To feel annoyed at being labelled as "Clingy Mother" by DS's nursery staff.....

[jojo76]

I took DS1 to his nursery school this week, he's due to start this September. He was 3 in March. I went in to fill all the forms in and to let him have a look around. So, as we are filling the forms in, I mention that I actually want him to attend the nursery 2 mornings a week. The teacher was visibly very surprised by this, she sat with the pen poised over the paper and took a moment to reply with a surprised "Oh!". We then had the discussion where she said it might affect how ds settles in as he wont be going four mornings (apparently everyone else goes four mornings or afternoons, building up to five), and I can see her point, but feel that DS will probably settle fine, he's pretty good at just mucking in with other kids andgetting on with it. BUY if he were to find it hard to settle, I would think about increasing his days or alternatively (GASP!) just leaving it and letting him start reception when hes a year older. Then another teacher had the same discussion with me and we were talking about settling in, she was also clearly not in favour of the two morning plan, and said, "well, some kids just settle straight away, some take a bit longer and SOMETIMES its the parents!", looking archly at me!!
So now because I dont want to send him for the whole week, I feel like the nursery think I'm holding him back and am being clingy and needy. I did admit that I find the thought of him going off to school a little bit sad (but obviously inevitable), but surely lots of mums feel like this!! Also, I'm a childminder, so am at home anyway, and just feel that as this is the last year before school starts, I would like to relish it a bit. We have years of school ahead and years of what I imagine for us will be a hideous rush of searching for shoes and book bags ahead, so why start this early? He's only 3, why the obsession with "moving them on" and "preparing them from school", I thought Reception prepared them for school??
So, aibu to want to just kick around and let him dig up worms in the garden for another year, or do I sound like a hysterical overly sensitive needy Mum????

Honoria - you said "kids who attend nursery full time are in the nicest possible way, institutionalised so no doubt they are easier and less trouble to deal with for the staff which could be seen as having 'settled' easier." I think thats very offensive to parents and children who are in nursery full time. The full time children know what is happening each day, and have an opportunity to bond closely with the staff. Children who go for one day a week seem to find it all much harder as it just takes them a very long time to get used to it all, as it would any of us if we went to something 1 day in 7, and it was totally different to what you normally did.

I don't think that in any way makes the full time children institutionalised.

I said in the nicest possible way because I'm aware lots of parents do it. I stand by what I said! we all get institutionalised, at work, school, nursery - I don't mean anything insulting by it; that kind of institutionalising makes it possible for all of us to lead out lives happily!

Its a very emotive word to choose though, but I appreciate what you were trying to say.

Honoria is right, whether being institutionalised is percieved to be 'emotive' or not. All children become institutionalised when they start school. The earlier they start, the earlier it happens.

Also, in Finland children don't start formal schooling until 7, and yet academically are the most advanced at 16.

YANBU

You don't sound hysterical or overly sensitive.

Both my boys started with 2 mornings a week, and I gradually increased them.

They staff sound a bit stiff to me.

Bobbysmum - when I was looking at pre-schools for my DS1 I instantly disregarded any that said he had to go every day (at 3.9 for a full year). I did not know you owned a nursery but I did discover that it is a view commonly held by nursery owners. Some of them I felt believed it was genuinely better but quite frankly I got the impression from most of them that was just "what they did" and was more convenient for their planning (in all ways - this is not derogatory as I can understand how much easier it is to fill places this way). I wanted something that suited me and my DS1 rather than them. Plenty of time for full time the year after.

Fortunately for me I was able to find a choice of nurseries, including the one closest to us, that did not take this approach and were happy to take children for as little as two mornings. I would have preferred three but only two that suited us were available.

blimey thanks for the responses everyone. I feel much more confident now in sticking to my guns, I do feel it's a shame that I almost felt like a bit of a social misfit for wanting to spend time with my own son !! We will stick to two days, if for any reason he doesn't settle, then I will reasess but I think it unlikely that he will go more, it just seems an unnecessary lot of rushing about before we really need to. Yep, lazy, but with an eighteen month old and various mindees coming in and out, I want to minimise rushing!
I see now this preference for 5 days is probably funding related, and while I feel for the nursery, I also feel that isn't really something I should feel guilty about - I haven't decided that only children who go full time attract funding, perhaps the government needs to be more flexible and understand that we don't all want our kids in full time education from the age of 3.....
thanks again for the opinions, everyone!

