How much to tell in a budding relationship about health issues?

[Greennumber]

Just that really. Met someone by chance (not looking) at the end of August. Spoken regularly and met up many times. It’s going well and he seems keen, respectful etc. We’ve not DTD yet but don’t think this is relevant to this issue…

Basically in summer I had several tests at hospital. I then had to have further tests and I am waiting for the outcome, it’s been a bit shit as I am not sure what’s going on at all really… for the last couple of weeks I’ve found it hard to focus on other things and at the weekend he asked if I had gone off him. I haven’t but also feel weird telling him what I’m going through. I’m out of practice with relationships and not sure how to handle this? I was hoping I would know more a lot sooner but it’s not happened that way. Also I think part of me is worried that I won’t like his reaction if tell him as he could feel scared maybe? I don’t know. For context this could be a really insignificant thing where diet needs to be tweaked or could be something much worse.

Well, maybe just tell him something but keep it vague. He doesn't need to know too much just that you have a health concern and it's being investigated and you don't want to talk about it any further at the moment. If he's a decent sort he'll understand and be patient. If he gets pushy you need to be firm about your privacy (and uncertainty!) or call it quits. Hope you're OK.

just tell him you're a bit pre-occupied and waiting for some medical test results. Up to you if you wish to elaborate or not, or just tell him you'd rather keep it private until you get the results back.

Yes this.

I wouldn’t say anything about health until you know something.

Well how “much worse” could it be if it’s not just a case of tweaking your diet?

I understand OP as I have a chronic health condition which was really stable when I met my now DH and it’s a condition that has a lot of stigma attached to it and so I was dreading telling him. Obviously my case was different as I had a diagnosis and was in treatment etc so there was no unknowns, but I still had all the fears around how he would react.

I told him a few months into our relationship and nothing much needed to be said as my illness didn't really impact my life at that time, but I know things would have had to play out differently if my condition wasn’t stable.

It’s a difficult situation to be in.

Are you hoping this will become serious/long term? If yes, then I'd be totally straight with him about what's going on, as that will be a good indication as to whether he's worth continuing with or not. If you're not bothered about the long term situation, then be vague.

@Whyarepeople its definitely something significant and I know he absolutely feels the same. I’m finding it hard to keep it from him as it gets closer to November which is when I will
know much more. It’s playing on my mind so much.

I can imagine. If he's a good guy he would probably value the opportunity to support you. Give him the chance.

Not long after DH and I started going out I became ill and he totally stepped up. Seeing how good he was convinced me he was the one - he really showed how capable and caring he was and it made me love him more. I don't see the point in hiding important details as it won't help in the long run - he may be pretty annoyed that you didn't tell him.

@Whyarepeople thanks for replying. I have some fear that it might scare him away and then worry how I would cope with that while also going through this at the same time. Things are never simple are they!

Then tell him. It would be so sad to scupper the chance of a good relationship because he wrongly believes you aren't interested. Say matter of factly that you suspect you have a food allergy but it might be more serious, but there's no point in speculating before you know more . If he gets scared of committing to someone who might be seriously ill, you can offer to have a break until you get the results.

No, it's not simple at all. But one way to look at it is that you're already essentially coping with this on your own, while at the same time having the stress of hiding it from him, which is affecting the relationship. If you tell him, you can at least give him the chance to be supportive and if he's not, then there's your answer. It's not great, but probably better to know sooner than later.

I should add that I was in a similar situation healthwise recently - a concerning thing showed up on a scan that could have been fatal and I had to wait weeks to find out what it was. The stress was unreal - my neck actually hurt I was so tense all the time. It is truly horrible waiting for results. Thankfully, I'm fine, but I feel quite battered from the whole thing. I hope you get a good result too.

If it scares him away then he wasn’t the right one. I had this dilemma when I was 19 and had to tell DH who was then only 21 that I had crohns. He didn’t bat an eyelid and has been rock solid by my side ever since. Best of luck and I hope your health is ok.

What’s the issue @Greennumber ?
There’s a difference between a terminal diagnosis and a serious condition that can be managed through medication for example.

I have some experience of this, with the latter.
I told the guy I was seeing. (It probably helped he himself had a very different but similar type of condition in terms of management).
So I don’t think he was especially freaked out by it. Plus he’s a good guy. (Was then, and still is!)
If you think it has legs then I think a light- touch chat, such as mentioned by PPs above, is worth it. Especially if you’re starting to worry about the results.

Good luck - I hope it works out for you. Both re the bloke, and the results.

Well, it might. Some people would choose to walk away from a very new relationship with someone who develops a serious illness. I wouldn’t particularly blame them, either. It’s a lot for people who barely know one another. I couldn’t find it in myself to criticise someone who found it too much.

But surely fairer on you both in this case to be briefly honest — that you’re waiting for the results of some tests, are preoccupied, don’t want to talk about it further now, but didn’t want him to misunderstand your mind being elsewhere?

ETA And very best wishes for the results being the best possible scenario.

I think the thing that's more likely to drive him away is you behaving off/weirdly (from his perspective) and not telling him why. He will naturally assume it's because you've gone off him.

I think there's not much point in a relationship - even a new, casual one - if you can't be honest with each other and lean on each other (even just a bit). If something like this was weighing on my mind I'd absolutely mention it - even if just to explain my own behaviour.

You don’t know what’s wrong with you yet - so I wouldn’t be saying anything to him as you’ll sound like a drama queen .

keep tight lipped until you know what you’re talking about and how it could impact you .