To be booooooooored to death of smug PFB comments on MN. It's shite, you know it is.

[welliemum]

It's an old story. Someone posts an OP in which you can see that they?re being quite protective or concerned about their child ? maybe a bit too much so.

Within minutes, someone will ask, ?Is this your first child??

Then the floodgates open for a deluge of posts along the lines of ?Oh, you are a silly little thing - when you have TWO children and are as fabulously wise and experienced as I am, you will See The Error Of Your Ways? [virtual pat on head].

I just don?t get this. It?s like jeering at a learner driver for driving slowly. Would you want an 18 year old with a sparkly new licence to be barrelling down the motorway at 90 mph?

We live in a society where most of us have very little contact with babies until we have our own. IMO it?s absolutely right that new, inexperienced parents should have safety margins the size of Australia until they?ve sorted out what is truly risky and what isn?t. In fact I?d go further and say that that?s the ONLY sensible way to parent if you?re new to the game.

Far rather rush around madly sterilising than put your tiny baby in hospital on a drip because you were too cool to wash a bottle.

As far as I can see, PFB comments have nothing to do with giving helpful advice to a new parent, and everything to do with massaging the ego of the PFB-commentator.

I try to refrain. I am, after all, the person who phoned the maternity ward at 3am to ask whether I needed to sterilize the infacol dropper before I put it back in the bottle.

Welliemum. Very well said.

Has been annoying me too.

Message withdrawn

Oh, with you all the way, welliemum. I hate it in particular as generally speaking we don't know a poster's history - at least a relatively new one's - and don't know their emotional state, whether conception was difficult, whether they've (say) lost a baby. My dd, for example, is a PSB, and I think many people have all sorts of reasons to be more nervous/clingy that yer average.

bless (not in a judgemental way tho)!

lol, stella - I phoned NHSDirect the first time ds slept more than 2hrs...

But is it not sometimes reassuring when a parent with more experience because they have more children, says "When you have 2+ you don't stick so rigidly to the 'rules'"?

PFB may not be tactful

However

Ignoring the advice of people who have already been through the mill isn't wildly productive or sensible, and kind of defeats the whole point on MN.

'I want to start my 5 month old on piano lessons, where do I get a teacher'

so should we all say, 'Look in yellow pages'?

Doodle, I think worded like that, it's not so bad - wheeling out "PFB" in knowing fashion is bloody patronising and not helpful.

Very well said, Wellie.

Also, it's perfectly possible to be knowingly PFBish about new things your oldest child's doing even when you have two

And agree with MB too.

You are both wise and you BOTH have more than one child.

As do I.

Hmm...

Or three.

Well said and exactly what I was thinking! (can we laugh when it's about a third party though? No? Oh. Not even the woman on here having friends and their PFB to stay who made everyone go out in the garden so as not to disturb the baby's bath? G'waaan! It was v funny!)

But in general I find "is this your first?" comments to be just so loaded and smug.

But I don't wellie and MB are at cross-purposes - it's perfectly reasonable to say that in your experience xyz turned out to be the case, and that you wouldn't advise a certain course of action - but loads of posters do come along all arch, with PFB!!! comments and little of any additional help.

But MB, that's not to do with having more than one child, is it? That's just experience.

Which is what the whole "PFB" thing is about. ie "You have one child therefore you couldn't possibly know"

tbh I found everyone telling me to forget the rules the single best thing to happen to me on MN.

it isn't just the number of kids either, it is the age.

Once your kids are older you realize that the small stuff really isn't worth getting that worked up about.

When dd was weaning I was terrified to stray from the pages of Anabelle Karmel, terrified that if I did I've have all manner of troubles.

DD is now 11. i now know that I should have been worried about stuff that ended up being trivial. Someone telling me that might have been useful, but I didn't find MN until she was 5

it isn't just the number of kids either, it is the age.

Once your kids are older you realize that the small stuff really isn't worth getting that worked up about.

When dd was weaning I was terrified to stray from the pages of Anabelle Karmel, terrified that if I did I've have all manner of troubles.

DD is now 11. i now know that I should have been worried about stuff that ended up being trivial. Someone telling me that might have been useful, but I didn't find MN until she was 5

The way MB says sounds like it is meant to be reassuring, and you are right, you should be reassured and take on board other people's experiences.

However it isn't often said in a reassuring way.

yay for welliemum

MB I don't think welliemum is advocating ignoring the advice of experienced parents

just reserving the right as a new or newish parent not to be patronised because you don't have 5 children and know all there is to know about absolutely everything to do with parenting

cross posted PHd

agree with op. one of best things about having second is the relief of being able to say to gp/hv etc 'she's my second' so they don't automatically tick the 'neurotic' box. shouldn't be that way but i always get the feeling they listen to me more carefully with dd2.

Well said welliemum.

I don't think that you should patronise anyone. But neither do I think that pandering to patterns of behavior that are casing stress for no good reason is helpful either.