Obviously you have to do whatever suits your circumstances best and if you only want to put your child in nursery for two mornings a week that is your perogative and no one is arguing with that.

I'm simply saying that in my experience children who attend nursery for two mornings a week do not settle as easily as children who attend for five mornings a week.

There's no ulterior motive in my saying that. For God's sake, it's an internet message board - it's not like I'm trying to sell anyone a place at my nursery in real life. I do say it to prospective parents however because I know it's the truth.

I said in another post a couple of days ago that kids who attend daycare (and I suppose by that I mean full-time daycare) are the nicest, most undemanding, unselfish and unspoilt kids in the world, and I stand by that. Institutionalised or not, kids who attend nursery on a full-time basis are nicer than kids who don't!

i've got the opposite problem, dd loves playschool so much it's all or nothing, she's the only one of the ones who are only 3 who was going 5 days a week this year as she goes hysterical when she doesn't have playschool (summer hols are testing my patience already!)

i'm fairly sure the other moms think i'm just desperate to get her out of the house as she's quite shy there so noone really believes she's the mad, stroppy little minx i claim she is at home

thankfully her teacher believes me and has had glimpses of the little imp that lies under that quiet innnocent exterior so at least one person doesn't think i'm ruthlessly booting my tiny little girl out of the house!

sorry for the essay, just wanted to point out that no matter what decisions you make for your child someone will disapprove, you know your ds best, therefore you are the only one qualified to make this decision.

You misunderstand me Honoria! Where I live nursery school placements are like gold dust and IMO they should go to parents who need them for work reasons etc.

Those parents who can manage some home time and some nursery time should (IMO ) stick to nurseries where part time places are the norm. And if there aren't any then let the dcs stay at home the whole time!

My name is bobbysmum:

Specialist subject: SWEEPING, ridiculous generalisations which can never be backed up by fact

I have no interest in talking about this further with anyone who can say that children in daycare are nicer than those not in it. I'm sure you'll hold to your opinion, but I'd like to say that I think it's highly unintelligent.

DS1 went to preschool 3 mornings a week at this age and was fine - they wanted him to do more to fit in with their norm, but I refused.

DS2 and DD1 have both done five sessions per week at this stage because that's what I need for my sanity and it's been great - for them and me.

Whatever works for you and your child. Have confidence in yourself and big up your childminder credentials to the nursery.

I think there is obviuosly a wide range of pre-school experience here due to different circuumstances around the country. It seems that it is only an 'issue' to a nursery how much your child attends if they have insufficient funding or an excess of places to fill or there is too few places to meet the demand.

The pre-school I currently use is virtually bankrupt and is merging with another pre-school to survive (I am on the committee so have been learning about pre-school finances). The town has only 3 primary schools and reception class numbers are apparently going down. The flexibility I enjoy with this setting is perhaps a result of the precarious position of the pre-school.

I am at home available to look after my children I feel no compunction to be rigid about the process of sending them to pre-school/ Nursery until attendance becomes a legal necessity at the age of 5. We do not have to send them at all if we do not want to but I am mystified at the 'all or nothing' attitude of some of the posts on this thread what on earth is that about??? I do feel children benefit from Pre-school but it also tires them out and sometimes it is nice to do something else - am I meant only to go on holiday during term time once my children are 3 as well??

But maybe I have the same bad attitude my mum had as she was visited by truancy officers for not enrolling me at primary school even though I was 5 (mainly as we were waiting to move house and it took longer than anticipated) - didn't do me any harm I was academically advanced at school (until I became a lazy arsed teen anyway).

obviously

Sorry my spelling is very poor at the moment

It's absolute nonsense that children do not settle as well if they don't go five sessions a week. Some children take ages to settle, others don't, but the number of sessions has little bearing on this.

