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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think it isn't a human rights issue if some children in a class don't get invited to a birthday party?

104 replies

Midge25 · 03/07/2008 16:37

Hijacking Radio 2 discussion here - sorry if there's already a thread on this. But surely children need to learn that not everybody is going to be their friend/invite them to their party???

OP posts:
rebelmum1 · 04/07/2008 12:04

There's a lot to be said for smaller class sizes..

more · 04/07/2008 12:05

I think it is bullying.
You do have options and I see them as follows:

a/ invite the whole class
b/ invite only the boys
c/ invite only the girls

TennantbellesMum · 04/07/2008 12:07

I wonder what parents here would do if their child was regularly bullied and beaten at school. HT not taking much action because (as we all know ) primary school children don't bully and it's "just normal everyday playground behaviour", your child is scared to go to school, begs not to etc. Would you still invite the child that kicks ten bells from yours even if they were the last one in the class?

Bumdiddley · 04/07/2008 12:11

Blooming Nora - what happened to four friends, pass the parcel, and a slice of cake to take home??

There is no way on God's green earth that I am going to pay for 30 kids for a party.

Or shall I just wait 'til dcs are at school and eat my words?

PrimulaVeris · 04/07/2008 12:30

It's wrong to:

Invite whole class and exclude 1 or 2
Invite all boys/all girls and exclude 1 or 2

The school has recently a notice to all parents asking them NOT to exclude 1 child in the above formats - though it's a private issue it does spill into school life.

I did the all boy/all girl format in Years R and 1, after that it's always been 10-15 children who are genuine friends (about 10 max from the class - others cousins/neighbours etc). Most people are OK with that formula. My dc's are now 12 and 9, and have instead treats with just 4 or 5 close friends.

PrimulaVeris · 04/07/2008 12:30

It's wrong to:

Invite whole class and exclude 1 or 2
Invite all boys/all girls and exclude 1 or 2

The school has recently a notice to all parents asking them NOT to exclude 1 child in the above formats - though it's a private issue it does spill into school life.

I did the all boy/all girl format in Years R and 1, after that it's always been 10-15 children who are genuine friends (about 10 max from the class - others cousins/neighbours etc). Most people are OK with that formula. My dc's are now 12 and 9, and have instead treats with just 4 or 5 close friends.

Kimi · 04/07/2008 13:55

I cant believe school send letters about this .

It is out side of school and no body has the right to say who should or should not be inviter to my childrens partys.

rebelmum1 · 04/07/2008 13:58

they do if it disrupts lessons with invitations being given out and kids getting upset, there's 30 kids in a class these days - the schools are just saying do it in your own time which I think is fair enough.

rebelmum1 · 04/07/2008 14:00

I'm definitely just going for a few close friends option, I never had more than 10 kids ever if that to my birthdays.

sunnydelight · 04/07/2008 14:02

DD received a birthday invite from a boy in her pre-school class and when we saw the mum picking up her son we accepted. The woman looked at my child blankly, said "oh, I must have put the invite in the wrong basket" and took it from my DDs hand. When I said rather puzzled, no, this is X and it was in her basket she said "oh, it's boys only". Fair enough, DD has one of those funny Irish names so the woman obviously didn't know whether she was a girl or a boy but surely the silly cow could have asked! I have no problem with teaching kids that they can't be invited to every party but I thought that really took the biscuit. When DD asked why Y's mummy didn't want her at the party I must admit I was hard pressed to give the responsible adult response!

So no, not a human rights issue but surely we should be teaching our kids to have some consideration for others.

Oblomov · 04/07/2008 14:10

Ds starts school in Sept. There are 2 classes of 30.
No parties for 60 for me. I shall continue with the 6 or so that i have done for the last 4 yrs.

rebelmum1 · 04/07/2008 14:14

yes stop being so showy

Sawyer64 · 04/07/2008 14:15

I've just had a party in a hall for DD1. I invited all her "Baby Group" (our postnatal group) and all their siblings.I booked a Musical party session,and was told the Maximum children was 18,unless I wanted to pay for an extra "teacher"

I had 16 invited,4 dropped out,I was then able to invite 4 friends from her playgroup.

Average age of children was 3 (nearly 4),and siblings from 8 weeks to 23 mths.

I am now getting terrible grief from MIL for not inviting her PFB Grandson(DD's cousin) aged 6 yrs.

As none of her guests go to school yet the party was at 1.30pm.
Apparently MIL would have taken him out of school for it,and is so angry we didn't invite him!

I hasten to add, he was invited over on her birthday the day before with all the relatives and cousins.

