To NEVER EVER speak to my sister or her H again?Everyone come and have a say, It's very long but I'd REALLY appreciate help with this, it's life changing.

[mumblesmummy]

I've moaned about her on here before. This is long.

Her H has had endless amounts of money out of my parents and he's ungrateful, horrible, and has pretty much destroyed the family- and her, really, as he is obviously one of those men who conduct emotional and mental domestic violence.

I met my DP 16 months ago. We hit it off straight away, we're both very, very happy together, we settled each other down and I got on REALLY well with his family. So, as I absolutely adored my family and was so proud of them, I asked him to meet them.

We took along his Godson (who's mum died when he was 5 weeks old). He'd have been about 6 months old and he is a very beautiful, happy, smiley, charming baby with huge eyes. You can't help but love him. Mum and dad loved him to bits. But my sister and her H were distant with my DP from the start. They seemed to HATE that it was serious. I didn't really understand why.

DP and I went on holiday together, and got engaged. Soon after, I became pregnant. Fortunately for us, we're very suited and perfect together, so it's worked out well. DP had tried for a baby for a few years with an ex and she hadn't got pregnant. She told him that it was his fault and he was convinced he couldn't have children, as were his family. So everyone was absolutely overjoyed. My mum and dad and brother were extatic. However, mum seemed terrified, and so she told us that my sister had been trying for a baby for 7 years and was going through IVF.

However, my sister desperately did not want me to know this. So I had to pretend I didn't know, and ring and tell her I was pregnant. She cried on the phone and was horrible to me. But I understood why, so I was just nice.

Her and her H wouldn't speak to me or DP for 3 months. They invited family and friends to their's but left us out. They called my mums to check we were out before they came over. We were living with my parents at this time, as we were having problems with our rented house and couldn't stay there for a couple of months. This made things even harder.

I became so stressed out with it all that I was on edge constantly. I got high blood pressure and one day had a row with dad which resulted in him not speaking to me either for a good few weeks. We were living under the same roof. I apologised and we got back to normal, and one night he came to pick me up from college and said he was taking me and DP to my sister's as she wanted to see us.

I knew at this point the iVF had worked. They were extatic and said in so many words that they were sorry but it had been hard for them. By this stage I'd had bleeds, cramps, high BP, everything, because they were so cruel.

But I let it go. But they still didn't want too much to do with me. They were so fixated on the fact they'd had to have IVF and I'd got pregnant 12 days after coming off contraception. But I shouldn't have to feel guilty for getting pregnant and being happy.

Things were strained between us because they kept me and DP at arm's length. until one day, she had a scan and it showed that the twins weren't growing properly and she'd have to have a c section that day. Her life was in danger as she had HELLP syndrome. I was TERRIFIED. I was 8 and a half months pregnant and I was an emotional wreck by this stage. My nana (who sadly died last week) was in intensive care, as was my auntie, my DP was in a hospital 80 miles away after an accident at work and I was alone and starting to get a LOT of twinges.

I cried none stop, until they were born safe, and immediately felt such a strong love for my little nieces, and my sister. So much so that we put everything behind us and I asked her to be God mum. Her babies were in a hospital an hour away for about 8 or 9 weeks. By which time my baby was home, but he'd stopped breathing twice. For which we received little sympathy because their situation was 'much worse'.

My sister saw my son once in this time. She said she'd buy him certain presents, and asked us to tell other people not to buy them, but we never received them. Eventually I found out that her H wouldn't see my son as he said it was 'too upsetting'. So once again we'd be left outside the family circle.

I could see nothing of my mum, dad or brother as my nana had contracted C Diff and we coudn't risk it being passed to any of the babies.

During this time I made the effort to keep txting and ringing my sister asking about the twins all the time. However, a lot of the time she'd not answer the phone, or she'd not txt back. Now and again she did answer the phone and we'd have a nice chat.

So when the babies came home, I was over the moon and kept trying to go and see them but she kept putting me off. Like one day I txt to say I was on my way and she tried to talk me out of going, but her house ois 5 miles away and I was almost there. When I got there, my mum, dad and brother were there... so why hadn't she wanted me, DP and our son to go?

