To NEVER EVER speak to my sister or her H again?Everyone come and have a say, It's very long but I'd REALLY appreciate help with this, it's life changing.

[mumblesmummy]

I've moaned about her on here before. This is long.

Her H has had endless amounts of money out of my parents and he's ungrateful, horrible, and has pretty much destroyed the family- and her, really, as he is obviously one of those men who conduct emotional and mental domestic violence.

I met my DP 16 months ago. We hit it off straight away, we're both very, very happy together, we settled each other down and I got on REALLY well with his family. So, as I absolutely adored my family and was so proud of them, I asked him to meet them.

We took along his Godson (who's mum died when he was 5 weeks old). He'd have been about 6 months old and he is a very beautiful, happy, smiley, charming baby with huge eyes. You can't help but love him. Mum and dad loved him to bits. But my sister and her H were distant with my DP from the start. They seemed to HATE that it was serious. I didn't really understand why.

DP and I went on holiday together, and got engaged. Soon after, I became pregnant. Fortunately for us, we're very suited and perfect together, so it's worked out well. DP had tried for a baby for a few years with an ex and she hadn't got pregnant. She told him that it was his fault and he was convinced he couldn't have children, as were his family. So everyone was absolutely overjoyed. My mum and dad and brother were extatic. However, mum seemed terrified, and so she told us that my sister had been trying for a baby for 7 years and was going through IVF.

However, my sister desperately did not want me to know this. So I had to pretend I didn't know, and ring and tell her I was pregnant. She cried on the phone and was horrible to me. But I understood why, so I was just nice.

Her and her H wouldn't speak to me or DP for 3 months. They invited family and friends to their's but left us out. They called my mums to check we were out before they came over. We were living with my parents at this time, as we were having problems with our rented house and couldn't stay there for a couple of months. This made things even harder.

I became so stressed out with it all that I was on edge constantly. I got high blood pressure and one day had a row with dad which resulted in him not speaking to me either for a good few weeks. We were living under the same roof. I apologised and we got back to normal, and one night he came to pick me up from college and said he was taking me and DP to my sister's as she wanted to see us.

I knew at this point the iVF had worked. They were extatic and said in so many words that they were sorry but it had been hard for them. By this stage I'd had bleeds, cramps, high BP, everything, because they were so cruel.

But I let it go. But they still didn't want too much to do with me. They were so fixated on the fact they'd had to have IVF and I'd got pregnant 12 days after coming off contraception. But I shouldn't have to feel guilty for getting pregnant and being happy.

Things were strained between us because they kept me and DP at arm's length. until one day, she had a scan and it showed that the twins weren't growing properly and she'd have to have a c section that day. Her life was in danger as she had HELLP syndrome. I was TERRIFIED. I was 8 and a half months pregnant and I was an emotional wreck by this stage. My nana (who sadly died last week) was in intensive care, as was my auntie, my DP was in a hospital 80 miles away after an accident at work and I was alone and starting to get a LOT of twinges.

I cried none stop, until they were born safe, and immediately felt such a strong love for my little nieces, and my sister. So much so that we put everything behind us and I asked her to be God mum. Her babies were in a hospital an hour away for about 8 or 9 weeks. By which time my baby was home, but he'd stopped breathing twice. For which we received little sympathy because their situation was 'much worse'.

My sister saw my son once in this time. She said she'd buy him certain presents, and asked us to tell other people not to buy them, but we never received them. Eventually I found out that her H wouldn't see my son as he said it was 'too upsetting'. So once again we'd be left outside the family circle.

I could see nothing of my mum, dad or brother as my nana had contracted C Diff and we coudn't risk it being passed to any of the babies.

During this time I made the effort to keep txting and ringing my sister asking about the twins all the time. However, a lot of the time she'd not answer the phone, or she'd not txt back. Now and again she did answer the phone and we'd have a nice chat.

So when the babies came home, I was over the moon and kept trying to go and see them but she kept putting me off. Like one day I txt to say I was on my way and she tried to talk me out of going, but her house ois 5 miles away and I was almost there. When I got there, my mum, dad and brother were there... so why hadn't she wanted me, DP and our son to go?

