AIBU - ex partner?

[amibeingcray998]

Long story short, after 5 years and a beautiful child, me and my partner split up. He moved out immediately, however after about a week we have been seeing how things go. So we aren’t together, but we have said we are “exclusive” per se (not entertaining anybody else).

Without delving too much into reasons, there are some trust issues through lying. He’s never cheated and I don’t believe he would, but he lies over the smallest of things and he has double standards a lot. For context, I am quite shy and a loner and he is a social butterfly.

What I am here to ask, is this; we haven’t spent any time together without the child all week (beforehand we spent a couple of evenings together). So yesterday was “his day” to have our child. We took her out, and had a nice day and around 1pm he left. Before he did, I told him I’d like to spend some time together and he said what about tonight. To which I said, you have 5 nights a week free, I need a break today (sleep regression - killing me!). I then said I am feeling a bit lonely (as I live rural, no friends or family close by) so would appreciate seeing him soon. Today, when he dropped our daughter off, I asked what his plans were today. He said to go play a bit of PlayStation. I said I would like to see him tonight and he said “I need a break and to do this game”. I then said “oh, are you not going out?” To which he replied no, I promise. Then he said, well I am seeing a friend in a minute to watch the football but will only be having a few drinks. This was at 12. He then text me at 3 saying that he was only having a couple more and then would be going home. He’s still out now and isn’t even bothering to read my message, let alone respond. He pays via Apple Pay so I know he would have seen I’d text.

I am upset and feel a bit lied to. I’m not a very emotional person so for me to say I’m struggling a bit was a bit thing. He dismissed me for PlayStation, but the to go out all day and not even go on the PlayStation has upset me more.

I am considering “ending” this over it, because it’s just another lie to my face. I have a tendency to overreact though, so appreciate I may be! AIBU? Or would this upset you?

Sorry OP but he's just wasting your time.

Am I understanding correctly? Yesterday you turned him down because you needed some childfree time. Now today he turned you down for some childfree time.

Because I’d had her for 5 nights and had minimal sleep and we’d spent the morning together, he had her for 24 hours and said she slept ok. I understand without context that definitely seems hypocritical.

It shouldn't be this complicated you had a child with someone who acts like one ot wont improve, find some standards and then keep them

OP you deserve better. This relationship sounds like it's run it's course.

@PollyBellunderstand it seems that way, but we are both in our 30’s lol! @Nursegladys2, I think the same. I was wondering if I was overreacting though..

I'm not sure it's a lie. Have you never planned to go out for a couple of hours but then ended up being out a lot longer?
Him not wanting to spend the night with you when you're in this position could be a sign he isn't that in to you, but the same could be said about you not wanting to spend the night with him last night. It doesn't sound like either of you really have your heart in it.

Hi op I think the fact he was picking PlayStation over you the relationship isn’t going to work he went out he lied to you and unfortunately liars just can’t help themselves I know. I would be looking at finding someone more mature and honest. How can you learn to trust him he can’t be honest with you.

Why do you have 5 nights and him only 2?
Why would he spend a Saturday night with you?
Why are you spending his day with his DC with them? He has so little time, let him parent.

You need to have a break and decide what you want. And then work out if you want the same thing.

I think maybe perhaps you're clinging to familiarity and lonely. If you broke up for a reason and he moved out and he is still lying and behaving the same way... what's the point?
You're not overreacting, because for you it isn't about the football, it's the same pattern of behaviour being repeated. I think you should walk away.

You have communication problems with him.
but also - you split up with him but still want him to behave like a partner … can’t have it both ways

I think this is an odd situation and neither of you are clear where you stand.
If you’re separated he’s perfectly entitled to spend his evenings how he chooses when he doesn’t have your DD.
I think if he is prioritising play station and football over you he is telling you he’s not that bothered about getting back together.
Split up properly, make a proper arrangement for time with your DD and stop hanging out with him on his days with DD.

I’m not sure I have this correct but it was his contact time and yet you went out with them too. Is that right? If so, why didn’t you leave them to it and have some quiet child free time to catch up on a little sleep?
I think you both need to decide if you’re together, or you aren’t. The waters are too muddied at the moment.

I suspect the “back together” is just convenience and sex OP.

Yes I’ve planned to go out and it’s run over, but that’s where a text could come in. He didn’t. I have her 5 nights and he has her 3 days over 2 nights as that is just what was agreed, 1 during the week and 1 on a Friday night. Plus my little one is only 2 so doesn’t like being away from me for too long. I also didn’t split up with him, he split up with me and claimed it was the heat of the moment decision.

I went with them this week as it was a week off work, usually I have work.

I thank you all for your replies and acknowledge that whilst I may be “expecting a lot”, this does stem from the same issues that have always been present. I don’t believe they will change, or that I’m a priority so I have told him that. Thank you all again.

I think you're unreasonable to consider taking a man who would lie to your face back. He hasn't changed, all the old issues are still there.

That said, you're broken up. Maybe he changed his mind. He doesn't have to run everything by you.

No, we’d recently had a chat about expectations and he said that he would text, no lies etc. He was also spending the morning telling me how much he loves me, so I don’t think he’s changed his mind, I just think he likes having the best of both worlds, and I refuse to accept that when I’m already accepting the bare minimum.

You’re on a break.

How he chooses to spend his time, is his business, and vice versa.

Sorry if I've missed it but how long ago did he move out?

Your child is going to need to get used to being away from you - this relationship is doomed, I'm afraid.

I meant changed his mind about what he was going to do that day. His schedule isn't set in stone.

You get the treatment you tolerate. Do you want more than bare minimum? Then this is not the guy for that. You make the mistake of listening to a liar when his actions tell you a lot more.

If you need child free time then let him take her on his days and you go and rest.

You can't both pick and choose which parts of the relationship you want to keep if they contradict each other. You aren't together, by continuing to act as his partner when he is the one who left, he is getting to keep his cake and eat it too.

Decide if YOU want the relationship or not. If yes (why?!) then tell him clearly what your need/boundaries are to make that happen. If he is unable to meet those minimal standards or he doesn't want the same thing then it's over as simple as that.

Looks at his actions, not his words.

Secondly, it's not healthy to depend on your partner so much for social interaction even if you stay together. You don't want to be codependent with your ex. Cultivate some other relationships.

@amibeingcray998

There’s a saying, act in haste, repent at leisure.

Is ex prone to impulse, emotional regulation, struggles?

He suddenly ended things and left. With a small child in the mix. Not I need a few days away to reflect, like actually moved out? He did because he could. How much does he bring to the parenting table?

There’s another saying, used on here an lot, about the trash taking itself out. Sadly, this may be the case here too.

Be cautious, and honest, as to your own motivations for giving him any grace after that behaviour. Being isolated and lonely is not a good one!

There’s a good chance he’ll bail again in the future when it gets tough. Also a good chance you’ll be anticipating it too.

I think he’s shown you who he is, what he’s made of. Listen.

You know you want and deserve better.

You've only been together 5 years, this should still be the honeymoon period. If he loved you and wanted to get back together he would want to spend time with you over the Xbox. I would actually find it less demoralising that he chose going out with a friend over you than the Xbox.

You don't actually indicate that you actually like him at all. Decide what you want. But you will never get more than what you're getting if you stick with him by the sounds of it.

Good luck 💐