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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL let my newborn gum her breast AAAARRRRGHHH

101 replies

knockedup · 24/07/2008 15:30

Gave birth 2 weeks ago. Outlaws have been here for a week "helping me"....yeah right (last night I put DD1 to bed, had to stop reading her stories to go check the dinner I was making...ran back up stairs, finally got DD down, ran back down served up dinner to M&FIL who were sat in front of corrie, DH out with work!! MIL hasn't stopped holding baby since being here...I'm starving, just about to eat my dinner and MIL is like 'think she's hungry look she's been trying to get milk from me' hee hee hee and when I looked there was a big damp patch on MIL's top where her nipple is

So I take baby upstairs to feed her absolutely spitting under my breath about MIL's step too far.

Then coming back downstairs to my cold dinner MIL snatches baby out of my arms before I'm even off the stairs and then that's her snuggled up on the sofa with baby until I had to ask to have her back to try and put her to bed

I feel like I'm living in LITTLE BRITAIN right now!!!

I've had to ask her a few times to put baby down as I don't want her held morning to night all day. She snaps back that 'you can't spoil babies with love' - No? well it wasn't as easy as it has been to settle her last night in her moses basket. She's probably thinking 'where's my constant cuddling?'

DH came in about 12pm stinking of beer. I'd gone to bed, he sat up with the outlaws for a bit then when he finally came up and got into bed I kicked him in the shins and hissed at him that his mother is a freaking psycho and she is NEVER staying here for over a week ever again. AIBU?

OP posts:
ilovemydog · 25/07/2008 10:15

This is your time with the baby...

If your MIL isn't even helping with practical stuff, then they are guests!

bohemianbint · 25/07/2008 10:20

Good god, damp patches aside - GET THEM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!!

What the hell is wrong with some people, do they not remember what it's like to have a new baby? Don't lift another finger to do anything for them.

Flibbertyjibbet · 25/07/2008 10:26

Our two babies both used to try and suckle their dad's nose whenever his face was near.
I was once feeding 5m ds2 at the inlaws. When he finished I went back to the table... to find it had all been cleared off, my meal in the bin and her washing up. She said 'oh I thought you didn't want it'.
So at least your dinner was there albeit cold (sorry I'm trying to look for the positive points )

Mine are also of the 'we came to see the baby not you' variety who want to take over the baby and be waited on. Even 10 days after I had a section!

No one should have anyone staying for a week so soon after having a new baby. So you need to get DP to stay home and get shut of them.

But all the mw's and hv's I ever met said you can't spoil a baby with too much cuddles and physical contact, so I have to agree with your MIL on that one.

luvaduck · 25/07/2008 10:26

outrageous i am livid reading this (more about their laziness)
second above post - this is your time with your baby
i love my parents and in laws dearly - but regret the fact that they were around too much in the first week so i didn't get as much baby holding time as he was passed around so much

i think you should have a frank chat - i've just had a baby, if you want to help you can do housework, make dinner etc, or it might be better if you leave as you are actually making work for me. but most importantly make sure you get the time you want with your new baby

congratulations btw

slim22 · 25/07/2008 10:33

Good.

Just stay in bed until they leave.
Let DH entertain DD.

Be selfish.

bohemianbint · 25/07/2008 10:35

We got descended on by millions of people for 3 whole days after I had DS and it really affected me, not so much at the time, but afterwards, when the dust settled and I realised no one had given us a second thought and all that bonding/resting time was taken away from us.

This thread has strengthened my resolve to make sure the same thing doesn't happen to us this time!

1dilemma · 25/07/2008 10:37

Are you my SIL?

I have made it as clear as I can to my husband that he is to be home on time when his parents are staying, he would be homeless if he went to pub after work and left me waiting on them as per usual.

SO FWIW tell him to get home on time and start doing some of the work

lazaroulovesleggings · 25/07/2008 10:38

"I kicked him in the shins and hissed at him that his mother is a freaking psycho and she is NEVER staying here for over a week ever again"

PMSL!

Upwind · 25/07/2008 10:38

I think I have learned from your experience - my parents and PIL are going to be told over and over that

  • we won't have them staying with us soon after this baby is born
  • if they choose to come anyway and stay in a nearby b&b (my parents will certainly do that) they must give us space.

I think a conversation needs to be had with them as soon as possible or you risk permanently straining your relationship. Best of luck!

