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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to shave a 4 year old girls head because 'she keeps getting nits' is just wrong?

83 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 05/07/2008 21:26

Especially when this little girl is in reception and is aware that all the other girls have beautiful long hair?

OP posts:
TrinityRhino · 06/07/2008 13:16

yes misdee
she was hair pulling
it was on doctors advice to try and stop her so as to save her hair

TheProvincialLady · 06/07/2008 13:22

LEM SS obviously thought it was serious enough to visit my cousin, and TBH the hair shaving was symtomatic of her and her partner's treatment of the girls. Shaving a girl bald when she is at school and likely to be on the receiving end of some bullying is not kind treatment of a child. If someone is prepared to do that to them then what else goes on?

christywhisty · 06/07/2008 14:46

My sister worked as a SN assistant in a very deprived east end school, with lots of immigrants. Children regularly came in with shaved heads because of nits.

ReallyTired · 06/07/2008 17:23

It seems to be pathetic to call in social services when they don't have the time to sort out children suffering from true child abuse. At least these parents care that their children have nits. The real bad parents are those who do nothing.

Shaving a child's hair is a bit drastic, but its hardly on a par with the horrific child abuse that children like Victoria Climbe and countless other children have suffered.

I would like social services' resources directed into stopping real child cruelty rather than strange parenting practices that offend middle class parents.

NomDePlume · 06/07/2008 17:38

ROFL @ the idea of shaving a child's head is tantamount to child abuse. FFS, get real will you !

I agree with ReallyTired.

It may not be the hairstyle of choice for most little girls, but tbh if she is not obviously distressed by it then I can't really see an enormous problem with it. Better than constantly suffering the itching and embarrassment of nits, imo.

NorthernLurker · 06/07/2008 17:43

I think the op said the child was upset by it? Cutting your child's hair to make it easier to get the comb through is one thing. Shaving their head against their wishes if well out of order imo! It can take a while to get rid of lice - just put the time in combing and you will get there in the end.

LynetteScavo · 06/07/2008 17:53

But lots and lots and lots of boys have thier heads shaved because of nits!

Wouldn't do it to my DD, though.

motherinferior · 06/07/2008 18:08

Social services?

Get real, will you? Child abuse covers a lot of things, but head-shaving isn't in it. And as the mother of child with exuberantly curly locks, in which nits appear to have taken up permanent residence, I can see the appeal, frankly.

SqueakyPop · 06/07/2008 18:49

Tempting, but totally wrong.

Hulababy · 06/07/2008 19:21

Not a chance I'd do it to my DD; she'd be devasted. TBH all of the little girls around her age we know would be equally upset at having a shaved head.

And whilst it might be tempting in such circumstances, it still isn;t on (unless child desperately requests such a hair do) - just deal ewith the lice often and regularly instead!

Divastrop · 06/07/2008 20:39

im not middle-class but i still think its not on.its not the act of shaving the childs head that i would class as abuse but rather the not caring about the resulting bullying and not taking the child's feelings into consideration.

like many on here,there were times i said 'b*ocks to this,im getting the clippers out!' when checking dd's hair and finding nits for the 1,000th time,but i would never have really shaved her head

Zazette · 06/07/2008 20:57

My friend's dd ASKED to have her head shaved because she hated nit treatment so much. She looked cute and funky, and didn't get teased. Not all little girls are pack animals who hound anyone different out of the pack, thank god. It makes me sad that so many people on this thread take teasing/bullying for granted as a response to this situation.

If the child in the OP was sad about it, then of course that's regrettable. But the insistence here on there only being one kind of acceptable femininity for little girls to perform is really grim, IMO.

morningpaper · 06/07/2008 21:01

I'd be more depressed about a 4 year old crying because she didn't have "beautiful long hair" like the other girls TBH

ReallyTired · 06/07/2008 21:02

Divastrop, I agree its mean to shave a child's head.

But its mean not treat a child for nits. Its mean to shut a child in a dark cupboard for hours. Its mean to burn a child with a hot iron as a punishment. Its mean to rape a young baby. It is mean to never wash your child or their clothes or not to feed them enough. Its mean to leave a three year old on his own for a weekend.

Do you think a girl should be taken into care for having their head shaved by the parents? What can social services do to the parents? Its not a criminal offense to shave your child's head.

Social services are very strapped for resources and I don't think they should be intervening where they have no legal power to do anything.

Prehaps Victoria Climbe would be still alive if social services were not having to sift through so much cr@p. Ie. when its a clash of parenting style between neighbours rather than real abuse.

