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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed at being labelled as "Clingy Mother" by DS's nursery staff.....

76 replies

jojo76 · 06/07/2008 20:30

I took DS1 to his nursery school this week, he's due to start this September. He was 3 in March. I went in to fill all the forms in and to let him have a look around. So, as we are filling the forms in, I mention that I actually want him to attend the nursery 2 mornings a week. The teacher was visibly very surprised by this, she sat with the pen poised over the paper and took a moment to reply with a surprised "Oh!". We then had the discussion where she said it might affect how ds settles in as he wont be going four mornings (apparently everyone else goes four mornings or afternoons, building up to five), and I can see her point, but feel that DS will probably settle fine, he's pretty good at just mucking in with other kids andgetting on with it. BUY if he were to find it hard to settle, I would think about increasing his days or alternatively (GASP!) just leaving it and letting him start reception when hes a year older. Then another teacher had the same discussion with me and we were talking about settling in, she was also clearly not in favour of the two morning plan, and said, "well, some kids just settle straight away, some take a bit longer and SOMETIMES its the parents!", looking archly at me!!
So now because I dont want to send him for the whole week, I feel like the nursery think I'm holding him back and am being clingy and needy. I did admit that I find the thought of him going off to school a little bit sad (but obviously inevitable), but surely lots of mums feel like this!! Also, I'm a childminder, so am at home anyway, and just feel that as this is the last year before school starts, I would like to relish it a bit. We have years of school ahead and years of what I imagine for us will be a hideous rush of searching for shoes and book bags ahead, so why start this early? He's only 3, why the obsession with "moving them on" and "preparing them from school", I thought Reception prepared them for school??
So, aibu to want to just kick around and let him dig up worms in the garden for another year, or do I sound like a hysterical overly sensitive needy Mum????

OP posts:

colditz · 06/07/2008 20:32

They get money out of him being there, don't forget that.

Ds1 went 2 half days a week and was fine. YOu might want to increase it later but 2 mornings a week is a good start to me.

sleepycat · 06/07/2008 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Love2bake · 06/07/2008 20:34

YANBU

Your child, your decison.

I only started my son off with 2 sessions a week at nursery and then gradually increased it to 5 over 4 terms.

I find it a bit odd that they have acted like that TBH.

Anna8888 · 06/07/2008 20:34

He will be 3.6 in September? For many, many children four half-day sessions of pre-school/nursery is just spot on at that age. If all the other children are doing four sessions, your DS risks being an "outsider" if he is only doing two. Go for the four sessions - he'll love it, and you'll be delighted to see how he progresses

Washersaurus · 06/07/2008 20:36

DS1 used to attend nursery 1.5 days each week but he never really enjoyed doing the half day when all his friends were there all day, so I increased his hours and he now attends 2 full days which seems to suit him better.

It does seem a bit silly for the nursery to comment on it if it isn't yet, and may never be an issue.

Bumdiddley · 06/07/2008 20:39

Hmm,.. dd is starting nursery 5 mornings a week from September and dh (SAHD) can't wait to get rid of her

We think it will be good for her to be around other children and have a structured morning. She was in nursery for 2 days, for a year when I had ds. She thrived.

We were suprised that they wanted us to teach dd to write her name - aren't they supposed you do that? We are quite happy to do it - but as my mum pointed out (retd teacher) - we may do it wrong!!

Anyway, sorry for the waffle. YANBU. I'm sure most European schools don't start 'til 7.

Twelvelegs · 06/07/2008 20:39

Rubbish. My ds1 only did two sessions at 2.6 of two hours a week and settled fine. If they have such strong ideas already perhaps you should go elsewhere.

mazzystar · 06/07/2008 20:40

No, you don't sound hysterical to me. Do what you think is best for your boy.

The money thing might come into it a bit, in terms of understanding their attitude. They will only get 2/5ths of the grant so if they are heavily oversubscribed they may feel that he is taking up a place that someone else would get more benefit from, and they would get a full grant from.

Anna8888 · 06/07/2008 20:41

Bumdiddley - French school starts in the September of the calendar year of a child's third birthday and Belgian school on a child's 2.6 birthday...

Clayhead · 06/07/2008 20:41

I help out in a pre-school and I only sent my dd for two, working up to four 2.5 sessions and ds the same.

Your choice.

louii · 06/07/2008 20:41

At that age none of the other kids notice who is there 2 days or 5 days.

Smithagain · 06/07/2008 20:42

DD2's nursery have made similar comments. She's going three mornings a week. They "normally recommend five mornings for those who are in the year before school, so that they can make the fullest use of all that school (sic) has to offer".

I expressed the opinion that the two days she would be spending with me would not be completely devoid of educational benefit and three mornings was all she was going to do.

Nursery's response has been "Fine, as long as you know you won't be able to change your mind at a later date because the places will be filled."

