday.

Sometimes he needs a prod to do things but, you know, so do I sometimes.

I think he is Great.

My dp is great.

I could write a long list of all the things he does.

Mostly he is great because he sets a perfect example to our boys.

They wont grow up into arseholes who treat their partners like 1950's housewives.

I agree that if a woman tolerates a partner being lazy or sexist, then they are setting themselves up to produce kids who will grow up with the same limited aspirations.
Sadly there are a few women who do accept being treated like a 1950s housewife. I know a couple of women who see the home and family as totally their domain - their life revolves around doing to school run, a bit of shopping and lunching and then cooking the dinner and doing homework with the kids. The husband's job is to go to work and pay for this lifestyle. I suppose you could say that in these cases, the woman knows what the deal is and clearly is happy to accept it. Personally it wouldnt suit me, as I would hate my children to grow up with such narrow role models. I think women and men owe it to themselves and eachother to actually communicate about what they want out of life, and then get on and work together to make it happen

tiredemma said it exactly right. If that makes my dh a sap, and if that means we're bringing our ds's up to be saps, then I for one won't be shedding any tears.

Blimey SM007 does your DH not enjoy being a dad? DH loved taking DD1 to nursery, he also takes her to school and picks her up. He takes DD2 to mums and tots, takes them both to softplay and the park. He does this unprompted and you know what he also enjoys it, shock horror. He is not a sap.

Or if that makes him him a sap then I'd rather be married to one, the someone who doesn't enjoy his children and is a miserable bastard.

I've haven't read the whole thread yet, so don't flame me if you said something else to the contrary.

Dp is anything but easy going. He is argumentative, 'common' sometimes (not that im a snob at all), drinks too much and disciplines the children in a way that I dont agree with BUT he loves me and the chldren, he pays the mortgage and takes us on holiday and he takes children to the park etc. I wouldnt want a boring life and its certainly not that with him. All men have their good and bad sides. Never look at a couple and thinks its all rosy - it never is

LOL moon66.

my dh varies enormously, hugely solid and supportive about the big stuff of life but can be a little lame about going to a bbq with lots of people he doesn't know or taking ds to certain activities.

It all depends on how hungry he is.

I think it would be nice to have a dh who could be happy if it rains and always see the bright side - but then I'm not like that either!

Also, do you still find him attractive? I think if there is still a spark between a couple than that's fantastically good luck/good achievement. A lot can be forgiven if a man is still able to turn his partner/wife on!!!

shatteredmums im not sure i would be happy about the discipline issue there, especially after saying that he drinks too much

unaccomplishedfatty... my DH does actually enjoy being a dad but he will do things like go shopping at Tesco after a night shift for me so we have food to eat (saves me having to do it with DS during the day) and he'll also take DS away for one day (a whole day, not just an afternoon) a week and various other things to help out, he just wouldn't be chuffed if he had to take our DS to a playgroup that isn't compulsory (he would take him to nursery or school, if I asked him to). He looks after DS when I have things to do during the day around the house when he's off work he'll spend time without being asked, he just gets on with it. But he also likes to spend time online gaming too, and appreciates time to himself. He works hard so I don't blame him for this.He does alot of O/T. I don't expect him to feel up to looking after DS all the time (he is also suffering from sleep apnoea so feels crap alot of the time).

My DH is not a sap, but he will do all of the things the OP said.

He puts his foot down when he needs to do something work-wise, and I put my foot down when I really need help (when really stressed/tired). DH isn't good at offering to do things (except his standard stuff like bathtime, and taking dog/DS for walkies ) and often needs to be asks, but rarely objects

We're a partnership.

The only thing that bugs me is that he feels that I know DS better, spending most of my time with him, so he defers to me on most parenting decisions. We do however discuss them all so he asks questions about the whys and wherefores etc, and I can tell he's actually on-board with something when he reminds me of what we agreed on (for example when starting BLW) or asks me why we're not doing particular things.

