AIBU about my male partner's female friend?

[poppyXsmile]

Good morning, I would really appreciate some insight please.
(OMG I am actually quite amazed at what I've written as seeing it in black and white does indeed sound quite bad?!)

Long story short. I am female, 40, he is male, 48. We have been together 8 months.
Partner has been very close to his female friend past 5 years (he has known her since they were 7, but lost touch after he moved away, but he moved back to his hometown a few years back).

1. She is very cuddly and flirtatious with him. Facebook photos of them look like boyfriend / girlfriend, or husband / wife (not just me who thinks this), such as a photo of them together on the beach, very close, bikini on.
2. She is married, but cheated on her husband previously with another man. My partner is friends with both she and her husband.
3. Her husband took her back, and my partner went to the house of the guy she was cheating on her husband with, to collect her belongings, and take them back to her house.
4. My partner admits that her husband feels left out when she and my partner are together.
5. His female friend has a photograph of her and her husband, and my partner, with his arm around her, as her main facebook page photo.
6. People have commented before asking if there is anything going on between she and my partner, as she cuddled into him on the bus sleeping apparently when they were coming home from a night out.
7. Recently when he went for lunch with her, she told him to "shut up, change the subject from talking about (me), you like her too much".
8. Before meeting me, he went on holiday with his male friend, this female friend (without her husband), and they all shared a 2 bedroom apartment. The guy she was having the affair with came out on the holiday for a few days too.
9. His female friend borrows money off him sometimes as she has a recreational drug habit at the weekends sometimes.
10. He says they have a brother / sister type relationship? I don't know any brothers and sisters who would be so cuddly and flirty?
11. My partner knows I'm a bit uneasy about his friendship with her. He went to her house for a meal a few weeks ago, her husband was there, her friend, and her adult daughter were there too apparently. I only know this because he had a few drinks and it slipped out.
12. On Sunday, we were supposed to be spending the day together. His female friend texted him saying oh I forgot to tell you, this person's birthday party is on at the pub today, you must come over, my husband is the dj too. My partner went to the party, and I went and did my own thing instead.
13. His friends smoke a lot of cannabis and the smell of it on his clothes makes me feel sick. His friends are nice people, but they drink a lot, and some of them take coke at the weekends. I like drinking wine, but very against drugs, due to personal circumstances and family and friends bad experiences with drugs.
14. I haven't actually met this female friend in person yet, although she has picked my partner up from my house once as there weren't any buses available that day for him to get home.
15. I don't want to meet her as I just know I will not get good vibes from her? He is not seeing her as much as he used to, but I don't want him to feel he can't tell me when he has been to visit her etc?
16. Does any of this make sense? I am not a jealous possessive maniac, but I feel that there are boundaries being blurred here, and it's disrespectful to her husband?
17. My partner does have family he is close too in his home town, so it's not like he moved back again, and didn't know anyone?
18. We also went for a weekend city break, and as soon as we arrived, he took a photo of a pub we walked past and sent it to his female friend, as they had recently been to a social event there together (without her husband).

I think I've realised that what the real issue is for me

Is morals and values.

His morals and values, the morals and values of those he chooses to associate with, and the maturity and lifestyle choices of his friendship group.

Now I'm 40, I'm definitely more inclined to speak my mind, and perhaps this why I'm so all over the place. I worry if I speak my mind openly and honestly, or meet her, I will find it nearly impossible not to roll my eyes, or just be like "what I am doing here with these people? Why am I tolerating this?"

The thought of being single and alone again makes me so sad and upset, but I do very much need to work out if our morals, values, lifestyles etc, can indeed align.

She’s a massive part of his life and you haven’t met her? And you call him your partner? You’re a casual girlfriend in his life at best. To be honest without the weirdness of this, it all sounds exceptionally immature for people in their 40s. Especially the drugs. I don’t think you and him are going to be on the same page about what a relationship is meant to look like and I would throw him back.

OP, I hear you, can I give you some advice? This relationship is going nowhere, not just with this woman as his pseudo life partner, but their entwined friendship groups, the cannabis, it's not you or your style.

