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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that is kind of discrimination and to be quite p****d off about it all?

94 replies

3andnomore · 18/07/2008 11:13

Well, I suppose first you all would have to know what it is all about...anyhow, here goes...

my ds3 is going to start school in September and he will possibly be one of the youngest, as he only turns 4 in a few weeks time (hence me being possibly a bit worrired about it more then I was, say with my ds2)...!
Because the nursery that is directly attached to the school is, imo, not a particular good one and also because ds3 is a very sensitive child and he was used to his Nursery, which he visited once he had turned 2 I kept him at the Nursery which he was used too. It was a more suitable environment in my opinion. Well, he always went in the mornings and no one at school asked ask us or anything (but they did ask in the Nursery itself, which told them). However, after the Holidays he is for the first 2 weeks, when they are having their part time period in reception placed into the afternoon session, because they already have to many Kids in the morning session. Because, the children that visited the schools own nursery are basically prioritized to stay in the session time which they already did whilst in nursery(this means the afternoon group only consist of something like 7 children and about 18 are int he morning session).
And I believe that is discriminating against all the Kids that, for whatever reason, did not go to that schools nursery. These parents actually were asked if maybe they would consider to change into afternoons for that period, I was never consulted about this. And, yes, I do take issue with that.
Now, I went yesterday and spoke to the Headmistress( is that what you call a female headmaster?) about this and came out more fuming then I went in, tbh...but I hope I hid it well enough, but it gave me a sleepness night, as I was mulling over our conversation, which was NOT to succesful.
Basically I told her, that in the light of my childs young age I think it would be a bit confusing if he suddenly goes afternoons, especially as we obviously take ms in the mornings to school....she said: oh he won't even notice as he is to little, and also, that I was just going to have to tell him why he can't go in the mornings....(o.k. I thought....not a particular satisfactory answer....). She thinks it's not confusing and also really NOT that important at all.
SO, I said, but if it isn't so important, why is such great care taken to keep the children that attendet your own nursery in the same session time? She didn't really answer this question, it was more a because it's how it is...(not very satisfactory neither, imo)....So, I said, that I believe that that is discriminating against children that have not visited the schools own nursery....she denied it was discrimination and just said that, those children of course are prioritized because they are already part of the school by being in that Nursery and that all schools do that. (It's still discrimination all teh same, imo!). She then went on that, as my child is sensitive anyway, he would be better off at the smaller afternoon group as it would settle him more easily, and the teacher will have more time (and said child was at that moment hanging on me, because he was bored and wanted attention and also he picks up on my emotions and I felt very angry at that moment and she then said, I can see he needs a lot of attention....that pissed me off that little bit more) to which I said, indeed in that respect it will be nicer....however, the larger group, that already has bonded in nursery anyway , will have already have their own classgrouping and the smaller group will then have to join this larger cluster aswell as starting fulltime at the same time, so, might make that first full day more difficult....?
She went on to reassure me, how it wasn't important, and how it was only 2 weeks to which I said, possibly again, but if it isn't that important why is it so important to keep the schoolnurseries children in their timings, etc? I mean, surely it either matters or it doesn't....and if it matters then it should be respected for all children or if it doesn't matter, why not just make 2 equal sized groups anyway....and anyway, why can't they just do that and let each group experience mornings for 1 week and afternoons the other and vice versa?
I have no idea if this all made sense...but well, it really pisses me off....on many levels, probably more so, because the head of primary has a real problem with that private nursery on their grounds (she believes they are taking money from the school, by keeping children away from their nursery after they turned 3).
Not sure what I can do about it, as obviously she is turning everything around anyway, whichever way it suits her argument....should I get in touch wiht the governers, and would it make a difference at all? Is it discriminating or is it just the way it is, i.e. this happens at all schools with attached nurseries?
Well, any thoughts on this?

OP posts:
gagamama · 18/07/2008 12:21

Of course it makes sense to keep the kids from the school's own nursery in the same slot - not so much for the sake of keeping their routines, but because they'll already have made friends in their nursery and if they split them up it would cause far more upset.

Surely it's better for your kid to be in the group where none of the kids know each other rather than the one where they've already made friends and he's the outsider? Especially as it's less than half the size?

I don't think you'll have done yourself any favours by going to the headteacher - I'm she'll have your cards marked already and your son hasn't even started yet.