I think sometimes nurseries forget that they are not the only people that are able to have a positive effect on a child's life.

luckylady74 · 06/07/2008 20:49

My 3 1/2 yr old twins go 2 mornings with lunch club and tbh I can't see why I'd increase it in the near future. i'm a sahm (bit of casual childminding for a friend thrown in) so why would I send them for longer. We see other 3 yr olds for visits and swimming etc most days as well as grandparents =- so more preschool would get in the way really! This time is blissful because of the summer and we seem to be spending endless days in the park and so on.I may feel differently in winter and so might they! Can't you just go with what your child says - time enough for them to be treated like sheep at school - if he wants more preschool he'll say!

OverMyDeadBody · 06/07/2008 20:54

I can't see from your OP anywhere where the nursery staff actually labelled you as a "clingy mother" though. Perhaps you are over-reacting just a tad? Perhaps it is your own anxiety about being a clingy mother that is making you project it onto the nursery staff labelling you as one? Just a thought.

Sleepycat, I hate to break it to you but all nurseries focus on play. Or at least they are meant to.

Bumdiddley · 06/07/2008 20:54

Anna8888 - gawd, I should have put a question mark at the end of that! If I wasn't on my second glass of wine of the evening I'd look for the stats and that starting school at 4/5 is not a good idea..but i don't really believe it and I'm too mellow to be arsed

AND Nadal's grunting is really offputting...

Anna8888 · 06/07/2008 20:57

My daughter has just finished her first year of French pre-school - she started at 2.10, going for five mornings a week.

She has learnt absolutely masses. Great success. We still had loads of time together to do non-school educational and fun activities.

Original poster

jojo76 · 06/07/2008 20:58

Thanks for the responses everyone, it is really good to hear all the opinions and also, I feel less worried about my "controversial" decision! I know how your dh feels, Bumdiddley, I feel like that about DS sometimes too, but also, I have had lots of little people pass through my home in the last ten years, and I know how quick this pre school phase pases, and I feel like I don't want to miss it!! Also, as I childmind 3 days a week at the moment, we have 3 days that are pretty structured with outings, activities and all that, and we frequently meet up with my sis who's also a childminder, so he has LOADS of other little friends to socialise with so I don't feel he's missing out on these things by not going.
Hadn't crossed my mind about the money side of it, I may increase his days as he gets close to going to school, but would like this to be my decision, and not to be pushed in to it.
Thanks for reading, everyone, I know I do go ON! [GRIN]

OP posts:

Original poster

jojo76 · 06/07/2008 21:02

Overmydeadbody, absolutely, you could be right, no one actually said "you are a clingy mother", I did make that assumption from their reaction, and I think I do feel that I don't WANT them to feel that I am one!! I probably am being a bit sensitive, I will just have to see how we get on in Sept, I'm sure it will be fine in the end !!

OP posts:

OverMyDeadBody · 06/07/2008 21:07

I'm sure, if they know you are a childminder, they won't think you are a clingy parent, just that your DS doesn't need the extra stimulation that nursery provides that, say, an only child might benefit from.

Ags · 06/07/2008 21:48

The pre-schools in my immediate area are having a nightmare trying to fill places this year as there has been a big drop in children seeking admission. A couple locally have even decided to open part time. I'm wondering if all this "They must do 5 days or they will not be getting the full benefit" has more to do with trying to increase their numbers than anything else?

bobbysmum07 · 06/07/2008 22:03

In all honesty, kids who only attend nursery for two sessions a week never settle properly.

And it really is up to the parent to help the child settle. If the parent doesn't want the child to settle, the child won't. Simple as that.

seeker · 06/07/2008 22:15

Or don't send him at all. You don;t have to, you know!

colditz · 06/07/2008 23:19

that's bull, bobbysmum

ds1 settled just fine. he loved it there.

AbstractMouse · 06/07/2008 23:39

Dd is 4 and goes to a morning nursery attached to the school she will be going to, we send her in approx 3 out of 5 mornings. She has never had a problem settling, is confident and outgoing, never even cried on the first day. If it's a sunny day me her and ds will go to the paddling pool park instead, or if we need to go shopping or just don't feel like it, we just don't bother.

I have had a bit of guilt tripping come parents evening, but this is the last year for the next (ooh thinks) 9 years of being tied in to the school run and school holidays (well school holidays at least for the next 14 years ) so we are enjoying the freedom whilst we can.

And btw this is guilt tripping from the teacher
who has told me the exact same thing for the last 2 parent's evenings (doesn't write letter A's properly, doesn't recognise some random letter) even though in the meantime dd has taught herself to read pretty well lol.

susia · 06/07/2008 23:41

sorry I think you are being unreasonable because that is how state nurseries are run mostly. They go either 5 mornings or 5 afternoons per week.

There are not anyone who doesn't do this in any of the state school nurseries around here.

I think you need to send your child to playgroup nursery if you feel this way where you can chose the number of sessions.

Around here the schools and nurseries are very oversubscribed and they cannot allocate a few sessions a week to one child as they would have sessions unfilled that could have been used by another child.

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