To NEVER EVER speak to my sister or her H again?Everyone come and have a say, It's very long but I'd REALLY appreciate help with this, it's life changing.

[mumblesmummy]

I've moaned about her on here before. This is long.

Her H has had endless amounts of money out of my parents and he's ungrateful, horrible, and has pretty much destroyed the family- and her, really, as he is obviously one of those men who conduct emotional and mental domestic violence.

I met my DP 16 months ago. We hit it off straight away, we're both very, very happy together, we settled each other down and I got on REALLY well with his family. So, as I absolutely adored my family and was so proud of them, I asked him to meet them.

We took along his Godson (who's mum died when he was 5 weeks old). He'd have been about 6 months old and he is a very beautiful, happy, smiley, charming baby with huge eyes. You can't help but love him. Mum and dad loved him to bits. But my sister and her H were distant with my DP from the start. They seemed to HATE that it was serious. I didn't really understand why.

DP and I went on holiday together, and got engaged. Soon after, I became pregnant. Fortunately for us, we're very suited and perfect together, so it's worked out well. DP had tried for a baby for a few years with an ex and she hadn't got pregnant. She told him that it was his fault and he was convinced he couldn't have children, as were his family. So everyone was absolutely overjoyed. My mum and dad and brother were extatic. However, mum seemed terrified, and so she told us that my sister had been trying for a baby for 7 years and was going through IVF.

However, my sister desperately did not want me to know this. So I had to pretend I didn't know, and ring and tell her I was pregnant. She cried on the phone and was horrible to me. But I understood why, so I was just nice.

Her and her H wouldn't speak to me or DP for 3 months. They invited family and friends to their's but left us out. They called my mums to check we were out before they came over. We were living with my parents at this time, as we were having problems with our rented house and couldn't stay there for a couple of months. This made things even harder.

I became so stressed out with it all that I was on edge constantly. I got high blood pressure and one day had a row with dad which resulted in him not speaking to me either for a good few weeks. We were living under the same roof. I apologised and we got back to normal, and one night he came to pick me up from college and said he was taking me and DP to my sister's as she wanted to see us.

I knew at this point the iVF had worked. They were extatic and said in so many words that they were sorry but it had been hard for them. By this stage I'd had bleeds, cramps, high BP, everything, because they were so cruel.

But I let it go. But they still didn't want too much to do with me. They were so fixated on the fact they'd had to have IVF and I'd got pregnant 12 days after coming off contraception. But I shouldn't have to feel guilty for getting pregnant and being happy.

Things were strained between us because they kept me and DP at arm's length. until one day, she had a scan and it showed that the twins weren't growing properly and she'd have to have a c section that day. Her life was in danger as she had HELLP syndrome. I was TERRIFIED. I was 8 and a half months pregnant and I was an emotional wreck by this stage. My nana (who sadly died last week) was in intensive care, as was my auntie, my DP was in a hospital 80 miles away after an accident at work and I was alone and starting to get a LOT of twinges.

I cried none stop, until they were born safe, and immediately felt such a strong love for my little nieces, and my sister. So much so that we put everything behind us and I asked her to be God mum. Her babies were in a hospital an hour away for about 8 or 9 weeks. By which time my baby was home, but he'd stopped breathing twice. For which we received little sympathy because their situation was 'much worse'.

My sister saw my son once in this time. She said she'd buy him certain presents, and asked us to tell other people not to buy them, but we never received them. Eventually I found out that her H wouldn't see my son as he said it was 'too upsetting'. So once again we'd be left outside the family circle.

I could see nothing of my mum, dad or brother as my nana had contracted C Diff and we coudn't risk it being passed to any of the babies.

During this time I made the effort to keep txting and ringing my sister asking about the twins all the time. However, a lot of the time she'd not answer the phone, or she'd not txt back. Now and again she did answer the phone and we'd have a nice chat.

So when the babies came home, I was over the moon and kept trying to go and see them but she kept putting me off. Like one day I txt to say I was on my way and she tried to talk me out of going, but her house ois 5 miles away and I was almost there. When I got there, my mum, dad and brother were there... so why hadn't she wanted me, DP and our son to go?

My dad took me to see them one day, and I cuddled the twin girls for ages. I fussed over them and said they were beautiful, but my son sat in his carseat and they didn't bother to hold him once. They constantly went on about how he's so big (he's 2 weeks younger than the girls but they are 4lb 5 and 5lb 5, and he is 13lb 4 as he was born at 8lb 11. they acted as though he was second best and not cute, and said he looks like he should be walking or something. They wouldn't let me put him in the twin's swing when he got restless (he likes to be rocked. He was 8 weeks old at the time).