My dad took me to see them one day, and I cuddled the twin girls for ages. I fussed over them and said they were beautiful, but my son sat in his carseat and they didn't bother to hold him once. They constantly went on about how he's so big (he's 2 weeks younger than the girls but they are 4lb 5 and 5lb 5, and he is 13lb 4 as he was born at 8lb 11. they acted as though he was second best and not cute, and said he looks like he should be walking or something. They wouldn't let me put him in the twin's swing when he got restless (he likes to be rocked. He was 8 weeks old at the time).

So that night, DP came to see the girls for the first time. He cood over them and made a real effort, despite thinking very little of my sis and her H after they'd said many nasty things about us and tried to stop us staying at mums when we had nowhere else to go as they didn't want us using 'their room' (the guest bedroom), even though it wasn't being used.

Suddenly her H changed and fussed over our son and put him in the twins swing. It was all for my DPs benefit. Like the put on some weird show. I didn't mention this to DP.

Our son started crying, so DP took him out in the garden as he likes to look around and be nosey (the baby, not DP). Her H said to me 'do you want me to make him a bottle of water?' So i said yes that was kind of him. Then I realised, he was making it with an unsterilised bottle, even though he had sterilised other bottled. My sis stopped him and said 'use a sterilised one'. He did it on purpose, as I watched him go to use a sterilised one and then change his mind, and he looked all caught out when she told him to use a sterilised one.

Then we went to see them a few days later, and we had an almost new phone, then we'd gotten a newer one as we upgraded on our contract. So they asked if they could have the almost new one. We gave them that and a load of nappies and cotton balls and things to help them along.

myself and Dp were VERY poorly, and had to have a doctor out to us, so we sent our son to stay with our mum for three nights as we didn't want him to catch it. i can't stand to be away from son so it was very difficult for me. My sister is annoyed about this as she said i have DPs family to 'use' as her H's family live away, so she's only got my mum to help. I don't understand how she could begrudge my mum minding my baby when I was ill. My mum adores my son and wanted to look after him anyway.

So nana died this week and tensions have been ridiculous. We're all very stressed as we loved her very much and were very close to her, however, my mum is REALLy devastated.

My wedding is in 1 year, and I rang the dress shop to discuss when I should get my dress as we're getting married abroad. they said it would have to be 12 months in advance so that t arrives in time and can be taken in (as I am losing my baby weight) before the wedding. So mum took me to pick the dress. When we got back, she started shouting at me about nothing, and we fell out a bit. I tried to talk to my sister about this and she started yelling at me on the phone infront of all my DPs family as we were at a BBQ, which she knew. She went crazy for ages saying that my wedding can wait and all this stuff. But the wedding is booked and the dress HAS to be ordered this month. Then she started saying that there'd been hardly any warning of my wedding and she'd only got married two years ago which dad had paid for, so how could I be so selfish as to get married 2 years after getting engaged (she was engaged for ten years as her H kept calling it off and back on again).

I was meant to get married this year but we put it off til next year as dad had said he'd like an extra year to save. So how is that selfish? We're also not being as extravagant as she was with her wedding. My dress is half the price etc etc.

She said that everything is always my fault as no one is ever nasty to me unjustly. So I said 'oh so you havn't been nasty to me once whilst I've been pregnant or when I had the baby have you not?' and the next thing she was screaming and shouting about IVF and how I could never understand how awful it is etc etc. She wouldn't listen when I was trying to explain that I'm not saying anything about that, I'm just saying she hasn't made an effort to come and see my son for ten minutes since he was a week old and she ruined my pregnancy when it should have been a happy time as DP thought he couldn't have children. She just kept screaming about the IVF and how they're so badly done to and how I got pregnant after 2 weeks and she was devastated, and she couldn't help but not want anything more to do with me etc etc.

THEN her H starts yelling in the background 'if she's bringing this much it'll get fucking bigger than this. Seriously, it's bigger than just this now.' blah blah blah. So I hung up.

I don't want their negative influence in our lives any longer. He's a horrible man. He yelled at my mum in the middle of asda 2 days after her mum died. My sister ignored me when i brought that up. He's manipulated the family and everyone in it hates him, but tries to keep him happy because he mentally abuses my sister and they don't want her to pick him and never bother with us again.

