End of an era

[LilacOrLily]

I’m putting this in AIBU for traffic. I’ve just name changed but I’ve been here for years.
I feel almost heartbroken about something that I’m sure others would find trivial. It’s ridiculous really. So first some background.
I’m a bereaved mum and losing my 8 yr old son left me with rocky mental health. He died after a lifetime of fighting a disease and heart condition that ultimately took his life. From birth until he passed away, his life was full of hospitals, heart surgeries, chemotherapy, and other procedures. Having your child suffer and fight like this was devastating but he was a brave and optimistic boy with a great sense of humor and incredible attitude. Life is horribly unfair.
I take antidepressants which mostly help me function. The grief doesn’t change, even though it’s been 10 years. I carry it always, but at least on AD I can fake positivity and take care of my teen daughter. I also have anxiety, my stomach is in knots frequently, nothing really helps that.
About 6 years ago, my daughter joined a sports team and we made friends with another family. The girls were best friends for about 5 years and we were close to the parents. We went on holiday together, spent Xmas, birthdays everything together. Life was generally better, I was close with the other mum, and we had company and made plans together with our families, and since losing our son, keeping busy is helpful. About 4 months ago, there was a fallout between the girls, which ended up with me and the other mum having words. The adults have managed to sort out their differences for the most part but the girls haven’t. My daughter in particular is done with them and I support her and wouldn’t force a friendship she doesn’t want.
The other family come from a big family but it’s just us on our side. The death of our son left us without supportive family, they just wanted us to get back to normal but it doesn’t work like that. So the other family still have close family to share events with, but we’re alone again.
It’s left me feeling heartbroken. I’m sad almost all the time and my anxiety has my stomach churning and I’m shaky too. Logically I know this is so trivial in the scheme of things, I’ve dealt with much worst. How can I feel better? I just want to get on an even keel. Does anyone have any experience, suggestions or insight? If you got this far, thank you.

I’m so, so sorry. Grief takes as long as it takes, you will never get over the loss of your son and you may never move on, whatever that means, but you may well find it becomes part of the fabric of who you are. Any other loss, like the one you describe with the recent family will bring the loss of your son back to the forefront again. Give yourself time. You have come a long way, but there are no easy answers here, grief after a bereavement is such a difficult emotion,and losing a child is the most difficult of all. Take care.

I’m sorry to hear of your loss. You’ve been doing amazingly putting one foot in front of the other for your DD’s sake. Everyday must be hard.

Whilst the young girls have fallen out, which happens, could you still be friends on a separate level with the mum? Do meet ups just the two of you, hang out for coffee etc.. After all you two haven’t fallen out and she probably misses you just as much as you miss her. No doubt the girls will make up in the future at some point when they’ve matured.

It’s not silly or trivial. You have undergone tremendous losses: not just the loss of your son - and I am so sorry for that loss - but also the loss of how you imagined your life and your motherhood would be.

Now you have lost relationships which were incredibly important to you and which brought you joy. When someone loses touch with joy, as you have, the rare moments you can feel it again carry more weight than they might if you hadn’t already gone through the bereavement of your son, which has clearly changed you irrevocably.

Please be gentle with yourself, don’t feel guilt as you have been through so much. As pp said, could you still see your friend without your daughters?

Thank you so much for responding. I read all your responses and really appreciate how kind and thoughtful they were. Today I took a bit of time to reflect and I’m feeling better. I’ll try and see if my friend would like to get together just us. And thanks for the condolences re. my little boy. I wouldn’t wish this heartbreak on anyone.

It isn’t trivial, no loss is trivial, no rocking of your world is trivial whether a big or little rock.

I am so so sorry to hear about your darling boy. The loss of a friendship support can only be amplified through such grief.

Meet your friend for coffee. Meet other parents from the group individually as adults. I hope they will be open to a new era.

Hi OP 👋
I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I will mirror what other PP have said and I would ask the other mum out for coffee (just you two). She probably does miss you in return, especially if you all previously spent so much time together for special occasions (birthdays /holidays etc). 💐
I would reach out to her.

Also is there anything extra that you would want to do yourself to bring yourself a little comfort/joy?
Such as join a group, whether it be:
Volunteering
Knit and natter
Reading group
Walking group
Local choir.
Local church.

Sending hugs OP, I hope you're okay xx🫂
@LilacOrLily