Some perspective on mil

[etak8891]

Im 38, been with partner almost 20 years and had our first baby 4 months ago. Never been particularly close to his family. Past year or 2 we visit them once per month. Typically we listen to fil complain about health or mil talk about herself. I find in order to hold a conversation it is either me listening to mundane topics of what she did all day from what she had on her toast to her next food allergy to what she spent on the dog at the vets or me having to ask questions to keep the convo going.They never ask me questions, doubt they know what my job is etc. up until 2 years ago i have lived with my mum. I lived at home for many years saving/studying then bought a house 5years ago and she lived with me and my partner while renovating the annex for her to live in. She wasn’t the easiest woman and i am grateful my partner agreed for her to live with us. She lived with us 3 years then developed dementia very rapidly and is now in a care home unfortunately. had my issues with my mum, psychologist said theres a good chance she has narcissistic traits so hasnt always been easy especially in childhood. Only ever been the 2 of us. Anyways that is some background. From what my husband had told me about mil she also has narcissist traits and anger issues when he was a child but has since found god and gets upset when people swear…
some things i have noticed recently and would like perspective on as i could just be being sensitive after having a baby.

no help after the baby was born. They visit to hold the baby. Came to my house and made themselves teas and coffees but not me. Took my seat on sofa where i would breastfeed baby. I ended up perching on arm of sofa despite not long giving birth. Yes i should stand up for myself. Neighbours and friends cooked us food and left on doorstep which was great but nothing from in laws. Supposedly she is a great cook. Others have gave money as gifts so we have the joy of choosing etc

mil bought baby entire wardrobe for first 3 months which was generous but also robbed me of buying firsts etc. maybe i am ungrateful.

when we meet them for coffee she insits on wrapping baby in a perfumed scarf or fleece despite him having own blanket. And not being cold either. I feel it is like an ownership thing of her?? Like a cat marking. She also constantly goes on about him being cold when hes not and that there is something wrong with me for being warm. I wear him in a carrier. She has went as far as to msg me to explain how layers work…found this rude and patronising and could have brushed it off easier in the past. She has kissed him despite us telling her not to. she and sil always comment on my weight as i have lost quite a bit. I explain that it is due to anxiety/breastfeeding. They continue to comment on every meet up.

she never asks about my mum. One day i made a point to mention my mum 5-6times and she even changed the subject each time. There seems to be no empathy for a new mum navigating motherhood without her own. She lost her own mum a couple of years ago. My husband excuses her by saying she just doesn't want to bring up painful topics even tho i bring it up.she hasnt asked about her in about a year and a half. No one has.

she decides on outings. We go to same coffee shop same walk etc. i have complained to husband and he now challenges her but we often still go to the same miserable coffee shop. Sounds small but is very annoying. Whole family just does what she wants. Always have.

probably the most hurtful was when she was was telling me a story about another family and how a dil was asking for the same gifts and help etc as another ladies daughter who was ill and kept saying can u imagine that!? She is just an outsider like u! No one pulled her up on it and husband eventually agreed she was wrong but as usual like with everything else she meant nothing by it. He claims she isnt that bright ans has been a housewife for 40 years so cut her some slack. I find that insulting to housewives.

she didn’t like her daughters husband or his faimily. She hasn’t liked her daughter’s boyfriends since her divorce. She has never had a mil of her own. She has 2 adult kids in the house and disables them. One has mental health issues which i dnt know much about to comment on but the other is fine. She lets him work minimum hours and told him to give up job seekers as they chased him too much to get more hours. He wanted to learn to drive and she discouraged that until i mentioned it could be very helpful since she doesnt drive and husband has ill health. I have my own anxiety issues and psychologists over the years have commented she sounds like she is terrified of being alone and stopping their development so they stay home and dependent. They are both nearly 40. Husband has tried to discuss with her but she sees no problem

she is desperate for baby to go to her house. I am dreading the xmas conversation. I have never been invited at xmas despite my husband saying i always was. Couple of years ago i thought it would be nice if we went to them on boxing day and bring my mum (she would be on her own if we didnt) was suggested to mil and she said its fine if my mum comes but she won’t be doing any cooking if she does??? She has met my mum twice in 20 years. Safe to say i told my husband she could stick it and we didnt go.

husband constantly says how much his mum loves the baby and how she would help at the drop of a hat. But so far she hasn’t. I find it all about her and how she feels. He excuses her for buying so much. Yet commented on me buying some things for baby. He excused his mum as she is the granny and only doing it cause she loves him but kind of dismissed me when i said he is my first baby. ??? Husband keeps saying to take her with a pinch of salt as he would like us to be close.

fyi husband has been great since baby arrived with helping etc. im not bashing him.

any perspective would be helpful. I am aware others have it much worse. I didn’t really care as much in the past as it was a monthly visit but now i see her more often. Husband thinks i am being very critical

Your MIL sounds awful, and calling you an ‘outsider’ would make me treat her like one.

