It’s all very well people having boundaries but eventually someone has to do the work that needs doing??

[CuteCactus]

I’m experiencing this in both my private and professional life, and quite honestly I’m exhausted!

We’re all encouraged to put boundaries in place as to what we are or are not willing to do or put up with, but eventually, when jobs have to be done in a certain time frame, someone has to do it. And in my life, that’s me! Well done to my partner and staff for sticking firm to their boundaries I guess!

YABU - everyone is allowed boundaries and these should be respected.

YANBU - (some) boundaries are just people not caring how their actions affect someone else

Examples?

If it’s not your role and you are filling in gaps for other people then what would happen if you didn’t?

It really depends? My old job expected me to do a job way above my paygrade indeterminately without the title , the pay or the support. Of course I said no.

I see what Op means. Boundaries to avoid something difficult and uncomfortable is ridic. Like ‘my boundary is I must have private time every day for my mental health.’ Ok but what if there’s only one hour? Who’s doing the childcare then? You can hardly leave the kids alone.
work is a bit harder though. You can’t expect unpaid overtime etc

oh, it its 110% useful when deployed in the right situation

essentially, identifying what's yours and what belongs to them

and making sure what belongs to them stays on the other side of the electric fence..

which you don't advertise until after they've aggressively grabbed hold of it and tried to shake it 😆

Why is it you? And why does it have t be you. Boundaries and negotiation can go hand in hand … more info needed op

Boundaries with partner might be “we share the housework”. You can only control your behaviour not his, so if he refuses to share the housework, there are consequences, such as “I no longer want to be part of this relationship” or it might be “I do the housework as my commute is a lot shorter but you get up with the kids over the weekend”.

boundaries are about your line in the sand. Your boundary might be “I do no housework ever because that’s what I feel like” and then it’s up to your partner as to whether he agrees.

A person might find themself single if their boundaries are not compatible with the other persons but that’s the choice you make.

What do you mean when at work? Like working to rule? I don't see a big problem with that. If there is not enough time in the working day for all the work to get done that's a problem with management or staffing

Yup.

Case in point - ‘co parent’ demands 50/50 so they don’t rage to pay child support but the only 50/50 that goes on is having her overnight. The rest is pretty me - school events, School meetings, dental, optometrist, GP appointments, school correspondence, doing battle with the LA and school to meet child’s SEBD. It’s all on me. If I ask for him to take her to an appointment he just doesn’t take her.

Boundaries my arse. I went through court for this shit - to continue to be abused.

Depends on the boundaries. If it’s work, then we have it written into our contracts that we e work whatever hours the business needs. If e are all paid a decent amount for what we do. Occasionally late nights or extra work is expected (feast or feminine and opportunity to leave early when it’s quiet). I find that a lot of people in their early twenties have a hard no to this even though they’re obliged to do it. And still take advantage of early finishes when they haven’t earned it. Just makes them look daft, and lazy, and not team players.

I know what you mean OP. But people will try to be deliberately obtuse on here. They are probably the ones with the ‘boundaries’ which stop them from doing their jobs….

ThatCyanCat
It's one of those modern terms that gets overused and misused an awful lot. Not sure how helpful it is overall.
This- am all for boundaries but not as a way to get out of work or chipping in in family life!

O agree with this. I don't work for free.

The point of boundaries is that they should be about what you will or won't accept, but the problem comes when some people decide that their boundaries affect other people's actions or decisions, which happens occasionally, such as their boundaries being about partner's actions that have nothing to do with them (like 'I don't want my partner having swimwear shots on social media- that's a boundary for me', 'I don't want my partner having nights out with their friends without me, that's a boundary for me')

Yes. There was a woman the other day whose soon to be ex husband's girlfriend was writing about the relationship on her website despite her putting a "boundary" against it. I felt sorry for her being in such a painful and horrible situation but that's not what a boundary is - you can't dictate what other people publish even if it is thoughtless and horrid. At most she can say she won't discuss it with the soon to be ex but she can't forbid this independent adult from posting about her life as a "boundary".

The overuse of the term is confusing people about what it means.

this reads like the OP is a boss who’s come up against people who have decided that her business might be terribly important to her, but they don’t really care if it’s successful or not as they don’t see their jobs as important. So they won’t stay late to get something done, want notice of overtime, turn down weekend shifts, won’t take on additional responsibilities or tasks that aren’t in their main role to make themselves stressed but keep the business going. So the OP ends up having to do it herself.

im not sure what the solution is, dedicated and committed staff are hard to get, even more so if it’s a low wage.

