Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be jealous that other people have kind easy going dps/dhs

99 replies

vinous · 03/08/2008 11:20

i.e. the sort that would take child to playgroup if they were off work and you were ill.
the sort that sees you as in it together
the sort that will still enjoy a day out if it rains
the sort that will pay to park if it's more convenient

Is it normal for dp to be the way he is, or could he be nicer?

OP posts:
ExterminAitch · 03/08/2008 12:16

by zero i mean minimal, really. obv zero conflict is unlikely.

StellaWasADiver · 03/08/2008 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog · 03/08/2008 12:18

we all chose our dp / dh and presumably knew what they were like when we did so.

i chose someone who would be happy to get involved with the dc's and my dh has taken dd to her activities when I've not been able to.

right now he's making dd's lunch because i'm 38 weeks pg and feeling rather tired.

how nice to have someone to be able to lean on when you need. doesn't make me think any the less of him, the opposite in fact.

scottishmum007 · 03/08/2008 12:18

I couldn't imagine having it any other way. There's no verbal or physical abuse in our relationship besides the odd argument, which i am sure most couples have from time to time. whether that be which channel to watch together, or where to go on hols etc.

ExterminAitch · 03/08/2008 12:21

anyway, poor old vinous. the thing about being ill is an alarm bell, and the thing about having a good time in the rain also. gotta say, dh doesn't much like getting wet (whereas me and dd actively like splashing in puddles etc) but he would just put a hat on and get on with it and dream of a hot bath when he gets home. and i'd likely draw the bath and make him a hot chocolate etc cos i'd know he'd made an effort earlier and i'd appreciate that. give and take and all that.

aGalChangedHerName · 03/08/2008 12:22

My DH is the only dad in the class of 20 children at dd1's nursery who does a duty (goes in and helps)

Must be a sap hey?

ExterminAitch · 03/08/2008 12:25

apparently it's okay if he's been coaxed into it, agal.

aGalChangedHerName · 03/08/2008 12:28

God no he says i get to spend lots of time with all the dc(am sahm) and it'd his treat lol

Seriously tho i need an OH that gives 50% along with me. I would hate to have to live with someone who had to be talked into doing playgroup run etc.

Lazy bastards IMHO

TheOriginalXENA · 03/08/2008 12:32

Are we talking playgroup i.e. drop them off or toddler group, stay and play...? Very different imo, wouldn't wish the second on anyone

TheOriginalXENA · 03/08/2008 12:32

Are we talking playgroup i.e. drop them off or toddler group, stay and play...? Very different imo, wouldn't wish the second on anyone

MrsJohnCusack · 03/08/2008 12:33

i could have written what Peppermint Patty did

lovely and kind my DH most certainly is, mind bendingly irritating in his messy absent-mindedness he is too. And wont drive which is a total pain in the arse.

I was really, properly, on the verge of taking myself to hospital, ill last week and on the worst day I had to ring him up and make him come homne - he didn't offer. From his job that he can do from EITHER OF OUR COMPUTERS AT HOME, he just goes to an office because he gets more down. Not because he's mean, but because he finds it very difficult to be flexible. grrrrrrrrrrr

aGalChangedHerName · 03/08/2008 12:35

Well my DH always does the nursery drop off and also does the once a month duty. I am usually working but as i CM i am more than happy for him to do it even if i am on a day off lol

kslatts · 03/08/2008 12:39

My dh takes dd's to school more often than I do as he works shifts and I work 8am - 4pm every day, I take them to most of their after school or weekend activities, but he is happy to do it if I have to work late and he's on an early shift. In fact one of the main reasons he changed his job was to spend more time with dd's and so that we could rely less on childcare. My dh has also gone on school trips on his rest days.

IMO we share the parental responsibility 50/50 and thats the way it should be, I can't see how that makes dh a sap.

I couldn't be married to someone who wasn't prepared to do anything with the dcs.

mrsruffallo · 03/08/2008 12:42

I think most spouses don't tell each other what to do do they?
My DH is very considerate and kind. If he was off work he would take the children out to give me a break, even if I wasn't ill.
I really don't like SM tone- I have a vision of them gleefully yelling 'don't tell me what to do!!' at each other

mrsruffallo · 03/08/2008 12:44

I agree that it seems vinous's problems with her DP aren't solely down to childcare either.

lucyellensmum · 03/08/2008 13:06

Im not actually sure if DP would take DD to playgroup if i were ill and he off work. I would probably say he wouldn't as it would be time for him to spend time with DD. I tended to take DD to playgroups to kill time to be fair and wouldnt dream of going if DP around. Much more fun things to do.

