AIBU to ask how TF I cope with this

[UsernameNotAvailableApparently]

I’ve been with DH for 14 years now who has just been diagnosed with severe ADHD (should’ve been diagnosed as a kid, but his parents refuse to believe adhd even exists)

I love him to bits, but I am exhausted putting out the constant fires and being the one that has to hold it all together.

I feel like I have to have two brains - one for me and one to keep on top of his stuff. He jokes that I’m autistic because I remember everything, but the truth is I don’t have a choice.

We have a 3 year old daughter and I carry the entire mental load of the house, parenting etc. but he’s also self employed so I have to remind him of everything to do with work too (taxes, payroll, paying office rent, etc).

After I had my daughter I had to practically give up my own self employed work because it was impossible to juggle it all. I do some work for his company ad-hoc, although that means I’m fully financially dependant on him too which I hate.

He gets so stroppy if I ‘nag’ (remind him of things) but then constantly asks me what he’s forgotten.

His temper is horrible when he’s stressed out (not physical or anything but still not nice to be around) and it was this that led to me pushing for a diagnosis so he can try medication for it, although he still hasn’t booked the follow up appointment for that.

I don’t know what I’m looking for really. I know so many people will say just leave but I have no one and nothing (no family, now no source of income), and amongst all the shit I do really love him. What do I do? I’m exhausted

Well. I would be more sympathetic to him, but I have ADHD (late diagnosed) and two adhd kids. Im a single mum. I have no fucking choice but to remember everything for everyone and whilst I occasionally melt down over it, the meds help a lot, as do all the strategies I have put in place to keep us going.

What does he do to try and help himself? Why hasn't he gone for the meds yet? Does he exercise (that helps), eat and sleep well? (So does that). Does he run a calendar and lists and memorandae?

I dont really have any advice. I just wanted to let you know that the adhd is a reason, but its not an excuse and you're within your rights to be feeling exhausted, fed up, wrung out etc.

If you're doing so much for him, then why are you not 50/50 on the salary "he" earns?
I would suggest he employs a virtual PA and then get yourself back into work so you are earning and not trapped by him.

His ADHD is HIS problem to solve - he needs to find coping mechanisms and systems that help him to meet his responsibilities in both work and family life. You can support and encourage with this without being his default organiser.

Part of your battle is to get him to accept his diagnosis and look into things he can do to help himself. Id back off a little bit and dont take on too much. He has got this far in life. He can and should do more. Perhaps the less critical things at first.

I agree he needs to find a solution, there is plenty of specialist support that can be paid for.

He can write lists etc

Thank you and I’m sorry you have to carry all that on your own too.

He doesn’t look after himself at all. Will stay up until 1am doing paperwork in front of the TV/fall asleep on the sofa, eats tons of crap (despite me cooking all good balanced meals), doesn’t exercise or any of that. I have tried many different things to help him look after himself better but none stick.

He does have lots of lists but I generally find them dotted around the house half crossed out.

I’m hoping that medication will really help, but he’s resistant to it ‘changing him’ too much so it’s been a slog to get him to go through the process (3 years of begging and an ultimatum that I’d leave if he didn’t sort out some kind of treatment as it was killing us).

I have backed off a lot of things, but the stuff I still carry could have implications for our family if we don’t.

For example, he had a dozen or so unpaid car related charges that spiralled into a bailiff turning up at our door demanding a few thousand pounds. This is just one of the multiple incidents like this every year that are all just chipping away at me

Does he have any good points against all? Honestly, just leave.

OP I have ADHD aswell mum of 2 and struggle to remember things but I use my calendar on phone and write lists. I am unmedicated tbh he sounds like he can’t be bothered to even try ? If he wanted to he would

He really needs to take responsibility for himself. Sounds like he thinks he doesn’t need to because he knows you’ll pick up the pieces

Same boat here, OP, but mine’s autistic as well.

Relies on me to do literally everything for him including order things off the internet. Has the working memory of an early stage dementia patient (really not exaggerating). He doesn’t know what day of the week it is, let alone the date. Has no idea how much annual leave he gets in a year, or how much he has left. Has never paid a bill or rung a tradesperson or filed his taxes in 20 years together (and always found people to do this for him before I came on the scene). I asked him to ring a plumber once and he just couldn’t work out how to do it - kept asking me what exactly he should say, how to decide when to make the appointment for, what he should do if the plumber was busy, how he should explain the problem we needed solving etc.