Twiglett · 25/07/2008 10:42

FGS woman

sit down on the sofa with your baby and ask your in-laws to do various stuff

"Oh MIL can you just make some dinner.. the food is over there"

"OH PIL would you mind straightening out that mess please"

"Oh it's so nice for you to be here and helpful"

"Oh MIL could you make us all some tea"

Martyrs get martyrdom

oh and by the way

"Dear DH don't you bloody dare do that again, I need you here and your child needs you here."
and the suckling has been well-covered

Tortington · 25/07/2008 10:44

yor dh is clearly a twat

hotpasty · 25/07/2008 10:48

Hope the staying in bed plan is working! This brought back how livid I was with my MIL after she came up to "help" when my DS was born. She spent the whole time holding the baby and I felt really resentful. I had a quite demanding 19 month old DD and I would have loved for MIL to take over with her a little whilst I spent time enjoying the baby. Instead, if we went to DD's playgroup she sat with the baby showing him off to admirers while I dragged myself round after DD. I could hardly walk. In the end I asked her not to hold him too much as I knew that when she left he would have to get used to being put down for periods because I would be dealing with DD. I think it's to do with the DIL/MIL relationship. My Mum was so different - looked after DD while I gave birth, took her out for walks, went shoppping, made dinners. I didn't have to ask - she just saw what needed doing. It may be irrational but I felt MIL was trying to "get" my baby and I wanted him! I still haven't forgiven her although I'm sure she felt she was doing me a favour!

wheresthehamster · 25/07/2008 10:58

Some people aren't intuitive I know I'm not. They need to be told what to do. Everything that Twiglett said really.

Zebraa · 25/07/2008 11:02

You are being VERY REASONABLE! This quite disturbed me! This is YOUR time with YOUR baby. There is help and there is taking control. You absolutely need to put your foot firmly down and tell her (or your husband to tell her) that she is not welcome and visits now and then are all you will accept.

Original poster
knockedup · 25/07/2008 11:02

Think I'm the twat really!! I said DH could go to the pub and I agreed that In-laws could come and stay....do I want a place heaven or what!!!

Honestly thought it wouldn't turn out this bad though! I've got 4 people to look after instead of 2 older people looking after me and the kids! Yes, learn from my mistakes people!! Never again!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 25/07/2008 11:18

I wouldn't even let my own parents come the first week

ErnestTheBavarian · 25/07/2008 11:18

ok, you need to stop feeling agrieved at how much you're doing and stop doing it. Feeling martyred and pissed off will only exacerbate the situation.

Say you're going up to bath/feed the baby, and ask them to get lunch/dinner ready. Say you're tired and need a nap & ask them to take dd1 to playground/go shopping/do some ironing. Tell dh he can't go to pub.

As long as you put up with it, it will continue. They probably sense you're pissed off but don't understand why/what they should do. Some people just need clear requests and instructions.

I think YABU, tho I understand why. No need for tears or demands to leave. Ask them to do stuff and take to your bed with baby.

bethoo · 25/07/2008 11:30

i understand hwere you are coming from therefore think YANBU! my mum even now takes over and will nto even let me hold my own son when she is around. when he was a newborn and he was screaming for a feed she still would not hand him over!

zwiggy · 25/07/2008 11:34

Why had your dh been out at the pub, doesn't he like his own parents? MIL seems a bit insensitive, nay Freakin psycho. What a nuisance for you

Tortington · 25/07/2008 12:05

agreed your definatley the twat

EBenes · 25/07/2008 12:20

I went on some other baby site at exactly the same stage with exactly the same question when I'd just given birth, and was a bit annoyed to be told that you can't hold babies too much and I was probably worrying a bit too much. I think often PILs are wary of doing stuff in their DIL's house - mine are, it's not that they're lazy. Cooking dinner for them is out of order, though - your husband should DEFINITELY be doing that. And I know how hard it is when your MIL is holding your baby constantly, and I think so many MILs do do that. But no, it probably won't make your baby unsettled. But you need to get your dh to gently steer your mil away from all of this, to give you constant support - because is so hard for you! - and to get his arse back home and into the kitchen.

colacubes · 25/07/2008 12:33

MIL should be helping you! You should be sat cuddling, stop doing everything now, sit down, hold baby and let it all go to pot, or let her take over the house and you relax. Either way drop everything thats not necessary, and let them all get on with it.

NO dinners, hoovering, bath cleaning, laundry, if they want it or need it let them get it. Go get your beautiful bundle and enjoy the sunny day.

ruty · 25/07/2008 13:01

as someone else said once baby started rooting MIL should have brought him up to you, told you to sit down and feed him and done some chores for you. Grrrr. Start delegating immediately!

nappyaddict · 30/07/2008 13:35

i think YABU. i thought you meant she'd actaully got her breast out for her. And babies can't be spoiled.

2cats2many · 30/07/2008 13:37

Yikers!! I'd be freaked out. YANBU at all!