Who had the harder week?

[Budgiedrama]

DC’s dad and I do not share finances, but we do live together. We share two under 12s.
Last week (half term) I took the DCs away. I paid for everything (accommodation/ flights/ food). He sent £100. I then came back and sent him my share of the mortgage.
Everything that I’ve asked him to do today has been met with ‘well I haven’t just had a lovely week in X’, ‘you should have thought about that before you went away’ (like finding uniform/ doing homework).
He has just had a week of having the house to himself, two days off which he did the bare minimum with (laundry, hoovering, washing up). I have had a week looking after two children, yes it was a holiday but not luxurious/ all inclusive. Plus I paid for it.
We are not in a relationship so it’s hard for me to raise if I’m actually being unreasonable, I need concrete reasons as to why I’m annoyed that he seems to think I had it easier last week. I disagree and think parenting with sunshine is still parenting.

He needs to stop playing who has the worst life. There’s are no winners in that game. I would be irritated at him though as he could have organised that stuff earlier.
It sounds like he is jealous and taking it out on you.

No one would go on holiday if it wasn’t a break from real life. There are lots of things you don’t do when on holiday like cooking, cleaning, going to work etc. Yes, you still have to look after the kids if you took them with you but how old are they? Unless pre-school age or unless they have SEN looking after them on holiday where you can relax the rules and don’t have to get them to do things like homework shouldn’t be a huge challenge, assuming you enjoy spending time with your kids.

If your kids dad was still having to go to work last week I’d say he had the worst week, I’d rather a week on holiday with kids than a week at home going to work by myself.

I wouldn't even. I'd just say "OK, next year, we'll swap. You organise and pay for a holiday for you and the kids and I'll hold the fort here. Fairs, fair after all."

Since you've stated "under 12s" I'm going to assume that they are at the top of that age range (if you'd had a pre-schooler, for example, you would have mentioned it to add weight to your argument). So not small children that need every little thing doing for them.

Personally I think that going on holiday with older primary school children is not particularly hard, and whether his week with no children was hard depends on the nature of his job. I've definitely had jobs where I came home exhausted and needed the weekend to recoup, and ones where I've had a nice relaxed week.

I'd personally find your week easier so am with your ex. I also think you should have both communicated expectations before you went away.

This is what I was getting at. Though I think it can be hard, if you've parented in a way that means your preteen kids have wild expectations about how they must be entertained and cuddled and/or you're the type who does that performative OTT parenting to try and prove how hard life is for Supermums

This is a relationship...?

Under 12s is a big age range. 9 and 11 is nothing like 1 and 3. I would have had a great time with my DC from 6 up. Having 2 under 5 would have been tough.
It's a stupid argument anyway. Who knows who had it harder? Why does it matter who had it harder? It's not worth the energy arguing over.

What are you talking about? Of course it's a holiday! I travelled all sorts of places around the world as a single parent, and never once found it hard work.

I now travel solo with a grandchild, so I am 20+ years older than I was as a parent, and it's still a wonderful and fun experience.

I actually enjoy traveling with and spending quality time with my children/grandchild, having adventures and whatnot. I tend to DIY as well, and it's still not stressful traveling with children.

Why do you live together if you are not in a relationship? It would be best for everyone, including the children, for you to live separately and arrange a contact schedule and regular child maintenance payment. No good will come from this current set up, it is breeding comparison and resentment, which the children will be picking up on, even if you think they are oblivious.

Does it matter? Ridiculous point scoring is just childish. Either stop living together or find a way to live in the same house successfully. All it does is upset everyone - especially the children. Do they know you have separated?

What the hell kind of a situation are you making these kids live in?

Well you had a holiday that you chose to go on and he worked. But does it matter?

Depends whether you like the company of your children or not. Which will depend a lot on their ages. My DDs are now 18 and 16 and I would choose them as my favourite people to holiday with.

A poster above has raised a valid point.

if you are ruminating over whether or not a holiday is better than a normal working life, I think save your money and don’t go!

You’ve missed the point. If you can afford a holiday, that’s the easy part. Parenting on holiday can be exhausting, even if it’s enjoyable too.

Going to work and chilling out the rest of the time is much less exhausting.

Why live together? It doesn’t sound like it’s a good idea to be constantly sniping in front of children

I'd guess the children have the hardest week if they have parents bickering over who had the hardest week. You both need to grow up.

He didn’t have a week off work though, he had two days off.

I was just going to say very similar-no one ever wins competitive tiredness competitions.

You're on a hiding to nothing here-and yes, I am going to trot out the old comparison is the thief of joy.

Did you enjoy your break? Just leave it at that and don't engage.

This!

And leave the uniform for him to find and wash on his return. Well, he would have had the easier week afterall!

I haven’t missed the point, choosing to take your children on holiday and then moan about how hard your life is is ridiculous.

When you say under 12s - is this a 3 and 5yo or 11 and 9yo type thing - obviously the older ones are not going to be as difficult.

It’s a difficult one because you’ve had the week off work and had a nice holiday but still had some parenting.

Whilst he’s had a week of work, no holiday but no parenting.

I would say it’s pretty even (maybe mentally you’ve had more of a break) but regardless of who had it ‘easier’, he should have still made sure the school uniforms were ready for Monday.
It’s basic parenting.

If it was a holiday as the only adult to a 1 and 2 year old id have sympathy. But surely two under 12 isn't that hard work. I've been holidaying with 2x under 12 for many years as a single parent and its far better than being at work. If it isn't youre doing it very wrong!

I’ve taken the kids away on holiday (well to visit extended family) by myself and left DH at home. I always book a cleaner to come in on the last day before we arrive back, as house will be a mess if DH is there by himself for an even 3 or 4 days.

I’ve suggested DH take the kids to visit his family by himself also and he’s only ever done it once (when I had to care for my dying father). He refused to do it every other time, because he knows how much work is involved in looking after 2 kids while on holiday.

op, one of the absolute joys of not being in a relationship with the father of your children any more, is you don’t have to engage, you’re no longer needed to make sure they like you. Just ignore him.