AIBU about my male partner's female friend?

[poppyXsmile]

Good morning, I would really appreciate some insight please.
(OMG I am actually quite amazed at what I've written as seeing it in black and white does indeed sound quite bad?!)

Long story short. I am female, 40, he is male, 48. We have been together 8 months.
Partner has been very close to his female friend past 5 years (he has known her since they were 7, but lost touch after he moved away, but he moved back to his hometown a few years back).

1. She is very cuddly and flirtatious with him. Facebook photos of them look like boyfriend / girlfriend, or husband / wife (not just me who thinks this), such as a photo of them together on the beach, very close, bikini on.
2. She is married, but cheated on her husband previously with another man. My partner is friends with both she and her husband.
3. Her husband took her back, and my partner went to the house of the guy she was cheating on her husband with, to collect her belongings, and take them back to her house.
4. My partner admits that her husband feels left out when she and my partner are together.
5. His female friend has a photograph of her and her husband, and my partner, with his arm around her, as her main facebook page photo.
6. People have commented before asking if there is anything going on between she and my partner, as she cuddled into him on the bus sleeping apparently when they were coming home from a night out.
7. Recently when he went for lunch with her, she told him to "shut up, change the subject from talking about (me), you like her too much".
8. Before meeting me, he went on holiday with his male friend, this female friend (without her husband), and they all shared a 2 bedroom apartment. The guy she was having the affair with came out on the holiday for a few days too.
9. His female friend borrows money off him sometimes as she has a recreational drug habit at the weekends sometimes.
10. He says they have a brother / sister type relationship? I don't know any brothers and sisters who would be so cuddly and flirty?
11. My partner knows I'm a bit uneasy about his friendship with her. He went to her house for a meal a few weeks ago, her husband was there, her friend, and her adult daughter were there too apparently. I only know this because he had a few drinks and it slipped out.
12. On Sunday, we were supposed to be spending the day together. His female friend texted him saying oh I forgot to tell you, this person's birthday party is on at the pub today, you must come over, my husband is the dj too. My partner went to the party, and I went and did my own thing instead.
13. His friends smoke a lot of cannabis and the smell of it on his clothes makes me feel sick. His friends are nice people, but they drink a lot, and some of them take coke at the weekends. I like drinking wine, but very against drugs, due to personal circumstances and family and friends bad experiences with drugs.
14. I haven't actually met this female friend in person yet, although she has picked my partner up from my house once as there weren't any buses available that day for him to get home.
15. I don't want to meet her as I just know I will not get good vibes from her? He is not seeing her as much as he used to, but I don't want him to feel he can't tell me when he has been to visit her etc?
16. Does any of this make sense? I am not a jealous possessive maniac, but I feel that there are boundaries being blurred here, and it's disrespectful to her husband?
17. My partner does have family he is close too in his home town, so it's not like he moved back again, and didn't know anyone?
18. We also went for a weekend city break, and as soon as we arrived, he took a photo of a pub we walked past and sent it to his female friend, as they had recently been to a social event there together (without her husband).

Some women wouldn’t have any problem with this.

I am not one of them.

Well I think you should assume their long standing very close relationship isn't going to change just because he has started a relationship with you.

Personally i think you either need to accept this woman is a very big part of his life or you walk away. And walking away would seem by far the most sensible thing to do for your own happiness.

I'd throw him back, who needs all that nonsense to be concerned about.

He's a puppet on her string and its embarrassing. He wouldn't be my partner

I’m not convinced their relationship is purely platonic
at the very least she’s a massive part of his life and time and headspace. I don’t think I could be bothered getting involved with all of that. There would be three people in your marriage !

If he won't let you meet her and make friends with her too, or she doesn't want to make friends with you, that's a red flag.

In mixed sex friendships it's correct for people to want to also try to be friends with the partner. If it turns out they don't have so much in common that's fine but you make yourself open and unthreatening. Otherwise it can look like you've got ulterior motives.

You seem to know an awful lot about her. But yet you're not allowed to meet.

I don't understand why you think your partner saying he lends her money for drugs doesn't make it look like he also takes them. How would he know what it was for? So yeah he's no angel on that front either I can almost guarantee it. Like why would he choose to mention drugs at all? Hmmm....

I am a man, and on one hand I think existing friendships should be maintained, however I also think that he is being disrespectful to you.

I have close female friends, however I was always mindful of a) how my wife might feel as I always wanted her to feel like the number 1 person in my life, which she was, and b) how it looked to everyone else as I didn't want anyone questioning anything.

I have nothing against friends of the opposite sex but This situation would make me feel like the third wheel in their relationship. He either tones the friendship down and puts boundaries or it's not going to work for me and she can have him 24/7.

He’s her man by the sounds of it. Walk away.

You are only 8 months in. You are not happy. Forget the analysis. Move on.

Clearly neither of them have any respect for appropriate boundaries (as a minimum)

I really appreciate the replies, thank you.

It has given me a lot to think about indeed.

He also won't add me as a friend on Facebook so that says something too I suppose!

You've been together 8 months. He's your boyfriend and it's far too soon to be dictating how he behaves with his friends

You're worried about the "disrespect to her husband" - yeah, course you are.

You're not happy with it and you should dump him.

I'm quite a relaxed person, and on another ongoing thread, I've said, I don't mither about my husband having female friends but there's a lot going on here and quite a few red flags. I'd get out while you can.

Throw this man and his loser friends back into the pond they came from.

Nope. I know we're supposed to be about female solidarity on here but she sounds like a nightmare. She likes the attention. Your DP (and her DH) are idiots.

If she's coming between you this early in your relationship it's only going to get worse.

Bin him off.

What a mess!

I'd leave them all to it

Who could be bothered with all that nonsense, walk away, protect your peace

Just no.
Only 8 months in and all this ?
Throw him back.

You aren't going to change the relationship he has with this woman.

The only decision you have to make is whether you want to continue your relationship with him (and, by extension) her and the overall shitshow, or not.

Personally I would be running a fucking mile.

She fancies him, he likes it, and it's a mess. I would walk away.

Lots of red flags here. Get rid of this one OP.

Yeah I'm pretty open about stuff like this - i have several male friends. But there's so much red flag bunting here ....

But it's not a brother / sister type relationship is it? That kind of relationship doesn't make people's husband or partners uncomfortable. A sister or brother wouldn't tell their sibling to stop talking about their new relationship because they like their partner too much. A brother and sister don't flirt and cuddle to the point where people ask what's going on. I have male friends who I've been away with, who I see without my husband etc. And most of this would make me uncomfortable

Nope. I couldn’t be arse with this. Far too involved in each other. I’d be leaving them to it personally. At their age they’re not going to change