Don't know what to do with this...

[vellichoria]

Hi everyone,

We are currently having some work done in our house. Nothing lengthy; should really be completed soon. Started last week and due to continue for few more days.

I have a challenging situation with neighbours, which I am not sure how to manage best. One of my neighbours has a teenage daughter (c. 16 yo). Her boyfriend came around late evening on Friday because he wanted to speak to us about one of the guys who is doing the work. Apparently, the guy he wanted to speak about looked at his girlfriend "in a funny way" (his words, not mine) and "she was very upset by that" because apparently "it happened to her before". My husband asked him when exactly this happened as he thought it was a bit strange that the guys doing the work would have had any time to look at anyone since they spend most of the time working, and the girl's boyfriend said that apparently one of them came out to smoke for few minutes and that's when it happened. He didn't say anything to her but just looked at her "in a funny way".

My husband listened to the girl's boyfriend and told him he would speak to the guys doing work for us but, to be honest, I am unsure and reluctant for him to start any such conversation; I think "looked in a funny way" is very subjective and open to interpretation. He didn't say or do anything. I don't particularly want to imply or suggest anything. Maybe I am being insensitive and unreasonable but there are a lot of people you can say this about when you are outside and none of us really get to do anything about this sort of thing. Equally, anyone outside can accuse us of looking at them "in a funny way" but, thankfully, not many people get to do anything about that either. Otherwise, there would be no end to all sorts of trouble.

I am not really sure what I should do about this given that the work in our house is not going to continue for much longer anyway. However, the guys doing the work are obviously free to go out and look at anyone they wish. I can neither stop them, nor have any particular desire to talk to them about who they look at when they are outside and much less interpret how they look! I don't control what they do outside the scope of their work in my house. Having said this, I am concerned about the neighbour's daughter coming across them again as this can obviously happen at any point when they are outside and I am not really sure what to do about this. What would you do? Thanks for any advice, suggestions, opinions.

Nope I wouldn't say a thing. We all know what sixteen year olds are like.

🚩🚩🚩from the boyfriend.

I disagree. It might be red flags if HE was complaining that someone looked funny at his girlfriend. But she says she found it very upsetting, so in this case it sounds like he's just looking out for her.

Please elaborate, what are sixteen year olds like?

They are both immature

looking at someone isn’t a crime
looking “in a funny way” is a personal viewpoint
someone feeling upset after encountering someone isn’t automatically the fault of the person they encountered

the person may have been gazing into space - I have been there - some people get angry or upset that they walk across your line of vision and you don’t notice them.

I would say something to your builders but in “I felt you should know what they are saying about you “ way

I think.your DH saying something to the workmen that he has heard one of the workers looked at the teenage neighbour " in a funny way" isn't going to end well. Your DH didn't witness what happened, if indeed any thing did happen. And no doubt the workers will totally deny any wrong behaviour. And it coukd cause problems regarding the work being finished.

I would be very dubious about this. If anything did hapoen to upset the girl then surely she would have told her parents? The bf comes over as jealous and controlling. I would have possibly told him that if her parents have any issues with your workman 's behaviour towards their DD then it should be them approaching you to talk about it.

yeah i reckon the girl has made some random comment to the boyfriend about one of the guys beimg muscular or some shite and her boyfriend is now scared she will dump him so is trying to see off the competition on the premis of her being upset.

all very childish and pathetic. if they have concerns they should go to the police. who will not be interested as it’s not illegal to look at people.

just as well the work is nearky finished. im sure the advice from the girls parents, if they even know, would be along the lines of stay inside dear. with the windows closed and doors locked until the tradesmen go. that would be my advice. she should be at school during working hours anyway.

Immature.

I would do nothing about it because what could you possibly do? If the boyfriend wants to talk to the workman, he is welcome to do that himself.

I'd be very annoyed about him approching you about this.

My response would be something like - " the workmen will be here tomorrow around xpm so you can tell them yourself, I'm not getting involved, that's between you and them" Bye.

I'd have struggled to keep a straight face!!

