Family have went ballistic over separation

[Usernames82]

No major story. Husband and I separating to try figure out what’s next for our marriage. Been very happy but a difficult baby journey and significant mental health issues both sides have just changed us. I’m not sure it’s recoverable but we’re on very good terms and living together for our child until we have a longer term plan.

I have a very odd relationship with my family needing control and excessive opinion on my life. I moved away quite young because of this at the advice of a mental health professional. They also adore my husband to an unhealthy level, and I’ve always felt they’ve never felt I was worthy of his love and the marriage.

Anyway I took our child to see family for half term, and I let them know this week about the split. I knew their reaction would be bad nothing could have prepared me for how bad it was. I’ve been subject to abuse after abuse from one sister, complete silent treatment from another, anger and accusations from both parents. I bit my tongue for the few days, but this morning leaving I burst into tears and sent some pretty harsh texts. I just am so exhausted from their ill treatment and reached the end of my tether.

Sister has since deleted me from social media, no one talking to me, niece doesn’t want to see me as she doesn’t want to get involved. And I just feel so alone and angry.

There was no one else, I’ve no cheated or abandoned my family. Even my husband who takes full accountability for his part in the marriage breakdown is angry with my family as I’ve done nothing to deserve it.

How do I move on from here?

I don't really see why you told them, you are working on things with your husband, having counselling and will still be living together and co parenting for now, so other than your closest supporters why does anyone even need to know yet? Apart from what happens in the bedroom nothing will change, especially not to outside observers. You know your family aren't part of your support network. You have to drop the rope. For now what's done is done, just ignore them

Heya I think this is irrelevant. My own personal narrative at the moment is that we are separating and likely to end. I would have hoped for some support and kindness. Absolutely I was an idiot to expect that but I’m not in the wrong for telling them.

But for your own wellbeing you are wrong, because you telling them came with a hope or expectation of support or at least kindness, they have shown you seemingly repeatedly this is not who they are. You need to build a support network elsewhere

There's that thing isn't there, you can't change people only the way you react to them, or something like that. Totally understandable you don't want to go NC for now, just put them on the back burner. I come from a very difficult family too and tbh, it's a slow process figuring how best to deal with them and protecting your own wellbeing.

Sympathies OP. I had a very similar situation- in fact, my family stayed in touch with my ex-husband and didn't bother with me, I was told I wasn't thinking of the children's well-being etc etc. There were a few instances of my family arranging days out with ex when he had the kids (this is so bonkers, looking back.)
This was many years ago, and I didn't go nc but kept my distance. I've grown closer to my family in the meantime, and I think they were terrified for my future and that came out in a very ugly and hurtful way. I have had an apology. My father, in particular, has matured a lot and now knows he was seeing the failure of my marriage as a reflection on him- He has had therapy since this and knows now that the world doesn't revolve around him!

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would massively reduce contact with your family. YABU for expecting them to be any different than how they’ve been in the past.

You have to cut contact with them. End of.
💐

@Usernames82 I wouldn’t usually say this but honestly, I’d just block them. They have no idea what your daily life is like. What you and your DH do is actually not their business and you don’t have to take any notice. And actually you don’t even have to listen.

They are all mental. Im
sorry this is your shitty family :(

Stay away from them.
You do not need such callous negativity at the moment or ever around you.

Ugh as the saying goes, you can choose your friends, but not your family. Don't worry about the messages you've sent. Probably long overdue, tbh. How you handle your marriage is nobody's business, but your own. Go NC with this toxic bunch. Look out for you, and your children. Sending you a hug💐

if it’s any consolation my family would do the same or worse. That’s why I don’t tell them anything and keep contact to the bare minimum.

It's terrible they responded this way. When the chips are down you see the real side of people. I wouldn't go NC. They are upset and will get over it. Essentially they are just very controlling. Stand your ground quietly and firmly. You will need family ties when you leave your husband. People on here might say you won't but realistically it makes it a lot easier. Just go low contact for a bit and don't buy into the drama. Try and be a bit strategic in terms of not nuking the connection when you are still angry.

What a freak family you have op.

@Usernames82I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I just wanted to share my friend had a pretty insane reaction from her family when she said she was splitting from her now ex DH. He was controlling and she was miserable. Her father sent her this long email which began “You haven’t given any thought to how your decision impacts me” !🤦🏻‍♀️! They came around now that she’s married and has a baby with the love of her life.

It sounds like there are some questions you need to work through yourself and having limited contact with them whilst you do so is important. You don’t have to go NC if that doesn’t feel right, if you get any abuse from them just say you need space whilst you’re going through this and don’t engage

Cut anyone nasty and negative from your life. Life is too short to run your life to batshit rules written by crazy people. Dont expose your baby to these awful people, they dont have your best interest at heart.

Block your family for now. Thank your husband for his support and focus on sorting out the issues between you in a sensible way, whether that's reconciliation or separation.

It's your relationship with your husband that's important, whether you stay together or separate, so focus on that. You're going to be coparenting together for a long time so if you can manage to keep it amicable, that's really going to help you and your DC. Your family's reaction is unimportant, though I can understand why it is making you miserable.

Speaking to the separation, I really think it’s great when a couple realise a relationship is over and separate before it turns really sour.
As for OP’s extended family, I’m really sorry they’re not more supportive. Don’t know what their argument is for being nasty about it. And yes, it’s lonely and sad when you don’t have supportive mother or siblings, especially when you have a young child yourself.

Don't rush to be back in contact with your family. They sound horrible. Focus on keeping things calm at home for your daughter and co-parenting amicably with her dad. Maybe try to see that therapist again (or a new one) for support if you can, sounds like they were right to tell you to move away!

I think you need to realise that your family probably do not bring anything positive to your life. They sound vile and nasty and when you are needing support they are verbally abusing you.

The mental health professional could see this years ago which is why you were advised to move away. You need to go no contact with them, block them on everything, change your phone number if possible then they can never get to you that way again.

Are you their human punch bag? Do they only want to keep in contact so they can put you down and make themselves feel better somehow? Really think about your relationship with them. I believe you will be so much happier if you are not in contact.

I’m with other posters here OP. I think you need to go NC with your family for now. You need to do some clear headed thinking about what comes next and if they’re going to try to control the situation or otherwise interfere then you’re not going to be able to do that. From what you’ve said you yourself won’t get any support from them so why keep the communication channels open if it facilitates their abuse ?

I dropped the rope with a sister after years of this kind of shit and trying to win her affection. I only wish I’d done it sooner. The peace is wonderful and I’ve never regretted for a moment.I only wish my parents were still alive so I could do it with them.

A family that doesn’t support you when you’re going through one of the most difficult situations you can have in life are pointless. Family is there to be behind you not to berate you and abuse you. Distance yourself at least and find your peace.

I think very, very long armed contact can work just as well. That and really shifting your n mindset about them, they are never going to be a supportive family, they make your problems attacks about you, they make things in your life about them, limited to no personal information and very light touch impersonal contact.

There are many families where family members have to do similar. You are not alone even though the movies paint a different picture. Families can be really weird.

Well i guess sending harsh texts hasnt helped

I reported someone yesterday and they said it was fine!