So that night, DP came to see the girls for the first time. He cood over them and made a real effort, despite thinking very little of my sis and her H after they'd said many nasty things about us and tried to stop us staying at mums when we had nowhere else to go as they didn't want us using 'their room' (the guest bedroom), even though it wasn't being used.

Suddenly her H changed and fussed over our son and put him in the twins swing. It was all for my DPs benefit. Like the put on some weird show. I didn't mention this to DP.

Our son started crying, so DP took him out in the garden as he likes to look around and be nosey (the baby, not DP). Her H said to me 'do you want me to make him a bottle of water?' So i said yes that was kind of him. Then I realised, he was making it with an unsterilised bottle, even though he had sterilised other bottled. My sis stopped him and said 'use a sterilised one'. He did it on purpose, as I watched him go to use a sterilised one and then change his mind, and he looked all caught out when she told him to use a sterilised one.

Then we went to see them a few days later, and we had an almost new phone, then we'd gotten a newer one as we upgraded on our contract. So they asked if they could have the almost new one. We gave them that and a load of nappies and cotton balls and things to help them along.

myself and Dp were VERY poorly, and had to have a doctor out to us, so we sent our son to stay with our mum for three nights as we didn't want him to catch it. i can't stand to be away from son so it was very difficult for me. My sister is annoyed about this as she said i have DPs family to 'use' as her H's family live away, so she's only got my mum to help. I don't understand how she could begrudge my mum minding my baby when I was ill. My mum adores my son and wanted to look after him anyway.

So nana died this week and tensions have been ridiculous. We're all very stressed as we loved her very much and were very close to her, however, my mum is REALLy devastated.

My wedding is in 1 year, and I rang the dress shop to discuss when I should get my dress as we're getting married abroad. they said it would have to be 12 months in advance so that t arrives in time and can be taken in (as I am losing my baby weight) before the wedding. So mum took me to pick the dress. When we got back, she started shouting at me about nothing, and we fell out a bit. I tried to talk to my sister about this and she started yelling at me on the phone infront of all my DPs family as we were at a BBQ, which she knew. She went crazy for ages saying that my wedding can wait and all this stuff. But the wedding is booked and the dress HAS to be ordered this month. Then she started saying that there'd been hardly any warning of my wedding and she'd only got married two years ago which dad had paid for, so how could I be so selfish as to get married 2 years after getting engaged (she was engaged for ten years as her H kept calling it off and back on again).

I was meant to get married this year but we put it off til next year as dad had said he'd like an extra year to save. So how is that selfish? We're also not being as extravagant as she was with her wedding. My dress is half the price etc etc.

She said that everything is always my fault as no one is ever nasty to me unjustly. So I said 'oh so you havn't been nasty to me once whilst I've been pregnant or when I had the baby have you not?' and the next thing she was screaming and shouting about IVF and how I could never understand how awful it is etc etc. She wouldn't listen when I was trying to explain that I'm not saying anything about that, I'm just saying she hasn't made an effort to come and see my son for ten minutes since he was a week old and she ruined my pregnancy when it should have been a happy time as DP thought he couldn't have children. She just kept screaming about the IVF and how they're so badly done to and how I got pregnant after 2 weeks and she was devastated, and she couldn't help but not want anything more to do with me etc etc.

THEN her H starts yelling in the background 'if she's bringing this much it'll get fucking bigger than this. Seriously, it's bigger than just this now.' blah blah blah. So I hung up.

I don't want their negative influence in our lives any longer. He's a horrible man. He yelled at my mum in the middle of asda 2 days after her mum died. My sister ignored me when i brought that up. He's manipulated the family and everyone in it hates him, but tries to keep him happy because he mentally abuses my sister and they don't want her to pick him and never bother with us again.

I'm done with it though. He's ruled the family for too long. I don't know who he thinks he is. He wouldn't let my sister speak to my mum for 3 weeks when I got pregnant as he blamed my mum (how??) and he was checking her messages to make sure there was no contact.

My sister also started slagging off my DP on the phone, and she said about my son 'well he hasn't been in hospital for 10 weeks has he?' like he's not important.

She also said that i need to look at myself because everything's my fault, and when i said I'd been making an effort with her she said 'well yes I'd noticed that I have actually ENJOYED spending a bit of time with you since the girls have been born.' She said it as though it was outrageous to enjoy spending time with me. She's always quick to tell me I'm a horrible person and that I'm the evil member of the family.

But most of all, I hate that her DP got involved.

So I'm cutting them out of our lives.

AIBU?

Well done if you read this far.

[beanieb]

I have read back a few of your other posts about your relationship with your sister and I am sorry but you are coming over in general as being a bit spoiled.

