To think it'd be normal to tell your spouse if someone gave you £10k?

[Flabberjollywellgasted]

Not intending to brag. I discovered recently that a family member has given us £10,000 - not once, but twice. Once recently, once 6 months ago. But my DH apparently hasn't thought it important enough to tell me about it.

We're not so crazy rich that this wouldn't be a significant amount of money. The account it went into is a joint one, but I rarely look at it (maybe I will more in future!).

DH did say early this year that family member had suggested they might pay something towards the cost of something specific and I said I wouldn't have a principled objection, assuming he meant 1-2k. He never said any more, so I assumed nothing had come of it.

The second payment appears to be related to an inheritance from a family friend, probably left to our family member. I knew nothing about it at all.

We've been married 20 years and I don't get on with said family member. DH has previously promised not to share confidential things with them about our family that I don't know about. I'm not very happy that I've not been aware (though obviously happy to have the money).

YANBU - most people would tell their spouse.
YABU - it'd be reasonable for your spouse to keep this quiet.

I don’t get it. He put it in a joint account and it sounds like he did originally tell you about it and you just assumed that he was talking about a smaller sum of money. You don’t seem to have shown much interest or curiosity about it and don’t check the joint account, but it was hardly hidden.

You sound very checked out of finances in general tbh if you never even noticed it.

If I was the one dealing with all finance related things, and general permission was sought (which you say it was), then I can easily see it just being filed away mentally as "just another finance related thing spouse doesn't want to hear about".

It doesn't seem like it was hidden in any way, I can see easily how this happened without any ill intent.

It’s a joint account so it’s in no way hidden from you.

Ofcourse he should have told you. The only reason I can think of him not mentioning it is because you don’t get along with ‘said’ family member and he didn’t want to upset you by mentioning that particular person?

As long as the payments were in the joint account then I can’t see much harm done tbh. It’s not as if he was squirrelling it away for himself.

Are you planning on making a drama out of this OP?

I wouldn't, if my marriage was otherwise good.

Thanks.

It's a joint account but I hadn't looked at it for months as we'd switched bank and DH hadn't got as far as giving me the new bank's login details. He organises all the finances and makes the decisions about spending. He is the wage earner and I'm unable to work for health reasons. I'm trying to get more involved in the finances now, which is why I found out.

I'd say our marriage is...strained. We were doing couples counselling but life kind of got in the way and it fizzled out. One reason for the strain is DH's family member - let's call them Aunt Mabel - trying to be overly involved in our family life and DH engaging with her in a way that shut me out. Aunt Mabel wants him to divorce me because she dislikes me and doesn't like having me in the family. She has previously offered to buy things for him if it would encourage him to leave.

I don't have such an issue with the first payment as I'd agreed the principle. It was for a purchase for DH's use, not mine, so not really any of my business. But I do think it's weird him not telling me about the second payment. As far as I can tell, Aunt Mabel appears to have inherited some money and passed it on to DH. I've not spoken to him about it yet as he's currently away with work.

I worry about money gifts having strings attached which is why I'd always tell DH if e.g. my parents wanted to give us even a small amount, to make sure he was happy about it. I'd assume he'd do the same, but apparently not!

I can’t imagine being so detached from family finances!

If your marriage is strained and you aren’t earning, it make sense for your DH to protect his assets.

I don’t have such an issue with the first payment as I’d agreed the principle

I’d definitely tell DH if a family member gave me money. I wouldn’t expect it to be something he had to agree with me accepting though.

He should have told you. If this money is in a joint account it is available to you both so you have jointly accepted two very generous gifts. Yet you have not had the opportunity to say thanks, send a nice card, send flowers of you had wished or acknowledge the gift in any way. The gift giver must wonder why you have not acknowledged his/her gift in any way. I would be embarrassed to have access to such a gifted sum of money and not have acknowledged it in any way.

Well, the good bit is he hasn't actively hidden the money by depositing it into an account only he can access.

The not so good news is him having control of all finances, making all spending decisions, and not giving you log in details to the bank account. That's financially controlling. Even though you're not earning, I'm guessing you may receive some PIP or disability payments that go into the accounts? Do you also do more at home than he does to offset the earning disparity? You're married OP, so it's family money and should be treated as such.

Yes he absolutely should of discussed this with you. I'd be getting back to counselling maybe individual would bemorehelpful than couples to start off with.

I'd also be turning on all notifications for any joint bank accounts you have so you know what's going on. If you want to be a team with equal knowledge/Input rather than separate maybe sitting down and going over together what that looks like would be helpful.

He didnt keep it quiet though did he?

He told you about it, in that some money was coming and then it when in the joint account

You sound like you're just sitting there like a little child waiting to be given the log in details - ask for them, sit there and write them down

Having said that, I never ever ever use or look at our joint account, I should do, but Im forever forgetting the password/login, I always have to go to the bank to sort it out, such a faff. Im the higher earner, I earn nearly double what my OH earns, I use my own money for things so just am not interested in the joint account, I use my own.

However that is not your situation so you need to be on top of it more.

If Aunt Mabel wanted to buy you out from the family she would hardly have passed on an inheritance. I'm sure Aunt Mabel would know you would benefit from that inheritance even in a divorce. Maybe Aunt Mabel just thinks you are a lazy arse or selfish or self absorbed rather than actively hating you.

Maybe it's time for a proper sit down chat with DH. About finances, about communication, about family in general and how to rebuild links. Get that therapy re-started.

Edit
The not so good news is him having control of all finances, making all spending decisions, and not giving you log in details to the bank account. That's financially controlling.
It's not financially controlling if the person who doesn't really care about it doesn't bother finding the information. That's on OP.

I don’t think it’s financially controlling if the OP just hasn’t recently tried engaging with their finances. In a healthy marriage he would have told her but this isn’t a healthy marriage and if he wanted to hide it he’d have put it in a different account

You don’t like the family member but are happy to accept significant sums of money from her.

So you dont like the family member - but you like getting her money? ......

Im often surprised that people show such a lack of natural curiosity
what was the specific thing someone had offered to pay for and did you ever get it
I would expect, however, to be told directly about a sum as large as 10,000 x 2

I can’t imagine ever not knowing what’s in my bank accounts, whether they are just mine or joint. This is why so many women get shafted if they divorce.

aunt Mabel sounds a joy!

He probably knew you wouldn't be happy about it and assumed (almost rightly) that you wouldn't notice the extra money in the account.

It’s weird from both ends, you seem to largely opt out of family finances which is far from ideal too.

If your marriage is strained, I wouldn't be surprised by a lack of communication.