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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect people NOT to buy things for DS2 that I've explicitly asked them not to???

89 replies

VictorianSqualor · 09/07/2008 12:25

DS2 is DP's first child, and his parents first grandchild.
I get it, he is their PFB/PFGB, and as such I make allowances.
I think I'm a pretty good daughter in law, I always make the effort to go and see them, make sure DP puts effort into their relationships, and overall, I butt out of their relationships with him and my children.
As PiL's go, they're great, Dp's dad makes some cringeworthy comments sometimes but who doesn't? His mum never ever interferes and would help at the drop of a hat.
This isn't a MiL bashing, I like her, a lot.

But I really hate Winnie-the-Pooh. (There is a reason behind it, someone very hurtful as I was growing up was obsessed, so not nice connotations for me)

When I was pg, MiL and I went into toys 'r' us and I was buying baby bits, didn't know the sex so could only buy cream, and she pointed out the WTP stuff. I told her how much I hated him, and had never dressed my other two in it for this reason. She told me she had already bought some WTP stuff so I said, Ok, we'll use it, thanks very much, don't want to seem ungrateful, she said not to worry in future she won't buy it.

When I'm in hospital DP's Dad looked after the older DC's and when they came to visit me DD told me FiL has bought baby some WTP stuff and she told him I didn't like WTP. When he gave me it he said 'I know you don't like WTP but I do so I bought it' jokingly. Rather than say anything I just smiled, and said to DP that as he may have bought it before he knew I wouldn't mention it and just dressed the baby in it if we went to their house.

MiL's sister also bought all WTP as presents. Again, gave benefit of the doubt, her DC's are the same age as my eldest two and she likes WTP, so no reason why she wouldn't buy it if she didn't know.

Now they ALL know I really don't like it.

DP comes back from work the other day and had popped into his mums on the way home. There were clothes there apparently from his Dad. I think it's really lovely the way they buy the stuff for DS2 and am grateful they care, but it was winnie the fucking pooh, again!

After the comment dp's dad had made I wasn't impressed, seemed like a 'I don't care what you like, I'm buying my grandson whatever'. So DP calls his mum about something else, and just drops into conversation about the WTP thing and the comment his Dad had made. Turns out she bought it not his Dad, and I know she knew how much I disliked it. If I had a girl and said I really hate pink can you buy purple, she would, so why can't they go into the mothercare superstore (where they shop) and get one of the other 50 outfits in there for DS2 that aren't wtp???

I know it seems ridiculous, but IMO it's not about WTP anymore, more the lack of consideration. One thing I ask them not to buy and they keep on buying it.

AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 09/07/2008 13:07

Do you really think it is Custy? I don't see MiL as that kind of person, she doesn't do it in anything else, at all, ever so it seems quite out of character. (FiL however I could totally see buying it knowing I didn't like it and having a little chuckle to himself)

OP posts:
Twelvelegs · 09/07/2008 13:11

VS, Unless her surname is Milne why does she feel the need to buy something that you have specifically said you don't like??

minouminou · 09/07/2008 13:12

well, she doesn't seem to be getting it, so there's some kind of resistance, or active decision-making thing going on, which is why i think you need to pull out the big guns
oooooooooo, i'm all military today....good job i'm off down the gym in a bit......

FioFio · 09/07/2008 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 09/07/2008 13:14

I don't know twelvelegs, DP reckons she just 'didn't think' and has said he'll explain to her why I really don't like it, but he doesn't get that this isn't about Winnie the fucking pooh! It's about me being the parent and having my wishes respected.