This was what I was wondering.

It did read like possibly a boss thinking "tssk tssk BOUNDARIES?" when their low paid employees won't work well over their hours for zero additional pay and without notice.

But maybe I am being quite unfair. Has op come back to clarify?

I do get your point OP (I think)

My boss said to me that I need to put better boundaries in place and start saying 'no' more. My response to this is that for me to say 'no' more, others need to say 'yes' more. We work in an area where actions are time critical, children's health and wellbeing is at stake, and I struggle to say to a parent 'sorry, we haven't got time to do X thing which is really important for your child'. So I end up saying yes, and then having to catch up on my work admin tasks on my day off. I know I should just say no, others do. But I feel so awful that it's actually better for my mental health to do the extra rather than worry about it. However, I know it's not right, but with the cuts from our current awful government, it's either I do it unpaid or it doesn't get done

My boundaries do not involve getting out of work, they are about protecting my health. That means that I block off certain times each day when I don’t pick up the phone. This is because certain people see no issue with phoning me up 2 or 3 times a day “to see how you are” but really they are using me as a support and counselling service even though I am not well myself. I have asked them to call less frequently but it hasn’t worked so I now put me phone on ‘do not disturb’ mode for a few hours each day. I don’t see the issue with this. In fact, quite the opposite.

Boundaries aren’t about who puts the bins out though, are they? That’s just a job.

But anyone can say they aren’t doing the job, if they want.

For example, I don’t respond to business emails on the weekends. I had an email last night (they are on US time) from a publisher about a job for a client. I won’t be responding til Monday. That’s fine. No one will die if I don’t respond to a client email until the next business day.

If your partner won’t take the bins out, you don’t have to either. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Stop dancing around everyone. The rubbish will pile up. Let it. You don’t have to burn yourself down to keep everyone else warm.

There is difference though between setting boundaries and being manipulative. A boundary is about protecting your wellbeing, it’s not done to manipulate or punish.

YABU because you haven't explained what you mean

In theory, YABU, but am also experiencing this personally with regard to care of elderly relative. Other family members are drawing clear boundaries as to what they will do (note careful choice of wording, in both cases it’s far far less than they could easily do), which leaves me to pick up the remainder or allow the elderly relative to suffer.
Paid care is in place, it’s more the social and family visits that are needed.

An example I would give is that my MIL thought that her 3 children would give up their jobs to look after her in her later years. She was seriously ill for 15 years and needed 24 hour care for the last 6-7 years.

She was well cared for at home up until nearly 2 years before she died when it was not possible to achieve in the community and then she went into a home.

In previous generations she would have died many years sooner but due to the modern invention of sustaining life without quality for much longer than previous generations she went on a lot longer.

I think people need more and more boundaries not fewer. Previous generations were not at the constant demand of other people in the way this generation are.

I can't make heads or tails of your post.

You're using a buzz word (boundary) in way that probably those who have made it part of the popular jargon (along with safe spaces and triggering, etc) haven't intended. Men transgressing women's boundaries for me would include inappropriate sexual advances physically or verbally. Someone I'm in a relationship might transgress an emotional boundary I have clearly established (such as not disturbing me when I'm doing a particular activity) if they did such a thing for no really good reason other than to push my buttons.

It seems like you've extended the meaning of "personal boundaries" to encompass people shirking off from work or tasks because they can't be arsed to do them. I don't know these people, and I have no idea what their capacity is or how over- or under-worked they are in the particular circumstances you're talking about, but I'd be hard-pressed to give someone leeway if they were expected to do something (either because it's in their work contract or it's expected because of their relationship within the household) and refused to do so because it "infringed a personal boundary".

I think you are saying that people who are people pleasers (i.e. don't have firm boundaries) tend to end up picking up all the shit tasks that no one else will do?

As a former (ok, working on that) people pleaser I agree that it's horrible to be in this position. But actually if the people pleaser holds boundaries too, then either the task doesn't get done (which might be fine) or some sort of compromise has to be made (we all hate the task, but it needs doing, so we'll take it in turns to do it).

In a work environment people holding boundaries forces managers to actually manage as opposed to relying on good will to get things done.
If people are holding a "boundary" that they refuse to do something that's in their job description then, again, that's for managers to manage, not for some other colleague to have to pick it up.