He doesn’t see that he has any functional impairments at all. Everyrhing is always other people’s fault for not being clear enough or having unrealistic expectations, or doing things in ways that don’t make sense.

Nobody would know any of this from the outside. He got by on his charm for years. I didn’t know it was possible for someone to struggle so much with daily life in the absence of intellectual disability or obvious social communication deficits. His colleagues clearly find him frustrating, but he has a very easygoing charming persona that wins people over.

I’ve tried so hard over the years to get him to take responsibility for some of his own daily activities and he just looks at me in helpless crestfallen bewilderment, like he’s a toddler being scolded for something he can’t possibly understand. I feel like I’m being expected to keep the secret of his profound functional deficits, or to protect him from the knowledge of them.

We have an autistic child with high IQ but very low adaptive function (can’t dress himself independently at nearly 10), so I’m entirely running 2 other lives alongside mine - and was taking care of my mother as well until she died last year. It’s utterly fucked my career and finances and I’m pretty burnt out.

I’m on autopilot most of the time, and quite worried about what would happen if I died first. Even if I left the clearest most detailed instructions about what to do, DH would be too overwhelmed to engage with any of it.

I wish I had advice. Have a handhold instead. I hope you manage to find a way out of your situation, as I don’t think people can change when there is this level of dysfunction.

How did he manage before you?

I think you need to follow through on your ultimatum. I get you don't want to actually LTB but he needs to think you are serious and understand exactly how him not taking on responsibility for himself is impacting you.

Time for a very serious conversation about how you are feeling and what needs to change. Step back from everything that affects only him, and even things that will also to a lesser degree affect you.

As a PP said ADHD may be the REASON but it is NOT the EXCUSE. Harshly if you died he would have to find a way to manage and he certainly managed his life before you met him so you know he is capable of more or you wouldn't have married him. I strongly suspect he was much more capable when you met him but over the years as you've stepped in to rescue him his narrative has become more and more oh I can't do that/don't need to worry or even think about that because @UsernameNotAvailableApparently will do it. You've unknowingly helped contribute to his uselessness and now you need to effectively pull the rug out from under him and stop being his safety net or things will never change.

IME people like this often didn’t manage - almost every profoundly ADHD person I know has a cover story about being an adventuresome free spirit or risk-taking entrepreneur, to explain years of job hopping or breakdowns, and there are often skeletons in the closets like bankruptcy, CCJs, being sacked from jobs and kicked out of flatshares.

I wouldn't dream of having another child with him.
I would be focusing on getting back to work asap.
You are his parent enabler unfortunately.
Is this really all you want from your life?
Sorry if it is harsh, but no man is worth this.
I would look at divorcing him.

Its not killing him, its killing you.
Wake up to that.
Its killing YOU.

Yeah this unfortunately! We were 20 when we first got together and he was living at home. Over the next few years it came out that he had loads of parking fines his parents had bailed him out of, had left several apprenticeships etc. He’s never really coped!

Then I think you carry on with the ultimatum, he prioritises sorting out and taking the medication or you will be walking away before you end up burnt out. He’s on the path to financially ruin you both.

He agrees to eat your meals, not buy crap and exercise too.

He won't help himself if he always has someone to do that for him. You now say his parents would do this for him (picking up parking fines) and now you cover for him too.

Without being rude, while he may have only just been diagnosed with ADHD, you have been together 14 years. Were you happy to live this way before? As clearly his behaviour hasn't changed, only that it has been labelled. The same with choosing to have a child with him. His behaviours will still have been the same, yet you made a choice to commit to the relationship and have a child together despite knowing you were already doing things for him.

Also are some of the behaviours just his choices rather than ADHD? I am sure there will be plenty of people with ADHD who will be able to come on and say they don't act like this.

What were you hoping a diagnosis would achieve? Medication? Counselling? A label that would help him see his behaviour as a disorder and that can be treated in some way?

To me it sounds like he is set in his ways and he isn't going to change.

Introduce Claude AI into his life. I find it invaluable for keeping track of things. It can put timers and alarms on as well as keep a complex and ever evolving to do list going.

