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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to HATE when women say "all men are bastards"??

22 replies

LoopyLoz · 19/07/2008 13:45

My friend is going through (another!) break up and she is understandably feeling a bit fed up but what really pisses me off is when she says things like "all men are bastards" and "don't think you're settled, cos he's a man so he WILL break your heart!"... I lost it today cos my man happens to be a bloody good one. So I snapped "have you ever thought it's you?!!" and she walked out of my house and haven't heard from her.

Have I overstepped the mark?

OP posts:

mazzystar · 19/07/2008 13:47

Maybe not the most sensitive thing to say.

posieflump · 19/07/2008 13:48

she is obviously going through it and you rubbing her nose in your perfect relationship isn't the most tactful way to carry on surely?

BetteNoire · 19/07/2008 13:49

Yes.
And no.

She's clearly upset, and probably just wanted a rant.

But........ I agree with you that the "all men are bastards" chant is irritating.

And she was out of order to comment on your relationship.

She'll probably calm down and realise that she went to far.

Maybe you can apologise to each other when the dust has settled?

cory · 19/07/2008 13:49

Maybe not, mazzy, but what if it had been a man who went on about all women being slags or harpies or whatever? Wouldn't you have quite liked it if one of his mates came up with a similar put-down?

TheFallenMadonna · 19/07/2008 13:49

In this situation, yes.

Alambil · 19/07/2008 13:50

yes, you overstepped the mark! But I can see why.

I was talking to "bloke" (new friend) last night on MSN and he said my trust in men must be at an all-time low because I was abused recently. I said:

One man doesn't ruin the species.

She's just had a collection of "one man" - but you're right... it's not ALL men by a long shot.

I can see why you did it, but perhaps not the wisest timing!

Alambil · 19/07/2008 13:51

"one man being an a-hole doesn't ruin the species" I meant

theyoungvisiter · 19/07/2008 13:52

um, yes! I think you may have.

Of course it's annoying when people make generalisations which are blatantly not true - but have you ever thought that the reason she's probably saying this is because she's well aware that you've got an extremely nice bloke and that makes her feel doubly crap and alone?

Of course in her heart of hearts she knows that all men aren't bastards - otherwise she'd never date again - but telling herself so during hard times is a way of saving her self-esteem - her bitter half will already be whispering in her ear that is is all her own fault - and having you say that out loud must have been a complete slap in the face and a blow to her probably already rock-bottom self-esteem.

If you've got a really nice bloke that makes it worse for her, and means you should be nicer to her rather than the reverse.

I am lucky enough to be married to an incredible man who loves and supports me through and through - when friends are having hard times it only makes me reflect how doubly lucky I am - I certainly wouldn't take their moaning as a personal reflection on my DH or try to make their situation harder.

Sorry, I realise this is probably not what you want to hear but you did ask.

Original poster

LoopyLoz · 19/07/2008 13:52

I see what you're saying, but I'm standing in my kitchen, feeding my 11 month old, and she makes some remark about how I shouldn't feel settled cos my dp is going to walk out on us one day - I just snapped.

OP posts:

wabbit · 19/07/2008 13:53

No no you've not overstepped the mark (she sounds a bit toxic to me)
I have had 4 years of a friend behaving in this way, each time she was let down by a man the same mantra was spouted. "all men are bastards"

I would protest, but didn't have any hard evidence (other than citing my lovely brothers who are to a man, faithful and loving to their wives)
Beginning of this year I found a Truely Lovely Man for myself...
Bloody friend kept sniping about how she and X Y or Z had been 'just like me and new man... and then look what happened'

I dumped her. She was a user. She was toxic. I'm better off! (Oh and Yes, it was always her imo!! )

theyoungvisiter · 19/07/2008 13:55

well I think you would be entitled to say "look just because you are having a hard time, please don't run down my DP, it doesn't help you know."

But I don't think that helping to crush her even further is going to improve matters or make her more considerate in the future.

Original poster

LoopyLoz · 19/07/2008 14:00

I agree wabbit, she said it to make me feel like she did, she is always negetive, when I got pregant with ds it was a huge shock and she was so unsupportive but i forgave her, it's like she takes her shit out on me just cos she's not got a man of her own. Maybe I shouldn't have said it but believe me, I've bit my tongue on more than a million ocassions. I'll apologise just to settle it

OP posts:

combustiblelemon · 19/07/2008 14:06

You could always apologise by saying that what you meant was maybe it's the type of men she tends to pick. You know, an 'apology that I didn't make myself clear' apology.

wabbit · 19/07/2008 14:09

Loopy - Apologise if you must, but with conditions. Explaining how you feel about her will put your friendship in a much healthier place.

theyoungvisiter · 19/07/2008 14:11

well maybe if she's a crap friend full stop then you need to think about whether it's worth rebuilding the bridge?

If she's a good friend and this was just a dark moment for her then make the apology - you can always apologise but at the same time explain that the reason you snapped was because she really hurt your feelings - hopefully if she knows she's hurt you she will lay off your DP in future.

mazzystar · 19/07/2008 20:27

ok, changed my mind on this one slightly, she was being wholly insensitive to your feelings, and you couldn't let it go unchallenged.

I have a mate like this, chronically and repeatedly unlucky in love. And yes, she wants to rant and she enjoys being a doom-sayer. I just let it wash over me. She probably needs someone to say "have you ever thought it's you?" to her too, but I think its about picking the moment.

elmoandella · 19/07/2008 20:48

i have a kinda similar situation. my dh 's mate wife is always having a go because they go out to play cards 2 nights a week. she is constantly saying they're bad dh's coz they dont stay in the house every night.

i love it when he goes out as i get the house to myself. not to mention i get to star fish in the bed.

but it's like she's trying to get me to stop dh going out as that will stop hers.

i cracked when she bad mouthed both my dh and hers for it one time. we didn't talk for ages. she eventually came round and i made it quite clear i wouldn't stand for bad mouthing of my mans actions when there was nothing wrong with them imo.

she had been going on and on for years. i had been sensitive in my answers for all that time.

perhaps you had come to that point also.

she's been good as gold on that front since.

Original poster

LoopyLoz · 21/07/2008 16:58

Ladies, I apologised and she said "no I was unfair" and I just said well yeah but so was I. I then mentioned how it isn't my fault she hasn't got a bloke and I have, and she will find a bloke who makes her happy soon enough but she has to stop knocking what I have just to make herself feel better and she apologised and said she is insecure and lonely and a bit bitter.

Had a good chat and think she realises men aren't ALL bastards - some are! But not all.

Thanks for your comments x

OP posts:

MrsTiddles · 21/07/2008 17:28

before I got to the end of your initial post I was thinking - its the friend - and then you said it (that you'd said it)

the truth hurts sometimes but it may help her in the long run

mumblesmummy · 21/07/2008 17:46

Ooo that is a little insensitive, but then she was insensitive towards you too, saying that he'll break your heart. I hate it when people say bad things about 'all men' the same as they do about 'all women'.

I happen to have a gem of a DP myself. Though I appreciate that some people havn't found their gem yet, and might never find one.

There are plenty of male arseholes, and plenty of women arseholes. Thank God for the good few.

crazymummy84 · 21/07/2008 20:06

Glad you've sorted it out Loopy.

wabbit · 21/07/2008 22:29

Hiya loopy... sounds like you've got your friendship back on track

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