I do like to think DP thinks we are in it together although sometimes i think he doesnt realise how tough it is.

Do YOU enjoy a day out if it rains? Sometimes it can be hard work even in the sun.

Paying for parking? Hmmmm, we avoid car parks because it is actually more convenient to walk from a space in the street than piss around trying to find a parking space that we have to pay through the nose for. Parking around here is expensive.

Can you offset those MINOR gripes with things you like about him? I suspect you are pissed because:

You had a day out, it rained, he moaned, AND you had to walk back further to the car in the rain.

He sounds normal to me.

scottishmum007 · 03/08/2008 13:17

i agree lucyellensmum, it does sound like normal behaviour.
I'm not being contrary, i just have a different opinion to the majority regarding my previous posts. we don't have a 'conventional' relationship and I don't have anything against couples getting on together and working as a team. That's a really positive thing that you can always agree on things without much of a fuss, and I agree, it's good to share the childcare equally between both parents. We do share childcare but do it in a different way from most, that's all.
I'm not going out my way to offend others and where I think I have, I've already aplogised.
Let's just accept we have different POVsand live our lives differently.
My DH does pull his weight with or without my say so, he just does it in different ways (due to shiftwork) from the majority on this thread.

FrannyandZooey · 03/08/2008 13:17

shit my dp is out taking ds to a party
an outdoor party
its raining
I'm not even ill I just didn't feel like going

I'll be awfully sad to have to tell him he's a sap when he comes back

findtheriver · 03/08/2008 13:25

The OP reads as if marriage/partnership is some kind of lottery where some people get lucky and other people draw the short straw! For goodness sake, people aren't forced into relationships/marriage/parenthood! There is a choice here! Why partner and parent with someone who you aren't happy with, who doesnt share the same aspirations?
Of course no one is perfect (husband or wife!). We all have little niggles and things we'd like to change about our partner, but it truly astonishes me when people post about partners who they seem to really have nothing in common with! It almost sounds sometimes as though you may as well pluck the next man passing down the street and see how he shapes up as a partner! Come on, ladies - surely we have as much responsible for choosing our partners as they do in choosing us!!

mumfor1standmaybe2ndtime · 03/08/2008 13:28

I am now feeling lucky with dh as he takes ds to playschool twice a week while I am at work

scottishmum007 · 03/08/2008 13:29

findtheriver, you'll find that many couples are unhappy together but because of the children, they just carry on in their relationship. married or not. they get into a habit.
there's nothing wrong with complaining about your partner, no one is perfect as you pointd out. i enjoy having a moan about mine now and again, it's normal!! I know several other mums that do this, but we're not heading for divorce courts - yet! lol
and in some cases, after marriage, the real picture gets revealed about a person. they can show sides to themselves that you haven't seen before.

RuffleTheAnimal · 03/08/2008 13:31

i agree riverside.

although its not always that simple for people, what with psychological effects of odd parenting/low self esteem etc. cycles of abuse and all that. and unfortunately that sort of thing applies to a lot of people

but no, on the whole i agree with every word! choice is a fabulous thing!

findtheriver · 03/08/2008 13:38

Oh i agree scottishmum - I think it's often easier to remain with the status quo than be proactive and change a situation. I just wonder how much it impacts on children though, if parents are fundamentally unhappy together? I'm sure children pick up on the nuances in a relationship, and it can't be good for children to be living with tension between their parents.
Although there may be some people who change dramatically and show themselves in their true colours after marriage, Im not convinced we're talking huge numbers here. If a man and woman really spend time investing in their relationship and getting to know eachother as thoroughly as possible before diving into long term commitment, then in most cases you'll have a pretty good idea of what you're getting into. I think too many people have at least a hint of negative things about their prospective partner, but just ignore it, or even worse, think that they will be able to change them. I know a number of friends who have had quite significant difficulties in their relationship, and have actually chosen to get married,(including one colleague who moans incessantly about her partner being a lazy sod!) so you cant say they dont know what they are letting themselves in for.

mrsruffallo · 03/08/2008 13:40

I agree River. I can only conclude that some women are initially attracted to the kind of guy they think of as macho/uncomprimising and then complain when he doesn't change!

scottishmum007 · 03/08/2008 13:45

I don't know, my parents have nothing in common but they get along and I never felt I was being brought up in a tense atmosphere. I imagine there aer many more out there too, couples together married, but not really having a great deal in common.
I do see what you mean though, what's the point of spending so much time together, noticing flaws and then just diving into marriage and hoping for the best. does seem daft if you are on the outside looking in.

Swipe left for the next trending thread