Don’t want to pay the price for childcare

[Settlednsorted]

I don’t really get on with my parents. They came crawling out of the woodwork when I announced my pregnancy after years of not really bothering with me. They both seem to think they’re the cleverest people in the room and that a few nice messages will make you forget years of shit.

My mum’s primary identity is as a grandmother to my nieces and nephews, so she was obviously delighted to have another one.

My SIL and BIL would very much be the sort you’d see on here complaining about their MIL overstepping. For example, my mum was supposed to be regularly picking my niece up from nursery and bringing her home for tea and bedtime. It then transpired that she’d also been picking her up in the mornings, using her authorisation as a designated person, and taking her out for the day without telling anyone. When my brother challenged her on this she said they couldn’t pick and choose what she did with her grandchild- completely ignoring the panic that the parents didn’t know where their child had been.

I’ve never wanted my mum’s help because I know if I take it, it comes with conditions. Listening to her advice, giving in on things like “I can’t wait to give baby their first chocolate”, her thinking she can just take the child out of nursery if she fancies it and knowing that if you don’t give in, it might happen anyway when your back is turned. Then, if you challenge it, you get “it won’t do any harm” and “if you don’t trust me, don’t take all this help”.

So I let my mum visit as much as she wants, but I won’t let her be alone with the baby.

My mum is now getting increasingly frustrated. Partly because she sees it as me not trusting her (I don’t), partly because it stops her being able to do what she wants with the baby, and partly because it means she has to spend time with me, which she really doesn’t want to do.

I’m starting to get annoyed by the increasingly desperate offers of “help”. Do I explicitly say that she is never going to be looking after my baby, so she can give it a rest? This will cause a row, but I think it’s a row she’s looking for.

Or do I just keep biting my tongue?
I don’t want to create unnecessary drama, but I’m getting fed up with the pressure. I don’t want to pay the price for childcare I don’t actually want or need.

You don’t have to resume contact just because they want to

I think you need to tell her, otherwise she will keep asking / expecting. If she wants to see the baby, she has to see you, that's her choice to make. And I'm appalled she able to just take the niece out of nursery, obv ridiculous on your mum's part but that is wildly irresponsible of the nursery to let that happen.

I'm confused what do you mean SIL & BIL surely one is your sibling?

And what has childcare got to do with anything?

The nursery had her appointed as one of the designated pick ups, so they thought it was ok. My mum was only supposed to be doing it at 4:00 twice a week, but it turned out she was just turning up whenever she felt like it.

No l, I have a brother and a sister, and she does favours for both of them. I know she drives my SIL up the wall, but my brother in the main thinks it’s worth it for the help. My BIL switches off to it, until it gets to the point my sis is upset and then it bothers him too

I can’t quite believe that nursery just let her, that’s wild!

I think you either embrace the offer of help and suck it up OR pay for childcare here - depends what you want more

• to pay
• to have your mum do it

I would not be trusting her with my children. My mum wouldn’t but it wouldn’t bother me if she did pick my child up early from nursery to do something fun. I know she’d tell me she was doing it and that my child is completely safe with her. Your mum sounds horrendous! You don’t need to maintain contact with her.

I would be spelling it out to her.
I would have the row.
I would be limiting drastically the amount of time she spent with me and my child.

Why are you entertaining her at all?

She will soon get bored when she realises she's not getting her own way. People like this only ever want things on their terms.

It was "pay the price" - the OP doesn't want the "free childcare" from her parents understanding the strings attatched.

Given that she doesn't need it, this thread seems to be about supporting her choice to not use her parent's childcare or finding some model which could work for her family

Tell her she's never going to look after your children and tell her why. Have the row she's been angling for and get it over with. Then maybe she'll stop bothering with you again and you can have peace!