Tell DP he can do the monthly visit to MIL by himself, you don’t go anymore.

What do you want to do for Christmas? Tell DP now that you’re not going anywhere and want to stay home with your baby.

I think mil can be a hard role to navigate, you say she didn’t help when you had baby, but you aren’t close, so
maybe she didn’t want to tread on your toes.

Your mum and mil don’t have to be friends/meet. You seem to be holding your mil responsible for a relationship with your mum but not your mum.

I also think you need to say how you feel, you will feel less resentful, and will feel more in control

Your husband wants a relationship with her, so encourage him to take that role, but don’t be surprised if you feel sidelined.

Also Christmas is a few days, you can do your own thing on Christmas Day and see them on others days, ot the other way round

i agree - have your own 1st Christmas at home which you will actually enjoy

Yes my mum was difficult and made little effort too. She did however allow husband when he was bf to stay over every weekend so we could see each other over the years. He was included in everything. He would go home from uni at xmas and spend a week at home sleeping in living room and she would get annoyed if he left the house to see me as it was her time. So i would often not see him during xmas holidays and was never invited. Have always encouraged them to have a relationship, husband says i am the reason they meet as i would remind him to visit. He has went up to 6months at a time not visiting when he lived alone.
that is the issue i am being more vocal saying how i feel to husband and he thinks im just being critical.

What do you actually want? You say she doesn’t offer help, but would you really want that?

Work out what you want and then work out how to get closest. She buys so much stuff for the baby? Sell it, either on vinted or my local NCT does nearly new sales a few times a year where you label stuff up and they sell it for you. Then use the money to buy what you want

She doesn't help, but she gives advice and bought you things?
She didn't want your mum cooking if she visited her home, so what? I wouldn't want someone cooking in my house either.
Conversation is dull. That's life, we don't click with everyone.
I think you're making a big issue out of not much at all. You're picking out every little thing you dislike about her. You don't have to like your ILs but you should respect their relationship with your husband and children. You need to just relax a bit, stop over analysing everything and stop with the expectations of what your relationship should be like and how they should be supporting you.

she wouldn’t cook if my mum me and her son were visiting her house for xmas. So she would cook as long as my mum didn’t come

True i am judging based on what i think the relationship should look like. Which i think has to do with my husband constantly saying his mum would do this and that to help etc but she doesn’t and doesn’t have to. I think he is projecting to what he would like which increases my expectations then i judge her for not doing it

Sorry but I’m getting a bit bored of people self diagnosing the generation above them as narcissists. Very clearly they aren’t all going to be narcissists. I didn’t read past ‘the absolute cow had the audacity to buy things for my baby’ bit. I mean, come on. ‘She robbed me of my chance to buy things for my baby.’ Or maybe ‘thank you so much MIL, this is really generous.’

In general people don’t change in a big way once they are adults.

They have ways of doing things and ways that they see the world and unless something really big comes along (divorce, bereavement) they don’t change.

it might be a good idea to sit and think what relationship with her do you want?

yes, ideally we’d all have a mil who knows what suppprt to offer and when and who is really welcoming.

but some people (genuinely not many) are like that and most try to be at least a bit welcoming and supportive but get it wrong sometimes.

now I’m a old enough to be a mil myself I do a lot of biting my tongue because my kids and their partners do so many things that from my perspective just weren’t ok when I had my kids. But I bite my tongue and shut up.

I have no idea how to support them though because they are going through things I never experienced - my dd has faced prejudice due to being gay etc.

so - stop, think. What do you actually want? Do you want her to help with your baby? How and in what way? Bear in mind you’ll need to explain and probably repeatedly explain your way of doing it. I try to do things the way my dc say but I don’t always know why they are doing it and so I get it wrong sometimes.

i’m sorry about your mum. That much have been very difficult for you.

I would take a huge step back from this.

See her less frequently and for shorter periods. Absolutely no to Christmas Day, you will be spending it at home.

The fact that she doesn’t appear to have a good relationship with anyway means that she won’t get any better and you’re not to blame. I’d just agree with your husband on the bear minimum and type of contact and proceed from there.