Divastrop · 06/07/2008 21:22

i would only be concerned about teasing as the girl was upset about having it done,and bullies pick up on things like that.if the girl was perfectly happy to have it done,and was able to say to anyone who was nasty about it 'so?i like my hair like this' or whatever,then fair enough.

i think i have ishoos from having a 'boy' haircut when i was 8

Elasticwoman · 06/07/2008 21:38

My Aunt, who was born in 1908, wrote some memoirs in 1957, in which early memories of being treated for nits featured largely. She was shaved, and carried the humiliation round with her for decades. It wasn't just the treatment itself, it was the way she was treated. If the little girl in question was consulted in the decision, maybe she wouldn't be so traumatised.

ivykaty44 · 07/07/2008 19:45

Head shaving has been used through time as a punishment and humiliation tact, it is still used today in prisons in russia and us. It was used after ww2 and this is perhaps why I see it as a sign of abuse and degrading way of treating another human, having the head shaved against their will.

I myself would hate to have this forced upon me - others may be happy to be bald and not concerned to let someone shave their hair off.

LittleBella · 07/07/2008 22:17

Shaving hair is not per se be a sign of abuse; but if it is done against a child's will, because the mother can't be bloody arsed to treat nits because she can't empathise with her daughter and treat her as if her feelings actually might matter, then of course it's abusive.

Emotional abuse may not be the remit of social services, it may not be as immediately urgent as physical abuse, but it matters.

Oh and also, if someone shaved an adult's head against their will, it would be treated as an assault. Would those of you who think it's no big deal be happy for your own head to be shaved? If so good for you and you obviously have a wonderful bone structure for which I envy you; but I think it's somewhat harsh to expect a reception age child to fight feminist battles...

bunchoflowers · 07/07/2008 22:28

yeah - that's basically abusive. The parents must be completely nuts. Call social services!!!

ReallyTired · 08/07/2008 17:48

"yeah - that's basically abusive. The parents must be completely nuts. Call social services!!! "

What do you think social services would do? Don't think that if the little girl was taken into care she would be more unhappy. Do you really think a judge would agree with a child who is otherwise well looked after being taken into care. Second rate parents are generally better than the corporate parent. (Ie. the council)

Looked after children have the lowest GCSE results, they are more likely to get pregnant, get excluded from school or suffer depression or get a criminal record. A child should not be taken away unless its truely desperate.

A lot of children die each year of child abuse because of social services lack the time and resources to visit often enough.

When there are no Victoria Climbe type stories in the news then we can concentrate on kids who have had their hair shaved or who parents disobey the latest parenting fads.

LittleBella · 08/07/2008 22:30

I don't think anyone is seriously suggesting that SS come and take the little girl away.

Just that the behaviour sounds abusive.

Not all abuse is necessarily the remit of SS. As you say yourself, the corporate parent is much more crap than even very crap parents, mostly. Wiht a few terrible exceptions.

But that doesn't mean the abusive behaviour doesn't matter and we should all just shrug our shoulders non-judgementally about it. It's shitty to shave a little girl's head against her will. Just shitty.

Flum · 08/07/2008 22:34

WEll my Dd hates havign her hair nit combed. I told her that if she didn't stop making such a fuss I woudl cut it all off. She did stop the fuss, but if she hadn't........... not sure of shaving though.

It will grow back soon, character building and all that. She will be able to relate to cancer sufferers better etc. She will have a great story to tell her Therapist when she is 35, and miserable, and won't have to take the blame for anythign herself again ever.

claricebeansmum · 08/07/2008 22:38

Tempting, really tempting but DD would be so unhappy. Have just cut out a huge knot though with her permission. .

ReallyTired · 09/07/2008 18:37

"But that doesn't mean the abusive behaviour doesn't matter and we should all just shrug our shoulders non-judgementally about it. It's shitty to shave a little girl's head against her will. Just shitty. "

I agree it is shitty what the parents did, bu LittleBella, what do you suggest?

If social services can do nothing what is the point of calling them? What can anyone do that is concrete and practical.

I know someone who thinks I'm a bad mother for letting my six year old son walk to a letter box on his own and post a letter. (No roads and I could see him.) There is nothing this person can do.

Ultimately there is nothing we can do about this strange parenting decision. Mumsnet is really completely academic.

TeacherSaysSo · 09/07/2008 18:46

I think so many mumsnetters live in a world where they do not see real child abuse that they lose sight of what is abusive and what is just not ideal. You should see the kids thta come into school wothout breakfast everyday, with a packet of skips in their lunchbox or who just cannot do any homework cos they don't have a dining table to work on ffs.

Get some perspective!