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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Strange neighbour!

107 replies

emmared1980 · 23/07/2008 20:17

Hi, just wondering what you all think, I've 4 children ages 6,5,2 and 9months we live in a semi detached house with lovely neighbours on one side. But... on the other side of us (detached) we've got a lady in her 70's who is ok but slightly odd. She says hello but that's about it. The problem is she has been taking photos and videoing my children when they've been playing in the garden whilst sort of hideing behind the hedge!!! It happened a couple of weeks ago while the 2 older children were playing, in the end I made them come inside as I wasn't really sure what to do! The 3 older children have been out playing again today and tonight while they were having a bath my 5year old daughter said that she had been taking photos of her again. I had told them after the first time that if they see her again they have to come and tell me, she didn't and I think that's because she thought she'd have to come in again as that is what happened last time. I thought it was very odd, my husband and mother thought maybe she was lonely but something makes me feel very uncomfortable about it. I'm just wondering what would you do if you were me??? As they are on school holidays they will be out in the garden alot and I don't want her creeping about taking pics/videoing them. Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 26/07/2008 20:44

You were right to ask her to stop if it made you uncomfortable, but to say 'dementia or no dementia my politness will go out the window', isn't very tolerant. The point people are trying to make is she won't know any different or she might not remember you even speaking to her. My neighbour had first stage dementia and used to walk up and down the street naked.

jenwa · 26/07/2008 20:48

I think you did the right thing. At least she is aware that you are aware whats happened and if she does it again you know it is NOT ok as you have asked her politely not to take pics of your children. I would feel very uncomfortable (no matter sex or age of person)

Maybe she will talk to you some more now (summer hols etc and being in garden) she may actually explain what she was doing but if she is still lurking about I would feel very uncomfortable.

BouncingTurtle · 26/07/2008 21:09

Can't help but think that if this was man taking photos that the whole conversation would have a different tone.
Does she have any family who visits - adult children perhaps?
I would still have asked her why she felt the need to photograph your children - but I might also invite her around for a cuppa.

Squirdle · 26/07/2008 21:17

Coco, I don't think Emma actually said that to the lady...she is just making it clear to us that she won't put up with it again.

I think you have done the right thing. It doesn't matter what reason she had for taking pictures of your children, you were uncomfortable with it (as I would be) and so you have every right to ask her to stop.

cocolepew · 26/07/2008 21:19

I know she didn't say it to her, but what is she planning on doing when her 'politness goes out the window'?

zwiggy · 26/07/2008 21:22

you must go and tell her to stop

chefswife · 26/07/2008 21:30

poor old lady my ass. she doesn't have dementia or anything because she is lurking around, secretly taking photos and stopped and went inside after taking one more after the children confronted her. when emma asked her the next day, she hid the camera, openly lied that she'd only taken one and said 'that is when they are the most natural'. although it's rare, woman can be pedophiles as well and this woman clearly knows, but virtue of the way she taking these photos, that she is doing something wrong.

it's important that the children know that they are not the one's getting into trouble when they come to tell you that she is taking photos of them again, even if they have to come inside. you've made it known that you do not like her taking photos of the children in the privacy of you yard and if you or the children see her doing again, phone for the community police and every time after that.

if it was a man, no one would have qualms about ringing authorities.

chefswife · 26/07/2008 21:32

suppose to be 'by virtue'.

emmared1980 · 26/07/2008 21:34

Well I'm not planning on knocking her door down shouting and screaming with a baseball bat!!! But if it happens again after I've made it perfectly clear that I do not want her taking photos of MY children in MY garden I will contact the police.