OP posts:
Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 09/07/2008 13:15

LOL Fio.
I heart your input

OP posts:
OurHamsterisevil · 09/07/2008 13:17

I would let them take it back so as to put a stop to it. Otherwise as you say there will just be more of it. I like WTP but I wouldn't want every outfit for my DC to have it on.

minouminou · 09/07/2008 13:19

or...to really make a point right back attem....
start dressing DS in this kinda stuff....
www.therallyshack.co.uk/images/Funky%20baby%20Clothes/Black%20Baby%20Grows/dragon% 20black%20baby%20grow.jpg

Twiglett · 09/07/2008 13:20

they didn't think .. they just saw WTP and though 'oh cute'

get DP to give it back to them and ask them to exchange it because you are really not comfortable with WTP .. but make sure he tells them how pleased you are that they are thinking of their grandson so much

but make a stand or it will continue

is it all WTP? or just the Disney version?

snowleopard · 09/07/2008 13:24

Oh I think they have definitely picked up on the fact that you don't like it, and they think you are being daft so theyre doing it on purpose - perhaps not actively vindictively, but because they'll think you'll get over your silly little fuss. It is a passive aggressive way of saying they don't want to be told what to do.

I think it's true that this is stuff for your DS and not you and your dislike of it shouldn't have to affect him if he really wants it as he gets older. But OTOH I have tried to restrict Thomas stuff and character stuff in general for my DS because I loathe it, so I can see your point.

If people give us stuff I don't like, it tends to sit at the back of the clothes drawer/cupboard and not come out a lot, if I have my way (and if DS isn't bothered one way or the other). then after a decent interval it goes off to Oxfam (whereas the stuff I really like gets kept and stored).

One suggestion though - if you can bear it (ooh sorry terrible unintentional pun!) - go back and read the original AA milne books with their lovely pics - they are brilliant and profound and a world away from modern cartoony tat. It might help you rise above your bad associations.

Twelvelegs · 09/07/2008 13:25

I would imagine the thought process was more like 'she (mummy) doesn't like it but I do and it's my grandchild!!'.

Kewcumber · 09/07/2008 13:26

but despite what you say - you do keep accepting it. So she keeps buying it.

snowleopard · 09/07/2008 13:30

If they don't think it's an issue any more, they might stop it. So you could say "Wow I have noticed that DS is SO into stripes and patterns / pictures of vehicles / etc - I'd like to get him some tops/pajamas/dinner set with stripes / something like buses or helicopters on it as I'm sure he would love it, I wonder where you can get that kind of stuff..." then sit back and see what they come up with in an attempt to be DS's fave GPs.

Kewcumber · 09/07/2008 13:33

I'm amazed at the number of you who think its deliberagte. My mum thinks - OOh thats nice - buys. Then thinks "Opps Kewcumber doesn;t like those, ah well she won;t mind just this one"

Repeat again ad nauseum.

MsDemeanor · 09/07/2008 13:35

Eeyore is probably my favourite character in all fiction. Very, very funny.

I just don't know. Why not smile and put it in a cupboard? This is self-limiting you know, she won't be buying winnie the pooh merchandise for a school-aged child (at least, I hope not!)
I don't like disney branded clothing at all - am a terrible snob about it, and I'm hugely picky about what they wear, but I think smile and put it away/give it to charity shop might be best idea if you can't face asking her to swap it. Mind you, you can do that tactfully - 'I'm sure you think I'm being really silly about this, but I don't like clothes with cartoon characters on at all, but I do LOVE X & Y & Z (denim dungarees, bright t-shirts, pyjamas with stars on/whatever) and he really needs new PJs, could we swap it for some Pjs?

I do think this notion that the parents/mother must always be respected by everyone in the manner of object to be worshipped is totally alien to an older generation to be honest. It's a very modern notion. They would probably have felt obliged to 'respect' and take advice from their mothers and mils. I feel a bit sorry for them. When they were mums they were supposed to respect their elders, now they are grandmothers they are supposed to respect their juniors. I bet they are wondering, 'Hey, when is it my turn for this respect stuff?'

posieflump · 09/07/2008 13:37

blimey so yuo don't let them watch or read it as well as wear it!!!

