Birthday after dad's death earlier this year.

[PinkJ]

Dad died earlier this year, too soon, aggressive cancer, my rock.

Been married to my step- mum for may years, step mum been a grandmother to by children, good relationship.

Dad has always called me and sent a thoughtfully written card with a bit of cash. This year basic card from my stepmum, passing mention of dad. No call, no present (it's not the monetary aspect I'm bothered by), I miss my dad beyond words and feel she's done him a disservice, she's the closest thing I have to him now.

AIBU for explaining slightly more from her on one of the most miserable days of my life?

Just to add she has 100's of thousands, all left to her, nil for me and my siblings so far.

I think you are just pissed off that your dad has died and looking for some one to blame… I don’t think you are wrong and I completely get it my dad died last year and I had my first birthday without him and I was pissed off too. Sending you loads of love xx

Sorry for your loss but I do think you are being slightly unreasonable. She did mark the occasion by sending a card and as your dad presumably dealt with it before maybe she didn't even realise he sent money. She's also dealing with her own grief so I'd give her a break.

Maybe she didn't realise your dad used to put cash in your card. She may have thought that he didn't do adult children presents because she never saw an actual gift beibg bought and handed over.

I suspect the occasion was one where it made you miss your dad more than ever.

What were you expecting from her OP? Cash?

How much effort have you made with her since your Dad passed away? Is she matching your energy?

At the end of the day she is not your Dad and she can't mirror what he used to do, and I don't think she should try to. What your Dad did was unique to him, she can't take his place so why would she? She has sent you a card and mentioned your Dad, I think you are expecting too much from her. She has lost her husband remember. The loss isn't just yours.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad a few weeks ago and it’s brutal.

Respectfully though “she's the closest thing I have to him now” … she is not a substitute for your dad. If you had a good relationship with her then hopefully that will continue, but she is not carrying on your dad’s legacy, she is her own person.

I wonder if, from your last sentence (“Just to add she has 100's of thousands, all left to her, nil for me and my siblings so far”) you are feeling rather resentful of her?

Give her a break. She's lost her husband too. You say it's not about money but still decided to say how much money was left to her instead of you and your siblings.

How have you supported her since he passed away? Have you been in touch much?

Mate in a way I can see both sides. As people said she might not have known, she isn't your dad etc

But then I understand that you've got a massive hole in your life and it's never going to be filled and you wanted things to carry on as normal.

In my case, mum died when I was 17 and none of her sisters (she had 10 siblings) or brothers made any effort. I turned 18 five months later and don't recall any of them giving me a card. Dad died 8 years later ...he had 9 brothers and sisters and only one of his brothers made any effort to stay in touch. I visit my mums favourite sister in a care home now 40 years on because mum would have wanted me to. I have no other real contract with them. I learnt that you have to accept that it doesn't feel the same for others as it does you and they don't even think about you in the same way as a parent does.

You are being quite unfair to her. She’s not the closest thing to him, you and your siblings are, hopefully they’ve helped you remember him. But also those first cards writing them yourself with a name missing are surprising hard sometimes, difficult to no wether to include both names anyway or not. She’s grieving too, don’t take it out on eachother. And don’t make it about money

Agree with others. You seem to be thinking of your stepmum as a sort of representation/extension of your dad, and expecting her to take over his 'role' in relation to birthdays. Whereas she is perhaps thinking of two separate relationships, his and yours being one, yours and hers being a different one. She doesn't think of herself as 'the closest thing you have to your dad,' she thinks of herself as an individual person with her own distinct relationship with you.

I would have thought that a card is probably a normal sort of level for a stepmother/adult stepchild relationship. It's more akin to an aunt/uncle/cousin/family friend than a parent.

subconsciously are you directing any anger at your dad, towards her, do you think? Whether it's anything specific or just a general anger at him for dying, which you might 'know' is completely unreasonable but very common to still 'feel' it!

It seems odd to on one hand describe your very close relationship with your dad while at the same time seeming to be (reasonably) annoyed that he didn't leave any of his kids a penny.

Her partner of may years died of cancer, and you expect to pampered. You both are grieving, and you need to give her a break.
I think it seems the finances are what triggers it (has there been a will that states all goes to her and this is what upsets)- clearly the monetary aspect is important and you need to address it in some way.

I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad but she has also lost her husband. It’s not the grief olympics where your grief trumps hers. I’m genuinely curious what effort have you been making for her? (And I say this after losing my Dad to cancer and everything went to my Stepmom because no will) You both are in survival mode and will cope in different ways.

Your stepmom isn’t the closest thing to your Dad. Your siblings are but the focus on gifts and money genuinely does seem that you are angry that you didn’t get money.

I really do hope you get grief counselling before you spiral any further. It’s okay to be angry but it’s not okay to expect her to be a replacement.

Since dad died we've spent a week in Cornwall with her and been to help her with sorting dad's belongings on a couple of occasions. It's a 3 hour drive for us.

Valid points thank you, I feel better today. The money thing maybe I am a little bitter, am I being unreasonable, probably yes but a single parent working hard to make ends meet it does bite.

I miss my dad's massive smile and laugh, hopefully it won't be so hard next year.

Don’t feel too bad about being disappointed about the money.

Firstly there is the actual practical aspect of it. No doubt receiving an inheritance would have helped you day to day.

But I came to realise that it was what it represented also. With my dad I always knew he was there as a safety net when I needed him. In practice that was him being an emotional or practical safety net, but he was a generous person and I always knew if there were financial problems I would have been able to go to him for that too. It’s hard realising all of that is gone.