My dad took me to see them one day, and I cuddled the twin girls for ages. I fussed over them and said they were beautiful, but my son sat in his carseat and they didn't bother to hold him once. They constantly went on about how he's so big (he's 2 weeks younger than the girls but they are 4lb 5 and 5lb 5, and he is 13lb 4 as he was born at 8lb 11. they acted as though he was second best and not cute, and said he looks like he should be walking or something. They wouldn't let me put him in the twin's swing when he got restless (he likes to be rocked. He was 8 weeks old at the time).

So that night, DP came to see the girls for the first time. He cood over them and made a real effort, despite thinking very little of my sis and her H after they'd said many nasty things about us and tried to stop us staying at mums when we had nowhere else to go as they didn't want us using 'their room' (the guest bedroom), even though it wasn't being used.

Suddenly her H changed and fussed over our son and put him in the twins swing. It was all for my DPs benefit. Like the put on some weird show. I didn't mention this to DP.

Our son started crying, so DP took him out in the garden as he likes to look around and be nosey (the baby, not DP). Her H said to me 'do you want me to make him a bottle of water?' So i said yes that was kind of him. Then I realised, he was making it with an unsterilised bottle, even though he had sterilised other bottled. My sis stopped him and said 'use a sterilised one'. He did it on purpose, as I watched him go to use a sterilised one and then change his mind, and he looked all caught out when she told him to use a sterilised one.

Then we went to see them a few days later, and we had an almost new phone, then we'd gotten a newer one as we upgraded on our contract. So they asked if they could have the almost new one. We gave them that and a load of nappies and cotton balls and things to help them along.

myself and Dp were VERY poorly, and had to have a doctor out to us, so we sent our son to stay with our mum for three nights as we didn't want him to catch it. i can't stand to be away from son so it was very difficult for me. My sister is annoyed about this as she said i have DPs family to 'use' as her H's family live away, so she's only got my mum to help. I don't understand how she could begrudge my mum minding my baby when I was ill. My mum adores my son and wanted to look after him anyway.

So nana died this week and tensions have been ridiculous. We're all very stressed as we loved her very much and were very close to her, however, my mum is REALLy devastated.

My wedding is in 1 year, and I rang the dress shop to discuss when I should get my dress as we're getting married abroad. they said it would have to be 12 months in advance so that t arrives in time and can be taken in (as I am losing my baby weight) before the wedding. So mum took me to pick the dress. When we got back, she started shouting at me about nothing, and we fell out a bit. I tried to talk to my sister about this and she started yelling at me on the phone infront of all my DPs family as we were at a BBQ, which she knew. She went crazy for ages saying that my wedding can wait and all this stuff. But the wedding is booked and the dress HAS to be ordered this month. Then she started saying that there'd been hardly any warning of my wedding and she'd only got married two years ago which dad had paid for, so how could I be so selfish as to get married 2 years after getting engaged (she was engaged for ten years as her H kept calling it off and back on again).

I was meant to get married this year but we put it off til next year as dad had said he'd like an extra year to save. So how is that selfish? We're also not being as extravagant as she was with her wedding. My dress is half the price etc etc.

She said that everything is always my fault as no one is ever nasty to me unjustly. So I said 'oh so you havn't been nasty to me once whilst I've been pregnant or when I had the baby have you not?' and the next thing she was screaming and shouting about IVF and how I could never understand how awful it is etc etc. She wouldn't listen when I was trying to explain that I'm not saying anything about that, I'm just saying she hasn't made an effort to come and see my son for ten minutes since he was a week old and she ruined my pregnancy when it should have been a happy time as DP thought he couldn't have children. She just kept screaming about the IVF and how they're so badly done to and how I got pregnant after 2 weeks and she was devastated, and she couldn't help but not want anything more to do with me etc etc.

THEN her H starts yelling in the background 'if she's bringing this much it'll get fucking bigger than this. Seriously, it's bigger than just this now.' blah blah blah. So I hung up.

I don't want their negative influence in our lives any longer. He's a horrible man. He yelled at my mum in the middle of asda 2 days after her mum died. My sister ignored me when i brought that up. He's manipulated the family and everyone in it hates him, but tries to keep him happy because he mentally abuses my sister and they don't want her to pick him and never bother with us again.

I'm done with it though. He's ruled the family for too long. I don't know who he thinks he is. He wouldn't let my sister speak to my mum for 3 weeks when I got pregnant as he blamed my mum (how??) and he was checking her messages to make sure there was no contact.

