It’s all very well people having boundaries but eventually someone has to do the work that needs doing??

[CuteCactus]

I’m experiencing this in both my private and professional life, and quite honestly I’m exhausted!

We’re all encouraged to put boundaries in place as to what we are or are not willing to do or put up with, but eventually, when jobs have to be done in a certain time frame, someone has to do it. And in my life, that’s me! Well done to my partner and staff for sticking firm to their boundaries I guess!

YABU - everyone is allowed boundaries and these should be respected.

YANBU - (some) boundaries are just people not caring how their actions affect someone else

Yes I agree that it's overused and misused. There was a thread on here a couple of years ago where the poster's husband told her that "having regular sex" was one of his "boundaries" and he would no longer accept less than x times a week. Just WTF?

It's situations where various team members can't for whatever reasons deal with difficult phone calls so they all fall to the person who doesn't have a given reason not to do them, but still doesn't like them. Should that person take on the burden indefinitely? And if not then what’s the solution?

I've been thinking about this a lot. Things fall onto other people when 90% of people have their boundaries. I'm sick of it too.

But "refusing to compromise" is not the correct meaning of boundaries.

Cambridge dictionary says (via google)

"A boundary is a real or imagined line, limit, or rule that marks where one thing, place, or person ends and another begins"

So the problem I foresee for OP @CuteCactus (she has not been back though) is she is experiencing someone who is going over the lines/limits/rules and not doing stuff that needs to be done, but she doesn't say if she is enforcing her own lines/limits/rules.

I think we need more information from the OP.

Sounds like you're not enforcing your own boundaries well enough OP.

I have boundaries in work. I work my specified hours, and I won't go over them except in a genuine emergency. I decide what constitutes an emergency, not anyone else. If my employers don't like that boundary, then they're free to employ someone else. I've had a couple of employers argue with me, and I chose to quit once when they didn't seem to be getting the message, but other than that one they've all accepted my boundary.

I also have boundaries at home. I have never wanted a cat. DP and DD was. My boundary was that cat food and cat shit were never to be my problem. DP, DD and the cat have always chosen to respect that boundary. (She considers shitting inside to be the height of bad manners, and thinks I'm too thick to open the food cupboard). I have relented on the food one a couple of times, when DP and DD were away, but that was my choice. DP was happy to put her in a cattery.

My boundaries are perfectly reasonable. If they affect other people then thats because other people aren't holding up their end of the deal. Thats their problem, not mine.

The solution is that the person should limit how many "calls" they think they can manage and then communicate that. So not all of them and not just letting other people just not do any at all. The "burden" of the difficult calls has to be allocated in a way that respects everyone's capabilities and boundaries.

But both parties need to know what their boundaries are otherwise yes, the difficult calls will all just be allocated to the less assertive/more compliant/people pleasing types.

Really depends on what you’re talking about.

If, for example, your partner is saying ‘my boundary is that I won’t clean toilets’, that’s not a boundary, they’re a pillock and you need rid of them.

Although a decent manager would make sure "difficult calls" are evenly spread around the team rather than just allocating them to the person that doesn't make a point of objecting loudly.
So many work placed problems arise because managers just go with the easiest option rather than the fairest option.

Agreed, should have stayed in the planning dept and the cricket field where it belonged

Cleaning a toilet is not a boundary; it's a household job.

My husband hates taking out the bins because he thinks it's a horrible job. I refuse to take this on because I do other horrible jobs.

My boundary is that I won't be the person who takes on all the horrible jobs; not that I won't take out the bins. I'm happy to take on the bins if my husband swaps for one of the horrible jobs on my list.

I've never really had a real life problem with someone having boundaries, its one of those online things that the young of today are supposed to have too much of

Ultimately you can put your own "boundaries" in place. If your husbands "boundary" is he won't do any housework your "boundary" can be not staying married to a lazy twat.

You’re agreeing with me, but somehow sound like you think we’re disagreeing. It’s most confusing.

I read this topic with interest, we have a Freedom to Speak Up Guardian at work, someone who you can talk to, if you feel that your line management or HR are not being fair when you speak to them. They had noticed an increased number of junior staff complaining... when they looked at it more closely, they had to explain to the members of staff that they were not being bullied or harassed but were actually being effectively managed.

For me, managing expectations also comes into the equation, tasks have to be set out clearly, with deadlines and milestones plus making sure that if people are not coping, asking for help is not seen as a sign of weakness but as a training point for both parties.

One of my boundaries is not engaging with a thread when the OP posts and sits back and watches.

( I’m aware I’ve crossed that boundary but how else would you know I had it! )

Reasonable boundaries are reasonable. Unreasonable boundaries are unreasonable. Calling something a 'boundary' does not make it more or less reasonable. At work, reasonableness is based on whether someone is being asked to do more work than they are paid for or something not in their contract or something that breaches legislation (health & safety, equality etc). Employees don't get to unilaterally declare a personal 'boundary'. At home, reasonableness should be negotiated on the basis of fairness and equality.

That's just you though.

Okay this is a bit extreme. However having worked in the public sector I often got paid for 7.5 hours but worked for 8.5/9 hours.
Hopefully vulnerable service users were glad I did so but who knows.

Both your YABU and your YANBU statements are true, and they don't contradict each other. If you're frequently finding that other people's boundaries inconvenience you IRL, perhaps challenge them at the time they are first vocalised, and/or voice your own boundaries and negotiate?

So did I. If boundaries just means not doing tasks they think are tedious then you’re not being at all unreasonable. Some people think they are more important than everyone else. Like the guy who I used to work with that refused to do the coffee run but always had a coffee that someone else made,

I think you’ve (or the person setting the boundaries has) misunderstood boundaries.

My boundaries are things like “I won’t spend time with people who negatively impact my mood”. It’s not a job that needs to be done.

Unless you’re talking about a work scenario, but it’s perfectly reasonable to have firm boundaries around your job hours and description and if work doesn’t get done within these, it’s the employers’ problem, not any colleagues problem. If you’re paid until 5, it’s not selfish to leave then because I bet your bottom dollar they won’t be falling over themselves to pay you for time you’re not at work.

Can you explain what you mean?

I think some people these days have become so obsessed with enforcing "boundaries" that they lose all sense of flexibility. Yes it's good to have a boundary like "I don't do meetings after my finish time of 5pm" as a general way of working, but at work people also need to recognise that workload isn't always consistent and sometimes you need to do more than at other times.

No problem with people having boundaries, but they also have responsibilities. If their boundaries stop them from meeting their responsibilities, there's a problem.

A lot of the time, though, people have boundaries because others are trying to make something their responsibility when it's not.

I need more info to properly comment. From what you’ve written then it feels like you are annoyed because you folded but other people declined to give in and held their boundary / boundaries

I personally have to have boundaries for my own sanity and health. Health professionals tell me l need to pace myself due to my physical health and not over do it. Plus l work in a line of work where a lot of senior staff would only let you have 1 day a week off and never pay you for the hours worked if it was up to them. Plus misogyny and sexism is rife so certain family member think lm the Easter Bunny / Christmas Fairy / Nigella Lawson all rolled up into one. I’m not. It’s my Christmas and Easter as well so l won’t always host, plus l have small children who l wish to spend quality time with and not be exhausted all the time. I also work so won’t be taking Auntie June to all her hospital appointments as my cousins and brothers are “too busy at work”. I’m allowed to have my own life and not burn myself out for others

If it's work you must have job description and know what your role is?

If it's your social life you can set your own boundaries.
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