I would extricate yourself, join Burned Haystacks on FB and follow it even if it feels a bit extreme in blocking and burning 95% of the men on the apps. You will be left with a few, just a few, and then you can get to know them slowly, finding out their values, behaviour, consistency and so on. I'd go on Bumble and Hinge, do BHDM (it's free) and I bet you find someone lovely as you sound thoughtful and nice and frankly too good for this man!

That's what I would tell you if you were my friend. Every moment you spend with him isn't getting you what you want which is an emotionally sorted great guy who is consistent and thinks he's so lucky to have you and build a life together. You have to move on but the quicker you do it, the better chance of finding someone with compatible lifestyles and values, they sound very immature.

I suspect he fancies her too

Men very rarely spend time on women in this way unless there’s something more to it

I honestly wouldn’t bother meeting her.

Just end it.

You’re never going to win this one. He’s her Facebook photo, says it all, and his first thought was to send her a photo, says it all.

I think it’s definitely him fancying her… if she gave him the nod to be affair partner 2 he would jump at it… exactly as others have said, no man with a shred of dignity would act like this… so embarrassing and she is loving it… cringe cringe cringe

Why didn’t you go to the pub that time for the party her husband was dj at?

It was a glorious sunny day and i didn't want stuck in a dark dingy pub on a Sunday afternoon with drunken strangers. It was a last minute invite he received via text. I was dressed very casually in trainers and leggings as we were supposed to be going for a big walk. I went for a 7 mile walk along the coast in the glorious sunshine instead. Is been out for a few drinks the night before for Halloween so wanted to spend my Sunday exercising and making the most of the sunshine.

48 going on 22, smoking weed, coke, binge drinking.

get rid of this waster

Ah fair enough - so it’s not that you weren’t really invited or didn’t feel welcome.

But this is crucial info anyway: you prefer to spend your time quite differently to him! I can totally see why a dark pub where you don’t know anyone on a glorious day wouldn’t be appealing. He’s entitled to go see his mates, but it also sounds a bit like she snaps her fingers and he jumps. The whole friendship dynamic sounds awful (cheating, husband, affair partner, drugs, etc). You sound level headed and sensible and pleasant and independent. It doesn’t sound like he or his friends are ideally suited for you. And that’s a compliment!

She’s a friend with benefits - he’s definitely shagged her or wants to - do yourself a favour and give this a wide one! Also not accepting you as a friend on Facebook - Wtaf are you doing?!?!

Come on get rid. How many red flags do you need!

I’d be appalled of anyone ended a long standing friendship due to the jealousy and insecurity of a new partner.

Doesnr matter if it’s a woman binning off her female friends or male ones, or a man doing the same. Any one who wants to control their partners friendships and habe them change their friend ship circle shouldn’t be in a relationship with the person.

accept it or end it,

Substance abuse buddies and he emotionally prioritizes another woman? Eight months of this bullshit?

Dump. He's using you. He's emotionally and likely physically involved with his married gf. Add in the substance abuse and your relationship has no future unless you like being the 3rd wheel or runner up. He likes being more than one woman's focus and you will never be able to feel secure with him. That's how he wants it.

This is not even close to a sibling relationship and he knows it and you know it. Call him on his bullshit. But the best thing to do would be drop him and block him. He'll know why.

Get STI testing.

This summarises the issue. You don't meet someone and then try and get rid of their close friend of many years before you. If you don't like them having friends, you meet a recluse and try and have a relationship with them

I want to add in that I'm not trying to get anyone to get rid of their friends, or bin their friends, or control who they can and can't see.

I just find the dynamics all a bit strange, and I appreciate people giving me their opinions and insights onto the situation.

Well you are. You dont like him having a friend who wears bikinis on the beach, takes pics with him, borrows his money to the extent that you can't face seeing her.

Arent men interested in your company unless they can have sex with you?

I've always been close to male relatives and had a lot of male friends. We spend a good deal of time together just hanging out.

I don't know any! That's WAY too much/too close.

Tbh OP it's so over the line that your BF has zero boundaries for your relationship with him. If you have to spell it out he's not the one for you.

And she needs to grow up, she sounds beyond pathetic.

Honestly, I would ditch him. If it wasn't her it could be someone else. There are men out there who would put her in her place without being told to by their partners.

I would finish with him on the basis of him having friends who use illegal drugs. No tolerance for close friendships with opposite sex either when in a relationship.