IN another thread you are upset that your mum has offered to look after your Sister's twins when she returns to work and that "This means that if my baby was to go and see his nana while I'm working, there will always be two slightly younger babies there being looked after. Which i feel is too many for her to look after anyway as it's not fair, she's already raised her own 3 children."

the trouble is, it's entirely up to your mother what childcare she offers and I do think you are being a wee bit precious about it all.

In another thread you say "She's been an extra pain in the arse lately. She said she hopes our babies don't come at the same time because she wants me to 'get mine out of the way'. She absolutely cannot stand that my baby is the first grandchild, which is just pathetic"

do you think that perhaps you are slightly put out that your sister had her children early and so they became the first Grandchildren.

[posieflump]

me too
also be very careful about thr wedding
it might bring up all these thorny issues again
are you going to ask her girls to be bridesmaids for example? might be hard if you have cut contact with their mother

[Celery]

You are not responsible for your sisters unhappiness and problems. It's not your fault she has had such a difficult time, and whilst it's understandable that she might feel jealous towards you, and find it hard to be with you, it does sound like she is projecting her jealousy and unhappiness in a very nasty way towards you, and it does sound like her husband is playing a big part in this. Take a step back, don't say anything to her, just keep your distance and don't get involved. There may come a time when your sister is no longer with this man, when she is in a happier place mentally, and she may be up for having a more normal relationship with you.

[BalloonSlayer]

Would just tune them out if I were you. They do sound awful and self-obsessed.

However, there were a couple of things that bothered me. How did they know you got pg 12 days after stopping contraception unless you told them so? TBH I would expect someone who was lucky enough to conceive quickly to strive to keep such minute details of their super-fertility from someone going through IVF. (Years ago when I was trying and failing to have a baby the women who claimed "ooh my husband and I just have to pass on the stairs and I get pregnant" made me want to punch them.)

The other thing - you blame all your pregnancy problems on them: "By this stage I'd had bleeds, cramps, high BP, everything, because they were so cruel." Do you really believe that's true? If you said that sort of thing to her or other members of the family, she could be on here complaining about YOU...

[mumblesmummy]

beanie i think it's very important to point out that he told her she was a failure because she couldn't conceive. He sad she was worthless, useless and he wouldn't marry her. He tried to back out of ivf and when she had the babies early and nearly died he said he was sick of everyone focusing on her and not him, and that alol he wanted her to do was carry the babies until 37 weeks and she even failed at that. Disgusting.

[jimjamshaslefttheyurt]

I wouldn't cut her off, but I would stop making an effort. Be polite, then if there comes a time in the future when she dumps the idiot husband there won't be extra bad blood between the 2 of you.

If she carries on about things like your mum shouldn't look after your baby just tell her not to be so ridiculous then refuse to discuss it.

[beanieb]

Also read about how you wanted to keep your room at your mums house for when your baby is there and how your sister thought ir should be a guest room... TB Brutally Honest I think that's a little weird. You can chuck a cot up in a spare room no problem and so to insist your mums spare room is kept as 'your room' seems a little precious also.

[beanieb]

OK - so you have issues with your Sister's OH? Why does it come across so much that your problems are with her?

[mumblesmummy]

Beanie- do you honestly think I give a flying shite when the babies got here as long as they got here safely? How ridiculous. The fact is I'm 22 and I was immature before the babies came but now I know what's important.

And neither do I care about childcare, I'm putting my baby in baby nursery when I go back to work. She can have my mum all she wants.

Honestly. People change when babies are born. Me especially, and despite what you think, SHE is unreasonable.

[LittleMissNorty]

What a sad story.....I hope you feel better for writing all that down and getting it off your chest..I have a strange relationship with some of my family and could identify with aspects of what you say....my instincts are though that your family is now your DP and your DS and bollocks to the rest of them....YANBU. I would go away and get married and leave the lot of them at home.....

[Beetroot]

so step away

[beanieb]

OK - fair enough. Like I said in my first response...

"I an see you had a tough pregnancy but maybe if you learned ways to deal with your anxieties and also to stop yourself getting involved in other people's lives then you might be more relaxed about things? "

You need to step away and stop looking for the wrong in everything your sister does - prticularly if you're right that she is like she is because of her partner. You are lucky to have met someone so wonderful and to have not had any problems with getting pregnant etc. Your sister clearly is not so lucky if what you say is true, but she's an adult and seems old enough to make her own decisions. She and her OH have come through something very tough. Maybe leave them alone a while ...

[HonoriaGlossop]

agree with Beety - step away

Ok, so she is unreasonable - you can't MAKE her reasonable

The only thing you can control is YOUR behaviour. EG, step away!

