AIBU about my male partner's female friend?

[poppyXsmile]

Good morning, I would really appreciate some insight please.
(OMG I am actually quite amazed at what I've written as seeing it in black and white does indeed sound quite bad?!)

Long story short. I am female, 40, he is male, 48. We have been together 8 months.
Partner has been very close to his female friend past 5 years (he has known her since they were 7, but lost touch after he moved away, but he moved back to his hometown a few years back).

1. She is very cuddly and flirtatious with him. Facebook photos of them look like boyfriend / girlfriend, or husband / wife (not just me who thinks this), such as a photo of them together on the beach, very close, bikini on.
2. She is married, but cheated on her husband previously with another man. My partner is friends with both she and her husband.
3. Her husband took her back, and my partner went to the house of the guy she was cheating on her husband with, to collect her belongings, and take them back to her house.
4. My partner admits that her husband feels left out when she and my partner are together.
5. His female friend has a photograph of her and her husband, and my partner, with his arm around her, as her main facebook page photo.
6. People have commented before asking if there is anything going on between she and my partner, as she cuddled into him on the bus sleeping apparently when they were coming home from a night out.
7. Recently when he went for lunch with her, she told him to "shut up, change the subject from talking about (me), you like her too much".
8. Before meeting me, he went on holiday with his male friend, this female friend (without her husband), and they all shared a 2 bedroom apartment. The guy she was having the affair with came out on the holiday for a few days too.
9. His female friend borrows money off him sometimes as she has a recreational drug habit at the weekends sometimes.
10. He says they have a brother / sister type relationship? I don't know any brothers and sisters who would be so cuddly and flirty?
11. My partner knows I'm a bit uneasy about his friendship with her. He went to her house for a meal a few weeks ago, her husband was there, her friend, and her adult daughter were there too apparently. I only know this because he had a few drinks and it slipped out.
12. On Sunday, we were supposed to be spending the day together. His female friend texted him saying oh I forgot to tell you, this person's birthday party is on at the pub today, you must come over, my husband is the dj too. My partner went to the party, and I went and did my own thing instead.
13. His friends smoke a lot of cannabis and the smell of it on his clothes makes me feel sick. His friends are nice people, but they drink a lot, and some of them take coke at the weekends. I like drinking wine, but very against drugs, due to personal circumstances and family and friends bad experiences with drugs.
14. I haven't actually met this female friend in person yet, although she has picked my partner up from my house once as there weren't any buses available that day for him to get home.
15. I don't want to meet her as I just know I will not get good vibes from her? He is not seeing her as much as he used to, but I don't want him to feel he can't tell me when he has been to visit her etc?
16. Does any of this make sense? I am not a jealous possessive maniac, but I feel that there are boundaries being blurred here, and it's disrespectful to her husband?
17. My partner does have family he is close too in his home town, so it's not like he moved back again, and didn't know anyone?
18. We also went for a weekend city break, and as soon as we arrived, he took a photo of a pub we walked past and sent it to his female friend, as they had recently been to a social event there together (without her husband).

This reads like it’s people in their 20s, they all need to grow up.
I think her DH is a mug, and I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.
Your partner enjoys the attention.
I don’t think you’ll have a moments peace if you stay in this relationship.
Bin him.

It’s still the start of your relationship, so he should be showing you his best side and prioritising you. It probably isn’t going to get any better than this, I’m sorry to say, and I think that should influence your decision.

His attention is too much with his friend to make you feel secure and valued, and that’s valid. It would be valid if it was a male friend.

Bear in mind that as we get older, it can be really hard to join your partner’s friendship group. It’s not necessary to do that of course, but you also shouldn’t be made to feel like a complete outsider. I’d argue that the dynamic that’s been set is not the start of a healthy relationship.

Judge your relationship by its worst bits, not its best bits. I couldn’t feel happy or confident in this set up. I don’t think many could.

He’s into her, shes not into him but likes being being adored and followed by a lapdog. Normal male/female friendship this isnt… throw this one back

I have a male best friend (I am female) I would t dream of behaving in this manner .

This

It's not often that this bomb drops but - LTB.

Exactly.
If a still-new relationship is causing all this angst, it is not a good fit for you.
(And why would it be, with this tight little gang of oddbods who seem very far from your kind of people?)

This is bordering on a poly / swingers lifestyle by the sounds of it.

Also am I reading it right that he basically facilitated his friends affair despite also being friends with his friends husband? And still hangs about as a three even though it makes the husband uncomfortable?

This wouldn’t work for me or a lot of other people I imagine
I may be wrong but it sounds almost as if he is doing it to wind you up
If I was expecting to see my partner and he got a call from a friend to say come to a party and he changed his plans with me I probably wouldn’t answer a call or message from him again
Don’t forget this is early days in your relationship- this is as good as it gets

Sounds like they are Dexter and Emma and sadly, in this tale, you are Sylvie. Or even worse, Ian. Or they are Harry and Sally and you are Helen.

IYKYK.

If your gut tells you there's more to it (even if they never acted on it), you are probably right. My ex had a few female besties and I never ever had any doubts or worries. Then one random colleague I met in passing and huge alarm bells ding ding ding... yep she was the one he cheated with.

