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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect grandparents to want to spend some time with our dc's

21 replies

mumchie · 29/07/2008 17:38

The partenal Grandparents live quite a distance away and usually come to visit a few times a year which is lovely cos' they really are nice people.

BIL and family live about 10 miles down the road from us and here lies the problem!
PIL absolutely never want to stay with us and don't make any effort to come and see us, apart from dropping in for 1/2hr on their travels to and from there own home.

Ok, youre all probably saying 'face facts...they just hate you', but mil always complements us on our well behaved children and our comfortable, welcoming, relaxed home. Our dc are so much easier then theirs!!

In fact I know she has issues with the other dil being very controling and using them as child- minders and house cleaners.

As they are visiting at the moment (childminding BTW)we asked them to come and stay at weekend for nice meal and drinks ect, mil replyed "we'll come for diner but won't stay as DGD will want a story read from us in the morning"!!!!

What about my dc ffs!!!

Why complain about them and then come up with every excuse possible not see us.

sorry for ranting!

OP posts:

cornsilk · 29/07/2008 17:39

Maybe they feel other gc need them more if SIL is controlling.

goingslowlyroundthebend · 29/07/2008 17:44

The day I met my MIL she told me how much she wanted to be a grandparent. Fast forward nine years to the arrival of DS. She bothers very little. She will have him to stay occasionally but he needs to be quite independent! Doesn't stop her constantly banging on about why haven't I had another. I fell like howling 'but I have one you rarely see!'

deanychip · 29/07/2008 17:46

sympathies its a reoccuring thread is this one re grandparents lack of interest and support, its very common.
our parents are the same, not interested.
ds is the ils only grandchild, unless dh takes him to them....we never hear or see them.
my parents, its like ds is nothing to do with them, like he belongs to soem one else.

very very hurtful and upsetting but we have to just accept it im afraid.

deanychip · 29/07/2008 17:49

i could bore you silly with the stories of their disinterest but wont because it makes me want to cry.

Original poster

mumchie · 29/07/2008 17:55

It's the fact that they give so much of their time to the other gc and actually they are the only family we have here as all my family live abroad. My dc need them just as much and ds has started asking why gran and grandad always stay at bils.
It has gradually gotten worse and I'm desperatly thinking if there can be any reason.

OP posts:

Louise76 · 29/07/2008 19:21

YANBU

Sadly, we have a similar situation her with my FIL. My DH is an only child and FIL is literally his only living relative so our DD is his only grandchild.

He lives 10 mins walk away and sees dd about once a week for 5-10 mins. He always pops in unannounced saying something like "I was just passing" or "I'm on my way to xxx"

He's also made it clear that he doesn't want to be too involved by saying "I'm too old to learn about feeding and changing babies" which I took to mean "I don't really want much to do with my grand daughter"

DH and I find it hurtful and downright weird but there you go.

hifi · 29/07/2008 19:37

mil is the same, although i dont mind as her idea of parenting is brutal.

beanieb · 29/07/2008 19:41

How far away is 'quite a distance'? I only saw my grandparents once in five years between the age of 6 months and 5 years and only occasionally after that. If they are really far away I can understand it.

Far away for me would be anything over 60 or 70 miles TBH.

Original poster

mumchie · 29/07/2008 19:57

They live in the north we live in the south...but it's not about them not coming down - they do come down but only to see the other grandchildren who live down the road from us. If we didn't call round to B&SIL's house while they are down we probably wouldn't see them apart from their 1/2hr stop on their way down and their way home (a call to say hi and goodbye).

OP posts:

pucca · 29/07/2008 20:02

Do not get me started on grandparents... seriously!

Original poster

mumchie · 29/07/2008 20:04

I'm always trying to organise them coming round for a couple of nights but it never happens....I think I'll just stop asking...
but then dh wouldn't want that either.

OP posts:

oilandwater · 29/07/2008 21:13

I totally sympathise. My in-laws seem to have no interest in getting to know my ds. They have obvious favorite grandchildren and mine isn't one of them. Countless times I have invited them over to spend time with ds and have also, countless times, offered to bring ds to them - whether for a day, and afternoon, lunch 20 minutes, whatever is convenient for them. It all falls on deaf ears -- it's as if I've never offered at all. It really annoys me but I can't imagine how it makes my dh feel.

