Too soft or too strict?

[narcASD]

Help me! I've been on here since my dd was 3 weeks old, she's now 14, she's autistic, very articulate but also has crippling anxiety, low self esteem and body dysmorphia. Since she was around 7 or 8 she struggled with friends (lack of), now at 14 she has no one, only a few girls at school but they live over 25 miles away for to her attending a specialist school (which she hates and struggles to attend).
Like a lot of ASD girls, I know this is quite normal, however dd has no interest in anything other than Roblox, Tik Tok and other social media, she also has suicidal ideation and has self harmed before.

I pay privately for a psychologist as the waiting list for CAHMS is ridiculous, my problem is she lies about what she accesses online.
Ive contacted the police a few months ago due to someone encouraging her to self harm, also she has recently been chatting to a "boy" but who knows his age! I only found out as took her laptop away as she'd refused to go to her drama & dance club, (that I had just paid for a full term as she said she wanted to go), now I think it's because this boy and her online friends are feeding her anxiety. I've contacted safeguarding, have parental controls on her phone but feel she keeps going onto websites that I don't want her too. My daughter thinks I'm narcissistic and controlling, I feel I'm being the adult and ensuring her safety.

I feel like cutting out her phone and laptop (apart from school use) maybe the answer as she's getting regular panic attacks, all seems to stem from online.
She is also very secretive, won't show me her phone, I get she needs privacy but at the same time she is incredibly vulnerable.
is taking all forms of social media away the answer?

I think you’re doing the right thing. Of course she will push back and say you’re being unfair, but you are protecting her and being a good parent. Getting her out, doing her dance and drama, is exactly what she needs. If there are any other clubs she can join that would be so much better for her than being on a screen. Would she be interested in Park Run (even volunteering together if she’s not up for running).
Perhaps have a conversation with her about the things she enjoys and would like to do. Giving her some autonomy and involving her in the decision making could help her feel more in control and empowered to choose activities she can enjoy away from screens.

I wouldn't necessarily take away all her social media as that will make her feel isolated, but I would certainly continue to monitor and limit her phone use and I think that is being a responsible parent and not too strict. No phone in her room overnight and you can check her phone any time - that is non negotiable. While you're paying for it, she doesn't get to refuse to show you her phone. I agree with pp to encourage her to do "real life" activities as much as possible.

How would you manage taking away all forms of social media? It sounds like she is quite heavily reliant on it.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

She shouldn't be chatting to strangers and theyre clearly feeding her anxiety.

I won't allow my 15 year old to have TikTok.

I would tell her the phone and laptop remain in the kitchen and can be used under supervision.

She needs to focus on real people.

I mentor a girl (I'm a teacher) and she was very similar. She would make inappropriate "friends" online who would tell her the most awful things like she should kill herself. She is now Y12 and nearly 17 and by getting involved with real local people things have improved. She helps with brownies, attendance a music group, and has slowly built up a small circle of friends.