OP posts:
emmared1980 · 26/07/2008 21:36

Thanks chefswife. X

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 26/07/2008 22:35

Keep us informed, emmared.

beeny · 26/07/2008 22:40

I think you handled it very well.Behaviour is freaky she sounds like the old lady in Rosemarys baby

lucyellensmum · 26/07/2008 23:14

Maybe she is a photographer and thought that the children made lovely subjects? playing naturally in their own garden? But then if that were the case i would have thought she would ask. I don't know what to think tbh. Perhaps she is a lonely old lady with no family and is wanting family pictures? It is a bit weird. I feel a bit sorry for the old dear, but i wouldn't like it if it were my children and i have to say, i think i would have done what the OP did. Might be worth the OP checking up and seeing if this person has any family etc, maybe she is in need of some support, so might be worth talking to someone about it, but who?

ThatBigGermanPrison · 27/07/2008 09:23

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple

with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired

and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

and run my stick along the public railings

and make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

and pick the flowers in other people's gardens

and learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

and eat three pounds of sausages at a go

or only bread and pickles for a week

and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

and pay our rent and not swear in the street

and set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Freckle · 27/07/2008 09:41

How long have you lived there? Did the previous owners have children? You might be able to speak to them and see if there is any history to this.

I would in any event have a word with the local police, not to make an official complaint (yet) but to register your concern. Who knows, maybe she has done it to others?

maidamess · 27/07/2008 09:48

Telling the police? Asking a community support worker to go round? Are you nuts? Em1980 handled it in completely the right way.

Freckle · 27/07/2008 10:26

No I'm not nuts, thanks. I don't think throwing around personal insults helps.

I just think speaking to the police might throw up more than the OP currently knows. I did say not to register an official complaint. The neighbour has been sneaking around and then lying about what she is doing. She may have done it to others, with an innocent or suspicious motive. What harm can speaking to the police do?

wotulookinat · 27/07/2008 11:17

I think you can't be too careful, and better safe than sorry.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 27/07/2008 15:53

Actually, I challenge that statement. I think you can be too careful. You can set up unhealthy fears in the minds of your children, you can cosset them to the point where you are impeding their physical, social and emotional development, you can cause huge resentment that they have no freedom ... not saying the op is doing this, but yes, you can be too careful.

There is a fine line between careful and fearful.

wotulookinat · 27/07/2008 15:59

Personally I wouldn't let the kids know - I would keep it between the adults.
But I think in the case of someone sneakily taking photos you have to be careful.

pebblesonbeach · 27/07/2008 16:34

I heart thatbiggermanprison

emmared1980 · 27/07/2008 19:37

I have told the children that if she is out with her camera again that they must come and tell me. They have asked why she is taking photos and I've just told them that I don't know and she is not allowed to. They then asked why she wasn't allowed to and I told them she is not in our family she's not allowed. This was the the most simple thing to tell them at the time. They aren't frightened of her and carried on playing as normal each time they've seen her. I'm not an over protective mother at all, but I also think better safe than sorry. Taking photos once of them playing maybe, but taking photos on the sly 4/5 times is not on.

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 27/07/2008 19:47

I agree with you, Emmared.

sunnytimes · 27/07/2008 19:52

Message withdrawn

bergentulip · 28/07/2008 18:06

Both times I have been to the Far East 100s upon 100s of complete strangers have taken pictures of our chubby, blonde ( I presume cute[!]) children. Some asked, some did not.
And on occassions an entire family has wandered over to where we are and the lot of them have asked to have their photo taken with us(!)

COming from Northern Europe, it seems bizarre and weird and, quite frankly, nuts. BUT, it is not nuts, it is genuine interest, curiosity, friendliness, and a way of them saying hello, and 'I think you have cute children'.

And these are not toothless, senile old women, it's your everyday average citizen.

It needn't make one uncomfortable to have their children photographed, especially in the way sunnytimes described.
It can get irritating, tiresome, whatever, but in those instances you can just let it pass as a cultural norm you have to get used to.
I personally take it as a compliment that my children are worthy of being photographed.

That said, old lady in bushes sounds a bit crazy. But, I don't think I'd immediately be freaking out!!
May seem a completely pointless thing I just said and entirely unrelated, but I'm just using my own experiences in this instance to balance out all this hysteria of taking photos of others' children uninvited.....