To be unhappy in life *TW* mental health

[Remainanonfornow]

I keep getting a strong desire to split from my DH. We have two children who are both in their teens both autistic and struggle with school but go under the radar because they are compliant and academically capable. It’s been tough navigating through that and adjusting to make them more comfortable. I’m a naturally outgoing, bubbly and cheery person who needs human engagement. However since the kids have grown and their needs have become more clear, I have become a recluse. I work from home, I’ve put so much weight on and I’m so uninterested if anything.

My DH, we suspect also has autism, I’ve spent years trying to to get him to speak with me on a more romantic and emotional level and since learning more about the spectrum I do believe this is what is stopping him. There have been a lot of issues throughout our relationship that we’ve worked through but mainly because I end up making everything ok as I cannot stand the negative and heavy atmosphere.

A few months ago I had a sort of mental breakdown, I think I’d carried everyone else’s emotions and navigated around them, walking on eggshells and prioritising/understanding everyone else’s needs that I neglected myself completely. I was having serious suicidal thoughts and felt there was no way out. I reached out to the crisis team and told my DH who this time did realise I was poorly (it’s been years in the making I think) and has been amazing with me, patient, calm, understanding, everything I’ve needed him to be for so many years. The problem is now I’m starting to feel more like myself again I’m finding myself wanting to be alone (not from my children from my DH). He was away with work for a week recently and I honestly felt so light, motivated and relaxed again. I was dancing and singing along to music something I haven’t done in a very long time. I’ve eaten healthier etc. Now he’s back I’ve slipped back into my heavier mood feeling. The house feels different, I feel so guilty because he’s done nothing wrong but I feel like I’m back to being ‘switched on’ for someone else’s needs again. He is a very methodical easily stressed out person and that’s become annoying. I also find the more I am myself the further apart from him I feel. I can’t explain it!

Can anyone advise? Anyone been through similar? Am I a complete and utter cow for feeling this way?

How old are your teens? Do they need childcare or do you have childcare available?
I think you should try a night away or a fun activity with your DH. Get to know him again away from the stressors of home life.

There could be a few different things going on. If you're perimenopausal, the change in hormones could be changing how you feel/how you view life. That may not be a bad thing and could lead you to make positive changes, but it may be worth seeing about HRT. It's not the cure-all but it can definitely help.

From what you say, it sounds like you and your DH have never been very compatible. It could be that you've now reached the end of your tolerance for that. That doesn't mean your DH is a bad person, but it may mean you want something different from life. It's worth trying to properly reconnect with your DH before jumping to conclusions on this one.

You also sound quite burnt out and tired, which is understandable given how your children have struggled. The transition to teenagerhood is hard, even without extra needs. You might need a good long stretch of time to focus on yourself and get some energy back.

The stress of your children and the stress of your husband, coupled with working and running the home will definitely affect you. You've already broken your mental health once, now you need to realise your physical health could get broken and never be mended. I'm talking about auto immune issues where you end up disabled and unable to work or drive or clean your house or even cook, so take this moment in your life extremely seriously. If DH is adding to your load and cannot change permanently it's time to jettison this deadweight that's dragging you down so you can stay healthy, mainly for yourself but also for your children who rely on you being healthy .

Put your own oxygen mask on first.