[wannaBe]

Ok I?ve read through all this and tbh I think there are issues on both sides. And I also think that a lot of it is petty bickering which has just got out of hand because of the stress you?ve all been under.

Just to think of it from your sister?s POV for a while, she spent 7 years and possibly a significant amount of emotional energy, not to mention money, trying to conceive a child. And then you come off the pill and fall pregnant within the first month. Rightly or wrongly, that would have been incredibly difficult for her. And then when she did fall pregnant she might (again rightly or wrongly) felt that her pregnancy was somehow second best to the family because you got pregnant first. And she may have resented that, because, as she started ttc first, in her mind, she should have been pregnant first, and her children should have been the first born grandchildren. It?s irrational thinking but it?s logical thinking. Having spent so long ttc she almost certainly had certain expectations of pregnancy and birth. She?d had years to build up to this moment in her mind and to imagine how it was going to be. And given she?d been trying so long she probably thought she would never get there so when she did it must have been like all her dreams had come true. Except the babies didn?t grow and her ideal of a pregnancy and birth was shattered because her babies had to be delivered early and spent several weeks in SCBU, again possibly taking away her ideal of bringing home her brand new babies just days after giving birth.

I have no doubt the screaming and shouting has been hurtful to both of you actually. But she has been through hell and back to conceive her babies and you are getting upset that she doesn?t come to see your baby. Sadly the reality is that when we have our first baby, we think the world should revolve around them, and more often than not, it doesn?t.

I wouldn?t make any announcements of cutting contact, just don?t bother contacting them. Just so long as you do so in the knowledge that you won?t have a relationship with your nieces and your ds will not have a relationship with his cousins.

Concentrate on your own family and leave your sister to concentrate on her?s. And leave your parents out of it.

You may have had a close relationship once but that is clearly no longer the case, so you need to move on and put all this bickering behind you.

[Nickinha]

YANBU... I had HELPP syndrome when I was pregnant and my dd had to be born at 32 weeks weighing 1.4kg. If anything - it is not something you like to brood on, rather be grateful for any moment you have from now on. Therefore, your sister has got to stop throwing this in your face and get on with it. ITS OVER.

It sounds to me as if all influence she has in your life is negative, and for one - your ds does not need that in his life just yet. I would keep seeing my sister (if in that situation) only at family functions and even then greet and mingel elsewhere.

I hope this works out for you. xxx

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

i dont know what id do. has your sister always been this way or is it her h trying to control her?

i know just after my sis moved in with her dp, who isnice guy but can be childish at times as they are both very young, she stopped calling my mum and answering her phone, when they had previously spoken everyday. my mum was concerned that her dp was stopping her having contact with her family so asked me to go around and talk to her when we knew she would be in and he would be out! i told her then that if he was stopping her keeping in touch with her family i would quite literally inflict serious damage to him!! turns out she was just a bit dim like me and had put her phone through the wash again! but i think you see that no one or nothing would keep me away from my sisters!!

my h knows that my dcs come first, then my mum and sisters and then him. he knows to stay out of our arguments and not to even attempt coming between us as it would be him i walked from not my sisters!

i can understand how upset your sister would have been that you were pg and she had to go through ivf. she should have tried to be happy for you but i think you need to make it clear to her that you understand that she was upset!

if your sister has always been this way then yes walk away but if you think it is her h then i think you need to let her know that you still love her and will always be there for her but you cannot deal with h's behavior anymore and will be distancing yourself from him!

your also not doing any one any favours blaming them for your illness during pregnancy. yes the stress would have added to it but they were going thier own things at the time and im sure they did not deliberately make you ill!!

[Notyummy]

Get some other interests is my first thought, as you seem so have everything invested in this....how you have the time or energy is beyond me. I am an only child, so have no advice to give on siblings, but my DH has got three, plus 4 step-brothers, and only sees his 'full' siblings once a year (if that). You know what? No one gets upset, they all have busy lives, jobs/friends/kids and DO NOT have the time to bicker (which they would probably do if they saw each other all the time tbh). My Dh and his older sister help out his two younger siblings occasionally with cash as they are hopeless with money, but that is ablout the extent of it. And we don't expect anything back/ in return.

[TotalChaos]

sounds like the horrible partner is fuelling a lot of your sister's resentment.

[funnypeculiar]

Hummm. Well her H sounds awful, really unpleasant & controlling. But mostly reading this I felt really sorry for your sister - she must be having a hideous time -7 exhausting years of IVF, premature twins, an abusive husband, her nana has died..... Don't get me wrong, she's not behaving well, but it's sort of understandable.