Perhaps I should put this on AIBU!

rebelmum1 · 04/07/2008 14:35

It's like sleeping beauty ..

cat64 · 04/07/2008 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PrimulaVeris · 04/07/2008 15:07

I think reason our school sent out a "please do not exclude 1 child from an all-class party" letter was because there had been 2 separate incidents of this recently, in one case a child with SEN and another who was terribly shy and being bullied.

tori32 · 04/07/2008 21:11

I agree you wouldn't invite the child who bullies yours. I agree that a small number of close friends is the way to go. I don't agree with leaving out 1 or 2 children because they are not in the class click. Having been bullied for most of my school life, I know how awful it is when everyone comes back to school talking about the party and you can't join in because you weren't invited.

MrsBates · 05/07/2008 00:45

Shouldn't they just invite who they like?

TennantbellesMum · 05/07/2008 10:08

tori, I think we have had similar experiences, but I think that parents on the whole were encouraging children to invite me. I don't remember my foster sister going to the parties though, maybe her smell was too bad even for the parents

My birthday is 4th March and you could guarantee I would suddenly have a lot of friends from the start of the second half of the term I would invite some of them that were bullies, especially if I'd been invited to theirs, but the ones who were the worst, who would beat me up regularly wouldn't. My parents taught me (until I got to secondary school) two wrongs don't make a right and I was always willing to make friends with people even if they had picked on me in the past as I never did grudges (I'm far too lazy).

Greyriverside · 05/07/2008 11:30

I felt obliged to invite them 'even though they're mean to me mummy'>>

How do those who say "invite everyone even the class bully" arrange their own adult parties?. Do you invite everyone in the company you work for or everyone in your street. That would include the drug dealers at number 42 would it? and the young lady at number 10 who gets gentleman callers every 15 minutes all night long? It would be unfair to exclude them surely.

or... is it possible that for adult parties you invite your friends. That would be odd behaviour wouldn't it.

PeachyHidingInTheShed · 05/07/2008 11:39

gs [hugs]

ds3 is a delight, lovely nature, kind. he also has sn.

i'm having the devil of a time getting anyone to atend his party. he's also been invited to only 2 this year, both pther sn kids. fortunatrely some of the other pa mums are bringing their lo's so party can go ahead.

ds1 ok not so well behaved but it still hurts him (also sn) when, as his best mate did, people hand every pther child in a xclass an invite. and if yopu tell ytour kids 'oh we dont want x he's not nice / not normal / a bastard your kids will pass it onwards

human rights? no. niceness? oh yes/

small parties fine,why not? its when one kid or two is isolated i get sad

PeachyHidingInTheShed · 05/07/2008 11:43

lol greriverside at the idea that our family with asd kids could ^ever* have people round, it couldnt happen

for things like parties /christenings I make every effort to be inclusive, often that means inviting people i dont like because dh's oldest friends and i.... never gelled shall we say? hey ho, thats life. if you dont challenge your judgements you often dont get to meet lifes most interesting people

drug dealers not quite the ame! difference between inviting 6 yr old bully with parental supervision, and person selling potentially life ending narcotics!

Greyriverside · 05/07/2008 12:11

I'm not heartless and I don't like to think of kids being left out. I just don't think these generous gestures should be at the expense of ruining your own child's special day.

So I have a suggestion. Why not invite a handful of kids over for something else beforehand. A trip to the park and a few treats perhaps.

In the case of those kids who have special needs they are not being excluded because they are bad, but because mums are unsure how much attention they will need and choose the simpler path of not inviting them on what is going to be a difficult day at best. It's all very well saying they could ask, but once they do they would feel awful saying "oh in that case we can't invite him"

If it were a simpler day and a smaller group they could take a chance. Perhaps they'd be surprised to find their kid had made a new friend who could be invited to the next birthday.

PeachyHidingInTheShed · 05/07/2008 12:15

All you'd have to say is 'are you OK to stay with jim?' to the mums

us Sn mums are not stupid, we know if our dc's get party invites then we stay.

Greensleeves · 05/07/2008 14:21

I see what you're saying greyriverside but I struggle to see how having ds1 in the room could really spoil all these children's birthdays. He isn't left out because he's a bully or because he does anything to upset the other children, he's excluded because some of the parents are ignorant nimbys who think he's "weird" and don't want his ASD rubbing off on their nice normal children.

I haven't given the card he made to this child yet, I'm still debating whether to show it to his teacher first, we're having a meeting with her and the senco next week to discuss his interaction difficulties and the transition to year 1. I think it makes a fairly good symbol of how it feels to be the odd one out in a class of 30.