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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to have lost my rag in a public loo?

96 replies

TheSmallClanger · 06/07/2008 21:45

I was shopping in town yesterday while my DD and her friend were at gymnastics, and, as you do, I stopped for a wee in a department store toilet. The loo wasn't overly busy and I walked into a cubicle straight away. There were a couple of kids outside in the actual room bit, not in the cubicles, who I assumed were waiting for their mum to finish. One was a boy of about 7.
While I was in the cubicle, someone started baning on the door quite hard. I assumed it was one of the children messing around and said in my best deep, Scary Adult voice "there's someone in here". However, the banging did not stop and turned to kicking, then turned to the door flying open and me frantically pulling my knickers up. I was shocked more than anything and will admit that I shouted quite loudly at the boy - it was him and he was laughing. I didn't swear, but got pretty cross and said "don't you know how rude that is? You shouldn't try and open toilet doors like that, it's very very rude" with some extras I can't remember added on, in the same vein.
The next thing I knew, the boy's mother came charging out of a cubicle and demanded to know what's going on. I told her, probably not sounding very calm, and hse started yelling at ME not to shout at her child, he was only a little boy, he was only messing around and that I was over-reacting and obviously didn't understand kids!
TBH I just tried to get out of there as quickly as I could - I was with another child (12) who was waiting outside for me and I didn't want her to hear.
So, was I really BU? somethign tells me I wasn't!

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 07/07/2008 12:23

Absolutely not unreasonable. Child out of order, mother even more so. Suggest you write to store manager telling the story and asking for a notice on the door forbidding males over a certain age (I'd say 5) in the Ladies loo.

(I tried to answer this yesterday but Internet connection went off.)

themildmanneredjanitor · 07/07/2008 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silvercrown · 07/07/2008 19:04

Wonder how he'll turn out in year's to come??? Will he still be kicking toilet doors open at 10? 15? 20? A child of that age would know it was wrong and would be punished if he did something like that at school - no-one expects that sort of behaviour from any child. If he did have SN (which it doesn't sound like) then I think his mum would have taken him in with her. Why is it ok for him to kick down the door and gawp at another woman half naked?? Would the mother have appreciated him kicking her door down so all and sundry could see her knickers round her ankles?? Unfortunately it seems that we must always excuse the bahviour of these unruly kids and then we wonder why they grow up so messed up without taking responsibiluty for their actions. I'd have shouted at him and then at the mother to teach him some manners - they say serial killers start off at a very young age torturing little animals - at what age do the perverts start and where?????

Twinkie1 · 07/07/2008 19:15

God my 3 year old wouldn't kick a door let alone my 8 year old - I fear I would have reacted worse than you OP and I most certainly wouldn't have stopped at the child - the mother would have got a tongue lashing too!!

I am incredibly unstepford other than my cleaning OCD I suppose you can gather that though!

Blu · 07/07/2008 19:22

Well, I believe that I am a generally highly reasonable sort of parent...but I promise you that if my almost 7 year-old ever does that to anyone I will thik it serves him right if he gets shouted at very harshly indeed. And that the fright would do him good!
You go too far...you get more than you bargained for!

smartiejake · 07/07/2008 19:35

Sorry but I think there are some on here who really are a bit precious about kids being shouted at.

I am aware of the fact that some children are yelled at all the time as a matter of course and don't agree with that either but sometimes a sharp word in a raised tone hits home and can be very effective including when dcs are being badly behaved at school.(I do not agree with teachers who are constantly shouty BTW)

I would be mortified if my dc had behaved as this little toerag had and I would certainly be apologising to the op and making sure she knew that I was not going to let this appalling behaviour go unpunished.

Elasticwoman · 09/07/2008 14:09

I'm sorry mildmanneredj but I do not appreciate coming across male children of school age in a ladies' loo. I don't impose my own son on other women in that context, and would prefer them not to impose theirs on me.

I might not do anything about it at all if I come across you with your 8 year old in a department store ladies' but I think it is discourteous and inappropriate all the same.

What age do you think is too old for a boy to go into a female toilet (barring emergencies and extreme circumstances?)? Or do you think middle aged men should be allowed, so long as they have their mothers with them?

batters · 09/07/2008 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elasticwoman · 09/07/2008 21:41

OK Batters, since you ask so nicely, I won't.

bozza · 09/07/2008 21:52

I think YANBU and it is highly unlikely that the boy had SN. If he had and his mother was aware that he might behave in this way I imagine she would have taken him in with her.

Elasticwoman I would not leave a 5yo outside the toilet if I needed to go in a busy shopping place. I have started leaving him outside now that he is 7 (but he is a very sensible 7).