I guess it depends on the 16yo, but it seems like quite a big thing for him to have raised it to me. I thought we were starting to move past dismissing womens concerns when they're made to feel uncomfortable by men, but apparently not.

You don't need to be sure anything terrible happened, just say concerns have been raised and ask the boss to issue a reminder that people working on site are expected to treat everyone respectfully.

Come on, the 16yr old is obviously afraid to approach the workmen himself, but has no problem approaching OP who is presumably a woman. Get the picture?

As pp said, I'd hardly be able to keep a snort from my gob at his approach. 😊

You'd snort at the suggestion a 16yo girl was made to feel I comfortable by your workmen? Ok, we till have a long long way to go. No wonder women and girls are afraid to speak up.

Perhaps he is afraid to approach the men himself. He's a child too. And they're OP's workmen.

what has given the impression that they are immature?

This is kind of like the arguments my kids used to have 'he kicked me', 'she started it' etc. You really cant know what the look was like unless you saw it.
I think if the gf felt concerned enough that the boyfriend said something, I would take that onboard, but I wouldnt actually do anything, Id just keep a closer eye out. Id say to them thanks for letting me know, Ill keep an eye on it. Or similar.

@Lookingforwardtospringnextyear I think.your DH saying something to the workmen that he has heard one of the workers looked at the teenage neighbour " in a funny way" isn't going to end well. Your DH didn't witness what happened, if indeed any thing did happen. And no doubt the workers will totally deny any wrong behaviour. And it coukd cause problems regarding the work being finished.

This is indeed is exactly what I am concerned about. And to be honest I am not really sure why she's not raised this with her parents who are our neighbours as opposed to her boyfriend who doesn't live with them. We've never even seen him before or since. I don't want to be dismissive or insensitive but equally I don't think it's particularly reasonable to complain about how someone looks at anyone, especially without having witnessed the situation with your own eyes so to speak.

My point was that women are seen as the soft touch always. Boy 16 has issue, won't/is afraid to approach male workers, goes to woman, expects her to solve the male problem.

Get outta here. If he's big enough to approach OP, he's big enough to say something to the workmen too. But he's afraid to do that, so needs a proxy.

I'm afraid I don't agree with you, and when it comes down to it, both boy and girl could approach workmen together, or with a parent, right? The behaviour of workmen on site is not something OP can supervise constantly.

Boyfriend 16 is just showing off in front of his girlfriend, look at me how macho I am defending you love, but I am terrified of saying anything to the guys themselves

This.

I think I’d say to the boss of the job that there has been a complaint, you don’t need to go into details or make a judgement on true/false but ask if they could they smoke in xx location (where they can’t see the girl if that’s possible eg back garden?) and not hang around in xx location (front of house?) till job is finished? It also means that boss can keep an eye on things, it’s his responsibility to make sure his employees are being professional and from his perspective could be bad for business (of course it could be the boss himself).

The first person you need to speak to is the neighbours daughter if you are going to speak to anybody. The boyfriend could have misheard, misunderstood or even embellished what she said.

She could have been upset because the boyfriend was cross someone else had looked at her, or upset over his (constant) questioning.

Obviously you're not going to complain about them "looking funny", but that doesn't mean you should dismiss the concern.

I would want her to clarify what constitutes 'a funny way' and what were the circumstances. She's sounding a bit precious to be honest.

OP is absolutely responsible for the behaviour of people she employs. No she can't watch their very move but she can and should deal with concerns when they're raised.

If she prefers she can of course speak to the girl and her parents too, but you had said you'd snort and ignore.

Could you go round and have a chat with the mum about it? Explain you're concerned that the builders apparently did something to upset her but that the boyfriend hasn't given you much to go on. I definitely wouldn't approach the builders at this point.

We can all speculate about the people involved in this scenario but there's actually so little information that it's impossible to know what it's all about and whether anything untoward happened.

I wouldn't be ordered around by a 16yr old boy under any circumstances without concrete evidence of something that needs addressing.

So no, I wouldn't do a thing unless girl and/her parents approached me.