My sister also started slagging off my DP on the phone, and she said about my son 'well he hasn't been in hospital for 10 weeks has he?' like he's not important.

She also said that i need to look at myself because everything's my fault, and when i said I'd been making an effort with her she said 'well yes I'd noticed that I have actually ENJOYED spending a bit of time with you since the girls have been born.' She said it as though it was outrageous to enjoy spending time with me. She's always quick to tell me I'm a horrible person and that I'm the evil member of the family.

But most of all, I hate that her DP got involved.

So I'm cutting them out of our lives.

AIBU?

Well done if you read this far.

Familys hu

I'm with jamescagney on this.

imo,as people get older, they get more set in their ways and their little world/lives become the centre of their universe. They cannot see outside their own bubble. You obviously can.

Distance yourself, concentrate on your own family, otherwise this will destroy your happiness. Your sister and dp are different to you and your dp thats that. You do it your way, they do it theirs.

If it helps, I know where your coming from, let it go.

fgs noone's said you are a bitch that I can tell.

I'm sorry you felt pressured into having to choose your dress at such a difficult time for everyone who wanted to go along, but these days that is unnecessary and says a lot about the type of shop you are buying from which, in turn, reflects negatively upon you. tbh I suspect your persepctive on the whole situation is distorted , perhaps by new mother fatigue, perhaps pnd , perhaps long held grudges, you may have fundamentally sound reasons to feel the way you do but it is hard to see the wood for the trees here. Agree with Hecate you need to shift focus and move on.

Oh honestly.

The shop I buy my wedding dress from reflects negatively upon me? Goodness me.

It's that long because the wedding is abroad. That's what they've told me and my mum. What can I do? Demand they do it closer to the time? Doesn't work like that.

I've explained why I'm upset, I've explained why I'm all over the place and I've explained WHY it's such a bad time.

I think we've established i am being unreasonable. I'm willing to accept that.

There are plenty of other options than a bespoke Wedding dress store these days and any decent manager would have been sympathetic to your particular circumstances and allowed you to rearrange. It really does not take a full year to order and alter a wedding dress whereever the wedding is being held. That you went ahead with this now comes across as you being insensitive, no matter whether you felt you had any choice or not.

If your sister has been trying for a baby for seven years with IVF, no less, and you only just found out about it, my guess is that you were not close to start with.

A lot of OP and your subsequent comments feel quite petty (sorry). I am not saying this is all your fault, but none of it feels like a major event, let alone "life changing" as you say in thread title.

Both of you had a tough time over the past year or so. You were both hormonal, went through bouts of depression, had health scares, etc. In most families, these hardships would bring sisters closer together. Unfortunately, you two have instead bickered over smaller things - whose baby was cuddled most, sterilized/unsterilized bottles, etc. Your impression is that all of it was on purpose. Reading your posts, I can't help but think that you may have misread at least some of their words/actions.

At the end of the day, you will have to decide which is more important - having a sister, or your pride/expectations of treatment. All these things might feel terribly important now, but looking from the outside, I assure you they are not that "life changing".

Just wanted to say well done for coming back FWIW, I started a thread about difficult family stuff a while ago, got a lot of unpleasant comments (I was told that I was a bitch!) and spent most of the weekend in tears, but stuck with it and it turned out to be really helpful (if a bit traumatic!).

Wedding dress shops IME do put the pressure on (one woman nearly exploded when she discovered I had a scant seven months before my wedding ) - it's total bullshit (and I don't see what difference going abroad would make) but not your fault if that's what they told you.

I think that you are being a bit self-centered in some areas, and reasonable in others. Aren't we all like that in bad situations?

If you love your sister, then do not cut her off ever. IVF, ill twins and abusive relationship are enough to drive any woman batty. Give her some space and take this time to deal with all that is going on in your life. I would suggest not discussing your sister with your mother either, as it seems to start trouble.

Wow. I actually read that right to the end! They have not behaved well, but as you KNOW it has stemmed from stress, jealousy and resentment, all in huge measure.

It's sad that something in the family dynamic has gone wrong and that instead of pulling together and supporting eachother you're adding to eachother's troubles. Either intentionally or unintentionally.

I would NOT cut them off forever. Definitely not. Take a step back by ALL means. Get on with your own lives. But do not come out with any melodramatic proclamations such as 'cutting off all ties forever".