Feels to me like it's probably only a timing wrong place / wrong time why they aren't together. I also think you're probably worth being someone's number one choice.

I'm not saying he's horrible or he's cheated. Just that it feels like she's probably his true love.

I really do appreciate the replies, thank you.

Oh my god I really have had my eyes opened as it does seem quite dysfunctional and mad when it's in black and white written down.

We also went on holiday abroad, and he bought his female friend and her husband gifts back from the holiday. Apart from a fridge magnet for a family member, he didn't buy gifts for anyone else.

Yes it does seem a bit bizarre now I see it all collated together.

He is a very nice person though, as we have a good time together, but this female friend always comes up in our conversations.

Maybe I should insist we go and meet her this weekend say in the pub, and observe it all myself and make a decision about what I should do next.

OP, he's just not that into you, read the 'He's Just Not That Into You' book!

My husband has female friends, he sees them occasionally for a coffee or a lunch meeting, no photos, no holidays, no being a third wheel, no brother and sister tal, at the very least it's completely inappropriate for his friend's marriage, at worst they have a parallel relationship of sorts with yours and her husbands.

8 months in, you should be the centre of his world and he should be proud to show you that, he's not, accept the truth!

He's talking about her all the time, OP! How clearer do you need it?!

Throw this one back, it shouldn’t be this difficult 8 months in. Far too dysfunctional for me personally. Leave them to each other.

This is it! He is half in love with her, can't have her and this is second best. He's prepared to throw away the chance of building a life with someone else for her, she's dangling him on a string, getting him to pick up stuff after her affair, talking about you and her shutting him up.

OP, this is bad, just dump!

I just think you already know?

We often want to be factual about these things - we want 'evidence' and 'proof'. I imagine he probably isn't cheating so there will be nothing to prove. Just your instinct that there is some unexplored dynamic between the two of them that will always be there until they explore it.

I'd gently suggest you don't want to be around if they do, and also if they don't... it wouldn't be great to be cheated on but it also wouldn't be super brilliant to always feel like one's partner has untapped feelings for someone else?

You're unreasonable at your age for tolerating shit you don't like in a brief, months old relationship. I don't mean to be rude, but most 40 year old women I know have their boundaries well in place by your age. You (all) sound very, very young to be honest.

He's not going to dump a woman he's known and been fond of since he was 7 for a girlfriend he's been with less than a year. I've got pants older than that. It sounds so teenage I'd have got bored with it about 6 months ago and dumped him.

A few of those wouldn’t bother me, but number 12 would piss me off so I’d walk away.

Was he single for a long time before he met you? Has he had many relationships since moving back to him home town? I wonder if their friendship is the reason he was single....?

If you're not happy with this at 8 months, you need to finish it, it doesn't sound like she is going anywhere!

OP, you should definitely meet her before you make any hasty judgements. If they were going to have an affair, they would have done already, wouldn't they? There are lots of elements of your account that make me wonder how compatible your lifestyles are. His suggestion that his friends are making his clothes smell of weed is the sort of thing someone would say to their mum not partner. Not sure i believe him myself.

I think you both need to put your partner first in a relationship but also respect their existing relationships. A new partner laying down the law about when i could or couldn't see a friend wouldn't work for me.

You seem to have lots of preconceived ideas about what this woman would be like if you did meet her, none of them positive, and although every new partner might have one rogue friend you don't instantly love, i think liking a partner's friends is all part of the deal. If he likes her and you really didn’t, once you have actually met her, obviously, i wonder how compatible you are.

You have described her as an adulterous druggie who borrows money and this impression has come from your partner. He thinks she's great, from what you have said and enjoys hanging out with her, and it did make me wonder if they have more in common than you and her.

Did he tell you she told him to stop going on about you as a sort of compliment to you? If not, it seems a strange thing to report. As you haven't met her, you won't be able to gauge the context.

I have some opposite sex friends who would tolerate me talking about a new partner for five minutes tops. Do you have any male friends? I think heart to hearts are less common in male/female friendships than women's friendships, and DH seems to have almost zero with his male friends. They wouldn't volunteer any information and he wouldn't think to ask. They are really close but in different ways. Banter prevails, and there is definitely much more of that in my mixed friendships, which i treasure. I wouldn't be seeing less if them if asked to by a new partner, and anyone who wanted to exert control on my leisure time wouldn't last long, but there is no chance of infidelity, DH knows them too and comes along sometimes and doesn't see them, or anyone, a threat. Get to know this friend, join in and rather than feeling threatened, consider whether this relationship is giving you what you want and need.

Again, all of these perspectives are really appreciated, thank you for taking the time to reply.

It is giving me a lot to think about.

These kinds of close MF relationships are never platonic IMO, but you can't tell him who to be friends with, only decide if you want a reltionship on this basis. I think you'll save yourself a lot of heartache if you decide you don't.

Goodness, either this woman is a goddess, or she manages to surround herself with a bunch of limp lettuces for men. I wouldn't want my partner being one of them.