We've had to make some decisions about getting DS to sleep recently, and I have been annoyed that DS won't say "yes we should do X " or "no we shouldn't" but that's because I don't want it to be my decision

Hi. Thanks for so many replies. Only just back on here as we've been out today.
To be fair to dp, he would drop dd off at a playgroup. I was referring more to a mothers and toddlers group, where he'd have to be amongst mostly women for a couple of hours.
Some posters have asked why I'd be with someone who I don't find entirely supportive in the first place. Well we were together for 13 years before we had dd. He always had these characteristics but it never upset me terribly. I just thought well yes he does have these faults but I also love him for x, y and z. Now, having dd, these things have come into sharper focus. I think I really want him to be a wonderful father and for dd to have a happy and secure childhood (in may ways he is a good father). And when he isn't supportive, I feel really hurt that my child's father and my partner can't be kinder.
I oscilate between thinking, well that's who he is, I can't change him, should count my blessings etc. and then thinking, I should remind him to be helpful and expect more of him. At worst, I imagine splitting up, but don't think there is any problem too significant to break up my child's family unit.
Thanks for reading.

I think when you have been a couple for so long (13 yrs) before your dcs come along then it is a huge adjustment for you both.

The dynamics of your relationships do shift and your priorities change enormously. i think as a mother we seem to adapt to the change so much quicker. Roll up the shirt sleeves and get on with it so to speak.

I am by no means defending lazy dads, but i do honestly think it takes them longer to adjust to the fact that they are no longer number one in their partners eyes. I do think it's tough and they need to live with it, but its like they struggle to let go of the pre baby lifestyle at times.

Some dads seem to come really right into it when the dcs are a little older and as unfortunate as this is, it is the case at times.

My friend's dh was hopeless at helping out, but when their ds hit 5 she hardly ever sees them now!!!

Good luck and hope things work out.

OP - from your most recent post it sounds as though he is just a normal human being, with faults like anybody and that he hasnt really changed from when you got together.
I think when we have children, we all have such great hopes and desires for them - we have this dream of having the perfect life, because our instinct is to want our children to have the best of everything. Real life is all about shades of grey. There will be some things that may be you do better than your partner, in other ways, he may outshine you. And children's needs change too. My DH is utterly amazing with our kids now they are older, but he found it harder when they were little. He just wasn't that interested in games/activities when they were younger. But they get the payback now. hang on in there!

Ah, you could be me - DP and i were together 14 years and along came DD2. DD1 was from a previous relationship. It has been a big shock for us, and not without problems i have to say. Everything changes and lets face it, after so long you settle with each other, for better for worse i guess. So yes, there are things id change about DP, but having nearly split up on occasion (i have isshooos) i wouldnt want to go there.

No ones perfect, but if you feel you are not getting enough support, TELL HIM, he probably thinks everything is just peachy, in his typical male, head in the clouds way.

oh and yes, DP definately enjoying DD more now she is 3. Can Do stuff with her and hes really quite good at it. I did have to think of you this afternoon though - we got soaked whilst out flying our kites.

We had a planned child 13 months after we married, under an arrangement suggested by their father that if we couldn't get childcare he would give up work and on the basis he would never "help" at home or be regarded as some kind of man God because he did as much as me but instead that that was normal and the last any full time couple can expect of the man. That worked for us and their father is a teacher and I always worked full time and earned more which I suppose does affect the dynamics of the relationship a bit in terms of whether a man is "helping" at home or doing his fair share of tasks.

Lucyellensmum - Sorry It did sound bad. I dont mean he hits them or anything when he has had a drink tho I forgive you for thinking that. He shouts rather than talks it through but that is rare. He hasnt got as much patience as me.He doesnt really drink in the house anymore so kids dont see him when he has had a drink. Im startng to think exaggerate about his drinking. Admittedly he did used to drink alot but after a big bust up he has made a real effort to stop. He goes football practice mon and weds. And might have a drink 1 or 2 nights in the week and at weekends. I dont think thats bad now. Sorry ive started going on on the wrong thread really. Apologies.

its OK, there are differences in opinion on discipline in this house too - except im the shouty one. I always think, once you start to shout, you've lost the battle, but of course listening to one's own advice is not my strong point. I would be frustrated by someone who went out drinking that much, but it is common practice i think in lots of marriages so therefore acceptable? Its easy for me to make that judgement though as my DP never goes out (his choice). I am insecure so that would be a problem for me, but he never has wanted that type of life so it works well for us. I think we are the exception to that rule though.

I know of some women who want their partners to go out. It would drive me mad if he didnt go out so everyones different - thank goodness

YABU to be jealous. You have no idea what other people are like behind closed doors.

Sounds like your dp is the way he is, did you not know about his personality before you had children together? Difficult to change people once they are adults. I hope that he does have some good points too and does other stuff to help out, if not with the dc with chores, dinner, going out just the two of you.

If you can think of not one redeeming feature that your dp has then it may be time for some very hard thinking on your part.