Edited to add: it is free unless you need major processing power regularly.

Having ADHD is a reason why he may struggle more with some things than other people, but it's not an excuse to hand his life to you. You don't HAVE to be his human calendar. You can scaffold to an extent, but would be both be better off teaching him how to better manage whatever he finds difficult (if he's in work, he can apply for funding to put towards therapy/training/help in work, if it's specifically related to his ADHD - look up Access to Work and get him to apply https://www.gov.uk/access-to-work).

By scaffold, I mean you can work with him (or preferably get a qualified expert to work with him) to develop techniques that help him do things for himself - writing lists, learning how to break jobs down into steps, setting reminders and alarms, giving himself more time than he thinks is necessary to complete a task, using voice activated tools rather than handwriting or typing etc. It is up to HIM to take responsibility. It is incredible lazy and selfish that he has not. (And there comes a point where you have to stop blaming your parents for how you are as an adult.)

I think you need to be clear that the medication needs to change him or it’ll be a different conversation.

I’d be sitting down with him now he’s had his diagnosis, acknowledge his differences and struggles and then together come up with a list of non negotiables in your house (eg remembering kids stuff, prioritising health). You will need to accept that some of these things are harder for him than you, and then you look at systems and self help books and online for tips that bridge the gap so he can do it.

He has to commit to those non negotiables and you have to be ready to leave if he doesn’t. So that might mean one of them is his enabling you to have a job.

He runs a business, he’s not incompetent - he’s just so far prioritised creating systems to allow him to do that and hasn’t prioritised home in the same way.

Personally I couldnt live like this. I honestly don't know how you do. Plenty of people manage to live their lives with ADHD without destroying their partner and blaming them for it. To reiterate many previous posters - its an explanation, not an excuse.
You need to step back from running his life and use the time gained to get a job. Let his bills get overdue, let his parking ticktets go unpaid. When the bailiffs turn up make sure they take his car or other item dear to him. It needs to be more painful for him to live his life as is than to get help. This also has the advantage of him stopping 'blaming' you for nagging (which I find abhorent given all you do).
Either he will get help and improve or not and if he doesn't then you have a job already which sets you up well for independent life and you need to follow through with your ultimatum. It is not your responsibility to destroy your happiness so someone else is not forced to take responsibility for theirs.

I’m hoping that medication will really help, but he’s resistant to it ‘changing him’ too much so it’s been a slog to get him to go through the process (3 years of begging and an ultimatum that I’d leave if he didn’t sort out some kind of treatment as it was killing us).

I think you need to reiterate your ultimatum to him as he's only half-completed the process. Sorting out some kind of treatment entails taking medication and altering diet/lifestyle. If he still refuses because he doesn't want to "change", then I'd give him a shock and walk out (even if it's just for a short period) to show him that you mean business. If you just continue "begging" him and he continues ignoring that, you're heading for a crash.

This is really helpful, thank you. You’re absolutely right that (other than money stuff he forgets), he runs a successful business, manages a dozen staff etc so I know he’s fully capable and it’s just that he’s choosing to focus his capabilities there instead of at home.

Also it’s got infinitely worse since having DD, because there’s so much more to do/remember, which is why it feels more difficult now than the 11 years prior to her!

I have a friend who's partner has severe ADHD. She's his full time carer, isn't expected to work by the DWP. It can be very disabling.
My own dh has ADHD (diagnosed as a young adult before we met) and functions better than this but I recognise a lot of what you say - bills unpaid, presents unbought, extreme frustration and moodiness when things don't go his way, or he can't do something.

He's still unmedicated, too, because... he has ADHD! The hoops to jump through to get on the titration list are a bit beyond him.

I will say he's much more capable than he used to be, let's fewer things go. He sleeps a lot. Like 10-11 hours a night. That seems to help him be functional. And he's medicated for the anxiety that goes along with ADHD for him. Propranolol has been a game changer.

The parking tickets and bailiff are part of the "ADHD tax".
Meaning people with ADHD spend a great deal of money on fuck-ups that other people generally avoid. e.g. things like buying clothes that don't fit then failing to take them back to the shop for a refund in time.

If you stay in this marriage, budget a few thousand a year for the ADHD tax. Because no matter how much you try, you cannot manage it all.