And much as it would be lovely if siblings simply rejoiced in each other's happiness, jealousy & competition DO get in the way. It must be very hard for her to see you

• falling pg so easily (probably not great that she knew that...)
• with a happy healthy baby
• and a loving, wonderful dp

Especially if she privately is conscious that her life isn't perfect atm.

My prognosis would be the same as most of the other posters, though. Stay away for a while - don't cut off ties, just don't seek her out. if you can, try & see her without her h. Float above it, enjoy your baby, your dp and his lovely family.

And hopefully you'll still be there for her in a few years time when she frees herself from this h...

[Pannacotta]

Totally agree with HonoriaGlossop, would avoid them, no need to cut them off entirely just live your own life, avoid them for as long as you need and concentrate on your own life, enjoy your DP and DS.
Good luck, they sound pretty toxic.

[noonki]

I agree with funnypeculiar -

my bf went through years of IVF and couldn't be in the same room as when when I was pregnant-

the fact that you are so much younger is difficult for her too as she may have wanted to be ayoung parent and she now never will be.

Also it sounds like she is suffering from domestic violence, this can be soul destroying and over many years can make someone change their behaviour to fit in with that of their partners.

it is classic behaviour of a perpetrator of domestic violence to create tension and division between their partner and family. (the aim being that their partner then has no support and is left feeling more insecure and under their control than before).

If I was you I would not fall out with her and lose her, she sounds very important to you or else you wouldn't care so much,

but I would try and she her on her own (with your kids)and so hopefully she will leave her H eventually and you will be their coz she will need you then

and as for your mum -

she is grieving at the moment you should both be giving her as much support as possible. She is probably worried as she can be about your sister and tbh she needs more help than you - you have a lovely DP and only one baby.

good luck and have space

[Anglepoise]

Agree with those who said let it drift but don't see you should make some big "official" cutting off announcement - to me, that sounds as though you're trying to get some sort of reaction and it may not be the one you're after.

Horrible situation though all round from the sounds of things.

[newgirl]

i think you have both been through massive life changing experiences and you need to calm down and give each other some space and support and see how life goes over the next year or two

ok she is older and you feel she should be nicer - but she is human too and has been through a lot. I dont think they sound toxic - just tired, stressed, hormonal etc etc ie pretty normal for parents with new twins

i do think you have taken some things too seriously - the bottles/swing etc - you sound like you expect the dp to behave badly to you - i imagine that stuff is fairly new to him as a new dad. My dh is a nice man and a good dad but he would not bother to get a drink for another baby or offer a swing - it just wouldnt occur to him.

i hope you manage to step back and give everyone space and time to calm down. wishing you the very best

[snickersnack]

I think once you start tallying up grievances, they can mount up fairly quickly. If you start out with the assumption that someone is horrible and out to do what they can to make your life miserable, you'll find lots of support for that even though things may in fact be entirely innocent. Hence, the bottles, swings etc - could be, as you think, part of a wider issue, or could just be him being thoughtless.

They sound like they've had an absolutely horrible time of it. Failure to conceive, IVF, premature and sick twins...that's going to make anyone quite self absorbed. I'm not surprised they don't have time to think about you - not saying that's good, but it's human nature.

He does sound pretty horrible, but she could probably use some support if that's the case. Have as ltitle to do with him as you can manage. Be there for her, particularly if it all falls apart. She's your sister, after all...I'd say try to forgive her for some of the stuff she's done and said in the past and move forwards.

[squiffy]

Sorry but I think YABU.

Not once do you seem to have looked at it from her point of view. She has been to hell and back and she is probably fully aware that she is living with a complete dickhead as well.

you expect her to have empathy for you but you don't seem to show any empathy for her. I had 7 miscarriages before my DC's and TBH I had to keep away from pregant friends/babies for a while, because I would go to pieces. What can you not understand about her doing that?

I think you are being self-obsessed and unreasonable. Yes there are a few in some of her DP's actions and what sounds like a bit of stressed-out over-reaction from her on occasion, but so what? You seem to be concentrating on you, you, you all the time.

The worst thing in all of this is that your poor parents seem to be stuck in the middle of this all and it must be bloody awful for them. what if your parents really can't afford to pay for your wedding at the moment? how much stress must they be going through if that is the case, knowing that they can't say anything to you without you turning round and saying it's unfair because she got her wedding paid for, blah blah blah. I would apologise to them for the stresses that both you and your sister have caused them for a start. I would offer to pay for the wedding yourself. Then I would step back and chill and leave it to sort itself out.

Her DP may well be a twat, but it is you who is pushing yourself out of the whole family here. Sorry, but that's how I read the whole thing.