I'm done with it though. He's ruled the family for too long. I don't know who he thinks he is. He wouldn't let my sister speak to my mum for 3 weeks when I got pregnant as he blamed my mum (how??) and he was checking her messages to make sure there was no contact.

My sister also started slagging off my DP on the phone, and she said about my son 'well he hasn't been in hospital for 10 weeks has he?' like he's not important.

She also said that i need to look at myself because everything's my fault, and when i said I'd been making an effort with her she said 'well yes I'd noticed that I have actually ENJOYED spending a bit of time with you since the girls have been born.' She said it as though it was outrageous to enjoy spending time with me. She's always quick to tell me I'm a horrible person and that I'm the evil member of the family.

But most of all, I hate that her DP got involved.

So I'm cutting them out of our lives.

AIBU?

Well done if you read this far.

I think you should let things drift and then try and resume things when her twins and your DS are about 2 or 3. Baby issues will be behind you and these 3 toddlers should love to play together.

In the meantime, I would stay away from her, unless you are invited. I am saying this in the hope that in 3 years time, she will have healed a bit from the horrific ordeal that she has gone through to have kids. During this ordeal, I can understand that she's been horrible to you and if things are to move forward, you will have to try and forgive her for it. I imagine your parents have also been suffering and they also need the space to heal from it. All of them have considered you and your life to be secondary during this time and I don't necessarily think that is OK, but it is a fairly human reaction.

Her DH may be horrible - she may need your friendship in the future.

So, don't cut off contact, enjoy planning your wedding.

Sorry but you need a larg cup of grow the fuck up. Your sister has other priorities apart from placating you all the time. If you can't get on with her, then reduce contact with her, but making some grand gesture of cutting her out of your life is just more drama-queen grandstanding and will upset your poor parents (who must be sick to death of the pair of you and your juvenile petty squabbling and endless Waaaah!-It's-Not-Faaaaaair behaviour). Try getting on with your own life, which doesn;t sound too bad, and let your sister get on with hers.

Wildly disparate posts here, either supportive or condemning. I suspect the truth lies somewhere in between.

Yes, her DH sounds deeply unpleasant and hurtful but equally you seem unwilling to recognised that your sister has been through/ is going through a situation which would have left most people in pieces.

Yes, sometimes you and your needs have been overlooked on occasion but equally you seem to have plenty of own petulantly foot-stamping demands (I mean, seriously, dragging your mum wedding dress shopping when her mother's just died and being surprised that both her and your sister are less than charmed with it... if you'd been my sister I'd have gone up the wall with you).

What is clear, to me at least, is that neither of you are blameless in this and that each of you (at least you) read an awful lot into very little before reacting disproportionately. I honestly feel really sorry for your parents who sounds like they're doing their level best to hold together the kids they love but whom seem to be doing their best to rip the family apart. I would bear them in mind before taking any grand-standing gestures that might cause them any more pain at an already difficult time.

Goodness me, what a post.
Have read it all.
I think rather than cut them off completely, you just need to accept that they are who they are , and let them go.
Sounds like you and Dp are good together. Maybe you need to back off from your parents, and your sister and her DH.
Not cut them off altogether. But just reconcile yourself to the fact that you will let them in your lives, less.
Very hurtful.
But then the whole story is.
There is very little evidence of love and support , from anyone, TO YOU.
Really sad.

Hurrah for Madamez! She says all that is needed so succinctly.
As a family you do sound very much in each others pockets considering you dont really get on, and you and your sister are still vying for parental attention as if you are 12 years old. Back off a bit and stop re-living old slights (or imagined slights). Concentrate on and enjoy your new baby son.

phew - i thought i wrote epic posts!!!

I don't think you should make a big thing out of "cutting them out", just don't have anything to do with them. Let it drift. It sounds like your sister is jealous and wants to be the centre of attention and her DP sounds controlling and manipulative. If my DP shouted at my mother i would have slapped his face .

I don't have anyh siblings so its hard for me to advise, but it does seem that there is always competition and bickering. So you are not alone.

ok i haven't read any of this except the title BUT

I once stopped speaking to my sister for 18 years - yes really. It was about something that at the time seemed completely monumental. But then my mum was dying and we kind of couldn't ignore each other for those few months and now we are friends again.

