Family have went ballistic over separation

[Usernames82]

No major story. Husband and I separating to try figure out what’s next for our marriage. Been very happy but a difficult baby journey and significant mental health issues both sides have just changed us. I’m not sure it’s recoverable but we’re on very good terms and living together for our child until we have a longer term plan.

I have a very odd relationship with my family needing control and excessive opinion on my life. I moved away quite young because of this at the advice of a mental health professional. They also adore my husband to an unhealthy level, and I’ve always felt they’ve never felt I was worthy of his love and the marriage.

Anyway I took our child to see family for half term, and I let them know this week about the split. I knew their reaction would be bad nothing could have prepared me for how bad it was. I’ve been subject to abuse after abuse from one sister, complete silent treatment from another, anger and accusations from both parents. I bit my tongue for the few days, but this morning leaving I burst into tears and sent some pretty harsh texts. I just am so exhausted from their ill treatment and reached the end of my tether.

Sister has since deleted me from social media, no one talking to me, niece doesn’t want to see me as she doesn’t want to get involved. And I just feel so alone and angry.

There was no one else, I’ve no cheated or abandoned my family. Even my husband who takes full accountability for his part in the marriage breakdown is angry with my family as I’ve done nothing to deserve it.

How do I move on from here?

What @fuckyouoyouuo ?

There’s a stupid troll with a VPN all over the site, and ‘MN Moderation’ aren’t responding to reports despite it only being 20.50 GMT so the site’s currently unusable.

😩😩😩

Sorry, @Usernames82 - if MNHQ don’t sort this mess out this evening maybe try again tomorrow?

^ reported weird post

Anyway OP you absolutely are not in any way unreasonable. You clearly need to go NC with your family sadly. They are extremely cruel and nasty.

Excuse me? @fuckyouoyouuo

To say the site's unusable is a gross exaggeration.

I just report and ignore if it turns up on a thread I'm on.

I’ve counted seven in seven minutes. No response from MNHQ.

Well they will have to get over it.

Have you tried marriage counselling with your husband?

They sound truly awful, really shit and unsupportive. The way your sister has behaved sounds pretty “learned behaviour” in your family.

You definitely need massive distance and boundaries with them. They sound like they
could do enormous damage to you psychologically if you stay to close.

Sorry about your current situation. Is there anyway you could work through together, him supporting you with your family means he sounds like he has some decent parts. Obviously ignore this if it is completely outrageous advice but having a baby is like exploding a bomb in a relationship.

Heya we’re looking at marriage counselling but honestly there’s a LOT to it, some baby related and some just related to my husband’s mental health and me just being really miserable in the marriage. I’m not sure if I see a future beyond us being best friends and coparents and I instigated the separation to avoid things getting bad or out of hand. But who knows what the coming months will bring. However for me currently it’s just not something I can’t see a way out of. I’ve changed loads and what I want out of life has changed. Whereas he hasn’t. He’s still a gorgeous kind human though and I’ve nothing but love for the guy. Just think the being in love has died a death. But I’m going to my own counsellor to understand more on it.

Then don’t waste any of your bandwidth on your family’s response. They sound quite mad, but it’s not something you should be having to waste any thought on.

Your family's reaction should just cement how right you were to move away all those years ago. They've not changed, I daresay they will never change. In the kindest possible way, try not to let them get to you.

Just concentrate on you. You're going to be going through a hard time with your marriage and seeing if you guys can work it out or not. Either way, you both deserve to give it your best shot because there is a bond there - and can't do that with your family taking up headspace and making you feel bad. That saying 'don't let the bastards grind you down' springs to mind! Best of luck OP, hope you will be happy in whatever shape that takes in the future.

If your family are so mean then go no contact or distance yourself, life is so much easier then.
Is your baby still very young? Its definitely a hard time for a marriage

No they’re four. Truthfully a lot of these issues came up a long time before hand. And I think I’m just realising they’re not going away.

When I left my kids dad 4 years ago, I was like 25 had a 3 and 4 year old. My mum verbally abused me nonstop, sending vile voice messages and messages and being horrible to me. He cheated, I couldn't get past it and left. She told me to beg for him back (grovel) and told me I am not well mentally and need help. I cut her out 2 years ago, best decision I made. Good luck but NC is probably best option.

Well I would definitely make the decision that it is the last time to visit them.

I know it is hard. When you grow up with people like this, even though you know it is toxic and wrong there is still that part of you that craves their approval. So you keep in touch, you keep sharing things because you hope that this time it will be different.

A big thing for me was realising that it will never be different. This is how it will always be but, crucially, that it isnt my fault. Just as it isnt your fault. They are fucked up and cannot see any other way but theirs. It doesnt matter who you are, what you do....they will not see it in any other way but negative.

The marriage counselling will help.

Its normal for being in love to die a death once children arrive. Its also normal to change.

From what you're saying, its possible the relationship is salvageable. But your relationship with your family sounds toxic. I think I'd be cutting them out of your life and minimising any contact.

Fuck all your family off. They're horrible.

Exactly, you were right to move away!

I’m so sorry your family are not supportive. I can’t imagine why they’d want you to stay with someone if you’re unhappy and I’m sorry to say but they sound as if they cause you more problems than they’re worth. Focus on your little family. Maybe it’s salvageable, maybe it’s not but at least you can proceed on good terms.

Cheers everyone. i appreciate the validation. I had felt TERRIBLE about the messages I sent earlier but I was honestly just so hurt. Not sure I’m ready for NC but definitely limited contact is a start.

Appreciate the kindness.

Block your family for now. Focus on everything else.