Dad apologising for my kids..

[Familyvalues80]

I had a brief argument with my dad tonight and I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive here, but I just hate it when my parents (mainly my father and father in law) apologise to people in restaurants when we arrive with our children and sit near them.

My dad and my father in law both go over to tables nearby and say ‘so sorry about the kids’ and roll their eyes and laugh …..

To be fair, it’s not when they are just with my kids, it’s more when there are a crowd of cousins all together, but I still can’t help thinking… what are you apologising for!? Their existence?? Because at this point they have done nothing wrong. We’ve never had a problem with any of the kids behaving badly so it just feels disrespectful to me. I look at my kids and think how sad it is that someone is apologising for you being here with us …

My mum stood up for my dad and said that it’s a polite thing to do and if they then behave nicely, great, no harm done.

AIBU??

yanbu
It is not polite. It is a passive aggressive way to bully children through public humiliation. I would not allow it. If they would not stop, I would either stop eating out with them or after they went and apologised with eye rolls for ‘ the children’ i would follow behind and immediately apologise for your OAP parents intruding on their meal in as patronising a way as possible with a “come now dad, our table is over here”….and silently mouth “dementia” with a shrug to the other table as you escort dad away. If they feel affronted shrug and say its not polite to intrude and they’re so behind the times its embarrassing.

I don't have kids so I can't say how a parent should feel about their kids being apologised for (though I do think I wouldn't like it) but as a diner without kids I don't need kids to be apologised for. While I wouldn't be upset your dad apologised to me or anything I would think it was unnecessary and it would disturb my meal more than children ever have.

It might be the opposite of @SpiritAdder suggestion. They might be preempting any complaint. I know if a grandpa came to me and apologised in advance for their grandchildren the kids would then have to be absolutely appallingl before I complained. It might be a tad embarrassing but wily GF is being tactical.

This would really get my back up. It’s preempting terrible behaviour from good children and the whole eye rolling thing would really send me off. You should say loudly, my children are well behaved and no apology is needed. Honestly I would embarrass them for this, it’s awful.
edited to say I don’t think grandpa is being tactful, I think he likes to get in with people and look good to others, willing to make his grandchildren look bad to do so. It’s all for attention in my opinion.

This would annoy me if I were eating there. My attitude would be ‘why don’t you make sure they don’t do anything to apologise for!’

It seems odd to me, and I've never had it happen in a restaurant. The only similar thing I can think of is that when travelling by plane I've very occasionally had a parent (come to think of it, always a dad) apologise to me right away when I was seated in a row with a small baby. But that seems a little different as almost any baby will cry when the plane changes altitude. I could MAYBE see doing it with a large group of children, like a school class of 30+ 5-year-olds, because they can get loud in a group without actually misbehaving, but otherwise no.

Apologising when the children very likely WILL be well behaved and the other diners undisturbed is unnecessary at best, and I'd probably assume that there WOULD be a problem at some point, which would potentially (although only slightly) interfere with my ability to enjoy my dinner. So I disagree that it's polite and considerate. If the children are aware of what's being said about them, I might worry that they're getting the idea that children misbehaving in a restaurant is normal and expected and/or that their being there is wrong no matter how they behave so it doesn't matter.

It might well be generational. Not all parents take their children out to eat and unless the other diners were personal friends of your father, or father-in-law, they wouldn't have known about your children. Also, some children behave beautifully in restaurants, but others don't. I think he was being tactical too, perhaps acknowledging that the other customer might not have expected children, or even found them irritating.

I think it was a social ploy to allow the other man to feel generous and be pleasantly surprised at your children's excellent behaviour. I think he was acknowledging the other man's potential discomfort and it isn't a position you can easily see as a proud parent of a small child, but it sounds like he was trying to protect all of you.

ETA Many more children eat out these days than previously and many are a source of disturbance to the other diners, lots of threads on here reference it. They may have been acknowledging that, as a sort of shared generational code. I think it's about noticing that children can sometimes behave in a way that some would find a nuisance, not that YOUR children are a nuisance.

For me it depends on their behavior.

I have done this on flights before - when my son was very young, and I was pretty sure he wasn't going to make it fun for anyone sat near us...

In a context like that where you know you are going to disrupt people, apologizing first is polite in my eyes.

But, if they are well behaved? Then it is strange and quite rude. Although it could be that you are your father have different ideas of what well behaved children are.

This would surely only worry fellow diners because they will then assume your children are about to be awful!

If anyone was apologising for my well behaved children joining a public space, I wouldn't be eating out with them again. What an awful message this sends your children.

That is rude to your children and probably alarming rather than helpful for the other diners. And annoying for them, because if the kids are that badly behaved that advance apologies are needed, they shouldn't be there at all.

Does it bother your kids? If not, then I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

I’d follow on afterwards, and say

so sorry about my father, he is getting old & doesn’t know what he is talking about any more - you know what I mean

do it every single time he does it and make sure he hears

My guess is that he is from a time where kids didn’t go to restaurants so he’s acknowledging that in the apology. This is something he’d probably expect others to do if he was without any kids and a group with kids sat next to him.
He’s pre-empting any complaint.

I’m not saying it’s right if your kids are as well behaved as you say but they think that they are being polite. I’ve only seen dog owners do this in public spaces like cafes (I’m not a dog owner) and not had a problem

Just go over to the same table after your dad has sat back down and apologise to them for your dad disturbing their meal. That might show him!

Nope, that's really rude to both your children and to other diners. (I'm assuming your children are just sitting at the table, not being noisy/ running around etc).

I would be having words with him about it and if it carried on happening I'd just stop going out with him, especially if the kids are old enough to be aware and notice that he's doing this. What's it going to do to their self esteem to think their very existence has to be apologised for? Ridiculous.

You're not being overly sensitive. He needs to stop this nonsense.

The people at the other table just want to get on with their meal, don't keep dragging them into it.