She doesn't remember the 'incident' and has none the less apologised big time.

I wish I hadn't wasted those 18 years of stubborn-ness - missed out on her 3 boys and everything.

So all I would say is, take deep breath and think long and hard. Do you really want to cut your flesh and blood out of your life?
good luck

Thanks to everyone who has written well thought out replies to help the situation- whether in favour of me or my sister.

Those who have said unecessarily harsh things and name calling have made me finally decide as I was on the brink of anyway, not to come on mumsnet again.

So many on here are very understanding, helpful and open minded, but it seems to me that a fair few are just genuinely horrible people looking for an opportunity to put people down.

Sometimes people have genuinely lost sight of reason and need to use mumsnet as a tool to put down how they feel and get their head together, and gain a little perspective, without being jumped on and treated like filth all the time. Mostly those who have little support network around them. Let's face it, having a new baby can be a very lonely time.

Well thanks all. I won't be back. Not even to read replies to this.

OK

Oh, ok, well, as my reply was both well thought out and did not attack you then you're welcome

Bye.

so because not everyone has agreed with you you accuse those that haven't of name calling and nastyness and now you're leaving mn?

Do you always walk away when you don't get your own way?

I see no nastyness and definitely no name calling. some have said you are being unreasonable but that's all.

So if you are not open to constructive criticism then tbh I think your family have a point and you clearly are a very me me me me person who has no consideration for others.

I revise my opinion - yabu.

Grow up.

WSS! ^ I have no respect for flouncers, sorry

Oh, I didn't mention this before as I was giving you the benefit of the doubt, but making your mother go wedding dress shopping the week her mother had died, wtf? She started shouting at you about nothing? Probably because she was in bits but absolutely nothng was allowed to get in the way of getting your perfect dress, not even her own mothers dress.

If it was that fricking important to get it done that week (and I don't buy that it couldn't have waited a couple of week, btw) then you should have gone without her.

Her own mother's death.

Sheesh I can't type when people make me angry.

When will posters learn. If you want support go to the relevant section relationships, parenting etc.

If you ask for an opinion, don't moan when it isn't the same as your own

I remember your previous posts abut trials with your sister.

I stand by what I said then and will urge you to grow up. I also want to agree what others have said about feeling sorry for your parents stuck in the middle of such petulant behaviour.

Sorry you don't like it, but you've had the same responses from other MNers on this thread and the many others you've posted on the same topic. Perhaps it's time to follow the advice.

I waded through the OP only to fidn she'd flounced !

fwiw agree with Beetroot et al. Just naturally distance yourself from your sister and her family, no formal announcement or such childishness, and focus on your wedding and own family unit. Seems to have worked up until now. I assume you are expecting family to travel to abroad for if your father is paying and that and insensitivity of timing in going wedding dress shopping, which really could have waited no matter what the shop said, does seem selfish.

At the very least you and your sister appear to be as bad as eachother. My advice was hopefully not rude. You have to accept that you are not going to get a load of people completely on your side when you post in AIBU.

i think both being unreasonable as it seems to be alot of me me me on both sides without considering each others feelings

resentment is a great thing as we always resent the other without actually understanding how tough it really is on them as we put our own feelings first

you sound very alike which often causes clashes as you both feel your feelings are not met by the other

try and let it be in the past and start again you both had children and family losses at same time both had problems with children at same time and probably both feel were not there enough for each other

but this can be your new start communicate more so you know exactly how each other are feeling as i think in 7 yrs ivf and you knew nothing would mean your not perticually close

break the ice sit down talk and tell your sis how much you care how you dont like not being close and let this be the new beginning for you both

i say this as have been in similar situation thinking other didnt care eputting my feelings first and not realising my sis had bigger problems she felt she couldnt come to me about and now were not best of friends but we are closer and do talk but stop thinking the other doesnt care as we both know we dont have to be centre of attention qwe both have our own families and we both know we care

i hope you can resolve things and the past is the past and thats where it belongs move forward together

oh bollocks, I read all that, and you've buggered off!! Feel robbed now.

