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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in wanting my MIL to stop buying new toys for my ds ALL THE TIME?

20 replies

RebelMum72 · 28/07/2008 13:49

Literally, every single time we go round there (I try and make sure she sees ds once a week), she's bought him new stuff.
At first, it was nice so that he had stuff to play with at her house, but now it's just getting ridiculous. Ds walks into what is beginning to resemble Santa's Grotto at Hamleys and starts playing with something, and she jumps up, snatches it out of his hands and pushes something new at him. He then starts playing with that, at which point she snatches that away and waves another new toy at him. Poor thing doesn't even get a chance to play with anything.

I've explained to her that I don't really want him getting big presents for no reason other than birthdays/christmas. Even though ds is too young to understand them as "presents", I really don't want him to get used to the idea that EVERY TIME he goes to Grandmas, there are loads of huge new toys there.

AIBU? Is she just being a loving grandparent? I think it's such a waste of money too, as my ds is usually most interested in playing with keys and light-switches

OP posts:

bunchoflowers · 28/07/2008 13:56

Just let them spoil him and don't stress out about it. You've probably got enough to worry about!!

flipflopper · 28/07/2008 14:00

You have to nip it in the bud now, or she will carry on doing it.
My mil used to do this and my dd started saying say 'what have you bought me?' to her so we ha to tell her to stop doing it in the end.
Its just a complete waste of money that would be better earning them some interest in a savings account

jojosmaman · 28/07/2008 14:03

No YANBU!! I could have written this same post except my MIL was bringing pressies round for ds about two or three times a week! For me it is about waste, we have huge amounts of toys that ds is not interested in which is a waste of money and space and not to mention the environmental aspect! DP had a word with her about it but knowing she is very touchy he has approached it from the angle of "we don't want him just thinking of you as 'toys' rather than wanting to spend quality time with you" which seems to have worked!

Good luck!

WinkyWinkola · 28/07/2008 14:04

She's being sweet but completely OTT.

It's not really of benefit to him to get new toys all the time.

It'll totally take the shine of his birthdays and Christmas.

Why don't you ask her to put the £ she's spending on toys for him into a special savings account for his university or a deposit on a house when he's older? He'd really appreciate that when the time comes.

But remember, she's being kind.

WinkyWinkola · 28/07/2008 14:04

She's being sweet but completely OTT.

It's not really of benefit to him to get new toys all the time.

It'll totally take the shine off his birthdays and Christmas.

But remember, she's being kind.

combustiblelemon · 28/07/2008 14:12

Could you go out with her instead? Maybe to a park or somewhere that you could feed the ducks? Something that would let her spend time with your Ds having fun, and let her see that a stick or a duck is just as entertaining for him.

overthemill · 28/07/2008 14:13

agree, kind but misguided. definitely try other ways of harnessing her kind motives - what about babysitting?

nooname · 28/07/2008 14:18

If she's reasonable enough to listen to you (my mum (don't have a mil) certainly isn't!!) then I would explain clearly that actually too many toys is not good for children. Research shows they do not concentrate or play as well if they have too many toys.
Tell her she will be damaging his development!!!

Suggest other ways for her to show her love for your ds - eg taking him to the park, doing activities with him etc.

AbbeyA · 28/07/2008 14:19

I think the savings account is a really good idea.

theonlyfemale · 28/07/2008 14:22

My mum does this ALL the time. I cant go into town without my ds wanting, begging, throwing a huge crying tantrum for a toy!

Have tried to talk to her nut all i get is "i like to treat him"

WinkyWinkola · 28/07/2008 14:32

Yes, but a treat is meant to be a rare thing otherwise it's not a treat.

