What would you do?

[Notsoyoungorinlove]

I’m looking for some advice but don’t know where to post it on here.

I have a big birthday coming up next year, and I’ve saved to book a big lodge with a hot tub, dj and a few other nice little treats for us all. I’ve never done anything like this for myself before and all my friends are busy mums, so didn’t want them to have to pay towards anything.

I’ve got a few friends in one group, some of whom are cousins, a couple of work colleagues who are considered friends, a couple of other friends who kind of know each other, and another friend who doesn’t know anyone. She is one of my closest friends, hasADHD and awaiting an autism assessment. She’s quite a straight faced character, who doesn’t enjoy having a dance or a hot tub, she doesn’t drink which is fine I’m not a big drinker either. Some of my friends can be quite loud and like to drink. Said friend doesn’t really like to mix, hence why she’s never met other friends, other than in passing.

My issue is this, I couldn’t dream of not inviting her as that would feel wrong, and I know she would be rightly offended is I didn’t. I’ve also worked out she could have her own room with her own space, really only booking this certain place as it would be better for her. The thing is, after all the effort and cost, along with it being a special night, I don’t want to babysit her all night. She would make very little effort to speak with anyone and her disapproval will show on her face. That’s just how she is. I can’t ask her to bring her sister either, as it means I’d have to knock off one of my own friends or relatives off the list.

The whole thing is really stressing me out, and I’m worried that she will be fed up all night. My other friends will be really friendly and all join in, but I have visions of her sat all night looking fed up and me feeling like I have to keep her company. Usually I wouldn’t be too bothered, but I’ve put a lot of time, money and planning into this night, not just for me but for all of my favourite ladies. It’s really worrying me that she’ll be offended if I don’t sit with her most of the night.

I’d invite her knowing it would probably be her idea of hell and she’ll find an excuse. At least she’ll know the invite was there. Just make sure you make it clear in the invite that you understand if she can’t make it so there’s no pressure.

Don't invite her, she'll just be a fun sponge

Do something else with her

Argh. That's tough. Can you have a straight convo explaining the focus of the weekend and whether she'd like the sound of it? And be clear you'd like her to join but there's no pressure and you'll be mixing with everyone as it's a very special weekend for you?

How would she find out about it though? If she doesn’t mix with the rest of the group?

Just don’t put it on SM.

Or you could explain you are doing this break with that group, but you know it isn’t her thing, so you propose doing XYZ with her instead?

Invite her but make it clear you won’t get to speak to her much and it’s absolutely fine if it’s not for her. If she chooses to come knowing how things will be and then tries to ruin it by sulking then she’s not much of a friend.

I’d make sure she’s well aware what kind of weekend it is and that you won’t be at all offended if she chooses not to go. However, if she does go, she’s a grown woman and you absolutely do not need to babysit her on your birthday. If that means she sits sulking on her own then so be it, she chose to go knowing she wouldn’t enjoy it.

I would do something separate with just her.

She would still want to come, as she doesn’t go out much.

You’re right- I’ll just have to heavily highlight how much I’m looking forward to having a night off from mum life, having fun and dancing around with my family and friends. Just don’t want her to feel left out.

If you think she’d like the break and you can afford it, maybe do a separate night away with her a different weekend?

I think not inviting her would be a pretty rubbish thing to do
You should talk to her about the event. And probably if it's the type of thing she absolutely hates she won't want to come - and you should make it very clear that you won't be offended if she doesn’t come.
If by any chance she decides to come along then you just plough on regardless and enjoy yourself. If she is miserable so be it because you forewarned her what it would be like.

I think you just say, “I’ve arranged this, I completely understand that it might not be your thing, would you like to come or would you prefer to do (insert suitable activity) together instead, I’m more than happy either way” and leave it with her.

Talk to her tell her she is more then welcome to come but not to feel any pressure to do so as you know she doesn't like this sort off thing and you're happy to do something 1 on 1 with her another time

I think I'd appreciate a friend saying "I am planning this event. It's going to be loud and involve X. You're my closest friend and I love you, and I know it really isn't your kind of thing. Do you want to do alternative Y instead, just us?"

I think I’ll say she’s more than welcome to come and make the most of a night away in her own space, and she’s welcome to join in as and when/if she pleases. Not adding any pressure then to join in with us all if she’s hating it. I couldn’t not invite her, I do just worry about being almost responsible for her all night.

If you are keen to have her there and think she will accept the invite, I would be very clear about your plans and what you are looking forward to.

Just be really honest with her and say you know the evening won't be her thing but shes welcome to join in or to head to her room early and read a book/watch TV, you won't be offended. Tell her you'll enjoy catching up with her during the daytime instead and perhaps think of something she'd enjoy in the daytime and make an effort to ensure she's included in that activity?

You sound like a lovely friend treating everyone and thinking about everyone's needs, but you are also right to ensure that your own wants and needs are made clear to everyone so you can enjoy your celebration!