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 09/07/2008 13:39

Just the Disney version twig.
It's not that it's horrid clothes, I can see how they might think 'oh, how cute'.

I think I'll get DP to explain to her why I don't like it and that I don't want to offend so haven't mentioned it but could they think before they buy!

OP posts:
nooka · 09/07/2008 13:40

All the buying of WTP gear does seem a little OTT, but that might be just because they really like WTP, and think that your reasons are trivial/aesthetic maybe? If you really want it to stop you need to ask your dp to talk to his mum about it. If you can't persuade your dp that it is a big deal then it is perhaps not surprising that his parents haven't picked up that this is something that causes hurt rather than mild irritation.. I made it very clear to all my family that I hated Barbie tat, but dd still has tons of it because dh's family thought I was just being rather odd, and that dd would be deprived (luckily she is now growing out of the stuff). I have managed to preserve my anti-gun stance, but only after stiking to a really tough line and making sure that it was known it was a big deal to me.

So I think if it really bothers you you have to make that known. I am sure your ILs are not trying to hurt you - if it really upsets you then yes, ask your dh to ask his mum to exchange it (with lots of thanks). Otherwise they will go on thinking it's unimportant and if they like WTP and think it looks cute on their grandchild they will go on buying it (and I suspect that they actually would probably buy pink in your dd scenario too if they thought she looked nice in it/that's what little girls should wear).

minouminou · 09/07/2008 13:40

very interesting point msdemeanour....very thought provoking
it does come down, however, to who's gonna be most upset here
the GP's can stand NOT to see the little boy in a WTP outfit, as it's an aesthetic issue, but VS has painful memories dredged up by the character, so i think it's the GPs who should back down here

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 09/07/2008 13:43

No Posie I don't. I've never bought it for them, nor did anyone else, they have hundreds of books and not one is winnie-the-pooh, they've never asked for it.

With all my friends and my Ex's family they knew I didn't like WTP and just never bought it, when I was pg I'd get 'Oooh, I saw this lovely WTP suit' as a wind-up but no-one ever bought it.

What they watch on Tv has never been WTP either, but through their own choice it's just not on their radar.

OP posts:
nooka · 09/07/2008 13:43

Adding some of snow leopard/MsDemeanor's ideas about alternatives might work well too. And then lots of thanks about whatever is bought instead.

MsDemeanor · 09/07/2008 13:45

I do think that VS has the perfect right to dress her own kids any way she wants. And if she doesn't like the clothes for any reason, she can either smile and put them in a cupboard, ask for them to be exchanged or give them away. I told my mum that there were certain things I wasn't keen on but others I loved. It took a while to train her and we still get the odd horror.

hotcrossbunny · 09/07/2008 13:46

Haven't read whole thread, so sorry i9f repeating...

I'd quietly charity or ebay it and never dress your dc in it. If they never see it being worn, they may think it's not worth buying any more of it.

If your dc wants to read WTP/ wearWTP socks or whatever later, then I imagine you'd let them???

I agree its annoying when PIL dont/wont listen

ScottishMummy · 09/07/2008 13:46

apart from annoying WTP gifts you say she is supportive to you.can you encourage anothre brand of choice?many granny's like to fuss and footer about in spite of expressed wishes and will in fact make the point of doing so solely because they want to. no deep psychodynamic reason. just she does

granny buys my lo all manner of disney etc branded goods - because she likes it and thinks that is what wee one's should wear. she objected to baby clothes believing only baby rompers are proper

she tutted when we wouldn't paint the baby room properly
Humphed when their was no Disney decor

ChickenBurger · 09/07/2008 13:46

Going against the grain here but I actually need to think you need to learn to let go of your problem with Winnie the Pooh.

Your best mate that shagged your stepdad sounds like a terrible friend, but do you really want to be confrtonted with those feelings again every time you see something with Winnie the Pooh on it? Perhaps separating wtp from how you feel about those issues would be a good way forward?

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