Original poster

RebelMum72 · 29/07/2008 13:01

I know she's just being kind and wants to spoil ds, but it's really just too much. She now wants to buy him the whole Thomas the Tank Engine set complete with tracks and whatnot - apart from the fact that ds at 17 months just doesn't play with trains in that way yet, she's ruining what would be a FANTASTIC present at the right time (plus I think it would be a nice thing to collect one by one, rather than just getting all of them in one go).
She does have a rather materialistic attitude, thinking that you have to give things to prove you like/love someone, and I am trying to show her that really she just has to sit on the floor with ds chatting to him while he waves his toy-of-choice around (usually something utterly banal like a wooden spoon) for him to be delighted. He really appreciates the attention more than anything else.
I like the idea of the account, but I don't think she'd go for that as there is no "wow" factor ie she can't present him with anything and she likes to make a bit of a show, IYSWIM.
Am relieved I didn't get lots of replies telling me I'm an ungrateful so-and-so

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 29/07/2008 13:07

Hmm tricky one, maybe try having a word with her and tell her your concerned that she may be wasting her money as your ds really likes to play with keys, or maybe suggest she spend the money on a nice outfit as he grows out of his little clothes so quickly

DaphneMoon · 29/07/2008 13:21

My MIL does this all the time. It is usually crap stuff too. Now when I take my DS anywhere he expects to get something. I remind him regularly that I am not grandma and don't jump when he shouts!

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 29/07/2008 13:28

I went for a similar approach to jojosmaman.

Told her that as gc grow up I don't want them to see her as a walking toy dispenser.
But as someone who makes them laugh, tells them stories, takes them to the park. buys them ice cream.

Worked like a charm.

ILikeYourSleeves · 29/07/2008 13:45

I think you should try to get her to stop now otherwise your DS won't have a clue what 'presents & treats' really mean. My DH's nephew is now 7 years old, is bought presents just because it happens to be Tuesday or something, and now he comes across as really spoiled and feels he is entitled to anything. eg comes to our house and if he likes something says 'can I have that?' and even once when I said 'no it's not yours' he tried to sneak off with it! At his 4th b/day party too he opened his presents and said 'oh it's just an X,Y or Z' with absolutely no enthusiasm in his voice because he probably had them anyway and they didn't seem exciting like presents should.

I'm ranting a bit but his behaviour has made me think that my DS (when he gets to the age of understanding the presents thing) will only get presents on b/days, Xmas and when they are really deserved. Not just cos he happens to want one or cos it's sunny that day LOL.

So YANBU at all, your MIL is just trying to be kind but maybe you need to talk to her about it!

TheCrackFox · 29/07/2008 14:01

She sounds like my mum. DS1 is 7 and unfortunatley she still goes overboard with the pressies.

YANBU - but if she is anything like my mum she will just ignore you and carry on with the madness.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 29/07/2008 14:10

hello TheCrackFox

Loving your name, that was my favourite boosh ever.

Original poster

RebelMum72 · 29/07/2008 14:20

Yes, I'm worried about what will happen when he realises that these are presents and that he's getting something new every time, and begins to expect it.

I actually don't think that a 17 month old needs very much in the way of Big Expensive and Usually Plastic Toys, particularly my ds who really is delighted to play with Stuff He Finds Around The House (will often choose this over his toys, in fact). (As I write, he has opened the cupboard we keep the plates and stuff in, and is happily bringing me the eggcups one by one ) He's a "graduate" of the Treasure Basket School of play, which I'm sure has had an effect on him and the sorts of things he plays with, and we also attend a Montessori playgroup which he absolutely loves.

OP posts:

naturalblonde · 29/07/2008 20:44

I've got the same problem with my mum.

Every week there's a new toy. We actually had a big row about it this week, as my dd likes this ride-on car thing, mentioned it to my mum, saying we'd get her one for her birthday (in 6 weeks). Thn find out my mum has bought her one to keep at her house. But (accoring to dm) apparently it's ok, cos it's second hand, and we can still get her one to keep at our house. I honestly think buying big presents like that, esp just before her birthday is just gonna lead to her being spoilt, and expecting presents every time she's there, so thought I'd better put my foot down now.

Anyway, discussed it with dh, and we came up with a compromise, she can give the car as a birthday present, but she won't as it's not brand new so she'll give it to someone else.

Flip