ScottishMummy · 18/07/2008 12:28

i appreciate you are worried about DS but you are fortunate your child got a school nursery place

children are versatile and resilient.things that would irk us go totally over their head

so hope it goes well

this is an exciting opputunity to meet new children.have fun.increase confidence and skills

KatieScarlett2833 · 18/07/2008 12:33

Just let it goooooooooo.

katebee · 18/07/2008 12:53

I don't think its the end of the world for you to be offered the afternoon session as it is only for 2 weeks.

However, I would have thought the school should be making more effort to help the children mix with those not from their pre school groups...if there are say 50% of children from the school nursery and 50% from other nurseries if I were the Head I would invite some of each group to the morning and some of each to the afternoon so that the children not at the schools nursery are not left out.

However, my DSs school doesn't have a nursery attached so I am not familiar with this type of set up.

I would try not too worry too much anyway as your DC will soon get to know the rest of the children in his class. He will also get more attention from the teacher in the first 2 weeks if the group is smaller so in the end you may be glad to have the afternoon slot.

macdoodle · 18/07/2008 12:59

Sorry YABU and quite nasty IMO - what a horrible rant feel quite sorry for the head TBH....
Why on earth should some other child be penalised so you can have what you want for your precious child ughh - get a life and read some of these horrible stories of tru discrimination!
Its 2 weeks FGS and even if it wasn't boy are you overreacting - is this a precious last baby by any chance

HonoriaGlossop · 18/07/2008 13:01

It doesn't matter to your DS at ALL. So it's a non issue. For two weeks he will go to school in the afternoon. He is not comparing which nurseries people go to and whether they go in the morning or the afternoon. All that matters to him is that he has a happy start at school which is going to be less likely I would say if he witnesses tense interviews with the Head which leave his mum having sleepless nights. It just doesn't MATTER.

MsDemeanor · 18/07/2008 13:04

Boy are you overreacting. You are being madly unreasonable and of course it will be easier for your child to settle into a small group of 'new' children than a big crew who all know each other already.
And one thing I will say to you, you will do yourself no favours at all picking a fight with the school over something so utterly and completely petty and unimportant.
Don't sour the relationship before it even starts.
I know that your first child (or even subsequent children) starting school can be a very emotional time for parents, but don't get hysterical and upset everyone for no reason. After the first two weeks he will be there all day with everyone anyway and you will barely remember all this self-inflicted trauma.

MsDemeanor · 18/07/2008 13:06

Yes, you said this interview upset your son. Can't you see this is the worst possible introduction to school life! Don't make him associate school life with anger and rows with the head. He's too young for all that. He should be excited at having the morning with mummy then the afternoon at big school and then big school all the time with lots of new friends.

nooka · 18/07/2008 13:22

Minor minor issue. It's for two weeks! There is nothing wrong with having your child attend the nursery of your choice. I don't now why you are so defensive about that, but there are some (very minor) costs, and these are not getting first choice about the session, and knowing that some of the children will know each other already. Neither in the larger scheme of things matter very much. The only disadvantage I found was that it was harder for me to break into the circe of mums, who knew each other already. The children had no such problems. If your little one is going to find it tough then having a much smaller group to start with is a major advantage for him. You have made a ridiculous fuss about this by going to the headteacher (and why on earth did you take your ds with you), and no there is nothing more you can do about it, but try and put this down to anxiety about your son being so young when he starts school.

AbbeyA · 18/07/2008 13:27

I think that your DS will be much better off easing in gently with a small group than with a large group who already know each other.It is only for 2 weeks and when he has gained confidence he will be in with everyone else anyway. I expect the Head has done it for that reason-you can hardly expect her to move someone with a morning place just to fit you in.

piratecat · 18/07/2008 13:33

Is it just becuase it is more incovenient for your dc to go in the afternoon?

teacher is right, yuo will have to tell dc that that is what is happening.

also if you discused this al in front of the child, then it is not a good basis. Must have made your dc uncomfortable, and the head too.

The school/head is not responsible for making a new rule for your child. my dd went to a different pre school, and was the only kid who started school that day, and knew noone.

Yet sometimes you just have to get on with it, and give them that positive attitude. The more you worry, the more it will affect your dc.

theyoungvisiter · 18/07/2008 13:38

oo blimey I think you need to take a step back!

How on earth can it possibly matter whether he goes morning or afternoon?

It's certainly not discrimination at all - more about (IMO) ensuring that a group of children not familiar with each other and with the environment get special, more individualised attention.

It makes total sense to process the kids who already know each other and the school in a different session - they will have totally different needs.

How would you be feeling if your DS had been lumped in with a boisterous nursery group who all already knew each other and was the sole child who was not familiar with the setup already?