I have been involved with a playgroup for over 10 years as a volunteer and a staff member, and we are more than happy to have children for only a couple of sessions a week. There is little difference is settling between those children who do 2, 3, 4 or 5 sessions - whether or not they settle quickly has more to do with that child's character.

My own three children never went more than 2-3 sessions a week, each had a brilliant time at playgroup and absolutely no problem moving onto school. We also had loads of fun at home on the days they didn't have playgroup.

To be honest, I find it very worrying that bobbysmum is supposedly a nursery owner - any nursery manager/owner who says that children who only attend 2 sessions 'never settle properly' and children who go to nursery full-time are 'nicer than kids who don't' is deluded, lacking common sense and comes across as unprofessional.

As an aside, the children in my younger son's year group who really struggled to settle into school and had masses of issues with settling had all been in full-time daycare since they were very young. But that was just them - I wouldn't dream of suggesting it held true for every child!

Sorry not had time to read all posts, ds poorly and physically clinging onto me.
One thing I will say though is do you have the option of taking all 5 spaces and oly usu=ing the days you want?
DD's nursery suggested I do this when she started at 3 as it meant that if I wanted to send her 2-3 days I could but I wasn't limited to certain days.

I did do this and only had the intention of sending her 203 days a week but that never happened she loved it and wanted to keep going back. There were days where she was tired or we had something else on and I jus never sent her but as far as she was concerned 2-3 days a week was not an option she wanted to go e ery day and was even asking at weekends if she was going to nursery.

"Institutionalised or not, kids who attend nursery on a full-time basis are nicer than kids who don't!"

Really?? All of them???? And there was me thinking I had two rather nice children who've never been anywhere near a full time nursery

they just want your money imho!

bobbysmum manages to be not nice and quite rude and offensive despite spending a lot of time at a nursery

Yes, and they obv.don't teach how to spell prerogative at nursery so that is a worry also.

Ineedacleaner - it probably wouldn't be an option to book all 5 spaces and then use just 2-3, unless she were willing to pay for all 5 spaces.

Certainly, we wouldn't allow it at our playgroup - parents who are receiving the government funding have to sign to say how many sessions they are taking up. It's one thing a child missing the odd day because of illness or a family holiday or day out or whatever, but if this happened on a regular basis then the playgroup would be receiving money they weren't entitled to, and another child could be making use of that place.

I've just had a mother ask a similar thing at our playgroup. She doesn't know how many spaces she/her child will need in the autumn, so wants to book 4-5 and only use 2-3 initially. We have said we can't do that, because she would be claiming for 5 sessions but not intending to use them, but what we will do is offer her 2 initially, reserve another session for her for a term or so, and then if she wants more at a later date she will have to take her chances as to whether we will still have places available.

That gives her plenty of time to work out what she wants from playgroup and to see how her child gets on.

As I have said before - it is not compulsory to send children to nursery at all. Lots don't go, and they settle in at school just fine. You don't have to send them to nursery to get them ready for school - going to school gets them ready for school!

Maybe because dd's funded place is at a nursery on a chool or whatever but I have never known it to be a problem certainly in my area anyway it is quite common to have all 5 spaces but for the children to go less days but rather than book 3 days eg Mon, Tues, Wed then find later you need more days or that a Wednesday is useless to you now.

I agree, Seeker, I always thought that reception year is preparation for school, isn't that why they usually start them off on half days, to prepare them?? Saying that, alot of schools seem to be ditching that approach and going for full time straight away

Bobbysmum, I usually avoid controversy on these boards and lurk, because I don't like confrontation that much, but COME ON!! Children who attend nursery full time basis are nicer than those that don't." What a ridiculous thing to say. Surely you are trying to cause a row, I can think of no other reason why you would say that? I have looked after loads of kids full and part time, and would never dream of making such a sweeping statement. Actually, I wouldn't talk about certain groups of kids being "nicer" than others. How lovely for the ones who are labelled as "not nice", so professional of you!