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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to dislike my best friends child?

12 replies

barnsleybelle · 27/07/2008 15:27

I have been best friends with S for 20 years. We spent 5 years where we saw little of each other cos i lived overseas, but we still kept in frequest contact.

I returned to the UK to live 2 years ago and in the time i was away she had a son.
He is now almost 4 and i simply can't take to him at all. He is a real handful and very boisterous. I have a 6yr ds and 11 month dd. My 6yr old has always been a quiet boy so i accept her sons behaviour is alien to me but not necessarily a bad thing. My son never wants to visit them due to her boys behaviour. (i never talk negatively about her son to my ds).
The thing is, S adores my new dd and is always visiting (which i think is very kind). Her son clonks my baby on the head and snatches things away from her all the time. The problem i have is that s tells him in such a mamby pamby way that he thinks its funny and carries on until she leaves. He jumps on all my furniture and is really over thee top.
I love s as if she were my sister and she is a great support to me and clearly loves my dd.

What would you do?

OP posts:

crazymummy84 · 27/07/2008 16:51

WHat does your friend do when her son is behaving like this?

cornsilk · 27/07/2008 16:55

Tell him not to.

mumblechum · 27/07/2008 16:56

See her without the children. I've had this situ before and just arranged to meet her for a meal or drink by herself.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 27/07/2008 17:04

send your friends ds around here. my dd would give him a run for his money! no one can sofa dive and toy snatch the way she can!

what does your friend do to try and stop him? if her ds is anything like my dd she is probably aware of how hyper he is and struggles to control him. maybe a quick word with her about how you love her and her ds but you are worried about him accidentaily hurting the baby and untill she is older it might be better to meet at a park or something where her ds can run around to his hearts content?

and a quick tip for your friend if you feel you are close enough to give her advise on it? my dd1 is a montserous child at times and i fail to believe that any ones child can have more energy than she does and her tantrums last days not just hours but she will behave better if public if she knows exactly what is expected of her and what her reward/punishment will be

if i was bringing my dd to see your baby the chat we would have before hand would go along the lines of...

"we are going to see x's baby today. babies can break very easily you know so you need to be really really carefull, you cant bounce about like you normally do because you might accidentaily hurt the baby and we dont want that do we? x will be tired too and the baby might want to sleep so can you try and be quiet while we are there and sit play this game with x's ds nicely? if you can do that for me and be really really good and quiet then on the way home i will let you buy a dr who magazine, but if you are naughty while we are there we will come straight home and you will have to sit in your room to think about how upset mummy gets when you dont do what she asks"

Original poster

barnsleybelle · 27/07/2008 17:41

she kind of says "now thats not very nice to baby f is it, that's not acceptable behaviour". it's not said with any kind of tone that implies she's cross though.

i adore my friend but am so desperately worried that if i say anything it may jeopardise or shift our friendship in any way.

the problem is, is that she just turns up so it's hard to avoid really.

best about it is, the last time dh was at home we had a bbq and he just said right out "L, if you smack the baby one more time, you are out a here". It worked, but S never commented.

OP posts:

Pheebe · 27/07/2008 17:50

If it were me I would intervene myself. its your house YOU set the boundaries. If he clonks the baby, tell him to stop or go play in another room. If he climbs on the furniture, tell him to get down. Use distraction techniques rather than tell him off though - make it clear its not acceptable but hey come on lets play this game instead.

If you and your friend are as close as you say there won't be a problem and it may even open up a conversation between you. I really wouldn't talk to your friend directly about it as it can only come across as critical of her parenting however tactful you try to be.

Do make sure you plan ahead for her visits, get the garden ready for lots of outdoor play or a bunch of toys out for him to play with independently. Hopefully that will make it easier all round.

Miaou · 27/07/2008 17:51

Then that's the way forward barnsleybelle. If he misbehaves, you tell him off. "It is not acceptable to jump on furniture/hit the baby, do not do it again or I will ask you to sit down and do nothing for 5 minutes" (ie, equivalent of naughty spot but not too obvious).

Thing is, what is happening now is already jeopardising your friendship anyway. You have to take the lead I think.

Original poster

barnsleybelle · 27/07/2008 18:27

Thanks for your very helpful comments and suggestions. She has just left actually!!! He was a total nightmare but guess who stepped in.............. MY ds!!! L was running round with a book and whacked dd on the head with it. Ds sped over and said "hey, don't hit my sister, your bigger than her and if you do it again, i might just hit you too and see how you like it".

I was so proud i was choked!!!!

S just said, "what a kind big brother you are", but never said anything to L!!!!!

Wish i was more like dh. Think your all right though and i have to sort this. I won't speak directly to S as i really can't risk offending her. She's not a bad person by any extremes, i just don't think she sees any bad in L.

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 27/07/2008 18:44

aww what a star to protect his little sister like that, no wonder you were choked!

However I really think you should feel quite justified in over-coming your reluctance to say anything. Hitting a baby on the head with a book is not to be allowed, clearly and if his mum doesn't speak up then as the other adult in the room it IS ok for you to go up to him and take the book away and tell him no, we don't hit babies.

Just do it. Your friend is clearly not going to. And TBH if she is offended and it affects your friendship, then that IMO is less important than your own kids knowing that you will speak up for them and stick up for them.

ScummyMummy · 27/07/2008 18:48

Oh how sweet of your son. Hope the situation calms down soon as you must love your friend a lot to take so much trouble not to offend her. She's lucky to have such a good friend.

Original poster

barnsleybelle · 27/07/2008 19:28

Thanks. Honoria, I've just responded to you on another thread! You are absolutely right and i never thought of it that way. standing up for my children is far more important than offeding my friend. And yes, if she gets so offended that it spoils our friendship then maybe i was wrong about the extent of it anyway.

scummy, thanks for your comment. S is in all fairness to her a wonderful friend too. My dh works away for very long periods and has always been a massive support to me both physically and emotionally. When my dd was first born and dh unable to get home she was my complete rock. I love her so much, just don't like her son!!!!!!

OP posts:

scottishmum007 · 27/07/2008 19:33

never mind what your best friend thinks, you should be telling her son off when he's at your house. i personally would appreciate the help if i were in her shoes! it's hard work having a boisterous child ( i have one myself and I am v glad for others to step in and help me when i'm struggling with him!!).
you shouldn't stand for his nonsense and tell him off yourself.

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