Yes some people say things that are sometimes rude and unthoughtful, but when you ask for their opinion its that what you get, good or bad. But just in case you havent completely flounced out of cyber world, shes had a hard time, and has acted like a spoilt brat, her husband is probably in her ear all the time, whispering his nasty remarks, so she probably will need to know you are there if she needs you. Try to rise above it say I,m not getting involved,and carry on with a normal as you can manage relationship. Tensions are high, babies, death, jesus, no wonder everyone is stressed.

Ps, Dont flounce they will only bite harder!

I feel sad for the OP's sister. I remember when I was ttc, and every time I got my period I felt so let down, and it only took us three months. I cannot imagine 7 years worth of that.
My own sister has been ttc for about 2 yrs now, going through fertility testing etc, possible treatments... its a minefield. She dotes on my dd, but I do worry about how she would feel if I got pg again, esp if it didnt take long.

Ok, ok, I've come back, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have flounced off.

Been a bad time for us all. Nana's just died and I used to live with her. She was the nicest woman ever, had a very deep faith in God, and none of us can get through half a day without crying our eyes out.

I've got PND, a new baby, my DP is working like mad to make ends meet and I'm lonely as my friends don't have babies and arn't interested and seem to think I've fobbed them off because I can't go out anymore as I have the baby 24/7 and he doesn't sleep at all really.

I know my sister's had a hard time. I've tried a million times to talk things through with her and I've asked her if we can be closer. That's why I've tried to make the effort to be in her life. But it's too destructive, so I think slowly disappearing is the answer. And the general opinion on here. The thing is, even though we're not close anymore, she always declares that we are, and that we're so lucky to be the family we are etc etc, and she tries to get involved in certain things as well. But really, she doesn't like me. I can tell. And he certainly doesn't because I've stuck up for her against him too many times. I'm just an obstacle to him. And she infuriates me staying with him when he's the most malicious person ever. At the end of the day, it's not much of a loss to either of us, as much as she'd like to think it is.

And yes, I am a cow. I've been self absorbed and fed up and tired and angry and miserable. There's been a lot more going on that what I've said on here. Far too much to get it all down, my post was long enough as it is. DPs family are absolutely astonished at things her and her H have said and done, it's been disgraceful. Take my word for it on that.

Anyway, the general opinion on here is that I'm the bitch so I guess I am.

But one thing I DO want putting straight for the record, is that I DID NOT force my mum to come dress shopping with me. I would do no such thing. I HAD to get my dress before 1st August, the shop said that was the absolute latest even when I explained the circumstances. So I was going with my best friend and my SIL-to-be, but mum pleaded to go and said she wouldn't miss it for the world. I cancelled three times and made it later, but I couldn't make it any later than that appointment. She came along and had a really good day which my sister is jealous about as she wanted to come too but couldn't as she had appointments with the twins. My mum broke down and started yelling at me randomly when we got home from the dress shopping. We were getting all ecited about tiaras and looking on the internet one second, the next she was in a state. Yes, she has every right because her mum's just died. i didn't receive it well as my nana has just died. It's sorted now, but sis keeps going on about how I should have left the dress shopping until Next january... which is impossible... and I don't know why she's so adamant about it when both me and mum have explained what the shop told us.

I might be classed as a spoilt brat, petulent, horrible and a bitch on here, but I would NEVER force mum to go dress shopping with me when nana has just died. Or at all for that matter. I love my mum to bits.

Anyway, this clearly was the wrong category to post in, and not a good time to post when I'm so upset. I know better now.

I think it would be helpful to change the way you see them. You see them as one big group. Separate them.

For a start, your family is your dp and your kids. The rest are just relatives, you owe them nothing. Stop seeing your mum, dad, sister and bil as one unit. They are not. They are 2 separate families. Deal with one or the other, but stop lumping them together. See your mum and dad, don't see your sister if you can't get along. tell her that you think it's best, since she obviously has a huge problem with you, that you keep some distance between the two of you. Simple.

Message withdrawn

not everyone thinks you are a bitch

Many have suggested youwalk away from this situation without making a drama out of it, without announcing you are breaking off all contact.

Distance yourself.

It is so refreshing!