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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my children the truth about MIL ??

26 replies

TakeMeHome · 20/07/2008 15:48

My husband has always had a bit of a rocky relationship with his parents, but it finally came to a head a few weeks ago and they finally told him what they thought of him and me and said a few mean things about the kids too!!

Husband and I are not bothered about seeing them again, and we don't want them to see our children either. They live quite far away so we won't ever bump into them, but I'm wondering what to tell the kids when they ask about seeing Nanna and Gramps again?

Should I ignore the question (they are 6 and 7) or tell them the truth?

Advice please !

OP posts:
SSSandy2 · 20/07/2008 15:49

give it some time and wait before you say anything to the dc

FabioUnblogged · 20/07/2008 15:50

.

Thisismynewname · 20/07/2008 15:50

Wow, that sounds awful. I'm sorry.

Are you both absolutely certain that you don't want anything more to do with them? Are they at all bearable/good with the DC? Just wondered if it might be best not to burn all your bridges, but obviously don't know the situation or what was said.

juneybean · 20/07/2008 15:51

Hmm speaking from experience it's important for your DC's to form their own opinion of their grandparents and maybe now is not the best time, perhaps wait until they are older?

Original poster
TakeMeHome · 20/07/2008 15:54

Thisismynewname - I always thought they were good with the dc, but it seems from what MIL said recently that it's all been a bit untrue!

Juneybean - I know they should be left to form own opinions, that's good advice. I just wondered what I should tell them meanwhile to explain why we are not going to visit them, IFSWIM ?

OP posts:
milknosugar · 20/07/2008 15:56

how often do you go? is it a regular day? if not i would be tempted to just stall and they will prob forget (how awful does that sound). if they ask just say something like 'yes it has been a while' or 'we will see'.

umberella · 20/07/2008 15:59

Erm, I wouldn't tell your kids the nsty things their GPs said about them under ANY circumstances. I would think that could be pretty damaging tbh.

Very difficult for you. How mean to say nasty things about their GC.

FabioUnblogged · 20/07/2008 16:00

.

bellavita · 20/07/2008 16:02

DH's mum fell out with us. DS's were about 3 and 5.5 at the time, so a bit younger than yours. They are now 11 and nearly 9 and have never ever mentioned their "other grandma".

The DS's got a photo album out the other day and there was a picture of his mum holding DS2, but they just looked at it and then turned the page to the next one. My heart was in my mouth wondering if they were going to ask who it was but they didn't - phew.

I would of course told them the truth had they asked who it was.

Nighbynight · 20/07/2008 16:49

Ouch. We are in similar situation with my parents. the children do not forget, I am afraid.
I cant stomach my parents opinions about us though, so there it stays.

crokky · 20/07/2008 17:00

TakeMeHome - my advice would be to not actually break contact by saying something like "we are never going to see you again" or something to that effect. Instead I would just let things drift - don't make much of an effort to contact them or visit, but if they visit you, just tolerate it and try and be civil. It will be only a handful of days a year, if that. Send Christmas cards etc. Family rifts are difficult so if you just make sure there is no actual permanent rift, just very infrequent contact, things will be easier in the long term. Let them say what they like, it has no impact on your life. That way, your DC will know who they are and you won't have a rift to explain. Just my opinion! Also, just another consideration - does DH have any siblings? What sort of terms are they on with PILs? Do they have any kids who are cousins to your kids? If yes, all the more reason just to be civil on the odd occasion you have to tolerate PILs. I do know how you feel. My father berates me and DH and everything we do seems to be wrong! But I don't want to tell my kids (only toddler and baby) that I have seen fit to cut my own father out of my life. So I'm just going to let things ride.

Original poster
TakeMeHome · 20/07/2008 17:06

Thanks everyone, all good advice. It is a hard situation, but at the end of the day, it is my dc that I'm more worried about than the GP! Think I will just "let it ride" and see what they say.

OP posts:
Hecate · 20/07/2008 17:57

They said horrible things about your kids? That would be it for me. Done, end of, forever. IMO, that is one of very few things that once done, mean there is no way forward with someone, irrespective of who they are. Sometimes, someone behaves in a way that means they forfit any right to be in your life. Insulting your kids is number one on that list!

gagarin · 20/07/2008 18:00

I really liked my grandfather but he was a terribel dad to my mum so she couldn't stand it that I liked him!

IMO you should just let it drift and leave your dcs to make their own relationship with them in the future.

Don't pass opinion on them. Your dcs are too young to deal with that. Just leave it.

AbbeyA · 20/07/2008 18:17

I agree with gagarin.

Original poster
TakeMeHome · 20/07/2008 18:29

They've just asked me if they can ring GP !!

I fobbed them off by saying they were not at home today. What should I say when they ask next time??

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 20/07/2008 18:32

Are they fond of the GPs?-if so it seems a bit sad to stop the relationship.

HonoriaGlossop · 20/07/2008 18:44

next time, say yes. I can't see why not...keeping telephone or even letter (e-mail?) contact sounds a REALLY good way round this for now.

If this were me I would write, e-mail, or something just to make clear to the GP's that whatever has happened between the adults does not affect your children's right to have grandparents, so you are actively going to encourage contact. It doesn't have to be huge amounts, just what the kids want basically.

gagarin · 20/07/2008 18:56

Let them! Why would you stop them?

AbbeyA · 20/07/2008 19:19

I can't see why your poor relationship with them has to affect your DCs, especially if they have a happy relationship with them.

Nighbynight · 20/07/2008 19:22

gagarin - because if you maintain contact via the children, it can be manipulated by your parents. They can get their own back on you via your children, with a series of mean, petty little gestures, designed to show your children just how low in the pecking order they are. Am I speaking from personal experience? - yes.
Let them phone, even visit - but monitor the situation closely.

AbbeyA · 20/07/2008 19:24

Stopping contact with grandparents seems pretty manipulative of the parents-if you have a disagreement there is no need to expect DCs to take sides.

Thisismynewname · 20/07/2008 19:35

Perhaps you could tell us what was said and why you are stopping contact anyway and then we can decide if YABU with respect to that, which will make it easier to answer the question with respect to the dc.

TinkerBellesMum · 20/07/2008 19:44

I wouldn't want someone who didn't like my child looking after her. I don't really get on with some of her fathers family or my brothers partner, but at the end of the day they love her and are her family so I don't stop them seeing her. However, if they were telling me or TBD that they didn't like her (or whatever) I wouldn't want them being around her.

Nighbynight · 20/07/2008 19:46

Problem is, it isn't a neutral situation in most cases. The children cant simply pop in to see their GPs independently of their parents.

In our case, we'd have to spend 1000 euros (or more), and Id have to take the children there and pick them up - there isnt even a bus or train.