I don't know of anything I, or you, can do to change the situation. Something that helps me though is that ds is close to several other older relatives and older neighbors, so hopefully he gets out of those relationships that which he will probably not get from his relationship with his own grandparents.

beanieb · 29/07/2008 21:15

So they favour your husband's children over his brother's... seems quite odd.

Sleepdeprived72 · 29/07/2008 21:34

You may want to quiz what they were like as parents themselves. I raised this with my DH about his parents lack of interest. His answer was "they weren't really that interested in their own children so why should I be shocked that they aren't interested in mine".Sounds a very bitter comment to make but he has a very realistic view of his parents and dispite his views has a good relationship with them. Not that I suppose this helps with the favouritism angle - sorry

Original poster

mumchie · 29/07/2008 21:45

beanieb - yes always saying how well behaved our children are compared to the other gc, they really are very spoilt having ALL the latest toys, gadgets, everything. In conversation you would think that ours are favoured but there's no affection or willingness to spend time with them....I don't understand it, very weird.

OP posts:

ILikeYourSleeves · 29/07/2008 21:46

I know EXACTLY how you feel. We have the same problem with both GP's. DH is particularly peed off with his parents just now as they have practically brought up GC#1 (DH's sisters son), they see him literally every single day, take him to his clubs, to school etc (he is 7) and they continue to see him all the time even though they now have 3 other grandkids. Our DS is GC#4. They never see GC#2&3 (DH's brothers kids) as they admit they don't like their son (mmm nice) so therefore they don't see his children. They do like my DH but I think because he doesn't ask for help (like his sister does) we don't get much input. We also don't like to ask because we feel they have done their bit with GC#1. My DH ran into his nephew (GC#1) last week who told him all the nice things he was doing with grandpa that day and DH was really hurt that they haven't even seem our DS for weeks. We all live within a 10 mile radius so it's not like we're miles away!

Then there's my parents! They live slightly further away (about 30 miles away) but never come over unless I specifically ask. I have to drive all the way over there every few weeks but feel they just don't reciprocate it. They never call to ask how DS is etc. They have also only ever bought him one small canvas book in his whole life which I think is weird, I would have thought that being their 1st GC they would want to spoil him at least a little!

Hmph.

Original poster

mumchie · 29/07/2008 21:48

Perhaps it's me!!!! Maybe I'm the dredded DIL!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

mumchie · 29/07/2008 21:53

It probably is unreasonable to expect them to like them all the same...but surely they could pretend a bit - afterall it's only a few times a year!!

OP posts:

Louise76 · 30/07/2008 10:21

Good point sleepdeprived72 - My DH does not have a good relationship with his dad and he says he does not remember him ever really doing much with him when he was young. His granny lived in the house with them when he was young and I think my FIL just thought that looking after children was women's work! I had really hoped that us having dd would help bring my FIL and DH closer together but their relationship is now more strained than ever which I think is very sad.

My own parents are brilliant with DD and are just how I thought all GPs would be - they often phone to ask how she is, buy her little pressies and most importantly make time to see her, help out when they are here and offer to babysit.

cikecaka · 02/08/2008 08:36

Morning. MIL has minded my DC once in the last 10 yrs. (For an hour) Always running to collect SILs DC, only that we called every sunday DC would never see them. If we miss there is never a phone call or a visit to us to see them.Have begun to accept that my DC will never ever be in the same leauge. Feel sorry for them as my own DM is mid 70s and not able to mind.

noonki · 02/08/2008 09:39

If it makes anyone feel any better - I was a 'ignored' grandchild -

my cousin was the golden boy who was a real bully to me,

I used to think my grandparents lived miles away in fact it was a 40 minute drive, but they only saw us at xmas and easter when all of the family were there

I can say hand on heart it didn't affect me in the slightest, my gps were never horrible just not very interested

but my parents were the only important ones to me, and so I was lucky as they were great

completely their loss -

so don't worry to much about your DCs.

on the otherhand my FIL has only seen only last DS once because we took him there and shows NO interest - really upsets my DH so understand for us as parents it is upsetting as it feels like a rejection of the most important part of our lives, and brings back old sibling rivalries

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