Prufrock · 18/07/2008 13:40

Actually, state schools aren't allowed to favour children that have been to the school nursery over other children, and the head should know this.

However, I can't see how you can think she is favouring them - your ds will be in a smaller group and with other children that do not know each other, so will not be made to feel like an outsider. Your ds will not notice the change from mornings to afternoons along with the rest of the changes- is the real issue that it changes your routine?

And whilst you are allowed to make your own judgements about the suitability of the nursery attached to the school, you should have taken into account the ability to socialise with his future peers whilst making that decision. It's your fault that he doesn't know the large group of kids and might have integration issues, not the schools.

StellaDallas · 18/07/2008 13:42

Definitely get in touch with the governors. We love a good laugh.

SoupDragon · 18/07/2008 13:43

Sorry, YABU. They have to allocate spaces/times somehow. At DSs school it's done by age. They're split into 3 groups, the oldest start first, in the mornings followed by the next group (also mornings) and these 2 groups then start staying for lunch then full day in turn. The youngest start in the afternoons when there are fewer children there.

ThingOne · 18/07/2008 13:44

You really don't have enough to worry about if you think this is a problem. Take a chill pill and don't piss the headteacher off any more or she'll never take you seriously when you have a real issue.

fryalot · 18/07/2008 13:45

YABU.

deffo.

Just turn it around a little bit and imagine that your ds was in a morning nursery class, and had been for the last few terms, he is in a class with 17 other children, all of whom he knows and plays with.

Now, imagine that you are suddenly told that he has to move to the afternoon session where he won't know anybody because a new boy is starting and his mother is being very unreasonable about her son fitting in with what is available, so your son has to move.

You'd be a bit pissed off, wouldn't you.

And then you could start and AIBU thread and we would all say you weren't being.

As it is you are.

And, he doesn't actually have to go to nursery you know, you could always keep him at home if the nursery he is booked in at doesn't suit.

cory · 18/07/2008 13:46

I agree with other posters that any damage to your child has been done by you. You have turned this into an issue for him, when it needn't have been. You need to stop it now. You have no right to spoil the excitement that is his first weeks at real, big school. It needs to be about him, not about you. Make it fun! See how exciting it is! He's starting school, for goodness' sake! Celebrate! Be excited for him! The more you think he is too little, the harder you will have to smile!

fryalot · 18/07/2008 13:47

oh, and a small word of advice if you're going to carry on posting on MN...

can we please have some spaces in between paragraphs? it makes it easier to read

ScottishMummy · 18/07/2008 13:47

want to be a wired big eyed high expressed emotion scary mum? well keep complaining

no? well no more complaining.no greviance with Governors.or you will end up as one of those mentalist parents that teachers laugh about in staff room

callmeovercautious · 18/07/2008 13:47

I do sympathise that your DS may be upset by a change in routine but as he is moving schools anyway that is going to happen.

Think of it like this - if your DS was already there in a Morning seesion and you were bumped to the PM slot how would you feel? If you worked for a few hours in the morning what would happen then?

As others have said it is for 2 weeks, I would just be pleased that he is going into a smaller group so he will be less overwhelmed by all the new people and the staff will be able to give him more attention and assess his abilities better

SoupDragon · 18/07/2008 13:50

Surely it won't be a change of routine though - isn't he having 6 weeks off for the summer holidays?? I doubt he'll notice whether it's a different time that he's going to Big School.

tigerlily1980 · 18/07/2008 14:02

I wouldn't worry about it and I wouldn't consider it as discrimination. I actually think that the headteachers comments were fair.

I actually think this is normal practice for schools. At my children's school there were two nursery groups attached to the school - morning and afternoon. When the children went in to reception for the half days the morning children did the morning and likewise for the afternoon children. The new children in the school were distributed to sessions where there were gaps.

From the sounds of it your son will benefit from being in a smaller class, and it will only be for two weeks. When the sessions do mix, all of the children will make new friends anyway.

RusselBrussel · 18/07/2008 14:06

Definately unreasonable, and discrimination is waaaaay to strong a word for this.

piratecat · 18/07/2008 14:29

op

just wanted to say. Come back, and talk again, as you have gone. Maybe you just need to sort out some thoughts you have about your dc starting school?

I think you are prob worried becuase of ds's age when entering school too? I prob would be.
They have two intakes here, which is lucky, one in sept and one in jan.

I know everyone inclding me had been to the point, but I do think you could do with a bit of support over your feeling about it all?