Maybe write a short note, saying that you've all had a rollercoaster this last 2 or 3 years and there has been a lot to get used to. Say that you are sad that the family dynamics aren't working well anymore, and that you hope that in five years or so all of this will be ancient history, and that your children will all be playing happily together.

Because it's NOT A suffering contest. OK, they've been immature, but they've also been unhappy I think. It's not your fault, and they know that, but your good luck at the wrong time heightened their misery and sense of failure.

If you come out with a rash decision to cut them off, you will come out of this the bad guys, and you will be the ones excluded when your parents ask family round.

My advice would be to keep to small talk. Try, very, very, very, very hard not to rise to any bait.

I think your family has had a lot of change to get used to in the last couple of years and five years down the line this could ALL be history, IF you don't do any rash.

I have experience of cutting out a family member (MIL, now tentatively reconciled) and it isn't nice.

I would however suggest that you can take a break from the relationship without making any lifelong commitment to non contact.|I'd suggest they ahve PTSD, which added to the general not- niceness of her H makes for an explosive mix.

to you, and big congrats on your ds. And your lovely DP.

i think all we are trying to say in our many ways is that give yourself time and your sister time and dont do anything drastic.

we are trying to support you in our different ways - being blunt is the way things come across online.

it sounds like you have a great deal to look forward to at the moment, so enjoy the wedding plans and your new one. If you can get over this tiring sad time you will see clouds lift in the very near future

Blimey

It all sounds rather petty in a lot of ways. But you do both sound GENUINELY hurt and vulnerable. It is a great shame that you can't both support each other more.

Have you thought about counselling? Because a lot of the time, it might be that your reactions and resentments are coming out in ways that trigger your sisters worst parts too. Coming to terms with the fact that your family is not perfect, and being able to move on and accept that, and live with it, and not explode and take everything to heart CAN BE DONE.

Good luck

I was pregnant a few weeks behind my SIL, I MC at 8 weeks, I then got pregnant again quite quickly and delivered 5 days (at 20 weeks) after my SIL, I was then told that having a baby would be very difficult for me. I found it hard being with my niece but I had to see that she was her own person, not Lily-Hope, my niece and deserved to be loved in her own right. I could have used what I had been through as a reason to be horrible, but I chose not to.

10 months later I went into premature labour again (after the drugs, hospital rest and monitoring kept me going a little longer than before) and spent a long time in hospital with my daughter (Tink).

I did everything I could for Tink, I researched everything and have ended up very AP from it. I hated seeing the way my SIL treated her kids, how she gets pregnant annually but doesn't seem to value them. But I have never used it as an excuse to treat them (Brother and SIL) any different. Again, they're my nieces and nephews and deserve to be loved.

I might not have spent years going through problems, but I have been through a lot. I always thought my body was cruel to get pregnant so easy when it couldn't hold onto them. I took me nearly 2 years to get Tink, I held my precious first daughter as she lived and held her while she took her last breath. Then I watched her dad and uncle lower her into the ground. I think that's enough Hell packed into two years. But I will not use it against anyone else and I can not understand anyone using what they've been through against someone else. It's your issues, deal with them yourself!

My advice to you, mumblesmummy, is not to cut yourself off totally, as someone else said a Jeremy Kyles-esq announcement isn't going to do anyone any good. Just stop putting yourself out. Send cards and presents at the right times, send her pictures of your son occasionally and be open to her contacting you if she wants to. Enjoy the new family that you've created and don't let anyone else stress you out. Learn when to say "I don't want to argue about this, we need some time out before we discuss it calmly" and walk away. Don't discuss your relationship with your sister with your family because you automatically put them in the middle when you do. If anyone says anything to you just say you don't want to bring them into it by discussing it with them.

Well I read the OP but not all the responses.

I am infertile and for about 8 years whilst friends all over the place were popping babies - my sister even got pregnant by accident. I had to repeatedly say to myself "I will NOT get bitter and twisted and NOT be jealous" because in the end that's poison to relationships and relationships are what life is about.

I know a lot of people who aren't on speaking terms with various of their family members and it's very sad too.