Elasticwoman · 09/07/2008 21:58

I was thinking more of sending a 5 yo into the gents on his own, hadn't thought of me needing the loo and what to do with him. I suppose I would encourage him to go to the loo at the same time. Many's the time I have asked passing strangers whether they could just go in the gents and call his name, when he has taken a long time to come out.

bozza · 09/07/2008 22:01

But elasticwoman when DS was 5 I also had DD who was 2 and just potty trained and we would be sharing a cubicle so would inevitably take longer than him especially given his rather abrupt handwashing routine , so he would still be much quicker than us. Maybe I am a helicoptor parent though. I try not to be.

ChukkyPig · 09/07/2008 22:06

Elastic this occurred to me, but the other way round.

I was shopping with DH and when I went into the loo there was a girl aged about 5 coming out by herself.

Made me think, if DH and DD were out by themselves, what if she needed the toilet? He said he'd take her into the gents. I said, no, penises on show.

He said, mother and child changing area. I suggested disabled facilities.

We can't stop children going to the toilet with their parents.

7 surely is old enough to go into gender appropriate toilets though? And the boy in the OP is a little shit. And as for his mum...

But what do you do with opposite sex sprogs?

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 09/07/2008 22:09

I started thinking the same Chukky, actually one shopping centre where I am has a changing facitlity and a parent and child toilet in both ladies and Gents before you actually go all the way into the main toilets.
Oh and Debenhams sotres tend to have a family toilet as well larger room with an adult and childs toilet in it and it is non gender specific.

Elasticwoman · 09/07/2008 22:16

Parents who feel they really have to be with their opp. sex child in the toilet can use the disabled one.

I just asked dh what he did with our dds when I wasn't there. He said when they were very little he took them in the gents, but later he propelled them into the ladies. At what stage did he do that? Ooh now you're asking .... about 4 or 5, he said. And sometimes used the disabled loo.

I remember a man approaching me as I went in the ladies once when I was a student, and he asked me to look after his 3 year old and make sure she washed her hands, which I was pleased to do.

And I hadn't even been CRB checked then.

ChukkyPig · 09/07/2008 22:22

It's funny isn't it. Little boys (little, not 7) are welcome in the ladies. But personally I wouldn't really want DD going into the gents when she's 4. Just because, let's face it, urinals.

Luckily there are mum and baby rooms and disabled etc. Will instruct DH to use those. Thanks Elastic.

Elasticwoman · 09/07/2008 22:29

BTW what's a helicopter parent?

megandtyler · 09/07/2008 22:54

yanbu-
You were in a very vunerable position and you didn't really know who was going to come through the door.luckily it was only a child he was lucky you only told him he was rude! thats so not losing your rag!
Elasticwoman i don't know what i feel about not letting boys in toilets i've just had my ds and would feel nervous about letting him use toilets on his own but then would also feelnervous letting dd use them on her own.
Remember the incident in a sainsburys toilet where a 12 year old girl was raped!
extreme scenario i know but would be concerned nonethe less

SurfingMummy · 09/07/2008 23:05

YANBU at all. Whether he was 7 years old, or a tall 5 year old, he shouldn't have done that - and his mother should have seriously told him off and apologised to you. If one of my dcs had done that (and they are WAY younger than 7), I would have been mortified. Parents who behave like that are, IMO, going a long way to causing the problems that society is now facing, eg knife crime. Parents just need to learn the word "NO!".

bozza · 10/07/2008 08:40

"helicoptor parent" is one who is always hovering over their DC (like a helicoptor hence the term) and never lets them have any independence. Always involved in everything they are doing.

I don't think I am one, but sometimes I feel compelled towards it by society. I find that I feel guilty for letting my children have freedom as though I am neglecting them rather than just encouraging an independent spirit. DH also seems to think I am a bit lax. For instance, on the way to school I let my 4yo run off but she has a line(in the tarmac) that she is not allowed to pass near the main road and the lollipop lady. When we went to the school fair DH was trying to call her back to hold hands.

Still off the point of the topic which was really the rudeness and inappropriate behaviour of the boy which could have equally happened in the gents as the ladies, I suppose.

totalmisfit · 10/07/2008 08:55

some parents have got it into their heads that because it's no longer acceptable to give other people's kids (or your own, for that matter) a clip round the ear in these situations, that it means discipline is also now forbidden. These are the parents who are raising the amoral youngsters we hear about on the news every day.

What they don't seem to know is that the word 'discipline' is from the same root as the word 'disciple', i.e it means 'to teach'. People like this woman are no longer teaching their kids how to behave in a way which allows society to function.

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