Or “I’d really rather that DH and I choose the majority of DC’s wardrobe, so while I appreciate the gesture, I’d like you to return the things we won’t put DC in.”

Actually MIL

I'd like to go to a different coffee shop
Let's try the other walking route to
Please use the baby's blanket to wrap him/her
Of you are making a cuppa fkr you and FIL, I'd like one, milk, no sugar.
Etc, etc. Just matter of factly call it out.

I can't see an issue with kissing unless she's covered in cold sores and how brilliant she bought the baby tons of clothes.

As people age, their world's get smaller, although you don't say how old she is. My mum's 90 and her life revolves around her hospital appointments, her pills, blue badge parking and going to the supermarket.

when we meet them for coffee she insits on wrapping baby in a perfumed scarf or fleece despite him having own blanket. And not being cold either. I feel it is like an ownership thing of her?? Like a cat marking.

”Thank you MIL, but he doesn’t need this.” <unwrap scarf and give it back (or tie it around her neck)>

She also constantly goes on about him being cold when hes not and that there is something wrong with me for being warm.

”It’s sweet that you worry about him, but I’m totally able to judge our respective body temperatures and adjust things if needed, thanks.”

I wear him in a carrier. She has went as far as to msg me to explain how layers work…found this rude and patronising and could have brushed it off easier in the past.

”I think you’re trying to be helpful, but I’m fully aware of the concept of layers. If I need advice about something, I will ask, I promise.” <Then never ask.>

She has kissed him despite us telling her not to.

”We’ve asked you nicely not to kiss DS. There are good reasons for this. Feel free to research yourself or I’m happy to explain it to you if you prefer. We are no longer asking but asserting this as a boundary. If you do it again we will have to limit your contact with DS.” <Then follow through.>

she and sil always comment on my weight as i have lost quite a bit. I explain that it is due to anxiety/breastfeeding. They continue to comment on every meet up.

”Do you mean to be so rude? I have tried to hint that these comments are unwelcome, but as you haven’t picked up on that, I will tell you clearly that comments on my weight or appearance are not welcome and I will consider you incredibly rude if you continue.”

she decides on outings. We go to same coffee shop same walk etc. i have complained to husband and he now challenges her but we often still go to the same miserable coffee shop. Sounds small but is very annoying. Whole family just does what she wants. Always have.

Break the mould then! “Oh we have been there a lot and fancy going elsewhere. We’ll be at X cafe at 2pm. Come if you want.”

Yep, as per above post you simply need to assert yourself but politely. As for Christmas, just say, I’ve never done Christmas at yours. I’m really looking forward to baby’s first Christmas at home, it will be really special.

And from now on, let your husband facilitate the relationship 100%.

Firstly, I’m very sorry about your Mum. It must be really hard to go through this phase of life without her support.

when I had my baby I felt just like you, and I didn’t consider what it would be like for people I wasn’t related to be related to him! Our In Laws do have a claim on them, for lack of a better word. When they’re babies you have to go everywhere with them so this will currently feel very intense. As your baby gets older your husband can easily spend time with his parents and your child and you do something else. I’ve found this really helps because I have more choice over the situation!

and as others have said, it’s impossible for MILs or even our mothers to know what help is appropriate to give, or useful. Think about what that is and then communicate it. That sounds more positive than ‘please stop doing X’.

finally, this all gets much easier as your child gets older. They can start to say directly to your MIL ‘stop putting a jumper on me, I’m not cold’ so you don’t have to!

Doesn’t sound like she’s perfect. No one is. It does sound like you are determined to interpret all her actions negatively though.

If she isn’t doing/ saying what you want then you need to communicate thus in a kind way. The expectation that grandparents make tea etc as a ‘reward’ for wanting to see their DGC is misguided though. Sounds like she’s damned if she doesn’t and damned if she does.

I am sorry you have lost your mum. Could the missing her be part of the excess negativity that you feel towards your MIL?

My own MIL drove me mad in the early days of having DC. Everything she did made my skin itch. Some of this was warranted and most of it wasn’t. We were quite different people.

Over many years we became very close and I learned to stand my ground when she said something that was really not ok.

Im really sorry about your own DM both for her current situation and your previous relationship with her and I do wonder if this also influences your feelings towards MIL?

As others say, limit contact, take a bit more control in your own home and learn to ignore some of the irritations and challenge some of the bigger stuff. It would be nice to get yourself DH on board but as it’s his parents and he’s also entrenched in all this he might not find that easy.