You be the adults here. Count your blessings, leave the door open and keep in touch as a courtesy. Some people really are so wrapped up in their own problems they have no idea how insensitive or hurtful they are being to others. Do you really want your DS to grow up with a family feud and never seeing his cousins? Do you want a wedding where half the family aren't there or it degenerates into a slanging match? I doubt it. Enjoy your lovely family and let bygones be bygones

Tinkerbellesmum
blithedance

I can't imagine how hard it must have been.

YABVU to cut them out of your lives in such a melodramatic fashion. And how childish to claim that she "ruined your pregnancy"!

You seem to have been looking to find fault with your sister and BIL while they have been going through hell. You don't like them, just spend minimal time with them.

Tinkerbellesmum, the OP could take a lesson in behaving in a dignified and grown up way from you....you are a star!

Just step back, and stay away.

If he is such an arse it could be that your sister will really need you one day, if you just stop contacting them rather than cutting them out completely with a big hoo-haa that may not be possible.

sound of rattle flying out of pram?ask AIBU?dont like the answer go off in a big huff.

never ceases to amaze me, post ABU ask for a response.get the hump when you dont like the response.ah-ha so everyone else got the wrong end of the stick. Tis all MN ganging up?diddums

well dont bloody ask, if all you expect is a sychophantic "poor you"

AIBU is not the place for an empathic cuddle and there there poppett

I think YABU, and rather immature and self-centred. Your sister must have been terrified she was going to lose her babies and you really expected her to have a nice chat with you or to come and visit your healthy baby? When my sister was very ill, and later dying, in hospital I found it very difficult to respond to messages from well-wishers. For one thing I didn't know what to say. For another, I felt trapped in this hideous, tragic, hospital world which had no relation to the normal world outside. It was not possible to have a nice chat.

And now your sister must feel that she has gone through a terrible experience while you are trying to get everyone's attention, fussing about your wedding, sending your baby to your mother for 3 days (who parts from an 8 week old for 3 days anyway?) etc... Besides everything else she has tiny twins - she must be completely sleep deprived.

If I were you, I would back off for a bit and give your sister a chance to calm down. Don't cut her off. In a year or so you might find that everything is back to normal - that is, if you can put your own angst aside.

TRYINGTOLEAVE- DON'T EVER TRY TO CALL ME A BAD MOTHER. HE WENT TO MY MUMS FOR THREE DAYS BECAUSE WE WERE VERY POORLY AND I WAS TAKEN INTO HOSPITAL WITH DEHYDRATION. SO WHATEVER YOU THINK OF ME AND MY SITUATION, TRYING TO SAY I AM A BAD MOTHER FOR BEING UNABLE TO LOOK AFTER HIM FOR THREE DAYS IS DISGUSTING. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. I DO EVERYTHING I CAN FOR MY SON AND I AM A GOOD MOTHER.

Thanks Anglepoise- I wish this had been at all productive, but it hasn't.

Tinkerbellesmum- So sorry to hear of what you have been through, and have the utmost respect for you keeping so level headed and not ruining the relationships around you. God bless. You sound like an amazing person.

My sister and I have had a long talk and sorted things out now. And she has told her H that she is leaving him if he doesn't buck his ideas up, which is something no one ever thought she'd say and it has taken her 11 years and for us to have a very indepth discussion for her to get the balls to say it. So that's an end to it.

Cheers to everyone who made comments that actually helped.

Omg, you need to calm down and stop being so defensive. My point was that maybe your sister was right that you were monopolising your mother. I can see now that it could be taken more harshly, and maybe I shouldn't have said it, but really - grow up and stop shouting.

mumblesmummy stop SHOUTING.calm down.thought you'd gone off in a huff.still lurking?

oh and stop thanking everyone for supporting you.it is cheesy and just emphasises thta many others havent agreed with you

I think 'sorry' was the word you were looking for. That's just disgraceful. I wouldn't say anything like that to anyone no matter what I thought of them, and YOU think I'M childish.

Tell you what Scottishmummy. I was right to leave. Don't bother telling me I'm cheesy- you just sound nasty.

Sod this. It isn't worth it. I don't come on mumsnet to be slaughtered and called a bad mother. 'Am I Being Unreasonable' doesn't give people the right to slaughter other people just because you're sat at home bored all day desperate to jump on the first person who says something you don't agree with. Would you say things like that to someone in RL? no.

This time I won't be back. I won't be called a bad mother by anyone. I just wanted some advice. I think you should all think carefully about the way YOU are before you slate other people.

Enough.