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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel completely hacked off with DH and his work?

23 replies

jemimapotts · 20/07/2008 20:40

Since last monday DH worked away 5 days and nights. He got back at 10pm on friday, was here friday and saturday night and left again at 2pm today. He will be back tommorrow night at 10pm.
We have 3 DC 3,6 and 8. School broke up last tuesday and already I feel on the verge of collapse. We go on holiday on friday for 2 weeks.
I just phoned him up to say if this working away is continue then I want him to find another job. I can't take being on my own so much. It's too hard. He got really cross with me. This happens once every 6 months or so, and feels terrible when we have this discussion as neither of us seems to want to hear the others annoyance.

What do you think though? Only 2 nights out of 7 at home when you have 3 DC is not good is it?

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 20/07/2008 20:45

Is he the main or only earner? If so then cut him some slack, it doesn't sound like much fun for him either. And it may not be as easy as "get another job".

I know it's hard and I wouldn't wnat to be at home alone with 3 (or any number actually!) children for extended periods but I think you should both sit down and discuss constructively what you can do to change things. eg

you get a job too so you're not at home alone all the time
he goes part time, you work full time/part time
he sah, you work ft (we did this for a while)
you pay for some help (cleaner, mothers help)
He applies for flexible working/compressedf hours
he changes jobs
you downshift so he can work nearer home
he gets promoted so he can work less hours (in some ways the more senior you are the easier it is to get slack when you need it)

or some combination of the above. Hard to say without knowing more of your circumstances.

mazzystar · 20/07/2008 20:45

I totally sympathise - I hate dh being away.
But I think its an issue best tackled when you are
a. both together
b. not each experiencing the stress that his being away causes - I bet its not a bed of roses for him either

Whether you are being unreasonable or not depends on whether its realistic for him to find another job; whether there are other ways of your getting some support when he is away - a cleaner, mother's help/local teenager etc; and how much of an active role he palys when he is around

Fimbo · 20/07/2008 20:53

My dh is in a job where this type of situation happens frequently. My ds misses him dreadfully and I often have tears at bedtime or first thing in the morning because all he wants is daddy. It is heartbreaking.

I am often left pacing the floor on the night before we go on holiday as he has "just one more email" to send.

I have done the crying down the phone to him, slamming the phone down, him being cross with me. Yes it is hard for him too but even harder when he is not there to see a 4 year old sobbing his heart out.

I laughed at this comment from WWW - he gets promoted so he can work less hours (in some ways the more senior you are the easier it is to get slack when you need it) - my dh couldn't be anymore senior and there is no way he could cut any slack.

My dh could get another job but it would mean moving to London and life probably wouldn't be any better than it is now.

You have my sympathies.

Original poster

jemimapotts · 20/07/2008 20:54

Yes I'm a SAHM and he hates being away. I just feel really oppressed ATM. It's doing everything at home while he's away that gets me down. DD starts school in January so it's probably time for me to head back to work.
His earning potential far exceeds mine.
Things will probably seem so much better after 2 weeks away on holiday. I think we are all just worn out.
Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 20/07/2008 20:55

Fimbo there are plenty of people on mn who are in senior jobs and agree that in some ways the more senior you are the easier it gets. Ok, so your dh isn't one of them, doesn';t mean it isn't sometimes the case.

AbbeyA · 20/07/2008 20:57

How easy would it be for him to find another job? Would it be easy for him to find a job where he doesn't go away? I think you have to sit down when you are both relaxed to discuss it-perhaps when you are on holiday.

Fimbo · 20/07/2008 20:57

I would love to know the companies they work for WWW. My dh works for a major global insurance company.

WideWebWitch · 20/07/2008 20:58

Fimbo, I do know some of them and I know the companies they work for. Global players, professional women, six figure salaries...it's all posted here somewhere.

Fimbo · 20/07/2008 21:02

It just wouldn't work for my dh's job. Think I will need to search the archives and hunt out a new job for him!

Original poster

jemimapotts · 20/07/2008 21:02

Fimbo. I could have written your post. Part of the problem is the DC hate him being away and are more emotionally needy, and vent their crossness about him being away onto eachother and me! It's tiring having to try to get them to be nice to eachother and compliant.
Deep down I know DH is trying his hardest. I suppose I feel cross with his work, as none of his colleagues have small children, and there seems an expectation that DH can just go away at the drop of a hat all the time like the rest of the team. It must be horrible for DH to be caught in the middle.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 20/07/2008 21:05

I do sympathise too JP, it's no fun being alone with children who miss a parent. I worked away for 6 months while dh worked ft oth AND dealt with 2 children and school/nursery and I know he found it very very tough. We only did it for six months.

Fimbo · 20/07/2008 21:09

Its a very very similar situation JP.

My dh has just been lead in a project that has taken 6 months and taken him all over the world. I know dh feels caught, my anger isn't with him, its with his company and what is expected of him. I have had previous occasions when he just hasn't come home at all. Or he has told me he would be home the previous evening but not reappeared until 4/5 days later. He never sleeps well in hotels either and is shattered.

I am supportive and do work myself, its my dc who don't understand. My ds is only 4.

Original poster

jemimapotts · 20/07/2008 21:20

That sounds really hard Fimbo. At least my DH can let me know how long he'll be away for. It would drive me over the edge if I was all ready for him to return, then he didn't.
I find it hard to talk to friends about as it seems like I am going on about how hard it all is. I know we are really lucky that he has a well paid, secure job so I don't have to work.
It's been like this for a couple of years though and the feeling of isolation and hard grind tends to take it's toll.

OP posts:

Fimbo · 20/07/2008 21:26

I do admit to being jealous of my friend though sometimes. Her dh works 8 until 4 and they have never been apart with exception of child birth since they got married 12 years ago.

jammi · 20/07/2008 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

smartiejake · 20/07/2008 22:31

My DH has this crazy job in the city. It's got so crazy that since easter he actually lives in a flat the city during the week and comes home at weekends. It makes very little difference to my dds as he went out long before they were up and rarely got back before they were in bed.

I absolutely bloody hate it. I am stuck indoors all night every night. He gets to go out all the time (mostly with clients but it's still sociable.)

I can't go out as I my mum is very ill and my MIL would not be prepared to babysit on a regular basis.

I can't do the evening class I used to enjoy and I am completely lonely (which is why I spend so much time on MN in the evenings)

I work part time as a teacher of the deaf which I love. We live in a great house, can afford private education for the dds, have lots of holidays but I am so fed up. We have a family life at the weekends but I am really beginning to wonder whether it's all worth it.

I feel for you.

pedilia · 20/07/2008 22:34

DH works away Mon- fri, we have 4 dc's ranging from 4 weeks-7 years so I can sympathise

mumblechum · 20/07/2008 22:37

It's just one of those phases you have to go through.

When dh was climbing up the greasy pole, he worked away for 4 years Mon-Fri. Our eldest ds was severely disabled, I worked p/t as a lawyer and basically I was a single parent for many years.

The less you expect them to do domestically while they're working 100 hours a week, the happier everyone will be. When things were that tough for us I had a cleaner, gardener and part time nanny, or we would all have really struggled.

Now dh is at the top of his game (VP in one of the biggest companies in the world) and he works 9 to 5, and never at weekends.

My advice to you would be not to expect anything of your husband, but to arrange for you to get the domestic support you need for these tough years, because they won't last forever.

Hope your holiday makes you feel relaxed and rested.

cocolepew · 20/07/2008 22:43

My DH leaves the house at6.30 and gets homw at 8.30. He doesn't see our youngest DD until the weekend. He gets paid just over £6 p.h. Why is it so hard for you if it only happens twice a year? Or do you mean you row about it twice a year?

daffodill6 · 20/07/2008 22:43

i'm not military but work in industry for the navy.. lots of military types are away months at a time without the city salaries???

Sidge · 20/07/2008 23:09

My DH is away for months, not days and I have 3 children, one with SN so I know how hard it is.

If it's going to become a regular feature then you need to work out how best to cope with it, whether that means getting a cleaner, finding a mothers help to help you with the children, summer activity clubs etc.

Make sure you have something planned for each day and when your DH is home, try not to waste the time doing boring housey things. Go out with the children instead!

MrsJohnCusack · 20/07/2008 23:15

it is about deciding what works for the whole family

some people are OK with the situation you describe, some aren't - there's not an awful lot of point comparing yourself with other peoople really as it's what works for YOU and OK some people manage fine in similar situations but that doesn't really help you much

you need to talk about it, and not when you're both angry/knackered/cross like you are at the moment - at a neutral time when you are both calm and can talk about it sensible - NOT in an argument on the phone. Then maybe you can work out the actual problems because it might not actually be the job and the hours.

I'm the child of a father who worked away a lot of the time for YEARS and I know my mother found it very hard - but we are all OK from it and we all knew why he was doing it. The biggest reason it hard for her was that she didn't really have much say in it all and they never sorted out things like proper access to the bank accounts and things for ages. We all knew she hated it and it could be very awkward, but this was mainly because we knew she resented the way it was done, not really becasue of the job

sabire · 21/07/2008 05:44

My dh is out 12 hours a day and I know how hard it is.

I feel like a single parent a lot of the time and I know my dh blames me for our children's shortcomings: I'm the one at home with them all the time, and if they're rude and difficult then it must be my fault.

Wish I could afford a nanny/gardener/decorator. It makes you resent their work even more when you're living in domestic chaos because your partner doesn't have time to decorate or do the garden and you're too exhausted from looking after small children.

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